Possible to explain emotional abuse of pwBPD to friends and family?

[Depression = 72% of members]

When the gaslighting, blame shifting, projection, silent treatment, and other generally crazy making behavior is almost always behind closed doors, is it possible for anybody who hasn't lived it to understand what it's like?

I appreciate all opinions,

Barnabus

[Barnabus]

When the gaslighting, blame shifting, projection, silent treatment, and other generally crazy making behavior is almost always behind closed doors, is it possible for anybody who hasn't lived it to understand what it's like?

I appreciate all opinions,

Barnabus

[Panda39]

To me it would depend on the experiences of the people you are talking to.

(Remember you don't necessarily know what goes on behind their closed doors either... .in another post someone put a Ted talk on that Dolph Lundgren did where he talks about his childhood abuse... .I had no idea!)

Some people may not get it and others might.  If someone isn't fully getting it but wants to you might give them some articles to read as a way to learn more.

My office experienced a Narcissistic Boss for 2 years and one of my friends was really taking things personally so I gave her some information on Narcissism and she was finally able to see that none of what was going on was actually about her.

The other thing to think about here is Triangulation... .why do you want to share?  To get it off your chest, validation, to get people on your side... .?

Panda39

[Barnabus]

Mainly because she has painted herself as this poor helpless victim and others tend to believe her story. Her public persona is a sweet Christian lady. All I want is for people to not necessarily be on "my side", just to understand there are two sides to every story, and not look at me as the "villain".

[Baglady]

Hi Barnabus,
I've been lurking a while but this is one of my biggest issues also when coming to terms with detaching and moving on with my life (long story short - Nov 2017 - my exunBPDh had a huge weeks long psychotic break involving days and nights long rages, splitting, gas lighting, projection etc. with some DV thrown into the mix.  He walked (stomped!) out of our marriage of 21 years (27 year relationship).  His family were my family for almost 30 years.  We were all blindsided by his breakdown although in hindsight, I experienced almost all the signs of BPD throughout our marriage).

I've lost many friends over his actions - they believe his tale of woe 100% - but I've found many friends (after a stretch of time) are winding their way back to me slowly.  His family are mixed.  They are trying to be supportive of me but I recognize that blood is thicker than water at the end of the day.

This nightmare been a huge test of my faith and trust in other people.  It is sad to recognize that not all people are loving and loyal all of the time.  It's also surprising to see who is in your corner when everything shakes out at the end of the day.  It's a real test of character and some people proved to be deeply disappointing in this regard while others more than stepped up to the plate.

I have to try to let go of how people misperceive me through this whole event.  I'm finding it very, very difficult and it is yet another hurt on top of a lot of existing trauma that I have to work through.

The people who stood by me though (and most of the people on this site)... .I'd walk through fire for all and any of them!

Hang in there 
Warmly,
B

[Barnabus]

Wow Baglady. I really appreciate your response and what you have to say. It's so sad that so many family members, rather than just trying to love us through whatever issue we have, just pick a "side" and one is 100% right and the other is 100% wrong. I don't get it, especially when many of these people are professing Christians.

I have told my kids to just try to love both of us as we try to deal with the unpleasant issues of divorce after now 40 years. Unfortunately, nobody has even the slightest clue as to what this has been like for the last 15 years, but like you said, really for the entirety of the marriage. They also don't believe that emotional abuse and/or mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual abandonment/desertion are Biblical grounds for divorce.

People tell me that time is a healer and I think that is true in many aspects. My uBPDw seems like all she does is get more intensely mean the longer it goes.

You are right about some of your friends - I have some friends that have been incredibly supportive of me, others really judgmental of me. That hurts, but others have told me that people who are my true friends will be my true friends. I do believe that.

For me, my relationship with my Lord and my love for my kids and grandkids have been the only things that have allowed me to survive.

Thanks for your kind and encouraging words!

Barnabus

[Panda39]

Mainly because she has painted herself as this poor helpless victim and others tend to believe her story. Her public persona is a sweet Christian lady. All I want is for people to not necessarily be on "my side", just to understand there are two sides to every story, and not look at me as the "villain".

I asked about Triangulation, just so you would think about it... .sometimes it's good to pause and think about our own motivations (no judging here  .

My SO also went through this particularly as he and his uBPDwife divorced.  As Baglady says it is painful to have people that you thought were your friends, picking sides and not all of them picking yours. You want to defend yourself, that makes total sense.  But what if they still see you as the villain any way? Do you want the people that believe the lies as your friends... .are they your friends?  I also think that family will typically circle their wagons around their own family member.

It was interesting how it shook out for my SO... .The people that were closest to him stuck with him, some people initially sided with the wife but as the divorce process went on and more of her dysfunction surfaced (under stress she showed more) they moved back towards my SO, and then there was the third group that stuck with his ex (typically until she turned on them in someway).  She no longer has any of the friendships she had at the time of the divorce .  I should also note that separating himself from his wife allowed my SO to see not only dysfunction in their relationship but also dysfunction in some of the friendships they had as a couple.

Remember JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) if you JADE what is likely to happen?

Panda39

[zachira]

You would like to know if it is possible to explain emotional abuse of pwBPD to friends and family. My experience is that in the long run we come out smelling like a rose for many people when we don't talk badly about others. Talking badly about others, can come across as trying to manipulate another person's feelings about the other, and can be a form of disrespect, that we don't believe this person is smart enough to see things on their own. There are exceptions to this rule when we need to warn another person about someone who is really dangerous, like a pedophile. There will always be people who will be taken in by the bad things they hear about another. There will be people who will believe the lies for a while then will see with time more of what is actually going on. There are people like relatives who feel they have to appear to take the side of the person who is telling  the lies for different reasons, one of them being family loyalty. Then there are people who get what is going on from the very beginning, though they may not want to say so.

[Barnabus]

Thanks for the comments.

I have from the beginning tried not to talk badly about her. I have had a few occasions with close friends who wanted to know the real story so I shared that. I decided that no matter what I would try my best not to try to turn her into some kind of monster. I really believe she has mental issues. The interesting thing about BPD and NDP is that their very nature keeps them from thinking anything could be wrong with them so they rarely seek help. Sad.

[zachira]

It does make sense to share with some of your close friends what is going on with your pwBPD and you are doing it in the right way by showing compassion for your pwBPD.

[Baglady]

I guess I'd like to say that I really don't think I'm speaking badly about my exBPDh to anyone.  I'm just telling the flat out plain truth about the breakup - I'm honestly not gonna gloss over the DV and raging.  I want my friends to understand how traumatic the breakup of my marriage was and why it's taking me to so long to recover from it and why I can't be one of those friendly divorcees who can go to my son's events with my ex and act like everything is "okie dokie" between us.  I still can't stand to be in the room with my ex because his presence is so traumatizing to me.  I do go out of my way to avoid contact with him still because I'm such a trigger for his rage.  I don't want to confuse the heck out of my friends when they wonder why I back out of school events for my son at the last minute to avoid my ex. My son sadly gets the situation and he understands although it's really awkward at times.  I'm the ultimate peacemaker too so my behavior in avoiding my ex is really incongruent for me.

If I tell the truth and the truth reflects badly on him - that's really not my problem I think.
Warmly,
B

[blueblue12]

Barnabus, it’s hard. I find that only some selected friends and a family member who went through a similar relationship really get it. I had to support an abusive last year with my ex wife, which I didn’t really understand it as abuse at the time, as she had me completely convinced the demise of our time together, ten years, was all my fault. My T who has been amazing has enlightened me not only to bpb, I was clueless had never heard of that , but also to what I went through and he called it ‘abuse’. I had no idea, nor was I looking at it like that, after all she had me convinced there was something wrong with me, “too controlling, insecure, etc.” In the last year together which was awful, she would give me complete silent treatment, all day long. Then would organise a dinner at home with friends where I would cook and entertain and she would act charming, friendly, as if nothing was going on, and we were by then breaking up, selling the house and all that goes along with that! Crazy stuff.

[Hopefulgirl]

I eventually went through the internet and found articles on websites (such as this one) and printed it out on paper so the people closest to me could actually read it and get some kind of feeling of what I was going through.  But as others have said, I don't think someone truly knows what a relationship with a pwBPD is like unless you've lived it.  His friends just think he is a quirky, funny, laid back, down to earth, cutie.  So they are defensive of him. Being casual friends with a pwBPD and being in a deep romantic relationship with one can be TOTALLY different.

If someone is your true friend they will see what this toxic person is doing to you and have empathy and compassion.   It probably took a long time to make sense of everything yourself, but others will just perhaps never GET it.  I used to get so defensive in explaining things to people I would literally cry to find the words.
I have not told everything about him because in a way I'm still trying to protect his feelings, his reputation. I could never be honest to his friends and family about his treatment of me. That is best.  I will only speak up if it ever comes to having to defend myself.

[babyoctopus]

I am late in answering, but I have been evaluating my situation in this regard a lot lately. I say No. It is just not a good idea to share and expect people to get it. On many levels.

Friends, even the ones who remained My friends after the split, couldn't understand why I stayed a as long as I did (23 years). The often would cut me off and say thing like, Well, its over now, you could get on with your life. They just didn't get how hard it is to come to terms with, to heal from, and to move on from.  I am not done healing after almost 2 years after the split. In many ways leaving was just the beginning.

The bottom line is, for me, the only people with whom I've had any kind of meaningful exchange about what I've been through has been individuals who experienced a NPD or BPD relationship. Not even my therapists "got" it.

In a way, I'm glad to know this now,  I keep to myself about him and our relationship, because as with all things involving my ex-BPD, he has a keen spidey-sense and probably would have found a way to make people open up to him, and turn my words against me to continue to hurt me. The less he knows or hears, about my life, is an blessing to me.

[cj488]

Like so many of us here I was in great anguish (and partial joy) over the end of the relationship with my untreated BPD girlfriend. Although everyone gave me an ear at first, I discovered I was wasting my breath with those who didn't understand what BPD was and how it manifests, and I risked losing their friendship the more I moped and whined. My one friend whose ex-wife was BPD was the only one who understood what I was talking about. Even professional therapists often do not understand what BPD is, and sometimes do not believe it even exists, or that it is just some kind of "made up" disorder to explain difficult behavior. It is a very specific disorder with specific traits - I memorized these, so I could list them, and then I left it at that. It's nearly impossible to understand if one hasn't been intimately involved. Choose wisely who you confide in was my discovery.

[Boll2017]

This is truly a balancing act.   It is a real problem. I sensed I reached saturation with my brother.  So I pulled back on the sharing.  Fortunately he is still very welcoming. 

I have a good therapist who understands BPD.  That is a lifesaver for me. 

[Barnabus]

I think I need to find a T that understands BPD and NPD. Maybe they could help me understand how to deal with my kids at least.

Thanks for the input!

B

[Panda39]

You, might want to post on the co-parenting board for strategies on talking with your kids. Are you feeling that parental alienation is going on or is the question more how or if to share your story?  Your idea of a Therapy visit is a good one, my SO was able to get some good ideas and support from his.

Link to the Co-parenting Board...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

Take Care,
Panda39

[Barnabus]

Panda, my kids are all adults.

B