I feel LOST and depressed

[Thanos]

Hi everybody,

I'm stuck with myself. My girlfriend left me. We were together for a year. In the meantime, we were six months apart (I left her), but she understood her mistakes and asked me back. Of course I forgave and gave us a new opportunity. I am a very empathic person, I always try to negotiate all the problems so that everything is in harmony. But constant manipulation and insecurity on me caused me great anxiety. One day she decided to snoop on me (she had done that before) She went to my facebook when i was sleeping (she had my password). She saw that I complained to my friend that I couldn't go on like this and that her manipulation makes me crazy, and I don't think our relationship will last long. In the morning she came to our bedroom when I slept. She threw me an angry letter to bed. Where she wrote, how insecure and disgusting I am to go behind her back. For me it was a shock, because I believe we all have our own privacy and our own thoughts we try to solve. SHe said I had time to move out. The next day she blocked me from facebook and instagram. We took the cat a month before breakup. For her, the cat was like our common child. But she used him to manipulate me. For example, I had been no contact for 3 weeks, after we break up. It was my birthday and the first thing in the morning she sent me congratulations with our cat's picture "Happy birthday from us, heart" It pulled my heart from chest because it made me very hurt. She knew the cat was very important to me and she just used him to hurt me. I didn't answer her, but I feel very bad! It is hard for me to let go of it all, because I gave all my soul for this relationship, hoping that the person will change. The days seems like a black hole, but I'm trying to get my thoughts elsewhere. However, my heart is still with her and I want her to be fine. Am I naïve?

[Ozzie101]

Hello Thanos, and welcome to the boards!

I'm very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm glad you found us. This is a supportive community full of people who can understand what you're going through.

Breakups are painful even in relationships between two healthy people. When you throw BPD into the mix, it can be even more difficult and bewildering to handle. Unfortunately, it does sound like she's using your cat as a weapon in the battle, which must make it that much more painful. I'm sorry.

If you don't mind my asking, how long has it been since this recent breakup?

[Thanos]

Ozzie101 Thank you for your feedback, much appreciated!

It´s been 4 weeks. My birthday was last tuesday, when she sent me photo with my cat. At first i was really angry, but few days later i felt bad. Like maybe she feels bad and really cares.
But i have to think straight. As she used to manipulate me and her ex partners.

[Ozzie101]

I know how difficult it can be to sort through the feelings. What's genuine? What's manipulation?

Do you have a good support system around you? Friends? Family? People you can turn to to give you support?

[Thanos]

I am blessed with friends and family.

They all know my story and they support me as I will move forward with my life, without her!

[Ozzie101]

That's good. Having that support system is so important. This board can be that for you, too. Just curious, have you seen a therapist in dealing with any of this? That can be helpful to some people in sorting through the strong, conflicting emotions.

[Thanos]

For now I am good, without therapist. My family and friends are enough 

So today I got a call from my ex BPD. Unforunately she can`t find her one sneaker for two days, so she asked if I had it. Fortunately I know her mind games.
It`s really sad, but I have to move on.

[once removed]

As she used to manipulate me and her ex partners.

what happened?

[Thanos]

Sorry, I've been away.

Much has happened in the meantime. Two weeks ago I decided to contact her because I felt bad and wanted to end all under good terms. She was very surprised that I wanted to contact her. She told me how she's been dating after the end of our relationship, but all the men are disgusting (It`s been 7 weeks from BU). She has gained 12 pounds and is unhappy that I as her support person, have left her life. She said that if we didn't work in relationship, maybe we should be friends. I agreed, stupid me. Now It turns out that she gave our cat to someone else, that was a shock for me as she didn`t inform me if I wanted my cat. But now she wanted to go see our cat together on her birthday. I thought it was somewhat strange and I shouldn't accept that invitation (As i mentioned that she she used our cat for manipulation before, like my birthday). But I did, however and a few days before her birthday, she canceled our meeting (Not suprised). Saying she has a family dinner. I was sure she knew that before when she sent me invitation as they have dinner every year. Still I decided to call her on her birthday and wish her happy birthday and suprise suprise there is another act. She picked up the phone and half a sentence when I wished her happy birthday, she told someone else "wait honey". Then I asked am I disturbing you? She said No you can continue. I asked if shes making something good for her colleagues at the work. She said that she has a off day and told me she was spending her day with a very lovely person. It tore my heart out of my chest. It all shows how she manipulates my feelings. I decided to block her the same day, and move on with my life forever.

It all is pull push manipulation. Week before she says that she find all other guys disgusting and week later she has a very lovely person to spend her birthday with, who she calles honey.

I AM TIRED. This was our second breakup. After first breakup I went NC for 6 months. She got a rebound week later. I knew she will be back. So when she charmd back after 6 months, she told me how she knows I am her soulmate and she never stopped loving me. Even when she was with her rebound, she was thinking about me all the time. I WAS NAIVE. Then She wanted me to propose to her and have a child with me. Second time it all lasted 4 months, it all got to the same spot as the fist time. Depression, gaslighting, mirroring, manipulations etc. I know she has been abused as a child, with her parents and at the school (we went to the same school). She has admitted that she understands that she is manipulating me and that she cannot trust anyone etc. But my trust is GONE forever. She keeps toxic friend in her life, who has had no stable relationship and wants her to be single. Then she violated my privacy. Accused my cheating all the time. I never did! I never even flirted with anybody.

Look at me now, broken. Thats why I was thinking this time NC is not a solution and I need a closure. BUT like I can see, that is not the case with BPD.

Now she is blocked and I am moving on with my life.Last time we talked was her birthday, a week ago. That is my last contact with her, I can`t take apart with this anymore. I have my life to rebuild. I must say I am lucky that I didn`t propose to her and we didn`t have a child.

[Mindfried]

Hi Thanos,

Its a daily struggle. I have been out of my UDBPD GF relationship for 8 months after 4 plus roller coaster years with her. I do think about her daily and miss her and wonder does she think about me and ever miss me. I truly loved her and would do anything for her. I also know for my own mental and physical health I am better off without her. No more daily conflict, no more false accusations, no more walking on egg shells, no more defending myself, etc, etc, etc. Her words and actions never matched up. After reading your posts I know you will also be better off without her as well. I know when things are great with them they are amazing and when they are bad they are really bad. There comes a point when the really bad outweighs the really amazing. I know its easier said than done but keep moving forward knowing there are better days ahead and someone incredible for you right around the corner.

[Ozzie101]

Thanos, there is definitely a lot of manipulation going on. It's good that you can see that and can notice the patterns. Break-ups are difficult under the best circumstances, but in BPD relationships, there are added layers of pain.

Have you read this article? It talks about breaking up with a pwBPD.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Let me know your thoughts! I hope it helps in some way!

[Thanos]

Hi Thanos,

Its a daily struggle. I have been out of my UDBPD GF relationship for 8 months after 4 plus roller coaster years with her. I do think about her daily and miss her and wonder does she think about me and ever miss me. I truly loved her and would do anything for her. I also know for my own mental and physical health I am better off without her. No more daily conflict, no more false accusations, no more walking on egg shells, no more defending myself, etc, etc, etc. Her words and actions never matched up. After reading your posts I know you will also be better off without her as well. I know when things are great with them they are amazing and when they are bad they are really bad. There comes a point when the really bad outweighs the really amazing. I know its easier said than done but keep moving forward knowing there are better days ahead and someone incredible for you right around the corner.

Thank you! I know she misses me and thinks about me. When we met last time, she showed me bracelet I gave her at our holidays. She keeps it in her car, around the gear lever  

She said that when she lost her grandmother 5 years ago (her grandmother was only person who understood her, and was her trustee) She was broken to pieces. Now when we broke up, she felt the same way again. That I am only person she trusted and can talk about her issues. I know that this is true, that`s why it is so hard!

She stalkes me on my instagram (with fake account as she is blocked), drives by my work, to see if I am at work.
She likes drama ALOT.

Ozzie101

Thank you for support!

I have read it.

Thing is, you can`t run from heartbreak. This is not the first time for me. So I know it will get better.

But to be honest. I think I broke NC this time because I had to be sure that I can`t save this anymore. It is OVER!

[Lucky Jim]

She stalkes me on my instagram (with fake account as she is blocked), drives by my work, to see if I am at work.
She likes drama ALOT.

Hey Thanos, These are red flags, in my view.   

Suggest you proceed with caution.

LJ

[Thanos]

Hey Thanos, These are red flags, in my view.   

Suggest you proceed with caution.

LJ

She is master manipulator.

She admitted she used her rebound to make me jealous, posted pictures to instagram to make me feel bad etc. Like I said she "trusted" me that much, second time she confessed all the things she did with her rebound, just to make me jealous and miss her.

[Turkish]

How do you feel about that.  Do you miss her?

[Thanos]

Hello all!

I have been away for awhile. It`s been a struggle.

Of course I miss her. After I went full NC (blocked her from everything, except phone number and email) it`s been lonely and sad. I understand that this time it`s over forever and I can`t do nothing to change her. Only she can help herself.

About 3 weeks ago I had a meltdown. I was feeling really depressed, started smoking again, stopped working out.
I was feeling like nothing matters anymore and my life is over. I know it´s okay and it is a part of breaking up. It was a stage of depression and now I feel like I am finally grieving and starting to move on.

It has been a journey for me. Had to look to myself deeply.

So now I have been looking for a new job, to start fresh. I work at a place where we have a showroom and all the people and cars can see inside from the street. Now like I was pointing out 2 month ago, that she is basically stalking me and driving by me work, to see if I am at work. Now after my 1 week vacation, I came back to my showroom. And what do I see again, she is driving by my window and looking if I am back. It was first day after my 1 week vacation. Then my second day, again she is driving by and looking at me. I feel like I can`t let go if she is stalking/charming me.

Long story short. I had a alot harder time with our first breakup, but now i know all the reasons and why we can`t be together.
She has a new supply to go with, but I really hope she is getting her treatment at one point.

I know she will be back at one point, but all I can do is wish her the best and go on with my life.

Thank you all for the support. I have been reading some posts time to time and feel really sorry for everyone who is going through hard times. I can promise, it will get better and you will be stronger than ever before! Everything happens for a reason and remember life is too short, so take what you have been learned and move on. At the end, we will have people who are meant to be with us!

[Turkish]

It's only been a few days,  but it's she still doing this?

[Thanos]

Yes, she still doing it. Was working last saturday and again I saw her driving by my work.

I don`t know what to think about it.

[Turkish]

If you don't engage,  this will likely die off.  In the meantime,  how are you feeling that she's still driving by? 

[Thanos]

I feel like she is haunting me and i know that I can never fully move on like she`s never been in my life. She will always be a part of my life.

Today has been lonely day, been thinking about her.  I feel sorry for her and hope she´s getting help at one point. She is in new relationship about 2 months now. After our first breakup she had a new guy for 6 months, then she came back with love bombing etc. This time I know that I can`t do it again, I won`t survive third time...

[Thanos]

UPDATE

So I was swiping in Tinder and guess what, she`s back. Looks like it´s over with new supply, lasted from March.

I am afraid she knows I am using Tinder and is using it to let me know she is single again.

I was at work today and again saw her driving by and looking at me. It feels really weird that I see her just in time when I am looking out of window. Maybe I look subconsciously?

[Ecan]

Hello Thanos
Its a shame that she won't let you totally let go and I know what you mean by subconsciously looking for her. My exBPDgf surprised me at work after not physically seeing her for 5months, to give me something and then left. Now I find myself noticing every car that looks like hers driving by the shop and for weeks I was paranoid because she came up behind me I didn't even know she was there. It has created a trigger for me when stressed. I hate being at work now ,it sucks that they have no clue what they are doing to us or do they.  I'm curious do you think with her driving by is creating an addictive response in you? Have you noticed if its a certain time of day may be take a brake during that time.

[Thanos]

So I met her yesterday. Was riding my bike and met her at parking lot, took the risk and talked to her.

Apparently she broke up with boyfriend because he didn`t know how he feels about the relationship. There is much more there, as she stated and she can`t trust him anymore. She said that she loved him. But when i asked are you sure about it, you have been togheter only over 2 months? She said if she is thinking about it, she is sure he was rebound and she is not sure anymore.

When I was talking with her, I was seeing that lost little girl. I was feeling only compassion, nothing more. She needs help, I said that. But then she asked in non agressive manner, if i think she is crazy? I said of course not, but like you can see, you have question about your behavior.

And then the same old story came out, she wanted to be single and travel again.

I will have my boundaries this time. I know it is over and I can`t be part of it anymore. I needed that talk, we are humans with our own problems and emotions.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Thanos, Sounds like you handled the meeting well.

I like how you put this:

will have my boundaries this time. I know it is over and I can`t be part of it anymore. I needed that talk, we are humans with our own problems and emotions.

Right, you can't be a part of it anymore.

LJ

[Thanos]

Thank you, I appreciate it!

[once removed]

its been a few days. has anything happened since?

[Thanos]

Day later (friday) she sent me photos of our cat, who she gave away. "Look at that cute fatty"

I replied in few sentences. She said that she thinks about our cat less as time goes by. I said "Time heals everything"
She liked my message and we haven`t spoke since.

It`s not easy, I have mixed feelings. But when I think about our last meeting, she was afraid and lost. But i felt like she is not my problem anymore, like I don`t have any energy to deal with it. After she said that she loved him, I just felt like she just deleted our memories, "special" thing we had. She can take care of herself, I have no part in this anymore.

[Thanos]

UPDATE!

So yesterday she sent me facebook request. What I did? I accepted, because I felt like I don`t have any other option as I don`t want to hide anymore.
She sent me message next morning: Oh, that`s Thanos here.
We had some small talk, I had a appointment to my tattoo artist and she wished me painless session.

I'm honest here. When I read the other threads here, how hard time everybody has. There is a feeling that my concerns are really small.

However, as many people know, it is difficult to put boundaries on such a person. Every little contact they create is their clever way to get closer.

I feel really anxious again. When is she going to contact again etc. But I made my decision to be strong, no contact just won`t work for me, I know from past. I just have to be strong and set my boundaries.

Am I naive for thinking this way?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Thanos, NC is a tool, not a hard and fast rule.  Suggest you do what works best for you.  Boundaries, as you note, are essential.

LJ