Want to get out of marriage; spouse refuses

[Colden]

Hi, I'm glad to have found this site. My husband has BPD; we've been married almost 15 years and it wasn't until my therapist suggested reading Walking on Eggshells this past fall that it all fell into place that the person I'm living with has a personality disorder. Our marriage has mostly been full of sadness and anger than happiness. We have together tried marriage counseling, he has tried individual counseling, but it's always ended suddenly because he feels he's not the problem, that every issue we have is because of me and he's done so much for me while I've done nothing for him. I know I have not handled his rages, nastiness, cruel behavior well; I used to take it until I couldn't anymore and then lash out at him, which is exactly what he wants, so he can point the finger at me, in front of our children, and say, "See, I'm not the crazy one, she is," and record me in the act. And share with the kids how angry I got, that I threatened to stab him, or punched him. He has no filter and uses absolutely no discretion; it means nothing to him to call me the most unspeakable names in front of our kids and share with them our most intimate secrets, because there is no intimacy between him and me, and never has been. Everything is my fault. I wanted a third child very badly; even though, or perhaps because, our marriage was so tenuous, I felt like having another child would bring me the happiness he couldn't. I begged him to agree, and he did so only after I promised anal sex with him once a month. I am not attracted to him, and don't think I ever was, but somehow I thought I could do that or that he wouldn't hold me to it after falling in love with our newest addition. Was I wrong. I know it was a terrible promise to make, and I never should have, and I hate pretty much all kinds of sex with him--I had never had anal sex with anyone before I married him, and after months of begging me I finally gave in probably to shut him up. One of our recurring arguments is how I broke a promise, how he didn't want a third kid (which he's had no problem sharing with the children), and that I'm the most evil, spoiled liar on the planet. He can't acknowledge that the marriage was foundering before it got to that point; in the early hours of the day of delivery, the hospital had sent me home because they said I was no where near in labor. My husband threw such a fit that he screamed at me while I was lying on the couch having labor pains, accusing me of inconveniencing him and his schedule. He even threw a pillow at me and told me I didn't even know my own calendar. I ended up going back to the hospital not much later that morning, and because there was no time to spare--I could barely get out of the apartment in time--I went alone and delivered the baby alone. He was sound asleep at the end of the hall and didn't hear me screaming for him.  I know I am giving you just a snapshot of our marriage, and I am guilty of a lot of bad behavior too, but that is precisely why I want to split up. It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I don't love him to be able to empathize with him; he is so out of touch with his own reality that he will just turn the screws on me and blame me for why we are where we are. As wrong as it was to make a promise I couldn't keep, I hate having sex with him, and I've told him I'm not attracted to him, but in moments of weakness I will give in and at least service him. I think that starts the cycle over and over; I'll ask him to hold the insults, curb the yelling, be calm if I do that, he'll say okay, and then soon enough he'll start screaming at me, or the kids, or stomp around muttering how disorganized I am, or a terrible parent, and on and on. He is also obese; he's had a few stents put in, the first two when my oldest was three months old, and it did nothing to scare him straight. He was a heavy pot smoker then, and after a few years of stopping he's back to it about three times a day, inside the house, even though I've asked him to consider doing it outside as the kids are getting older and the oldest one at least knows what he's doing. But he won't. He feels he's entitled to; he can do whatever he wants but anything anyone else does that he doesn't like is a sign of that person's disrespect for him. I've asked him to separate, but he won't. He says I'll have to serve him papers, and for a guy who's so financially conservative he's willing to spend all our money on legal fees just to be vindictive and put us through even more hell, and continue to try to poison the kids against me. I've written up terms that he's asked for, suggesting he live close by and the kids can see him whenever they want, that we still keep our finances together for the time being, that I very much want him to be present in his kids' lives. But he won't budge. I've suggested a mediator but he won't give that a second's thought either. So I guess I'm writing with a couple of questions: I'd like to know how others in my situation have dealt with it; my therapist thinks that if divorce is going to ruin us financially and that's the only way I can get him to leave, that if I can suck it up for a few more years till the kids get older the outcome might be better, although she doubts I'm going to last that long. I realize that his refusal to leave stems mostly from his fear of abandonment, but as I said before I can't empathize. He's just too infantile and selfish; he is slowly killing himself with his overeating and lack of exercising, and he recently got a stent replaced this summer. So at this point I barely speak to him. Even while he's screaming at me, in front of the kids, with the door open for our neighbors to hear. The second question is how to deal with his ceaseless begging, demanding for sex. I told him I'd try to service him when I could, but that I wasn't interested in doing anything else, and he threw such a tantrum in front of the kids, calling me the usual vitriol, and then even slapped my ankle, like a little child having a fit. It doesn't matter that I want a divorce, that I can't stand him--he needs his sex and to fulfill his perverse fantasies, which I've learned can also be a symptom of BPD. I have told him he is free to get his needs taken care of outside the marriage, that he deserves that kind of gratification, and that if I  can't do that for him someone else should. But he just gets angry and starts raging and accusing me of ruining everything. I don't want to give in, it just makes me angry and then eventually blow up myself, but I also don't know if I can keep enduring his awful behavior while maintaining my boundaries. And knowing the kids are hearing everything, getting upset and stressed out, and that there's not much I can do to make them feel better. I would gladly move out with them, but legally it would be considered abandonment and he'll use every dirty tactic he can to take me to the cleaners and hold me responsible for the dissolution of our family and try to convince them that I am a horrible person. Thanks for reading this very lengthy post and I look forward to your thoughts and insights.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[radoe]

Some times life just sucks.

I can feel you pain.

Arguing is terrible

Do you have friends you can talk to?
Do you have a spiritual connection you can rely on?

Women have a lot of rights when it comes to custody of children, research on your own. trust yourself

Hang on, it will change.

[0verwhelmed]

Hi Colden,

I’m sorry to hear all the things you are going through, but glad you found your way here to see you are not alone. If you look at my posts you will get a little more detail of what I have been going through, and some of it may sound familiar. Have you thought about possibly getting a free consultation with a lawyer? Many of them will talk with you for 15-20 minutes over the phone and offer possible options. You should not have to feel trapped in your own home.

[Copycat2018]

Hello,
Many of the things you wrote here are very familiar to me minus the children.
I would like you to consider/ ask yourself a few things.

1. Has your therapist helped you properly ? On this web site it is emphasized that BPD requires a special therapist. Not all, with the best intent , will know enough to help you or him.

2.you write a lot about how this if affecting you and that you have reached a certain point.
Ask yourself how the effect might be on your children? They are not grown, just trying to grow up. What you describe sounds very heavy stuff for kids to handle.

I am staying for now, but i know how incredibly difficult it is for you and i am very sorry for your troubles.
What i would ask as the third question is: what else can i possibly do ( you, in your case) that can change anything all else remaining the same?

Sometimes all we can change is the way we look at the same phenomenon.

I wish the best for you. You are in a tough place. You need more support and a different outlook.

[Colden]

Thank you all for your kind replies. It is very comforting to know how much you all get it. I appreciate the advice; I have talked to a lawyer, and plan to talk to another one, but since uBPDh refuses to move out or mediate it's going to be very tough financially, and our kids are still young. Unless I need a restraining order, which I don't think I will. My therapist is very helpful and experienced in BPD, and it really has made a difference these last couple of weeks by refusing to engage him. When he starts in, I walk out of the room, or if he sends me 30 texts and calls incessantly at work I ignore him. It's too bad ultimately that the kids hear him all the time and that he's so selfish he can't curb it for their sake. He even said this morning, "Why should I be quiet when they wake me up all the time?" This during his starting in with me entirely unprovoked. I think my detaching is helping the kids realize that it's him and that they can separate themselves from it, especially if the yelling is completely one-sided. But it's no picnic. And, to top it off, his father committed suicide on Friday. He decided he didn't want to live anymore since his health was declining and he didn't want to have to rely on anyone for assistance. His father informed him he was planning to do this a few months ago, then changed his mind, then changed it again, and planned it on that day. It's understandable if you don't want to live anymore because your quality of life is deteriorating, but to announce it to your children who then have to spend the next three months in agony hoping it won't happen is unfathomable. It's made me see that the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree--BPDh grew up with a parent (both I think) incapable of empathy (BPD or NPD themselves I think). I'd like to have more compassion for him than I do, but this morning, when I went back into the bedroom to say goodbye and share some good news I received about one of our children which I thought would cheer him up before leaving for work he started yelling at me that I was no saint during this whole crisis and trashed his father only two weeks ago for what a lousy parent he was (which I regret doing but did so after he needled and endlessly provoked me and thew the worst insults at me) and that I show no support and am selfish and on and on. I calmly said I'd be happy to talk about any of this IN PRIVATE (because kids are in next room) but he won't stop. He keeps yelling and follows me to front door and yells down the stairwell at me, all with one son sitting in the living room near the door. Everything is damned if I do, damned if I don't. So it's pretty much impossible to show any support or be there in any way because now matter how I do it, it's all wrong. What's ironic about his behavior, though, is he is adamant that the kids never find out how their grandfather really died (he told them he died in his sleep). But he has no problem sharing with them things that I prefer are kept private, because it's okay to malign me and my family in front of them, but for them to hear something negative about his family, then he'll be completely discreet and keep the secret. So hypocritical.

[Copycat2018]

Hello,
I need to respond because i see so much similarity with my uBPDh.
At times i wonder if he is looking for the mythical "unconditional love? " Where he could do and say anything and hurt other people in any way he wants but he ill still be not called out for it and just keep doing it?

My uBPDh spent several hours today indirectly calling me stupid, criticizing all i was doing and then when ifinally said he was making me upset, and that next time we change roles, i will be the critique and he does the work, he called me a person of low self esteem, who is just doomed because she can not help herself.
I see how hard you are trying to be truthful in describing the situation with him so i perceive you as a person who asks herself what she could do differently, how she was wrong .
Is this kind of personality that attracts these people? Who seemingly do no wrong in their mind, who never take any responsibility for things going wrong? BPDs?
Does this behavior have anything to do with the male and female role?
( i heard that most BPDs are female.)
Or is this just a tyrannical personality?
( my uBPDh also seem to have ocd, and right wing political symphaties)
And why is a considerate, open minded person such as yourself, who takes responsibility for her own actions, wind up with this challenge?
I do not know.