Leaving denial, coming to acceptance

[jmi303]

I bought Stop Walking on Eggshells years ago and a DBT workbook.  I knew my child had BPD and a diagnosis finally came last year.  Here in the UK access to psychological therapies are very hard to come by unless you are a danger to yourself or others, or have money. 

But knowledge is not understanding.  Understanding is accepting in your heart that the child you thought you could bring back to you is lost.  And that you have a different job to do, one that may in the end defeat you.  My 33 year old daughter now has a 2 year old son, has jettisoned her partner and, for the moment is estranged from me. 

But I will be here in a different way now.  She will abuse me but I will not take it personally.  I will learn about boundaries.  I am moving into another country.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello jmi303 and

I'm so sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you posted. You will find many other parents who can relate to what you've posted, relationships with a pwBPD (person with BPD) are similarly intense, though all are unique.

Like you, I didn't fully accept my DD25's BPD traits at first, I hoped she'd mature, gain a new perspective. She was diagnosed in 2011 and I have only recently begun to accept and understand her limitations.

As you say, learning about boundaries is so very important, as is not taking their behaviors personally. I'm glad you are here - you are not alone. Some of the parents here are also estranged from their adult children/grandchildren.

I hope you take advantage of this site, there are so many great articles here and, most importantly, others walking similar journeys. Feel free to jump in and post in others' threads, it's a comfort to us all to know that we are not alone, that others care.

What led to the estrangement? How are you coping? Do you have any outside support?

Sorry for all the questions, it helps to get more information so we know how to best support you. We are here for you, we get it better than anyone else does.

Again, Welcome! I hope to hear more from you - what's working and how you are navigating this new relationship with your D.

~ OH

[Huat]

Hello Jmi303.

I join Only Human in welcoming you here.

I found your post truly refreshing.  The key is "acceptance" and then getting on with life.  For sure, not easy, but once one reaches that stage it can make it easier to handle whatever is thrown at us... .the pipe dreams replaced with reality.

"Knowledge is not understanding."  Your words... .and very profound!  One can hear/read but not listen/absorb.

I am one of the parents here who have gone through many off/on/off periods of being estranged from my daughter.  I am one of the many grandparents here who are also estranged from their grandchildren (who are now adults).  That has been the hardest thing to work on... .will always be a work-in-progress.  I find that I can forgive my daughter because she is afflicted with this terrible personality disorder... .but having a harder time forgiving her for the loss of our grandchildren.  Not only have they cut us (their only grandparents) out of their lives, neither of them has contact with their respective fathers nor those families because of their mother's influence.  I am sadder for them than for us.

You write... ."I am moving to another country."  (I feel like asking you to save me a seat!)  Now... .do you mean "physically"... .or "mentally"?

Well whatever, Jmi303, glad you are here.  Share with us your journey and come along to bolster others who are finding times rough as they try to deal with their BPD'ers hurtful behaviours.

Huat

[jmi303]

Thank you for your kind responses. My journey to another country is a figurative one (I already tried the literal one, it didn't work, she would hound me down wherever I was).
Our estrangement this time began at Christmas when I answered a criticism of myself  by her as though i were a human being and not a shaven-headed saint ( this after working for two days to provide a wonderful dinner for her and 16 of the rest of the family). Wrong response, fireworks ensued, much screaming (which is the only suitable register for telling me what a vile person I am.) Christmas guests left lying around stunned among the debris of turkey and paper hats as after a terrorist attack.