Trying to see a bigger picture, I feel anger.

[Sandb2015]

As I feel I'm getting clearer, better, pulling the microscope away and trying to see a bigger picture, I feel anger.

I know it's natural and I have to accept this feeling for what it is in of itself.

I see my love, we text, we have quiet times, she makes me feel irrelevant at times by not responding and I deal with the obsession of projection and negativity better and better.  I used to think I could think what she was thinking as I cry in my car on the way to work which was I was nothing, a memory she's trying to erase as cruelly as possible with malice.

That would be after having a great facetime conversation, spending a day together, connecting...etc. (something very positive and meaningful, more than a flash).

What was the feeling I used to have, pain, anxiety and fear.  That was after enjoying connecting. I would immediately feel the loss after something good, great.

Now it's so much less, I'm working hard on that, I just have anger creep in at times as though she is purposely causing pain or the absence of that great feeling of connecting.

I am projecting absolute indifference by her and it's causing this anger at times and thoughts of non-violent revenge which I start feeling crappy about...

That anger is a fog that creeps in and really clouds things causing more confusion.

If we don't connect today, does it matter for a lifetime?
If we do connect today in person or text or phone in a nice positive way, is it the end of the world when it ends, phone call, texts, time together?

If she met someone for a few weeks, months and it's the disaster it's bound to be, does that matter for a lifetime together, no.  This is some difficult stuff to have to swallow, I know before I can either do it or not, if not, there's no purpose to going one second further.  I have to be ok with things while setting a boundary or at least knowing what they are. As I get gain emotional intelligence, healthier ideas of myself and relationships, the binoculars are being turned around.


At one point, I could almost count the seconds after being apart as the greatest loss I could ever endure with endless panic, now I try to see it as a journey with longevity that I feel positive about with very necessary plans of change.

I know I'm a good guy and I have pride in that which is something my love resented, she hated that I have a kind and social spirit that's considerate and understanding, a great big heart.  She hated how her family and friends gravitated towards me in a sincere way, not so much with her.  She made me believe I was acting and it was all a superficial ruse to be liked...I liked to be liked, true, but I am sincere as hell. What BS, she was just projecting on me all the things on me, clear as a bell now, I accept her  and I love her, nothing personal, I took everything so personally.  She's the "not so nice lady at the makeup counter in Bloomies" wanting attention, complaining, getting attention and treating the person like a serf.  I'm the nice person, courteous, grateful, appreciative guy that gets attention, extra swag, puts a smile on the persons face and negates the negative experience my love gives a counter person.

I tried to explain how to treat people no matter where or how to get the best result, also with her job and it all got regurgitated back on ME all the time saying I'm fake, superficial, a 2 bit actor, grand manipulator...I started thinking she was right...now I just see that she didn't have the empathy needed to treat people as equals...she compensated as a child would.

I feel free to some great extent as now I don't hang on her every word, take things she says personally, just listen to the emotion--just listen to the emotion--just listen to the emotion and validate----------repeat after me...

Don't many of us have a little healthy envy when another has qualities or characteristics we know we don't have and wished we possessed?  Yes, a pwBPD is the hungry bear smelling blood compared to the puppy being offered a treat emotionally expression-wise.

I am that guy and I'm real and that is real and I am proud of who I am and of course some changes need to be made, look where I'm pouring my heart and soul out...

I am that good guy that is allowed to think angry things, not act on them.

Confucius says, "before setting out for revenge, one must dig two graves".


Like a wronged child, my anger is based on that hurt and angry child that lives inside that needs some real attention...yuck.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Circle]

Great post.
You are really getting in touch with your feelings and process in this situation.
Awesome to see that you are using it as a growing experience.
I do remember realizing some of the same things in BPD relations.
Realizing that I am a good person and will be loved by others (and myself).
I think with you being male, so much emphasis gets placed on acceptance or rejection by a 'beautiful female.'
When we step back and take a look, we can realize that seemingly beautiful females are really not any more special than a guy.
Anyhow, that is not exactly what your story revolves around, yet it is true.
Good to hear that you are bringing this situation back to yourself.
That she is becoming somewhat less of the point at which you orbit.
The farther we get from these individuals, mentally and emotionally, the more we are able to see them clearly.
And the less magnetic it all seems.
Good work doing the work!

[Sandb2015]

Thanks Circle,

I am getting in touch with myself and confronting the hell out of the things my heart and mind don't.

Do be honest, I never had the "beautiful woman acceptance, rejection thing", I never idolized beauty as a social atheistic.

We all have our ideas, I never sought the "beauty", pretty, attractive, are all subjective and complex.

My love is not so beautiful, not so "this and that" and I can honestly distinguish what the "norms" are.  She does not stand out in a crowd at all.  I value how I see her, not society or other men.

The fact is, she is beautiful to me because I accept her physical faults and imperfections, I see her and don't desire some notion of beauty as compared to other women.

Sorry to split hairs regarding "a beautiful woman", I really am not obsessed with or confused about aesthetics or semantics for that matter .

I am obsessing less with what I want or need from her, I can fill my own cup within myself.

I can actually see her more and more as an individual with her own wants and needs as opposed to what I want only and my projections (this is a tough one) of what I think she should have from me

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
Beauty is definitely subjective.
I am often attracted to people who would not be traditional or modern beauties.
It is my predisposition to seeing beauty where others don't that is part of what gets me into trouble.
We all see beauty in the quite blatantly flawed here I guess.
Yeah, good for you that you are starting to separate her needs and wants from yours.
That is an interesting point and something that I can fathom what you mean.
Amazing that people can meet in any middle ground with us all having different wants and needs.
I am a bit fried at the moment and don't have much more to offer, other than I read your post and appreciated it.
And yeah I don't think you are obsessed or confused about aesthetics or semantics; laughs.
Have a nice weekend.

[Hart_Payne]

Sandb2015

What you said was poetic and heart-felt. I've seen some of these feelings in me, the anger, the revenge, the sorrow. This is why mankind was not born with super human powers. Imagine the devastation that could happen if we reacted to our pain and could get away with it. You have mastered the balance of anger and reaction to that anger. Though I wish heat vision was an option.

The envy and projection that you've experienced is the BPD calling card. And nothing short of learning how to deal with their flaws in a positive way will help. I was hurt so deeply by the word and actions of a pwBPD which is enforced by parents that invalidated her with NPD ideas. You can imagine the barrel full of complexes that surfaced in her psyche.

I'm glad that I'm not alone with these feelings. I believe a good humor helps because I exhausted all the other emotions. Stump my toe, I laugh, Steal my car, I laugh. Bite my sandwich, I sneeze. Go figure.

Stay strong.

[Sandb2015]

Hello everyone,

I'm reading, thinking, learning every single day.

My anger is coming from the frustration of being in a limbo pattern.  Sometimes irrelevant (I don't think I can spend my life with you) to somewhat relevant, close conversations, meeting, sporating fooling around, and sexual intimacy.  We can sit in a place eating, picture diner and I scoot in to sit side by side in a booth and we enjoy, hold hands, act as a couple as if nothing went haywire (getting viciously kicked out 12/19).  A few days hardly ant response and than normal responses and contact.

While living together almost 3 years, together almost 4, the on/off wasn't as clear.  Now with all my tools cleaned and sharpened every day or so, the pattern is so much clearer.

She wants me, doesn't want me, states she's dating.  I can won't harbor resentment for now later if we find therapy together, I'm in T now and it helps.

She calls me reluctantly when there is a problem, latest is her son 17, car accident and 2 tickets, I tried to negotiate with the other party and did until my love got involved (hotheaded x 100) and screwed it up, must go through insurance, she just doesn't have any finesse regarding social interaction and concessions/flexibility, she'd throw the baby out with the bathwater than deal with a stressful situation that could be negotiated.  I found an attorney for the tkts and she almost blew that one as well.  I told her the consequences of him potentially losing his lic and the insurance premiums will skyrocket.  Traffic court trial is 4/2.

Another, car problems, she needed major work I could have done for 1/4 of the price, it was during a time when she didn't want to talk so she went on her own and got rooked, I had it corrected yesterday.  She is so grateful and does let her family and friends know I am there for her and her son, I don't know why when she had to defend herself to everyone after discarding me?  I like to and want to help, she isn't capable of doing things that take finesse and strategy to accomplish.

Anyway, we switched cars so I could fix hers had breakfast in a diner side-by-side and wonderful, brought the car to her home, she made me dinner, talked and was late, asked me to sleep over in another room stating clearly we wont sleep together.  I was tired, I did, couldn't sleep imagining she is chatting online with some guy or setting up a date 20 ft away.  I tossed and turned and just left quietly at 6:30am and went to star****s, sat in my car for an hour reading this site...

At 7:30 she calls, I didn't want to pick up even (healthy detachment) and I did after 3 calls, I was expecting some angry something about regretting having me over or feeling obligated to mefor having to count on me.

He call was to come back please and I hesitated, only 5 min away, again, just come back, you don't need to be at work for hours.  I did, straight to the bedroom to cuddle, some intimacy, no penetration (same as the last 3 times), she shakes her head and gets teary eyed stating we aren't "together anymore".  I fear asking if she is having sex with someone, I don't know what I'll do.  I will forgive eventually, on the spot, I would have to be exremely mindfull, my mind is working on me and it sucks.

We spend the next 2 hours holding, talking, cuddling, fooling around and I leave, everything was nice and I should have just enjoyed feeling good about how I helped and I did, but leaving, I started getting negative about everything and forgetting the good moments.

I'm frustrated, in limbo, I'm getting stronger every day and her "cycle" of push/pull is becoming more consistent, I am not as hurt, fogged, confused as i was a month or so ago.

Soon enough, I think she will make some movement closer or further away and at some point, as I am getting better across the board except money, I am detaching with love and waiting for the time to have a talk about what we are.

Anger, frustration and negativity comes in much smaller waves lasting  a short time.  A month ago I would run, now I wait, hesitate, don't answer calls or texts so quickly, not as manipulation or a result, it comes from inside.

I can live like this in limbo, but the necessary waves of yuckiness is something to contend with until...

I must be self aware and try to analyze each confused feeling so my head stays fog free.

The anger has a beginning and I have to find it each time along with every other "unhalthy" feeling.

[Sandb2015]

Time will tell if she will come to an extremely negative conclusion (she did that several times before and here we are again) or a positive one which is getting help (NOT HAPPENING), having a consistancy where I can talk about us.

Me:  I will eventually bring it up and deal with the realistic consequences.

I sit here better now, Thank you bpdfamily and everyone here.

I love her realistically, whole lot less codependency and I see her as I've never seen an individual.

I want her for my life, forever...I want ME for my life forever also.

[Sandb2015]

 

Some days I reach out and get some niceness, facetime and a smile, other times a disconnect which starts my negative thinking.  Getting caught up in some of the stories here doesn't help.

I am the one that's always initiating...and I'm wondering if I should just stop.  Sometimes I just want some attention------a simple text and a reply, nothing serious.

I send a good morning text (have a great day), some simple afternoon texts (how's your day?) and good night texts (have a good night, sleep well or facetime).

3/7 when I slept over in the other bedroom and didn't feel comfortable, I didn't belong there and I just wanted to go, I left early about 6:30 quietly and went to a coffee shop in the area to kill time a few hours before being expected at work and she called me several times at 7:30 asking frantically where I was and come back and what the hell am I doing.  I hesitated but went anyway.  This time she wants to cuddle, nap, fool around etc.

I feel abandoned at times and I feel like I'm setting myself up some days and testing my resolve on others.  Today I'm just not getting a grip and using everything I got including a zanax which isn't working today, other days yes, today no.  I'm letting negative thinking take over, paranoia.  I think she may be dating and it's driving me up the wall as well as the overall picture of what is happening with the push/pull.  My most wonderful, wise and wholehearted aunt says I'm letting her dictate the terms of this rs and it will stay that way until...

I want to drive by her home an hour away after work tonight and see if her bedroom light is on, it's perpetually on when home, off when not.  I know I'm feeding a monster inside and I want to know if she is out, I know if she's out, she's on a date, she is normally a homebody and so am I.  I feel like if she is, I will know something and I won't sleep tonight, I won't sleep anyway. 

I think I'll wake up tomorrow having a different perspective...today sucks.

Today is not good for my mind.

The question is...

Should I stop initiating?

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
Only you can decide that.
And if you want to keep living in this way.
Are you happy with this life involving her?
When it is good, it is _________.
When it is bad, it is __________.
What would happen if you were to begin taking steps to seperate?

[Sandb2015]

Circle,

I'm not happy feeling this up and down-push pull-connected/disconnected thing.

I have taken my own steps to detach myself in a healthy way, kind of letting go and letting her be her for now while we still interact, finding my own base and trying to zoom out with me being the focus.

When it's good, it's genuine and great and mutually good. I just can't enjoy for long with my negative thinking.

When it's bad, I should turn off and ignore while I pay attention to myself.  She doesn't originate my feeling, It comes from my reaction to her behavior, words, attitude.  On good days, I don't react mentally or emotionally, some days back to almost where I started.

We don't live together.  We are physically separate until we get together.

I have given thoughts of separating and I do it not to deal with the suffering that comes up, lazy.

I want to play this out...I think I am confused, emotionally confused when I can't get a grip.  It feels so good when I do get a grip, I feel strong, emotionally strong.

I keep educating myself every way I can.  I totally suspect a mix of BPD/NPD now and the more I read, here and elsewhere, it just gets frustrating and dark.

[Sandb2015]

Circle...

I think I need to stop initiating, not NC.  If she doesn't initiate and I touch base sometimes, that would be ok.  I have to read between the lines interacting with her most of the times and sometimes I get stuck in my pain and I just can't have the clarity that comes at times with consistency.

I'm afraid.---------no obligation, no guilt at all.  I did the best for her and still am.

I think if I just stop reaching out, it will stay that way.  I can't control what she will do, feel or perhaps move on.

Because I now know the mix of BPD/NPD she exhibits/exibited, I can't have any indicator of what she will or won't do.

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
I always feel like you have a lot of insight when I read your stuff.
True that she does not originate your feeling.
Yet it would be denial to say that we are not interconnected with others.
She and you are still interconnected.
I can imagine your struggle.

I went through the same thing for four years.
In the end, I used the strategy you are talking about.
Actually, reading the Stephen Mitchell translation of the Tao Te Ching helped me a lot.
I practiced letting go like you are mentioning.
I started to do that more, instead of controlling.
Eventually she cut me off.
Yet I was finally in the place where I was able to say 'okay, I am going to go with this and be cut off.'
It took a lot of time for me to get to that point.
And, I had to embrace my suffering that went with it.
I didn't use NC either, until she did for a year.
Then I used it as a fair method to shield myself, in return.

Only you know what you need to do.
You said "When it's bad, I should turn off and ignore while I pay attention to myself."
I think this seems like good thinking.

Understandable to feel afraid; it is scary stuff.
We can underestimate the danger of someone we love.

You also said "I have taken my own steps to detach myself in a healthy way, kind of letting go and letting her be her for now while we still interact, finding my own base and trying to zoom out with me being the focus."
This makes perfect sense. Good thinking...

Your process seems so solid.
It seems like you are realizing that you really have intuition about how to approach this.
For me it just wasn't worth the effort.

[Sandb2015]

Circle,

It's fear of losing her permanently (her choice) and my specific feeling of abandonment when she won't text me back, yesterday and today, I know I just need to chill, find my base, I need to embrace the abandonment and fear, she isn't causing it, It comes from me.

I want to overreact when she doesn't respond and I need to calm down because I just know I WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE if I start my neediness, attention seeking thing.  It's so hard to calm down, I try breathing exercises, mindfulness, many cigarettes (cardiologist approved under the circumstances OMG!)

My version of letting go is not putting pressure on her to text, to talk, that's healthy for me, but i'm just scared.  I love her and won't give up out of spite or difficulty.

The more I look, I see BPD/NPD and that makes me worry even more that I am already forgotten (abandonment issue again).

She has blocked/unblocked me before, sometimes asking her to unblock, sometimes doing it on her own.  It hasn't happened in many weeks.

Silent treatment, almost no reaction almost feels worse than NC. 

Giving her space means I'm giving myself space to heal, that seems almost impossible when I just need a little attention (neediness).

I'm 51 and have helped people in very difficult situations------breakups, financial, emotional, you name it and it felt great to have a real impact on people that I saw I could make a difference with and were so grateful, still are...I've been refereed to as an old soul, a sage etc.

Where is that mind, the emotional strength now for me to give myself?

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
I went through that waiting for a text or call anxiety.
God, its awful!
Hang in there with that.
Silent treatment is bad too.
At some point with silence, a flip can occur though, where you go 'F them!'

Yeah, you seem to be very, very loyal; an outstanding trait.
Have you looked into Enneagram types?
You may be a type six.
With the anxiety, ssri anti-depressants are helpful, and can be found through a primary care doctor.
There are also good cbd products that I found help anxiety, like cbd water and oil (and are not mind altering).
Those can be found through the internet and at stores now.

Yeah, I am the same way having helped people before also. It becomes a totally different scenario when we are the ones suffering.

You do realize that you are submitting yourself to this situation and subsequent emotional difficulty, right?
Do you believe that you would not be able to heal from the suffering?
What would you tell one of the people you have helped before, if you saw them going through this painful cycle of suffering?

It is great that you view giving her space as giving yourself space to heal. Yet seeing her does not seem to be having a lasting therapeutic effect on you. Because she also treats you terribly.

[Sandb2015]

Circle,

Thank you, I won't take a SSRI.

I will heal either way and I have envisioned both.

I would tell that person if I knew how they felt to endure, be positive until you can't take it anymore.  I would tell them that the pain is going to continue to some degree.

I'm not looking to end this, I could have done that a while ago with any words or actions, I'm not looking to bite back, serves no purpose, opposite effect.

Yes, a flip may happen and that's a window opening possibly, I don't know.

I hang on every damned minute, hour day sometimes and every minute lost is one I can't get back until I calm down.

I set myself up all the time, I send the text...I wait...I continue to send very simple texts.  Like sending a hand grenade over a wall without knowing who or what is there...

I have no idea what part of her disorder she is exhibiting right now and I'm trying to, I shouldn't.

I'm rolling with it...badly it seems.  My T is an ankle biter, I need a rabid pit bull.

I need to stop pushing, I need to stop the "smothering", my texts may be just that.  I don't have anxiety when I see her, I just start thinking too much when we part.

If she's drifting away, I can't do much, if she's just drifting around, I will try to as well.  She's an expert at not feeling, at least in my very strong opinion.  

[Sandb2015]

Another thing,

Anger, my least lingering emotion, I have so much trouble feeling the exact emotions that have me shaking and confused, in order to grasp it.  It has no place in positive thinking, I'm not "stuffing" it, I'm constantly in forgiving mode, that's me and I do it with my heart...I can't live any other way...if she is benefiting from it, it's my heart and it's cleansing for my own.

Does she deserve anger, sure, does she deserve wraith, of course, but she won't get it from me.

[FJM]

sandb2015 looks like therapy is helping you a lot.
If i were you i would stop initiating conversations (like a false NC).
Start doing things for you. I promise it gets better. Im in so much better place than 3 months ago when hell broke loose. Im fixed? Nope, but im hell of a lot better.
Go for little things. What would you like for dinner tonight? Well get it. It starts with things like that.
Let her make the calls, meanwhile be nice to you. It works.

[Sandb2015]

I write things on post-its and stick them to my rearview, sometimes they stay for a few days, sometimes after work I disagree or that feeling is gone.

I'm trying to get unstuck and chill...my imagination is world class and the thing that allows me to envision good, great things, projection of the positive, has a flip side that is the equivalent of licking a public restroom floor.

[Sandb2015]

Circle,

False NC?

If I give up, I'm doing it. 

I don't want to play games here, I won't do the tit for tat thing.

If I do that with all honesty, I'd be doing it to illicit some response or "cause a reaction".

I will do it if there is no glimmer and I won't look back.

[FJM]

sandb2015 well if you give up is good news. Theres a day when you wake up and you get really tired of the situation and you begin to let go. Hope youre close to that. Its good to be angry somedays, helps you to separate you from the BPD person and you need to go through that too. I insist, start to give you little joys to yourself even silly ones. It works.

[once removed]

Please do not encourage members on this board to leave their relationships. The " Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup" board is for members looking to solve specific relationship problems, to be coached on the use of relationship tools, and to examine their role in relationship conflict.

You can read more about the guidelines for the Bettering board under "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" or click here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.0

[Sandb2015]

Thank you FJM and thank you once removed,

FJM, I'm torn with my feelings and how to deal with them.  If in a year we can be together for life, I'm there, if in a month or two, same if we can get healthier (I will be at least).  What is keeping us apart exactly, I don't know.

I can deal with this, I can be me without losing me as I've done.  I can master the emotions that bring my head and body spinning, that's work and I'm not there yet.

I know you eluded to me giving-up, I know you are giving a heartfelt opinion, I appreciate it.  I have lots of gas left...  

Once removed,

Thanks for catching this so fast, it won't effect me at all.  I can see myself on the other side if I must be, for now, on this side not sacrificing much, stressing a lot and being true to myself at the same time.

I just get frantic, stressed, ruminate and I'm doing it to MYSELF, it comes from me, it initiates in me with all my bs.  I need to really get a strong hold and I'll be good/better.



On a different note, I'm a 3rd gen American, caucasian and my love is from SK, different cultures have different ideas of an attractive person, she would hate that her friends would go on about me or my confidence was up there, not a flirty guy, high social skills and no pretense, kind and open.  She considers herself ugly with many ugly parts ( a huge birthmark on her shoulder she had lasered) without much result mostly because her mom would pick on her forever as a kid.  She constantly said I was a player earlier in life and I never was, you would use it against me in public if I caught someone's attention and DID NOT look back.  She is most hyper insecure person I ever came across and that was her doing it to herself and her imaginations of my younger days are over the top to paint me down at times.  I begged to see younger pictures and she never showed them, wouldn't even let her father bring them when he visited.  I had no problem showing my doofy, teeth missing, poor brown polyester suited class picture.

[Jimievs]

Wow reading this is intense ABIT like what I'm going through , the anxiety of not hearing then hearing and feeling a calm again, yet the reality that things aren't the same yet, the splitting of me

Is there something that would force your hand?

I found myself willing to do whatever it takes not to lose my partner, like I put in my post, but the resilience it takes for me to trust that she will be faithful in our time apart seems the biggest and scariest hurdle, and for me if she was unfaithful I couldn't hold out anymore

[Sandb2015]

Jimievs,

Force my hand?  I'm not sure what you mean.

As far as "faithful" is concerbed, It's what my nighmares are made of, no doubt.

We are not together, we are somewhat connected.

If she is running away and finding the need to move on to another guy, I can't change that, I either accept or not.

I have a post it on my rearview mirror today...

---Play the long game.  (Borrowed from Red5, he's around here somewhere).
---A lifetime with "B".
---Follow your heart and listen to it.

I'm not married, was a while ago and as far as I'm concerned, we are or were acting in that way.

She has had sex before me and to put it bluntly, if she is having sex with someone during our time apart and we can get back to a life together, it won't matter.  That is a probably the most bitter a pill (broken in a million pieces, taken one at a time) that can exist in a rs.  I'm jealous as F**k, sometimes lost in the thought and it absolutely consumes me with the anxiety and fear of losing her forever.

I force myself to imagine and either accept or not so I'm not just "going along" with this or blindsided later by resentment or anger.  If she is enjoying her time with someone new, I know it's short term and will end up disastrous, it's no consolation really, just something that comes up.

I feel abandoned from her and her son's every day life, so excluded when I feel forgotten, erased or she is trying so hard to put me a lifetime away and not feel what we had, have, maybe she had none of that. There is a mix of some truth here and a lot of negative projection.

Being an intricate part of their lives and getting validation for it at times, enough at times was so fulfilling and now (the last few days) I feel the cut and void.

I get stuck in the moment, this emotional, mental, spiritual and sometimes physical disaster stands still like time doesn't move, stuck.  That's when every idea turns to S**T.

When I'm not stuck, I feel my heart, the strength of my mind and spirit and distance myself from the "moment".  I'd like more of that because the picture of the whole is so much different.

[Sandb2015]

Sorry, another thing,

I could go dating, I could go get laid easy, I could do all of that easily in the physical sense.

I can't possibly do anything like that when I feel in love with B.

I have nothing to prove or throw in her face, what real satisfaction would I get by doing that.  The angry hurt child inside that I must comfort at times wants to be vindictive...that angry, mistreated, unloved child put me in this situation to begin with...I don't need to be him now anymore.

[Jimievs]

Oh I understand now... I meant was there a boundary that if crossed would mean you decided to no longer pursue this path, and allow yourself to heal a possibly find another path once in s healthier place, sometimes I feel there nothing I wouldn't go through to be back with my partner for life, but I realise there is a boundary, and if was crossed and i was to find myself with her again, I can only believe it would inevitably end in disaster, obviously I feel time frame apart  would have an impact, but as with my situation I there was and act of unfaithfulness in a physical form then I would have to remove myself for my own good

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked.

Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334886.0