Facebook and being "friends" with old flames

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Need some advice,

It's bothering me that my fiancée is friends with a couple of old boyfriends on facebook. There are two, I know of. From what I know, she has no contact with them other than they are in her friends list.

This is something I am feeling weird about, and trying to dismiss it from my mind, but am struggling.

She is a wonderful woman and we do not argue and fight. I am not mad at her. I am just trying to understand why I feel the way I do and how to approach her with this, if my feelings don't go away.

We were about a month into our relationship, and she was telling me about this guy she had dated in college, around 1986-87. Then she got married in 1989 ( not this guy) and was married for 26 years.

She didn't go into details about the relationship but she was telling me how he had gotten on facebook and posted that she had given him the best orgasm he had ever had. He had done this maybe within the last 6 years or so. She mentioned him because she was telling me that when she named her son, her husband didn't like the name because it was her old boyfriend's last name. In telling me the "story" about her son's name, she had mentioned what this guy had posted. She told me how mad she was that he posted it.

Fast forward 10 months, the other night she was watching the Grammys. She mentioned (old boy friends name) and said he had written some music or something to that effect , and ended up on the Grammys. Not sure if he won one, or what, but I was just like, really, huh.

Last night she was showing me something on facebook and I saw his name go by in her friends list and I was like, oh, I didnt know you were friends with him on here. She ignored and kept going to what she wanted to show me. I asked her later why she didn't defriend him when he posted that comment about her way back when, she just said "I don't know" " He was drunk when he did it, that's not an excuse, but anyway"
I didn't say anything else. It's been bugging me since.

Maybe it's triggering? My first wife ran off with her high school sweetheart when she hooked up with him on Facebook 8 years ago. Then my second wife (BPD) was friended on Facebook by a guy she had been engaged to in the early 90's and she ended up having an "affair" with him for a month or two.

It has me bothered on the inside.  What experiences have some of you had with the Facebook junk?

[byfaith]

Need some advice,

It's bothering me that my fiancée is friends with a couple of old boyfriends on facebook. There are two, I know of. From what I know, she has no contact with them other than they are in her friends list.

This is something I am feeling weird about, and trying to dismiss it from my mind, but am struggling.

She is a wonderful woman and we do not argue and fight. I am not mad at her. I am just trying to understand why I feel the way I do and how to approach her with this, if my feelings don't go away.

We were about a month into our relationship, and she was telling me about this guy she had dated in college, around 1986-87. Then she got married in 1989 ( not this guy) and was married for 26 years.

She didn't go into details about the relationship but she was telling me how he had gotten on facebook and posted that she had given him the best orgasm he had ever had. He had done this maybe within the last 6 years or so. She mentioned him because she was telling me that when she named her son, her husband didn't like the name because it was her old boyfriend's last name. In telling me the "story" about her son's name, she had mentioned what this guy had posted. She told me how mad she was that he posted it.

Fast forward 10 months, the other night she was watching the Grammys. She mentioned (old boy friends name) and said he had written some music or something to that effect , and ended up on the Grammys. Not sure if he won one, or what, but I was just like, really, huh.

Last night she was showing me something on facebook and I saw his name go by in her friends list and I was like, oh, I didnt know you were friends with him on here. She ignored and kept going to what she wanted to show me. I asked her later why she didn't defriend him when he posted that comment about her way back when, she just said "I don't know" " He was drunk when he did it, that's not an excuse, but anyway"
I didn't say anything else. It's been bugging me since.

Maybe it's triggering? My first wife ran off with her high school sweetheart when she hooked up with him on Facebook 8 years ago. Then my second wife (BPD) was friended on Facebook by a guy she had been engaged to in the early 90's and she ended up having an "affair" with him for a month or two.

It has me bothered on the inside.  What experiences have some of you had with the Facebook junk?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey byfaith,

I understand that you are uncomfortable with your fiancé being in contact with old boyfriends on FB. 

What do you think is behind this discomfort?  In other words, what's the real issue?  I wonder.

Are you feeling insecure?  Presumably both of you have had prior relationships.

It seems like you are trying to control something that is out of your control.

What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

[once removed]

im friends with pretty much all of my exes but one on facebook. of all of them, i speak to one here and there, go to her halloween parties, and have a pretty good, but not very close friendship.

different strokes for different folks. some prefer to remain friends, some dont. personally i dont take the fact that shes friends with exes, or mentions them, as alarming in and of itself.

the best orgasms thing is inappropriate to post on facebook imo, but thats facebook, it was six years ago, and chocking it up to drunkenness does make sense.

if i had partners leave me through facebook, im sure i would wonder too. im interested, as Lucky Jim asked, what do you think is behind the discomfort?

[byfaith]

This probably wouldn't even be an issue (in my mind) if FB didn't exist, it has made it so easy for relationships that would have just disconnected in the natural process, becoming only a memory in the mind. Now you have this instant access to your past, if you so wish.

I will give some more thoughts later, just thinking through this. Thanks for your questions

BF

[Mindfried]

Hi by faith,

I have a strong belief that men and women can never truly be friends. I don't think there is such a thing. I think you have experienced that twice already. I would have the same uneasy feeling as you. 

[Turkish]

She didn't go into details about the relationship but she was telling me how he had gotten on facebook and posted that she had given him the best orgasm he had ever had.

So he posted it, but why did she need to tell you that? It's devaluing you. 

At the beginning of our relationship,  my ex said similar things.  One time in the car she updated me live time as she was texting that guy.  And she told me later that he saw a picture of us on Myspace and that he told her he was better looking so why was she with me (even though he cheated on and broke up with her).

It's not the connection I see as a  , but telling you what he said.  Why in the hell would she tell you that?

[byfaith]

Hi Turkish,

At that point in knowing her, we had only gone out a few times and we were having a conversation about how we chose names for our kids. She told me she had dated a guy with the last name "bob" and she always liked that name. She was just talking and told me how this guy had posted that on Facebook... .then afterwards, I do remember her telling me that she shouldn't have said that.

It didn't really "bother" me. I just didn't know she was still friends with him on Facebook, and when she mentioned his name last week and then I saw his name on Facebook, well, it bothered me.

I may think differently on this than most people, my opinion is that when you are married to someone you should not have connections with ex sex partners from your past, unless of course you have to have contact with an ex spouse. I just think FB has opened up a can of worms, that unfortunately is here to stay.

I may also have a different view point, than some do, on past sexual relationships. I can't stop her from having thoughts about her past or neither can she stop me from having thoughts about my past. I don't need to have FB be a reminder to me.

It doesn't bother me how many male friends she has on Facebook, just particular ones bother me.

[Notwendy]

ByFaith-
I just noticed your post, and I followed your story with your ex wife. It wasn't so long ago that you left this difficult marriage.

As I recall your wife had been married a few times before you. That's a red flag. I think your physical relationship was great at first but then non existent later.

My guess is that there were red flags about this woman before, but in the moment, the relationship felt great enough to ignore them.

In my own search for meaning in my relationship, I came across information about what influences our own attraction to people and people's attraction to us. I also read that if we leave one dysfunctional relationship and get into another without some time for self growth, we risk repeating the same patterns with someone else. You say you had another wife who ran off with an old boyfriend before you married the wife you posted about here.

Now, quite soon after divorcing a very dysfunctional wife, you are asking about a fiance and some red flags. I can point some out.

Facebook- a drama scene for people with poor boundaries. This is social media- public- no matter what your privacy settings are. People who are considering hiring a person will search social media to see "red flags" about prospective hires. And your fiance posts about an orgasm with someone on social media?  Sounds like poor boundaries. Even if it was a drunk post. People have been fired for impulsive posts on FB. 

Talking about old boyfriends. orgasms,  early on in the relationship. 
One failed marriage. ( may or may not be a red flag, but something to clear up as there were reasons for it )

Now, about your boundaries and values. Some people aren't bothered by their spouse staying in contact with exes on FB. However, you are.

I may think differently on this than most people, my opinion is that when you are married to someone you should not have connections with ex sex partners from your past, unless of course you have to have contact with an ex spouse.


This is your value.
It doesn't matter if anyone else has it or not ,but to have the kind of relationship you want to have with someone- they would need to share certain values with you. This is something that is likely to not change. If you are already feeling uncomfortable with this person and her boundaries now, then you will also face this situation if you get married.

I think one of the reasons we end up in dysfunctional relationships is not only because we ignored red flags in another person, but because we ignored our own feelings about the relationship and only focused on the romance/sex/highs of it.

If I'm counting right, this would be wife #3 for you. What's the rush? How about slowing down. Take some time to think about what you truly want in a marriage, what your values are, and if she shares them. Look back at the choices you made before and why they didn't work out. Pay attention to your gut feelings.

[byfaith]

Hi NW,

I totally understand what you are saying. I am doing the self searching on why it bothers me. There is a deeper reason that it bothers me, it has nothing to do with her.

And your fiance posts about an orgasm with someone on social media?  Sounds like poor boundaries. Even if it was a drunk post. People have been fired for impulsive posts on FB. 

To be clear, she did not post this. The old boyfriend posted it. If she would have told me she was the one posting it, that would have ended me seeing her. She has never gone into detail about her previous sex life.

We have a great relationship. This issue is not a deal breaker. There are so many wonderful aspects of our relationship. First, I can be myself. I don't have to be afraid to talk about anything that is bothering me. We talk things through. My first marriage there was a lot of stonewalling and the second, well that was a nightmare, if you remember some of the things I spoke of.

What I have done in the last two years is look at what I contributed to the previous bad marriages.

BF

[Turkish]

Feeling free to be yourself is certainly a major attraction. 

[Notwendy]

I misunderstood- I thought she posted it.

I do think the fact that it bothers you that she's friends with an old flame is something to consider. That may not mean there is anything wrong with either of you, but it's a difference in feelings to work out.

This may not be a deal breaker, but it could be a "slow down"- see what's behind this feeling - It may be completely your issues, but your feelings are signals to you. I'd listen to it.

Is it wrong to have an old flame on the FB friend's list? I don't think so as a general rule, but it also depends on what goes on on FB, what the boundaries are. I think it is possible to interact appropriately and also not appropriately. I can imagine if an old flame is connected to other friends, it could be stranger to single them out for exclusion, but also important to keep strong boundaries if you don't. It's more that you have feelings about this that are worth looking into- whether it's you or her.

[Mindfried]

https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2017/03/01/why-friending-your-ex-on-facebook-may-be-more-hazardous-to-your-marriage-than-you-think/

[mitti]

I may think differently on this than most people, my opinion is that when you are married to someone you should not have connections with ex sex partners from your past, unless of course you have to have contact with an ex spouse. I just think FB has opened up a can of worms, that unfortunately is here to stay.

Hi byfaith, I feel the same way about FB, or Instagram, connections with former partners. I have no problems with female friends but as soon as it is somebody he has had a sexual r/s with I feel bothered, unless contact is a must bc of children. I also feel that most people don't understand where I am coming from so glad to see I am not alone.

[Notwendy]

I think that's a good boundary too.  There could be exceptions if the old flame was connected to family or other close friends, but in general, without a good reason, it would bother me too. The main point is that- if BF is considering marriage, it's important to have shared values. If this bothers him, and not her, that may not be a deal breaker, but something to explore before making a permanent commitment. Someone else may not be bothered by being friends on FB with an old flame, but BF is- and he's the one considering marriage. It's important to him.

Our values are individual. I think it's important to pay attention to our own feelings and values when choosing a life long partner. We aren't likely to find someone exactly like us, but I think we can match on basic values. Engagement is a time of getting to know each other and if one person is uncomfortable during engagement, it's worth exploring that before embarking on a permanent situation that brings us discomfort.

Why is she in contact with an old flame on FB and what is the nature of the contact? What kind of behavior is she having on social media? Does she have boundaries? One of my concerns isn't just about being on FB but what is someone posting? Some people seem to post TMI and drama. That would cause me concern about poor boundaries.

[byfaith]

Thanks for the feedback. I have had time to process this.

Why is she in contact with an old flame on FB and what is the nature of the contact? What kind of behavior is she having on social media? Does she have boundaries? One of my concerns isn't just about being on FB but what is someone posting? Some people seem to post TMI and drama. That would cause me concern about poor boundaries.

Yes, she has boundaries, she rarely posts anything, and when she does it's a recipe or pictures of something we did together. I do know that some people that are friends on Facebook literally may not have seen each other or spoken to each other in 30 years. I am "friends" with people on there, I have not talked to or seen, since high school. I had to deal with my insecurities over the issue. It's funny how an issue like this can be a trigger to do some examining of inner feelings and where they come from.

BF

[Notwendy]

I'm glad you took the time to process this and observe that her posts are appropriate for social media.

I'm also "friends" on FB with people I haven't seen in decades. The posts I enjoy the most are family picture and news like their children's graduations, weddings. There are some "friends" who post TMI, and others who argue rudely over politics. These may not be red flags for BPD but I feel uncomfortable reading them. I usually "unfollow" them as I don't want to see them.