Slipping into a pool of black mud

[Jennyrob]

My young adult daughter has been suffering from BPD since age 13 { diagnosed at 17)... .severe anxiety depression... agorphobia ... .anger issues ... emotional abusive to me... .one suicide attempt ... self harm... which is done ... .dozens of drs therapist medical drs looking for medical illness to psychologists ... .tons of antidepressants that make things worse... .she’s finally off the worst ... cymbalta ... has good and bad days and just started a class at a local college ... .problem is ... .I’ve developed severe depression from all the stress ... the fear of another attempt ... .the ptsd of the attempt... .the isolation for fearing to have others in our home... .and my husband travels and is not as tolerant or empathetic as me. I’m at my wits end... .holding on by threads... .feeling guilt for causing the pain in th family raising a daughter to have such affliction and not being able to help her and now not being able to do simple tasks... .housework etc let alone actually functioning in society... make up... clean... .dress nice... .I’m trapped though as I can’t leave my children ... .but my life is intolerable to live... I don’t know what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi Jennyrob.

Welcome back. I see you first started to post in 2016 and in reading this latest one, it is obvious that this has been a long, hard journey for you.  So much time and effort has gone into helping your daughter that you are just plain worn out.

I fully understand when you write of your depression.  I well remember when I hit my lowest a few short years ago.  I would even wake in the middle of the night and start to cry.

So, back in 2016 you wrote that you and your daughter started DBT Family Therapy and that you were going to parent group therapy.  How did that work out for you at the time?

Whatever then... .this is now... .and you do need help... .as all of us do at one time or another.  For me, I found a counsellor who would listen to ME.  I so urge you to do the same.  Then I came on board here.  Nothing happened overnight but gradually, gradually I managed to pull myself up and out of the dark place I had entered. 

You write about feeling guilty... ."causing the pain in the family... .raising a daughter to have such affliction and not being able to help her... .".  Jennyrob, there is no doubt in my mind that you have tried your best and when you knew better, you did better.  That is all one can ask of another.  Parenting a "normal" child is difficult enough but to parent a child who has problems is a whole different story.

Stick with us, Jennyrob.  This is a very caring, non-judging community.  Put your fingers on the keyboard and pour out your heart.  We will walk with you.

((HUGS) from one Mom to another.

Huat

[Lollypop]

Hi jennyrob

I’d like to join Huat in saying Hi.

You’ve been through so very much. It is traumatic and we don’t come through unscathed. It’s certainly not fair. It seems endless.

I totally get it. I felt so overwhelmed, exhausted, ashamed, angry and very very sad. Completely at a loss.

But there is a way forward. There has to be because as you’ve said it’s intolerable.

I changed my approach and tried the one thing I hadn’t tried before: to change myself. I had to find a way to cope and that meant being gentle with myself, putting myself first.

I hope you stay around Jennyrob. I think it’d be lovely.

My son28 was dx at 24. A quiet BPD and non functioning. He’s now living in a halfway kind of situation and managing to work. We are happier, despite the problems.

What should you do?

Breathe. Take your foot off the pedal. Put yourself first. Demonstrate to  your family what it means to take care of yourself. They will learn what that means.

You got any thoughts on this?

Hugs

LP

[Isanni]

Hi.
You sound totally spent, exhuasted. And that sucks and is hard to get out of. The drama our kids create sucks the life out of everyone around them. Seems like mom tends to bear the brunt of it.

Just thinking - one technique my husband and I have been forced to learn and apply - is always coming across as being on the same page. You said your husband is not as empathetic. This must be frustrating for both you and him. From what I've learned, having parents not parent the same way creates opportunities for them to take advantage of us and to increase their symptoms and negative behaviors. My husband is also a lot more giving, feeling a lot of guilt because he travels. It creates a situation where I have to be more strict because he lets too much go. He is more loose because I'm more strict. And those positions get deeper. You might want to start with your husband - understanding his perspective, why he parents the way he does. Why  you approach your daughther differently. I believe these kids need consistency, structure, no wiggle room for being nasty or naughty. But regardless, if the center of your life is your daughter and it's not going well with her, and your husband is on a different page than you, that can be too much to manage. So perhaps there are two pieces - focusing on you and what brings you some joy and exploring with your husband an agreed approach to managing your daughter.

[Manifest32f]

Hi Jennyrob:

I welcome you to this site and can feel your pain. I agree with Issani. When we, as parents, try to join together and address any matter with our BPDs, they resent it - my uBPDd always says we are ‘ganging up’ on her. My husband doesn’t actually understand nor has any patience on how to handle things with her but I give him some tips and ways to help him so he just follows my lead. It’s highly stressful and I sympathize with you completely.
One thing I agree with others is, please take care of yourself and do whatever makes you calm and relax, even for a short time every day. You can try yoga, meditation, walk, listening to music or something that helps to take your mind far away even for a short period every day so it slowly brings you some much needed peace. Please take care. Sending positive thoughts your way!

[Huat]

Hi Jennyrob

I am sure I am not the only one wondering how you are doing.

I am so glad you found this supportive community where we all work on helping each other along our journey where some of our days are better than others.

Thinking of you, Jennyrob.

Huat

[Mirsa]

Hi,

I will support everyone's recommendation for self-care and put in an extra vote for yoga.  It also sounds to me like your husband gets breaks via his travel away from home, but you are there 24/7 slugging through the mire with her.  Yes, it can definitely cause exhaustion, depression, anxiety, and I agree, PTSD.  It is traumatic. 

Please don't blame yourself for your child's problems.  I've raised two daughters, just two years apart in age.  One is BPD and a narcissist.  The other daughter is as kind and empathetic as they come (but not an angel by any means).  However, it's been helpful to remind myself that two girls, same parents, similar life experiences, but one of them has been self-centered and self-absorbed since she was two years old.  It's genetics, not parenting. 

Perhaps your husband could help you take a break... .could you go away for a few days?  If finances are a concern, perhaps go to a family member's or friend's house out of the area for a week?  My guess is that you would sleep for five days out of seven and then wake up refreshed. 

Best wishes, we are thinking of you... .