Therapy not well, it seems my daughter lives to cause pain

[Momslove]

My BPD daughter is at skyland for treatment. It’s very hard during any therapy when we are together to hear her speak of events as close as 2 weeks ago. Her recount of the events are so skewed and false. Of course I am always the bad guy. I am her target lately.
I have been struggling and have decided to go to therapy to let go again of the hope for our relationship. I got my self going into old patterns of walking on eggshells for fear she would lash out, not go to treatment, etc.
in therapy, I stated that I needed to let go and accept that LM cu t me out of her life again as she has done quite cruelly at age 13... .at age 16, her dad kicked her out and she came crying saying she made a mistake to me. Now she stated she went to live with me as it was her last resort... .Just normal verbal abuse. .
Anyway, I said, I needed to let go for not fearful of her causing me pain again. The therapist stated that was valid and looked and L and she said that might very well happen.
 
I have been here for her the last 8 months, took her to hospitals, loved her through her yuck and that’s her response.
I believe she has a lot of narcissism with her BPD as she has no empathy much like my x husband.
She succeeded, she has hurt me, but I will heal, I just don’t think I can continue to be very close to her. Mentall illness or not. She is so abusive towards me. I am going to implement boundaries.
She is coming to get her car tomorrow. I told her I left her hospital bills in her car. We paid a lot as well as all her skyland and hope homes bills. Well over 15k easy and we have 4K more to go. I told her to call and get on a payment plan or just let them go to collections. She said give me some slack... .
Then blamed me for not getting her a secure card at 18, I told her over and over what to do. But again, it’s my fault.  
I am wondering if tough love works better... .my dd only abuses me more the nicer I am. I have to live this life to. I have and son who has suffered her turmoil as well.
I don’t expect someone with her personality disorder to be nice, but in treatment, you would

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

I have been struggling and have decided to go to therapy to let go again of the hope for our relationship.

[... .]

she has hurt me, but I will heal, I just don’t think I can continue to be very close to her. Mentall illness or not. She is so abusive towards me. I am going to implement boundaries.

I'm really glad to hear you are getting therapy to help you while you grieve the relationship you wish you had with your daughter, Momslove. You are right, you will heal, and your mental health should be priority one.

She is coming to get her car tomorrow. I told her I left her hospital bills in her car. We paid a lot as well as all her skyland and hope homes bills. Well over 15k easy and we have 4K more to go. I told her to call and get on a payment plan or just let them go to collections.

You've placed the financial responsibility where it belongs, with her. This is a very good boundary, no more financing treatment - it's time for her to help herself. How do you feel after having shared with her that she's now responsible for the bills?

I know that none of this is easy and we all have to feel good about the decisions we've made. We are here, standing by you as you continue on your journey. I'm glad you've put yourself first  

Keep posting, Momslove, we are here for you.

~ OH

[colormepolly]

Hello,
I am sort of new on here, I was here 11-12 years ago, my husband was Borderline, I am now waking up and realizing so is my 17 year old son.

I can identify with the verbal abuse and the blame. I have felt crazy the last few days and it finally hit me, I know this, I remember this feeling. I divorced my husband in 2009, my kids were younger but now that he is older it is so apparent. I did not think I would ever have to come back here.

How do you cope?

[Mirsa]

Hi Momslove,

I know how hard it is to be the target of all that venom, especially after months or years of providing love and support, both financial and emotional.  And yes, it really stinks when you hear them re-tell a story in a way that twists it and portrays you as unsympathetic and evil.  In my opinion, these false narratives never ever end.  Their reality is the only version of events, and it is always skewed to make themselves look good and to provide a person to whom they can direct their anger.  And everyone eventually disappoints the BPD.  There is no way to win.  They will often not appreciate your good efforts... .like a feral dog that bites the hand that feeds him. 

In fact, I've observed a clear pattern in my ex's and BPD DD's lives:  they always have to have an enemy to be angry at.  I suspect they are anger addicts, and that they simply need a target at which to direct their rage.     They create this by: 
--taking action that forces you to respond and set boundaries (hospital bills in the car)
--telling you how awful your response was (looks like you should have set up a card for her a few years ago... .who knew?)
--act completely outraged by your actions/inactions (... .how awful of you not to set up that card!  can you even imagine!)
--play the victim, bc clearly YOU are the problem
--deny all responsibility (all those medical bills you incurred, right?)
--carry on with this rage at being treated so poorly, and by now, she really believes it
--re-tell the narrative to anyone and everyone who will listen, interpret their stunned silence as validation, and after many re-tellings, come to firmly believe that it is actually true.
--be sure to let you know that "everyone" agrees that you are a horrible person who has treated her so unfairly.

Sound familiar? 
Don't get sucked into it... .   Be strong!  Take care of yourself.  You've more than done your part and she is just gaslighting. 
I have recently come to realize that the relationship I'd hoped for with this daughter is not going to be possible, ever.  My long-time therapist who has known me and my children for our whole lives agrees (he's a distant cousin).  You said you are going to therapy to let go of the hope that that she will change, and I have done just that.  I no longer have hope that she will change, and it hurts.  I'm sad and grieving.  Acceptance will come in time.  And compassion, I hope.  Maybe in a few years we can have a relationship of sorts.  That would be a nice surprise, and in the meantime, I'll be loving myself. 

[FaithHopeLove]

I really relate to this. I have had it with my BPD son. I feel like giving up on him. He is an a-hole.

[SkellyII]

My BPD daughter is at skyland for treatment. It’s very hard during any therapy when we are together to hear her speak of events as close as 2 weeks ago. Her recount of the events are so skewed and false. Of course I am always the bad guy. I am her target lately.
I have been struggling and have decided to go to therapy to let go again of the hope for our relationship. I got my self going into old patterns of walking on eggshells for fear she would lash out, not go to treatment, etc.

 I have been here for her the last 8 months, took her to hospitals, loved her through her yuck and that’s her response.

I don’t expect someone with her personality disorder to be nice, but in treatment, you would

As you've probably noticed, there are a lot of us on this board that share your pain. My 16 year old has been really bad the last 8 months about skewing events, about me, her meds lady, her teachers, and basically anyone who either sets boundaries or just plain pisses her off.

 You mention that you're surprised that she still does this while she's in treatment, but that provides her with an audience. My daughter would be especially bad when we were in therapy sessions together. Unfortunately, at the time we had an inexperienced therapist who let things get out of control. I posted my frustrations here earlier, along with the decision to fire the therapist.

We have a new, more experienced therapist now who has a clearer picture of what's going on, and is much better at helping her work through this.

Still, I have to realize that when my daughter turns 18 and my legal custody in this state expires, she probably will move back in with her uBPD substance-abusing mother who doesn't encourage her to take her meds and go to therapy. I had to come to the realization that I might be limited to getting her through High School, and maybe, just maybe, getting her to realize that she needs to take care of herself.

At the moment, I have serious doubts that we will have any kind of relationship beyond her 18th birthday.

[Miserable Mom]

Skellyll it seems your situation is very similar to mine with 16 yo daughter BPD insanity and I just fired a therapist doing more harm than good. My question to you is concerning the dreaded turning of 18. I briefly looked into the legal process of guardianship, at least for medical decisions. She is counting the days to leave, I am counting the limited days I legally have to intervene. So many parents with adult BPD children express they wish they could go back and make different deductions while they had legal control.

[stampingt1]

Moms Love,

I too am glad that you're getting counseling & gave your DD the bills that are her's.

Shelleyll,

Getting your child through high school is a major accomplishment! We are trying to do just that, but not sure it will happen.

If you haven't tried therapy for yourself, I would suggest trying that!

Colormepolly:

Welcome!

I would suggest therapy for yourself & getting your DS17 into therapy & Dr's that deal w/ BPD.

So sorry that you are having to relive this. I understand because my DS18 is acting like my dad did when I lived at home. It's definitely no! 

 

[Suzin]

I have read that NPD is "rage looking for a reason"

[SkellyII]

Skellyll it seems your situation is very similar to mine with 16 yo daughter BPD insanity and I just fired a therapist doing more harm than good. My question to you is concerning the dreaded turning of 18. I briefly looked into the legal process of guardianship, at least for medical decisions. She is counting the days to leave, I am counting the limited days I legally have to intervene. So many parents with adult BPD children express they wish they could go back and make different deductions while they had legal control.

My understanding is that you can get a limited guardianship that covers health care and housing, which should be enough to help her. I haven't pursued the guardianship yet, but I was able to get her designated as having Severe Emotional Disturbance with the state, which I'm told will make the guardianship process go smoother, along with making her eligible for Medicaid, and also gives her a foothold for Social Security Disability, if that becomes necessary.

The guardianship process, at least in my state is complicated and cumbersome. I was the guardian for my mother when she came down with Alzheimer's, and am currently the guardian for my older sister, who suffers from senile dementia. My advice...get an attorney with experience in guardianships, it makes the process go way smoother.

Stampingt1

I started attending a BPD family support group a couple of weeks ago, so far so good.