My DD was broken by her Dad, yet again, at 30

[wendydarling]

DD went to visit her dad on his birthday, Tuesday to Saturday, he now lives 5 hours away. She always gets anxious in the run up to seeing him, she knows him well.  I arrived back from a weekend away to find her in bits. Truly heart breaking. Since 19yrs she has had many a conversation with him, sharing how his behaviour is undermining ……. he gets it, then forgets the conversation, back to starting point.  He does not understand her mental health issues, I believe he does not want to look introspectively (tbh never has) as it may raise his own pain, suffering….

We talked about how we can only change what’s in our control and I suggested she talk, work this through in therapy, she’s up for that. She needs to find a new therapist and you know how that is, finding a good fit, she shared she won’t settle for less, I said that’s a great starting place, you know what you need. I’ve recently re-read Get Me Out of Here, I hope DD finds a Dr Padgett to help her embrace and release her child.

Meanwhile she’s reached out to her amazing friends, who understand.

Its not easy, despite my best efforts as a single parent.

Onwards. We’ve much to learn. 

Peace.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi WD,

So sorry to hear your DD was let down by her dad, again. What a heartbreak. She's so lucky to have you on her side, supporting her, learning and growing with her. She's come so far, you too, and I also hope she finds a good T to help her continue to grow. Being a single parent IS tough, I'm glad you were able to enjoy a weekend away - respite rocks.

~ OH

[Turkish]

I was raised by a single mother from 2.4 years to 18 (adoption). I always felt a hole not having a dad,  but I know that having a parent who wasn't there emotionally would be so much harder.  I see how much my kids need both me and also their uBPD mom, though she tries as best that she can. 

Have you asked your daughter,  point-blank, what about how her dad is that causes her pain?

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

It’s a tough one isn’t it. I think your advice is the best. Hopefully she can find a therapist soon who helps her work through it.

Being able to let go, protect ourselves and make no judgment. We all are doing our best. Saintly thinking isn’t easy and seems almost impossible. I’m not sure anybody truly gets there. Life brings us constant pain in one degree or other - learning to let go makes life better.

I think all of us can look back at some aspect or other  and be resentful. My parents are both now dead and, despite having my Dad live close by, we never resolved the issues. He was BPD I think, all 3 children left damaged. My brother, when he was alive, couldn’t bare spending time with him. My sister clung to rose memories but since my dad died she’s altered her perception. There’s the British generational differences in “feelings” too.

Striving for a happier life, despite the problems seems a good way forward. I guess if this means your daughter deciding that her contact needs to be limited then so be it?

I really admire the way you’ve handled this. She’s lucky to have you.

LP

[Manifest32f]

Hi WD:
I think you are doing a fantastic job of calming and guiding your DD through this everyday challenge and learning different things that help her and through her, you! Your advice and guidance to me has always been on point and much appreciated! Hope everything goes well in finding the right T. Good luck to your DD. Take care.

[mamabolivia]

Poor child. I live a million miles away from my (BPD?) father and won't go back until he's dead. I can barely speak or skype to him.  Growing up I couldn't understand why he was so awful to me, and my mother spent all of her time protecting herself and him. The three daughters were all left in an emotional mess. The youngest committed suicide (very def. BPD).

Sometimes you need to protect yourself and walk away - and it's easier with the support of someone who KNOWS. My sister KNOWS and she is my rock, my anchor to reality, not the surreal stuff that happened (and still happens) in our family.

So, can you support your daughter walking away? Is there someone else who KNOWS that can support her? 

[Huat]

Hi Wendydarling

I think the relationship you have with your daughter is wonderful.  I am sure this is because of the work both of you have put into it.  She is trusting enough of you to open up and tell you how she feels.

I sincerely hope that new therapist for your daughter is found soon and that he/she is a good fit.

What a journey this is for all of us... .but how wonderful we are able to have this kind of connection.

Huat  

[ForeverDevoted]

Hi WD,
It’s truly awful seeing our DD’s broken when it could’ve/should’ve been avoided - they deal with so much already!

Why is it she needs a new therapist (if you don’t mind me asking)? I agree it’s very important that she find the right fit and I really hope she finds her Dr Padgett!

Your DD is very lucky to have you on her side - guiding her, comforting her and advocating for her.

Take care x

[wendydarling]

Thanks for your support and kind words everyone.

OH, Manifest, thank you.  I felt sad and overwhelmed yesterday, because I’ve been feeling very conflicted since last weekend. Conflicted my DD is struggling with her father and last weekend while away talking with my sister about celebrating our own Dad this year, it would have been his 100th birthday in June ~ he’d be smiling away knowing we’re having a good time on his day. Poles apart! He passed at 95 and ¾, she carried his coffin with her 3 male cousins, it was a sight to behold, weeks later my DD was hospitalised for the first time and dx. One of those crashing moments, two people I love dearly. Phew.

Thanks LP, you are right it is a tough one.  DD has stood back more since dx, because she was very ill and also because she’s changed. He lived locally till she was 16, then moved to Paris for 8 years, coming back to the UK he settled 3 hours away and 2 years ago moved 5 hours away. He had to move because he lost a significant amount of ££££££ money trading investments on line. A move from an area where he was settled to an area where he could afford to buy a cheaper home. For the last 15 years they’ve met up around 2-3 times a year – not much, add in all the calls, texts …... I’m sorry you and your siblings never resolved the issues with your Dad. Looking back with what you know now you think there was BPD, has that helped you make any sense for YOU? I think DD understands what drives her Dad's behaviours, difference is she's helping herself.

Mamabolivia, I'm sorry you've been through so much, your Dad was awful to you. I can't imagine how devastating it feels to lose a sister, my DD made attempts was such a shock, has changed my world - my reality. It sounds like you've done much work, keep going. We do have to find what’s right for us and our situation, be honest and truthful to ourselves, how we feel. Release. I'm glad you've your rock of a sister, you've got each other is truly special.   I believe my DD will do what's best for her. Mamabolivia, having a single child, not knowing if I'd have anymore (me being one of 4 sibs, none locally) it was high on my agenda to have an extended community of family of friends for her, me too. Seemed the natural thing to do. Yes she's people who know, support, who she can go to, who are there for her. Thank you for your care, it means so much.

Turkish It’s certainly not easy either way as you say, our ex’s are doing their best, it’s a struggle when not on the same page. I often wonder if it'd been best for us to disappear when I had the chance. It was not my choice to make, it was my choice to do my best and I still stand by that.

Have you asked your daughter, point-blank, what about how her dad is that causes her pain?

Turkish, where do I start.  I've not needed to ask, she tells me. Some back ground. He left when I was 7 months pregnant (after our 9 yr relationship) for another relationship (not our home though), someone he met on set working away, that relationship lasted months. I moved out when DD was 4 months. When DD was 2 he suggested we get back together for her sake... .I'd offered co-parenting from day one, he turned down as his work took him away, mine did too, I changed my career path. It suited him to dip in and out of her life as it fit him. I thought that was better than nothing. He eventually committed to Sundays when he was here, he'd often forget and she'd be there waiting excited for the ring of the doorbell. I gave up on asking him occasionally to collect her after school, too many occasions arriving home from work I’d find the Head had brought her home at 6pm. She was not in the forefront of his mind, life. When DD was 2.5yrs I took a career break to spend this important time with her ahead of school, settle her into nursery school. He never paid any maintenance support for her since then (it was a private arrangement, not through the courts) he thought I was taking the piss? It was his contribution towards her maintenance support, not mine. I used some of my savings to support myself for two years (and her), best decision I've ever made to spend that precious 24/7 time with her. I lowered my expectations and continued to get on  with life. Our upbringing was poles apart and as I read on these board, he was the golden boy, his elder brother beaten and finally his Mum left (DV) and took him with her, he was 14.

How does he cause her pain? His behaviours are inconsistent, one moment they’re having fun, then he is judgemental, super critical, overbearing ……. He fuels her BPD fire. They can have great times together, he can only hold this place of being for a short period. She came home saying he’s toxic, narcissistic, invalidating…(first time she’s used those words to me). He certainly suffers from anxiety (GAD I guess, also see some OCD), worries about his personal security especially money, status, …egotistical. Five day stay for DD was too long, coupled with her phone battery died so she was unable to reach out to her network for support.

I’m thankful my DD is able to help herself, not sure what else I can do.

Why is it she needs a new therapist (if you don’t mind me asking)? I agree it’s very important that she find the right fit and I really hope she finds her Dr Padgett!

Yeh Blaise Aguirre would be a blessing too! FD, good question. I'm in the UK we have the National Health Service. We pay through tax for this service and mental health service is sparse, is an understatement and there are waiting lists... if you are in crisis and lucky enough to get on one. My DD is very fortunate, we live in the capital and it happened that our local NHS hospital had a brilliant Mental Health Team together in 2015-17. There was a 12-month waiting list for DBT, 6 months in they squeezed funding to put in place skills group to’ bridge the gap’ for some crying out for help on the waiting list, my DD. After 11 months she started DBT for 14 months ending Sept 2017. Her therapist was male, he had 20 years plus experience. She was discharged as no longer considered high risk. There is no continuing care with the NHS apart from access to psychiatrist for meds. They did provide her the name of a charity and a network of low-cost therapists, some of whom are students. DD has just completed 20 weeks, once a week DBT skills refresh with the charity, this was cost free. She was lucky to gain that as they focus on under 30 yrs, she'd just turned 30.
The positive is my DD now knows how the NHS mental health service works, she's a safety plan, can reach out if in crisis anytime in the future. Meanwhile, she needs to take her next step, find a therapist, engage in Schema or Mentalisation therapy as suggested by the Head of MH in 2015; start with DBT and take it from there. As DD has been discharged from the NHS, the next steps are at cost to us. At the moment she’s on disability benefit (currently being reassessed) where she’d likely gain a reduced rate with some private health providers. When back at work it’ll be full private care costs.

It is wonderful Huat we are all here together. I have one of your first posts pinned on the bpdfamily noticeboard in the kitchen[/b].

I have worked hard to get to "acceptance" of what is... .IS.  I am confident in knowing I have done the best I could have done with her and I am confident in knowing that when I knew better I did better.  

This is what I wish for my DD, thanks for your gift.  

WDx