I decided to start a new thread.  In the past 6 days, I have had a panic attack, saw my counselor again for the first time in months, celebrated our official one year anniversary, had surgery to remove a lymph node and get a 6 inch cut in my back to remove melanoma cancer cells, had our boat moved down here, and have to take a midterm exam by midnight tonight. 

My panic attack happened Tuesday night.  Came out of nowhere.  Was getting the kids their dinner, had sharp pain where my heart is, sat down, heavy pressure on my chest, started having trouble breathing, started hyperventilating, was able to tell our oldest to get dad.  He started getting scared and I was getting worse so he called 911.  By the time the ambulance showed up, I was incoherent, tingling from head to toe, hands were curled up because my muscles had tightened up so much.  The EMTs thought it was a panic attack, but took me to the hospital to make sure there was nothing else. They cleared me and released me that night.

My counselor appointment went great.  We are going to work on coping strategies next week.   She knows about my panic attack and surgery coming up.  We had an amazing night celebrating our one year anniversary.  It was just the two of us, no drama, no other people.  Great dinner, great conversation.  We splurged on our meal and some wine and I had a lot of fun.

The entire process at the hospital for my procedure last from 5:30am to about 4pm.  They released me when I was still way loopy and still feeling the effects from the anesthesia.  They had to inject the cancer sight to determine which lymph node it was draining to so they could do a removal for the biopsy.  They did about a 6 inch long S-Shaped cut in my back and I am not sure how deep.  I am still feeling the soreness. My right leg feels swollen, tight, and just messed up.  I am not sure how many more days I will be not fully feeling like myself.  I have a doctor note for a week off school and work, but attempting to do both tomorrow.

Our boat got moved down here after a year.  That's a whole different thing.  At least it is here where we live instead of three hours away.

My priorities have really taken a shift.  My physical limitations currently and the amount of stress I have put my body through the last few days has made me really calm down dealing with my H.  He seems to have shifted his priorities as well.  He was scared I was having a heart attack, he was scared about my entire surgery and freaked out when he saw the scar.  He didn't want to see it and asked me to cover it up.  Told me he couldn't stand to see where they hurt me.  Ironic in a way.  Emotional hurt is easier to hide, physical hurt is in your face.  Sometimes I think the cut on my back is a reminder of how strong I am.  I hope it leaves a mark.  If I can beat cancer trying to get me, I can beat anything.

I'll weigh in with F2F on the coordinatedbreathing and walking. Walking is almost always possible -- for me, it is my spiritual and prayer time. Yoga might not be possible now (due to your incision) but the "breathing through" exercises were helpful to me.

My stepdaughter is a LMT, specializing in medical massage - she has a certification from M.D. Anderson for work with cancer patients. She also does hospice massage (that takes a special person). I've learned so much from her about deep breathing and breathing through. Deep tissue massage can be very uncomfortable.

The other thing to remember is that after the massage, DRINK LOTS OF WATER to flush the toxins.

Yes... double and triple yes on uncomfortable and drink water.

Flush it all out!

My quality of life/range of motion has dramatically improved by combining regular (and very uncomfortable) deep tissue massage, with exercises and stretches that physical therapists have designed and some chiropractic.

The massage usually lets me know where I've been slacking on stretching or self care.

In fact... I need to get on and schedule one for Friday.  That will be after a long car trip and I have quite a bit of schoolwork to do the next day.  So... .it should help me be on top of my game.

At this point... AskingWhy is like... ."hey... wasn't this my thread?"   

FF

How are you feeling today, Frankee? What you've been through in the last several weeks is a BIG DEAL, both the surgery and the issues with your husband. I'm glad to hear that you're being gentle with yourself.

And great news that you're doing so well in your nursing program. 

I was feeling well last couple days.  My bph had what I call a fit last night.   I am making notes on here so I can refer to my counselor as well. 

Last night, I was exhausted and aching from the surgery.   I told him.  I was about 11:30pm when he got out of the shower.  He got upset because I was pretending to be asleep.  He got upset because here lately I either pretended or am asleep when he gets out of the shower. 

He pointed out from his viewpoint that when he asks me if I am okay and I say I am tired that I am lying.  That he knows that something is bothering me.  That he has been in a good mood and I have been acting depressed and I have been  bringing him down.  I felt like it was someone telling a depressed person to just "get over it" or "be happy". 

His viewpoint is that I don't talk about stuff until he yells, then I get to use the spouted nonsense I don't talk talk to him about stuff because he reacts like this.  I realize that's what happens, but I honestly don't do it on purpose.   He feels I thrive on the drama.  Sometimes I feel like I would rather keep certain things to myself because I feel he won't understand or he will snap, even when he's trying to be understanding.  I think I am not fully comfortable disclosing feelings to him on certain stressful things.

I have been thinking to myself that I feel something is off inside my head.  I know things are getting better.  Things are not getting worse.  He feels I live off causing problems or the "drama", when I know I don't.  Then I wonder if I might be slightly depressed.  I wonder how someone can feel "blue", but have a conscious knowledge that things are getting better.  How can someone feel "blue", but be aware of the subtle changes that are happening, but feel like the audience in their own feelings.  I know I cannot share that with him.  He will say I am using it as an excuse.  I know that much. 

Sometimes I feel he forgets I just had a panic attack and surgery within two days of each other, regardless it was a week an a half ago.

I really appreciate the support.

I feel that the whole time frame is spot on.  He seems to give the indication that since they got the cancer and the lymph node it was draining too, magically fixes the problem.  I am still aching where they took the lymph node.  It's a big knot under my skin.  He does 't want to see it.  He doesn't want to think of me like that.  It hurts.  It's like he can't bear to see the physical wounds, but they hurt a lot less then the emotional/mental wounds he's inflicted.

There are times where he does act like a child.  Throwing fits, you're not paying attention to me, you never want to have fun!  He tells me I have no spark left, no life in me, walking zombie.  He's getting better as a person, he's getting help, he's growing.  That I haven't improved, I shouldn't be trying after 6 years, he's not going to let my issues put him in a bad mood.  Our relationship has been anything but normal and yes I am still trying, but it's only been a few months since I have felt better or even started recovering from all our past history.

I am going back to see my counselor.  I am not going to stop going.  I should had never stopped in the first place.  I am use as my safe place to keep record of occurrence with him and how I felt.  I even went online to a depression chat.  I barely scratched the surface on his behavior after the surgery.  I had a lot of people say he was a royal douche and a cr@ppy partner.