Why can’t I forget and move on?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My story is a bit different because it’s a friend, not a romantic relationship, but it was a very intense friendship.  This person started as a part-time nanny for our family several years ago.  We chose her because she was so vivacious and energetic and fun.  Overtime she and I started to become very close friends because my husband was working a lot and it was so nice to have another adult helping out and we really connected with each other. 

As we got closer I started learning that she battled what seemed to just be a lot of depression and anxiety.  Finally a little bit over a year ago she ended up moving in with us and the depression went full force.  I ended up being a nurse and counselor and mother and sister and friend and our relationship got even more intense.  I really took her in as a member of the family and really really cared deeply for her... .and she seemed to require so much care that in so doing I feel regretfully that I sometimes neglected the rest of my family.  So over the last year I also started to realize it was more than just depression. There were so many outbursts, trouble managing anger, push pull behavior, manic times etc. etc.  For a while I thought maybe bipolar, but the mood swings were much closer together.  Then I read an article about borderline and realized she fit almost all the criteria to a T. I thought I was reading an article about her. 

So a couple of months before the holidays my husband kind of gently encouraged her to look for a new place to live as she was often saying she felt like she needed more independence and her being in our home was definitely causing some problems for the family.  My husband felt I was giving her more time than everyone else and her outbursts and periods of intense sadness or manic behavior we’re getting to be a bit much for our children to witness all the time.  So we found her a great place to live for a good price really close to us. It was perfect for her and she seemed quite excited about it. We talked about having get-togethers there and eating meals together, watching TV shows, etc. Lots of plans for friendship in the future. 

Over the holidays I did notice her pulling away a bit as I never saw her, but we continued to text and most of our conversations were pretty normal and she even mentioned how she missed me and we would get together right after the new year etc. On New Year’s Eve she wrote that she was excited for the next chapter of our friendship and she thanked me for my help over the past year.  Then on January 1 (less than 24 hours after than nice text) she blocked my contact and we have had absolutely no contact since that day.  It took me a few days to realized I was blocked. I sent her a couple of nice texts and then when I didn’t get a response I was asking her if she was OK etc. and then after a couple days I put it together and realized I had been blocked. I was completely shocked.  It is unfathomable to me that somebody I was so close to could just flip off the switch and be done with me.  And our family gave her so much. Took her on trips, provided food, a place to live, love and support and gave her everything that we gave to everyone else in the family.  There were so many nights when she cried in my arms and I hugged her and told her everything was going to be OK.  She had told me about her history of always leaving people before they could leave her, but she looked me in the eyes and told me that would never happen with me.  Now after learning everything I’ve learned about borderline I do intellectually get it, but emotionally I cannot seem to move on.  I know this person lives less than a mile away from me and I am just blown away at how she can shut me out. 

And one thing that’s really upsetting is that she has basically moved on to another family. It’s like a movie. The family is kind of similar to ours and she’s working for them and eating with them and has trips planned with them etc.  I heard through a friend last night that she is apparently going away for most of the summer with this family. We took her away with us last summer so again – it’s like a movie. Like she’s just repeating exactly what she did with us. I fell completely apart last night and cried and cried.  And I am so tired of thinking about her and being sad. I have three amazing kids and an amazing husband so I am very very lucky. I want to just be happy again for my family, but I can’t get this person out of my head.  It is so incredibly frustrating. I alternate between sad and angry that this person just captured my heart like this and tore it apart.  And I’m sure she has just completely moved on so why can’t I?  I think I just can’t believe there was no closure at all and I am struggling so much with the cognitive dissonance… it just makes no logical sense to me and I can’t put it together.  I am trying so hard to focus on my family, keep myself busy, make plans with other friends, etc.  but she is still there all the time in my head.  What strategies have helped people to move on?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[VMJ7675]

My story is a bit different because it’s a friend, not a romantic relationship, but it was a very intense friendship.  This person started as a part-time nanny for our family several years ago.  We chose her because she was so vivacious and energetic and fun.  Overtime she and I started to become very close friends because my husband was working a lot and it was so nice to have another adult helping out and we really connected with each other. 

As we got closer I started learning that she battled what seemed to just be a lot of depression and anxiety.  Finally a little bit over a year ago she ended up moving in with us and the depression went full force.  I ended up being a nurse and counselor and mother and sister and friend and our relationship got even more intense.  I really took her in as a member of the family and really really cared deeply for her... .and she seemed to require so much care that in so doing I feel regretfully that I sometimes neglected the rest of my family.  So over the last year I also started to realize it was more than just depression. There were so many outbursts, trouble managing anger, push pull behavior, manic times etc. etc.  For a while I thought maybe bipolar, but the mood swings were much closer together.  Then I read an article about borderline and realized she fit almost all the criteria to a T. I thought I was reading an article about her. 

So a couple of months before the holidays my husband kind of gently encouraged her to look for a new place to live as she was often saying she felt like she needed more independence and her being in our home was definitely causing some problems for the family.  My husband felt I was giving her more time than everyone else and her outbursts and periods of intense sadness or manic behavior we’re getting to be a bit much for our children to witness all the time.  So we found her a great place to live for a good price really close to us. It was perfect for her and she seemed quite excited about it. We talked about having get-togethers there and eating meals together, watching TV shows, etc. Lots of plans for friendship in the future. 

Over the holidays I did notice her pulling away a bit as I never saw her, but we continued to text and most of our conversations were pretty normal and she even mentioned how she missed me and we would get together right after the new year etc. On New Year’s Eve she wrote that she was excited for the next chapter of our friendship and she thanked me for my help over the past year.  Then on January 1 (less than 24 hours after than nice text) she blocked my contact and we have had absolutely no contact since that day.  It took me a few days to realized I was blocked. I sent her a couple of nice texts and then when I didn’t get a response I was asking her if she was OK etc. and then after a couple days I put it together and realized I had been blocked. I was completely shocked.  It is unfathomable to me that somebody I was so close to could just flip off the switch and be done with me.  And our family gave her so much. Took her on trips, provided food, a place to live, love and support and gave her everything that we gave to everyone else in the family.  There were so many nights when she cried in my arms and I hugged her and told her everything was going to be OK.  She had told me about her history of always leaving people before they could leave her, but she looked me in the eyes and told me that would never happen with me.  Now after learning everything I’ve learned about borderline I do intellectually get it, but emotionally I cannot seem to move on.  I know this person lives less than a mile away from me and I am just blown away at how she can shut me out. 

And one thing that’s really upsetting is that she has basically moved on to another family. It’s like a movie. The family is kind of similar to ours and she’s working for them and eating with them and has trips planned with them etc.  I heard through a friend last night that she is apparently going away for most of the summer with this family. We took her away with us last summer so again – it’s like a movie. Like she’s just repeating exactly what she did with us. I fell completely apart last night and cried and cried.  And I am so tired of thinking about her and being sad. I have three amazing kids and an amazing husband so I am very very lucky. I want to just be happy again for my family, but I can’t get this person out of my head.  It is so incredibly frustrating. I alternate between sad and angry that this person just captured my heart like this and tore it apart.  And I’m sure she has just completely moved on so why can’t I?  I think I just can’t believe there was no closure at all and I am struggling so much with the cognitive dissonance… it just makes no logical sense to me and I can’t put it together.  I am trying so hard to focus on my family, keep myself busy, make plans with other friends, etc.  but she is still there all the time in my head.  What strategies have helped people to move on?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Ozzie101]

Hello VMJ7675!

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's incredibly painful to pour your heart and soul into someone only to be discarded.  And relationships (of any kind) with pwBPD are not like other relationships. They're more intense -- and so is the aftermath.

This article talks about romantic relationships, but much of what it says could still apply in your situation. Does the information it provides help in any way?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[VMJ7675]

Ozzie101- Thank you so much for responding to me. It’s helpful to hear from others who understand. Thank you for that link. I have indeed read that article and have certainly tried to  remember those 10 things when thinking about the situation but it’s just so hard to believe still.   As a person without borderline myself I just could never get so attached to somebody and completely shut them off so it just doesn’t make any sense in my head.   And I’m being told by my therapist and family to have no contact and move on and my rational mind thinks that’s probably the best thing, but I just feel like there are things that I still want to say. I want this person to know how badly she hurt me. I know she probably won’t get it and/or won’t care because she’s just not capable, but I still feel like she should know how badly she hurt another human being.  But my therapist keeps saying that no contact is really the way to go to get through the pain more quickly.   I sacrificed a lot for this person and opened up my heart completely and I just feel completely betrayed and it hurts terribly.

[Ozzie101]

Easy to read things. So much harder to internalize. And the rational mind can seem much quieter and weaker than the heart, especially in times of pain.

The sad and frustrating thing is that, much as you try to communicate it to her, she may never understand what she actually did to you.

The thing is, time really does help. It's hell going through it, but as more time goes by, things become easier to manage. The pain starts to lessen. Going NC will help that process along, which is likely why your therapist recommends it. If you keep contacting her, you basically keep the whole drama going, like continually picking at a scab instead of letting it heal.

One thing that I've found helpful when I've wanted to say something to someone but couldn't actually say it is to write it. I wrote a letter to the person in question. Didn't send it, but poured all my feelings out. That, in a way, released them. Again, you don't actually send the letter as that violates no-contact, but in my case I felt like it wasn't all pent up inside me like a pressure cooker. Do you think that might help?

[once removed]

"ghosting", or cutting someone off without explanation, is, unfortunately, on the rise today, whether it be in romantic relationships or friendships. im not sure NC applies in this case; how do we go no contact with someone who has cut off contact with us? in these circumstances, its more about ending the pursuit, or giving space, even when all we want is answers. its hard to make that shift.

theres no arguing that ghosting really hurts, and leaves the mind spinning for explanations.

we may never know why, in this case. it may even have little if anything to do with you personally. it feels very personal, of course - the two of you were long time close friends, and she took to blocking.

acknowledge your pain, and grieve it as much as you need to.

hang in there.

[VMJ7675]

 Thank you both so much for your responses. I cannot tell you how comforting it is to hear from others who understand this personality disorder as I don’t have many other people in my world who do. Ozzie101–  to answer you, yes I am actually really thinking about drafting a letter. Of course there’s a tiny part of me that thinks I might want to send it however based on all the advice I’ve gotten I will probably just stick it in a drawer and hope that it brings me some relief to vent my feelings.

And Once Removed—  you are so right about the ghosting thing. It is truly awful and makes me sad for my children who will probably face more and more of that.   It’s a terrible feeling to feel like somebody literally flipped a switch and “turned you off.”   And this is indeed what my friend did to me. And the fact that in the few days prior she made references to getting together and shared funny jokes with me and stories and told me she was looking forward to the next chapter of our friendship makes it all the more painful. I keep wondering if she was planning this all along and just trying to make me feel even worse or did something suddenly snap inside. I may never know.   So yes, based on the advice of others around me I am opting to give her the space that she seems to need.  My guess is that she did feel subtly pushed out of our home and she felt uncomfortable with being so vulnerable with me and just decided she had to turn it off for fear that I might turn it off if she didn’t.   But it is so painful because I would have always been her friend despite all the challenges.   But now I’m just so sad and in some ways angry and feel so betrayed that it probably is best just to try to move on.   Because sadly, I have the feeling the cycle would just repeat itself.   It is so bizarre to me, however, that people who fear abandonment so much push those that love them away.

[Panda39]

I pulled a link to a thread another member started on Trauma Bonding that had a list of "10 Steps to Recovering from a Toxic Trauma Bond" that you might find helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327131.0

Take Care,
Panda39

[VMJ7675]

Panda 39 — thank you for that article.  A lot of it does ring true.  Just so hard to follow it all when the emotions surround the situation are so strong.  But I guess like the article says, a lot of it is about allowing yourself to feel the emotion and grieve.

[Panda39]

... .like the article says, a lot of it is about allowing yourself to feel the emotion and grieve.

Yes, you have to grieve it.  I had an important relationship back in my 20's that I didn't grieve, I instead stuffed it. I visualized my feelings locked in a box hidden behind my heart.  Stuffing those feelings led me to make some not so wise choices and eventually at 47 all of those feelings resurfaced again.  I finally mourned the loss then, but I would have done so much better if I had done it back when the relationship ended. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling it is okay to do that, you need to in order to process the loss. I would say that if you find yourself stuck for a long time the help of a Therapist may be in order.

The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.

Panda39