Absolutely heartbroken

[UKbpdstruggle]

Hi all, I'm glad to have found this corner of the internet. I'm starting to realise I'm not completely alone in dealing with a partner who has BPD and who (knowingly or not) has absolutely crushed me.

I'm male, 37 and married to my wife of 10 years (28). We have two children and our relationship has always been volatile but we put it down to her upbringing. I have always been a calming influence and done everything I can to make her life better or easier. We had a diagnosis of BPD from a Psychiatrist about a month ago after a series of suicide attempts over Christmas and a short stay in a Psychiatric Unit. It was one of the most awful times of my life but I thought we were getting through it.

Now, she is spending all her time in online chatrooms and on Kik, maybe ten hours a day. She's made 'friends' who understand her and are giving her advice and she's changing rapidly and not in a good way. I think I've reached the end of my abilities to stay. I've looked at my life and realised that over the course of the last ten years I have:

Lost three well paid jobs because I had to take so much time away from work when she had panic episodes about me being away
Stopped doing any of my hobbies because she couldn;t bear me beaing out of the house.
I have no friends of my own.
I'm depressed.
I now work a minimum wage job and have no savings.
I have no self esteem.
I'm an absolute shadow of my former self.

Just yesterday she told me I'm the reason she wanted to die, and I'm the reason she is so upset all the time. She's done with all my nonesense and has no expectations of me from now on. When she can afford it she's moving out with the kids unless I change the long list of things she sent me. But, I shouldn't do it for her approval, I should do it because even if we break up no-one else would be able to put up with me. She's told me I'm emotionally abusive and an awful person.

She's now making friends with men on kik (she already cheated on me once before Christmas and claimed it was 'to push me away once and for all') and I expect she's planning it again. I can barely stand to sit in the same room as her right now, she's on her phone all the time and doesn't even interact with our kids.

Now. I get it. I really do. It's a clinical problem and her fear of abandonment manifests in awful ways. It's hard for her. But the above seems a lot like emotional abuse to me. I can't raise any of my concerns because if I do I'm being controlling, needy and smothering. She tells the community nurse exactly what she wants to hear and seems to be towing the line.

I'm at a complete loss here. I know there are so many things I'm leaving out or forgotten but I'm just so damn sad. I feel like it's all my fault even though objectively I know it isn't.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[loyalwife]

Hi Absolutely heartbroken,
     I'm so sorry that you feel as though you are the cause of your wife's grief. You are not, it's her. It's easy for us to start to believe responsible for someone that we profess to love, when they verbally and emotionally abuse us.  How can someone say such things if it weren't true? Because they believe to be true on an emotional level.  It is frustrating.
    You mentioned that she attempted suicide at Christmas. Was this after the affair? Curious as to why she would be flaunting men in front of you. It seems so cruel and 'dangerous' not to mention degrading to you and your kids. It sounds as though she is in an episode and not emotionally regulated. Did they help her with medication? Can you intervene with the medical staff to let them know what is going on?  This just seems so abusive.
    How old are your kids? I hope they are doing okay under the circumstances. Sometimes the fact that kids are little helps as they may not necessarily have the cognitive skills to see how out of whack their mom has gotten.
    It's no wonder you are feeling as you are. I know how it feels to be told that you are the reason they want to die. My husband reminds me constantly that life was much better before he met me and that he'd be happier if I weren't here. He mentions suicide too, and how he would do it. I've called the suicide hotline many times, and when he comes back to baseline, remembers nothing about it.  Yet somehow it's all my fault, but it isn't.
     Your two kids look to you for stability. It isn't easy, nor will it be, but just remember that they rely on you. Make a nucleus family of the three of you. Go places together, make memories, without her. Those kids will help you through this. I have two adult kids that I did this with for 20 years. They always knew that no matter how off course their dad was, I was there. 
     Just remember this, you didn't cause her BPD and you can't cure it.
      Peace to you.

[Q-DawgVFR]

I really feel for your situation. 

Similar in many ways to my own: 16+ years married, 3 kids, more recent BPD diagnosis in past couple of years (after a couple suicidal spells), things seemed to be going on track, then wham! she starts to seriously view me and our relationship as a problem in her life and question whether we should be together... .  lots of time flirting, on kik and online, she cheated just before Christmas, said she wanted to work on us, then decided she wanted trial separation for the month.

In being in a R/S with someone like this for a longer period, I can identify with losing so many little parts of yourself gradually.  It is so slow you may not even realize it is happening, then one day you suddenly become aware of the big picture and what you have sacrificed and given up to try to preserve the relationship.

I discovered BPD in my wife after reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells" which was a chance thing as a friend with low functioning BPD daughter.  My friend did not know what my wife's issues were but thought it was a good book to help with relationship skills in troubled relationship.  Little did she know how helpful it would be!  I sought out this website after the bad splitting/devaluation with my wife started back in the summer and there is so much helpful information on here and online in general.  I also read "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" recently and it was so helpful.

My relationship is in trouble, but I alone can't save it.  I am waiting to see if my wife wants to or not.  I have radically accepted that she is the way she is and that we may be able to keep working together, or we may have to split and go our own ways.  At this point I don't know.

Your situation sounds very difficult also.  And only you know what your limits are, but you sound similar mindset to me in knowing there's only so much you can do.  And that you might have to make difficult choices ahead.

What would you like to happen for yourself?  What future do you want for you?  Can you picture it?  What does it look like?

As far as her taking off with the kids... .  This might not be the right place to say it, but I would highly urge you to think of your kids' well being and not be passive in terms of looking out for their interests.  They need stability, and it sounds like they aren't getting a lot of attention from your wife and they need a stable parent.  So I urge you to try to keep as much of them in your life as possible.  I don't know what to suggest (there are sections of this board for such advice) but I hope you can do something to prevent her cutting and running with them.  Maybe they can stay with YOU, and they visit her equal time (or less, if she's not up for the responsibility of parenting)

[theuproar]

Now, she is spending all her time in online chatrooms and on Kik, maybe ten hours a day. She's made 'friends' who understand her and are giving her advice and she's changing rapidly and not in a good way. I think I've reached the end of my abilities to stay. I've looked at my life and realised that over the course of the last ten years I have:

Lost three well paid jobs because I had to take so much time away from work when she had panic episodes about me being away
Stopped doing any of my hobbies because she couldn;t bear me beaing out of the house.
I have no friends of my own.
I'm depressed.
I now work a minimum wage job and have no savings.
I have no self esteem.
I'm an absolute shadow of my former self.

Just yesterday she told me I'm the reason she wanted to die, and I'm the reason she is so upset all the time.

I understand this experience completely.  I used to wrestle competitively overseas and trained 3-6 days a week.  Now I'm lucky to get in once a week because she demands so much of my time.  She's pushed my friends away.  I'm horribly depressed all the time (cried on the way to work today because she was so mean to me).  I used to have plenty of spending money and good credit, and now I'm completely broke all the time and have a 519 credit score.  I've been at risk of losing my job for two years now because I'm more focused on managing her behavior than dealing with my own life. 

She's also told me before that I'm the reason she wants to die, although that sort of behavior seems to have been left in the past, through a LOT of work and reassurance. 

I say this not because it's about me, but to let you know that you're not alone.  You have every reason to be heartbroken and damaged.  The only thing I can say is that if you choose to be in this relationship, study up on BPD more.  Get yourself a strong network of friends.  Go to therapy yourself.  Practice any kind of self-care that you can, even if it's just for a few minutes at a time every day.  It will build from there.  The more rooted and centered you are, the better your pwBPD will typically respond. [/list]

[radoe]

You are not alone my friend.

I too have been named the number one reason they want to die.

The number one reason they are miserable.

The number on reason for all the ill in their life.  Mostly because I was the last adult in their life.

Hang in there it will definitely change

[Red5]

… study up on BPD,

Absolutely crucial !

Red5