Crisis for years, now ultimately about to be all for nothing

[bablefish]

 

I've been researching for so long, and my wife has othello syndrome, a symptom of BPD, a fact I recently learned.  I started reading stop walking on eggshells and it is hitting on all counts.
My wife has visual and auditory hallucination that including hearing voices,  clicks that instantly cause her to be near a rage that she believes is done sort of electric device (implanted?} that I use to cheat on her... .Which I have never done in any fashion.  She and I both came from abusive marriages, her worse... .But she is convinced, despite showing her video proof of her dellusion, that I'm cheating...   I've given up everything, including being compelling isolated, we are both disabled and together 24/7 other than a hair cut for an hour, which I'm accused of seeing some girl... It is awful, always after she goes to sleep.  I spend the day convincing her otherwise and by the evening things are back to normal, or at least that was the case for the last few years... She has been seeing psychologist and kept changing meds, but she is an invisible high functioning and has her therapist convinced I am the problem and I'm banned from being involved...    I was able to get her off meds that were making othello syndrome worse...  

I got her to admit to her pcp about the othello, and she is too see a neropsycoligyst at the end of March, but I just found out she is seeing a divorce attorney today at 1pm...    We had an agreement to go through this assessment, try getting her help, and try seperation first if necessary...   But she has always been impatient.   

I'm at a loss...   I've done so much wrong trying to keep things working as best I could,.   The problem is the othello complicates everything... Any time spent apart her mind makes up stories that are untrue that I then have to prove my innocence... So I could never do anything for myself.   It has been dangerous for me at times, as she has ptsd from her former relationship, where she imagined my face on her ex body and relived her past,  luckily she remembered after the fact, but it nearly turned into a legal situation years ago...

What do I do?   I'm fuc@ing lost.  Don't want to lose a 25 year friendship, 5 year marriage over a delusion /lie that might be able to be addressed.   

I finally thought we were making progress only to find myself screwed... Again.  Fuc"

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[Purplex]

Hi bablefish and

It sounds like you went through a lot and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to try your best for years and still be accused without any justification and presented with a fait accompli. I am glad you reached out, it is so important to not only care for our partners but for ourselves as well.
I had to look up othello syndrome, but you are right, psychotic symptomes like that can sometimes be connected to BPD. Since you are already reading stop walking on egshells, you might also want to take a look at the information and tools on top of this page to get an even better understanding of what you are dealing with. It also helps to see that there are strategies we can use to change the dynamics in our relationships. Maybe read through other threads as well, I am sure you will find stories you can relate to. Sharing with others and knowing you are not alone can be a big relief in itself. You can't control her behavior but you can make a change on you side of the equation.
Is this the first time your wife is considering divorce?
How did the appointment with the divorce attorney go? Did she tell you about it?