Do I have BPD too?

[kylie34]

Hello. I’ve posted a couple times here before.  Over the last few years, my relationship with my uBPD mother has deteriorated and it has caused me a lot of mental distress. I’ve been in and out of therapy for years, mostly for figuring out how to cope with my relationship with my uBPD  and also to work on my trust issues.

 For background, I worked with a therapist that attempted to conduct group therapy between my mother, my father and myself. She referred me to a separate therapist but advised her that she believed my mother was BPD. Another therapist also suggested my mother had BPD based on my testimony.

Back to me. Bottom line, I’m afraid I have BPD too. I have severe trust issues, intense abandonment fears, and low self-confidence. I go through many periods where I feel empty and worthless. I don’t feel like I add anything to any of my relationships, nor that I am not good at anything. I get into some really sad funks, and I just feel miserable.  On top of that, my anxiety increases and I have developed panic attacks over the last 5 years or so. I feel like I’m just going through the motions in life. But then when I have a good period, I feel fine. I wouldn’t say it’s manic, because the highs are not intense. I just feel…normal.

To make things worse, I am in a committed relationship, and I think I’m destroying it. When I am feeling calm and rational, I know that my fiancé is a good man, loyal, trustworthy and loves me deeply and only wants the best for me. But then I go into these periods of paranoia and irrationality. He becomes the enemy. I can’t trust him. I think he is selfish and doesn’t care. One example of a trigger is when he has to go away on business. I literally start freaking out as soon as I find out he’s going. My mind goes to ugly places. "He’s going to have an affair." "He’s taking this trip on purpose to get away from me."  And if he decides to somehow extend the trip a day or so to do some sightseeing, I take it personally. "He is in no rush to come home." "He’s taking a vacation away from me." I convince myself of this out of thin air and then when he is away, I am on pins and needles worrying about it. If he doesn’t text by a certain time, I start wondering why. If he texts but doesn’t want to talk on the phone or FaceTime, I think he’s avoiding me. I am completely disgusted with myself over these thoughts and I am ashamed to even put it out here. It is very insecure and controlling. But it’s like I can’t stop them. Then any little thing sets me off and I rage.

I feel like I spiral more than ever. I was never  like this in any relationship. When I’m spiraling, I feel like I lose control. I want to throw and punch things. I want to hurt myself. I yell. I curse. I say awful things. [u]I act exactly like my mother.[/u]

This relationship for some reason has awakened really intense fears of abandonment and infidelity. I want to be clear that my fiance has not given me a single concrete or even iffy shred of evidence that he has cheated or would cheat. He’s just not like that and he has a sensitive job so it actually would not be smart of him to do something like that. But I can’t shake it.

I’m freaked out and I’m afraid I have BPD too. The thought of it terrifies me and I cannot imagine continuing living like this. To make it worse, I barely have time to get help right now. I’m finishing law school, working, and preparing for the upcoming bar exam. My only day off consists of taking care of housework and spending quality time with my fiancé. Trying to find time to get help will just stress me out too. I know the right thing to do is to carve out time.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Is it possible I’ve just learned behaviors and fears because of my experiences?

[Harri]

Hi Kylie.  Yes, I have experienced similar.  Fear of abandonment is high as is anxiety.  I used to feel empty inside and sometimes still feel like something is missing.  I do not have BPD but I am diagnosed with PTSD.  Actually it is complex- PTSD and a lot of the behaviors and symptoms of it are similar to BPD.  That was a hard pill to swallow.  What helped was knowing that no matter the label it was up to me to change and get help and make sure I heal.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of stress going on so it makes sense to me that these fears and behaviors will be coming out more now.  Also, the closer we feel to someone, the more vulnerable we are, the more the behaviors will show.  Believe me, I am not trying to minimize your experience here.  Rather to let you know you are not alone.  Even if you do have BPD what is in a label?  My mom raged and so have I.  So?  Some people do not but rather direct their anger inward... .and that too could be a sign of BPD.  Avoidance of emotions, especially tough emotions while being in a vulnerable position is a symptom of both disorders... .and a few others.  As is fear of abandonment.  As is feeling empty.  

As read here you will find plenty of us who talk openly about some of these issues.  We are every where even on the other boards.  So we work to heal as we can and when we can and we learn better ways of being.

Having said all that, I really do get the fear.  The feeling of oh no, I don't want to be like her!  

I’m freaked out and I’m afraid I have BPD too. The thought of it terrifies me and I cannot imagine continuing living like this. To make it worse, I barely have time to get help right now. I’m finishing law school, working, and preparing for the upcoming bar exam. My only day off consists of taking care of housework and spending quality time with my fiancé. Trying to find time to get help will just stress me out too. I know the right thing to do is to carve out time.

Until you are ready to really pursue professional help, you can post and read here.  We can support you and help you work through some of your fear at the least.  

Are you familiar with the work of Pete Walker?  He has some excellent articles on his site pete-walker.com that you might find helpful to read through as well.  In the meantime, keep reaching out to us.  We get it and and we've got your back.

 

[Panda39]

kylie,

I think that you having the self-awareness to ask the question, the fact that you are/have been actively seeking help through therapy, and have reached out here make it unlikely you have BPD.

What I want to remind you is that we all learn things from our parents (environment).

My SO's daughters have an uBPDmom and both girls have learned dysfunctional behaviors from their mom, just like they have learned some good things from their mom.  I don't have a BPD mom and have learned dysfunctional behaviors from her along with good behaviors.

It sounds to me like your life is pretty overwhelming at the moment.  When mine gets that way I can get into a funk, behaving not my best because I'm stressed or exhausted, feeling like I'm not getting enough help and becoming resentful, and I can even get "hangry" hungry-angry when I haven't eaten. 

So what I'm getting at is don't beat yourself up. Try and squeeze in a little more down time (I can hear you thinking... .what the  is this Panda talking about I don't have one minute to spare! Did she not just read my post! ).  Maybe go to brunch on Saturday with your boyfriend and relax/reconnect for an hour, have some good food, and then start your day.  While your there ask him to help you with one thing... .do the laundry, vacuum, pick up something at the store.  Get him to take something off your plate.  You will appreciate him more, and you have one less thing to do.

I'm glad you decided to pop in here, keep doing it when you need to.
Hang in there,
Panda39

[zachira]

I have often asked myself do I have BPD and NPD like my mother and siblings? Panda39 has really explained better than I can that the fact that you have self awareness about this, and are asking this question means you do not have it. We do have behaviors that are unhealthy that we learn from being around family members with BPD, yet we are unlike our family members because we have the capacity to change and adapt to new situations, whereas our family members with personality disorders will likely stay the same and get worse with age, though some times small changes are possible.

[Skip]

"if you have self awareness about this, and are asking this question means you do not have it."

While I have see this written many times, I don't know of any science to suggest that it is true. People with depression, personality disorders, bipolar, etc. are not insane - they often know something is off.

I think the most important perspective is to not view BPD (or having BPD traits) with fear. BPD is a cluster of symptoms that are clustered for the purpose of helping people struggling emotionally. If you are struggling emotionally, finding the cause is helpful because it opens the door to getting help with the very things you are concerned with.

It's also important to know that personaity diorders are heritable... .if family members suffer, our likelyhood of have traits is higher that normal.

That said, the symptoms you mention could be a lot of things and it is important for us to know that the problems can be caused by a broad range of things that look a lot a like:

    immaturity,
    short term mental illness (e.g., depression),
    substance induced illness (e.g., alcoholism),
    a mood disorder (e.g., bipolar),
    an anxiety disorder (e.g., PTSD),
    a personality disorder (e.g., BPD, NPD, 8 others),
    a neurodevelopmental disorder (e.g., ADHD, Aspergers), or
    any combination of the above (i.e., co-morbidity).

This article may help:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

Everyone here, all 110,000 of us are struggling with something. That's what we are here... .to find ways to make our lives better.

So what is going on in your relationship?

[zachira]

Skip,
You are correct. We clearly cannot diagnose or not diagnose someone unless we are a mental healthy professional who has actually evaluated the person and have the qualifications and ability to do so.

[chronsweet]

I struggle with abandonment issues very intensely.  I get the same types of feelings when my boyfriend wants to go and do things.  I feel abandoned even though I have been invited to go do the things he is.  I simply do not like his 'hobbies' as much as he does.  His hobby takes him away every few weeks for several nights on the weekend.  I am not afraid he is cheating.  I am not afraid he wants to get away from me as he tells me that I am welcome to come and that he WANTS me to go with him.  He brings  my son with him to enjoy the hobby.  I am okay with being alone for the 1st night (Friday) and Saturday.  But when it comes close to him coming home on Sunday, I go into a panic.  I get really triggered by abandonment.

When I recall my other relationships, I can remember having these same intense feelings of abandonment. 

I often struggle too with thinking that I am 'like my uBPDmom'.  But when I truly think about it, I really feel like I am too rational and care what people think too much to be BPD.  I am very forgiving.  I apologize for my actions.  I care how my actions affect other people.  I cannot stand the thought of hurting people's feelings.  I help people out more than I should.  Almost everyone who knows me tells me how caring and giving I am.  I have been told I have a tender heart and soul more times than I can remember and most importantly I FEEL like I have a tender heart and soul.

I think as others have said that being raised by someone with BPD, especially uBPD, means that we have been raised with BPD traits.  When I rationally think about why I have abandonment issues, it is clear and obvious.  My entire life, I have been discounted (my feelings and thoughts), I was made to be an extension of someone else (my mom), I have been disinherited and told that I am no longer my mother's daughter more times than I can remember.  At this point, I can only remember it happening, I cannot even recall past events to where I have been thrown out, tossed aside.  I have never ever had my mother apologize to me for hurting me, not once.  So, I wonder WHY I feel abandonment issues.  I do talk to my bf about why I feel the way I do.  I let him know where I am coming from and why when he doesn't come home on time, what it does to me.  I am aware of the feelings and have been working very hard to overcome them.  It is a lot of hard work.  I used to feel ashamed after an abadonment episode was triggered in me, but I have been working more on identifying why I am feeling like I am feeling.  Now that I know where it is coming from, it is easier to deal with.  Hard work, yes.  But doable.

I think that being raised by someone with BPD is bound to bestow on children dysfunction.  How could it be any other way?

Just my .02.

[Skip]

I do talk to my bf about why I feel the way I do.  I let him know where I am coming from and why when he doesn't come home on time, what it does to me.  I am aware of the feelings and have been working very hard to overcome them.  It is a lot of hard work.  I used to feel ashamed after an abadonment episode was triggered in me, but I have been working more on identifying why I am feeling like I am feeling.  Now that I know where it is coming from, it is easier to deal with.  Hard work, yes.  But doable.

You're an inspiration!

[chronsweet]

Skip,

Thanks for the compliment.

I have internalized these struggles for many years.  I own my part of my abandonment issues.  Knowing where they come from and why I have them really helps. 

I truly am a work in progress.  Luckily I was equipped with a rational brain.