Part 2: Trying to see a bigger picture, I feel anger.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Part 1 of this thread is here:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334475.0

Jimievs,

It's important to say we all have our own boundaries, I have mine and you have yours, these are very personal choices.

I have examined mine and it must make sense now and always.  My first thought is if this is going to destroy me if she is actually with someone else, will it destroy me now and slowly later if we can connect again?

If we can connect again, I can't hold things against her, we have to move forward to a healthy place.  I'm in it for the long haul as I am, I can't flip a coin on this and see how I feel about it later, I must exam it now and make peace NOW or not and stand my ground.

If this is the absolute end, it is what it is.

I don't project disaster if we can connect again, that's the only place the poison of my created negativity filled with MY fear, insecurity etc., won't go...

Imagine connecting, getting help and all of a sudden this "probably insignificant guy" during our break up starts to bother me...that will be a problem on top of a problem.  This is my outlook.

On the other hand, (X amount of extended time) of no contact or finding out she's still with the same guy, I will probably be singing a different tune.

To each his own...no judgement given-none accepted.


THIS IS SUCH A TOUGH TOPIC, ANOTHER SEX PARTNER! THINKING OF A LOVE MAKING LOVE WITH ANOTHER!

[Sandb2015]

Part 1 of this thread is here:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334475.0

Jimievs,

It's important to say we all have our own boundaries, I have mine and you have yours, these are very personal choices.

I have examined mine and it must make sense now and always.  My first thought is if this is going to destroy me if she is actually with someone else, will it destroy me now and slowly later if we can connect again?

If we can connect again, I can't hold things against her, we have to move forward to a healthy place.  I'm in it for the long haul as I am, I can't flip a coin on this and see how I feel about it later, I must exam it now and make peace NOW or not and stand my ground.

If this is the absolute end, it is what it is.

I don't project disaster if we can connect again, that's the only place the poison of my created negativity filled with MY fear, insecurity etc., won't go...

Imagine connecting, getting help and all of a sudden this "probably insignificant guy" during our break up starts to bother me...that will be a problem on top of a problem.  This is my outlook.

On the other hand, (X amount of extended time) of no contact or finding out she's still with the same guy, I will probably be singing a different tune.

To each his own...no judgement given-none accepted.


THIS IS SUCH A TOUGH TOPIC, ANOTHER SEX PARTNER! THINKING OF A LOVE MAKING LOVE WITH ANOTHER!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Circle]

Hi Sandb2015,
You are a good writer, and very expressive also.
I am only going to write a short reply.

You asked if I recommend initiating no contact.
I only used no contact after my pwBPD did so for a year.
They reached back out after a year, and I didn't reply.
I didn't want to at that point, and it seemed safer to me.
I still feel the same way now, and it has been 1.5 years or so.

The harshness of being given the silent treatment sort of cauterized my wounds.
So sorry you are suffering like this.
I know how awful it is and I send you big hugs.

You have such a natural, solid seeming, process for dealing with this.
If you can find something to do (even the same thing repeated, if helpful) every time you begin to find yourself in the anxiety/suffering state, do it.

For example, while at work you might write in a journal while you have a chance.
And then, when at home, you might go for a walk or cook a meal, or lay with eyes closed and listen to music, or go outside, or whatever works for you.
Keep coming back to yourself when in the suffering state.
You are working this out, it is just a very slow process, as it was with me.

Have a good evening!
Hug

[Sandb2015]

Circle,

Hugs welcomed and I'm grateful, thank you.

She isn't NC, just in a strange semi contact, scripted and indifferent responses "sometimes".

Could be she is trying to "gray rock" me or she thinks she'll just keep doing this until I go away.

Why isn't she blocking me?

I can't answer and nobody can.

I can wait out her "anything".

If she went total NC, I will reevaluate.  Until then, if that must happen for a reason that escapes me, I will find a less than comfortable place to sit while in limbo.

I will try those "physical activities" as you mentioned, my issue is I'm so cerebral, it proves difficult.

Thank you,

S

[Jimievs]

I respect what you have said and wasn't trying to cast judgement, and I recognize it takes alot of strength to have your outlook, I was only trying to look inside me and wonder if I could truly be at one with this scenario and only wish you well

[Sandb2015]

Jimievs ,

I didn't imply there is any judgement, I was talking more about self judgement, we shouldn't judge ourselves.

If a woman quickly departs from a healthy rs, it hurts and it happens, same with men. When a woman with a notable disorder, quickly departs, discards and returns/reconnects and sees nothing wrong with seeing, speaking, sleeping with, getting dating apps, It's a certain type of hell that tests the connection of any partner regarding the future.

I couldn't do this a second time, that's for sure!

B is my one and she will be my one until my heart has no more to will to forgive and believe me folks, I'll be fine after that.

1) Right now, if she is or isn't with someone, she thinks we aren't together and maybe she wanted to run away from our connection because of BPD and the feeling of intimacy was too much as is stated with BPD.  She'll reconnect again and I'll fight like hell as I'm doing.

2) Right now, if she is or isn't with someone, she thinks we aren't together and I was discarded completely as she found a new supply as is dictated in NPD.  She'll definitely reconnect and I don't know what I'll do.

I think she has a little of each, I'm not sure and time will tell.

I didn't sweat her past sexual experiences when we were together, she did mine though over and over ad infinitum...

I would consider it this way.

If we were together as a couple and she slept with someone, I would not forgive, I wouldn't imagine I could ever feel like trusting a woman again and be done.

I'm creating a perspective that tells me we are connected and not together, so if she met someone else during our break and we get back together it doesn't matter for a lifetime.  I wouldn't accept it again.

I would not want it to be an issue for either one of us, forgiveness...

You let stuff go by choice or by force.
You hold onto it the same way.

I'm just blabbing now.

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
Just wondering a couple of things.
Does the way she is treating you (intermittent ignoring) qualify her as a quality person?
If you feel she is quality despite what she is doing, why do you
(and not because of being heartbroken, or addicted, which are about You, not her)?
Thanks,
Circle

[Sandb2015]

Circle,

Good questions,

Yes, I see her as a "quality" person to me.  I don't think she thinks the same of herself, I know she doesn't.

I've thought about this many times, if...it's always the "if's" that give me some challenging perspective.

If she is doing this, has done what she has done as a person without a disorder, I STRONGLY believe she has facets of BPD and possibly NPD, I wouldn't spend one second more.

I have been with her for almost 4 years, 3/19 is four years, yucky day for me.

I have seen who she is without the disorder, in between the "episodes" so there is a B there to love and be loved by.  Empathy---------not so much, I care about myself enough to not need validation, that is tough for many because I'm strong hearted, big hearted and can smile when the world is falling apart.  There are things I may never get from B and that's fine, I'm not incomplete without them.

On and off heartbroken, yes, that's an emotion I have to deal with, It's no one else's responsibility, heart broken is just one word for set of distinct emotions I believe to be dealt with accordingly and separately.  Lets' call the largest contributor to being heartbroken, expectations.  Way too high created the ideas of wanting her to read my mind, wishing she could, have my intentions painted across the sky all the time like a misunderstood dreamer...that was bs and far from what a rs should/could be, even with a person with a disorder.  I must know where I was mistaken with her and myself in order for clarity.

Addicted, when things were bad between us at home, I wasn't so aware of my codependency tendencies that were being amplified at the time, I do know now and deal with that accordingly, I embrace what it did to me and don't want it anymore, it's not part of my DNA, it's a mild disorder in itself.  It did something to her/us also.

If there is no hope because she moves further and further away emotionally, I can't change that, that's fact.  If this is a destructive part of the disorder, after her father's visit, he came from SK and B hasn't seen him in person for 10 years plus ( he's not in great shape and who knows if she'll see him again) the stress of getting her son into a good college put an overwhelming stress on her and home PLUS money woes.  She is the 'throw the baby out with the bathwater type" until reality sets in and so does depression, self loathing...I am the consistent and will always be, not the difficult task for me anyway.

I was her strongest link, her most intimate partner ever in her life (my life also) and became the weakest link with the disorder I believe.  This is as close to a theory as I have and even if wrong, I am close.

She has and is quality, not because love is blind, I've had 100+ Q&A sessions with me regarding this.  I force myself to remember all the terrible words, actions and feelings set forth by B because I was forgetting and that was just denial...I still feel the same.

And to think, I wanted to give you a short response to a short question.

S

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
Well yeah, sounds like you have that part ironed out.
Thanks for your reply.
-C

[Sandb2015]

Circle,

I don’t have anything ironed out.

I feel everything slipping away.

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
You are rolling with the process though.
And staying in touch with yourself.
What's happening with you today?
What are you doing to cope right now?
(sorry for intermittent appearances)
-Circle

[Sandb2015]

Ok, up until yesterday, I've been getting the cold shoulder for about two weeks.  Sending her a simple text and getting the the most simple back sometimes, regardless of my text, like she was drifting away...I was ignored sometimes also, like have a good night, good day, and no response.

I sometimes get tripped up and send her a bunch of explanatory bs texts that I shouldn't and I know that's trouble, I'm learning to be calmer and it's tough.  I know she is soothing herself to keep limited contact to some extent and sometimes I feel irrelevant and lose my cool...

Yesterday, Our 4 year anniversary, she knew I was going to the place we met to have a drink to us alone and she wasn't responding to my texts over the two few days, I stopped texting good night and good morning, I felt foolish.

Yesterday afternoon from nowhere, she asks if I wanted to grab a beer together, I didn't see it and a few minutes later she says, hesitating, forget it, I changed my mind.  I text back, yes, of course and she says she changed her mind, forget it.  No response after at all.

Fine, now my "plans" are screwed, I left work early, picked up 4 lilies and went to her job, she was pleased to see me and asked me to sit down, which means I'm waiting for her to finish, she asked where I wanted to eat together? We decided the same place we met which she knew anyway.  When I gave her the flowers, I told her I was scared, honestly I was, didn't know what to expect.  Her response was, "you always think the worst".  So we leave and we are going to the car and she is kinda cold emotionally so I ask if she still wants to go, she says yes, go to my car and she is crying, saying this isn't normal, we broke up.  I said it's ok, we don't have to go, she insists we go.

We get there and at the spot we met, I grab her and say nice to meet you, she starts to tear up and I do as well, I whisper I love you and she breaks away and heads inside, we sit, real casual place.  I see something isn't "right", I can see the "change" coming...she says we can't kiss or hug anymore, just friends, I say NO! I don't accept.  She starts with the verbal twisting, the blaming, the rs problems that I caused, I tried to be patient, but it was really more than I was prepared for...she brings up the same old thing about me and an ex that is so meaningless in the real world, never a threat, I never cheated, nothing.  Then, she brings up a TEDTALK with Alain de Botton ON LOVE which she sent me to teach me something or tell me something which is always missing the big picture, for example, Brene Brown, she sent it to me telling me I don't have this and I don't have that, just weird because she just picks out pieces and distorts the whole thing. 

Anyway, as she brings up the TEDTALK, I ask her if she actually watched it and she exploded, said I mocked her (I think I did) and grabbed her jacket ran out and I caught up with her, it was bad, I got her in the car, ran to pay and ran back to the car, she started the abuse again, and dropped her at her car, I ALWAYS buckle her in and kiss her, she pushed me and said it's over and started again with abuse, I slammed the car door, FIRST TIME EVER and she took off.  I calmed down and drove to her home about 15 minutes away and called her so many times, I didn't know what the hell I was doing, I get there, she let's me in the door and blocks me from going further, she is absolutely emotionally beaten and it shows saying she is done, I can't forget your past (her version or vision of it with an ex) and I can't get it out of my mind...her obsession that has been the reason for her abuse, her imagination.

Always the same, she stated that her version makes more sense.

She keeps asking me to leave and telling me her visions are too real and are my past, she can't look at me her posture is one of a beat down person, this really did a number on her tonight.

I leave and text her driving back saying, "I'm not your enemy" and later "you said I always think the worst".  I tried calling many times and by the time I get back, I'm blocked.

I know the advise here is leave her alone, you both need a break. Got it.

Is there something obvious I'm not seeing other than me not making it worse or JADEing, I was really given hell in the place being called pretty bad names.

Can anyone tell me from a real outside perspective what the F**K happened?

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
I don't have the clarity at the moment to give any insight.
My impression is that you may be being a bit too assertive for her?
Still, you are just being yourself right?
Another person would probably eat it up, being showered with your love.
Asking her if she actually watched the TedTalk; something I would totally do.
This is not really bad either though, in my opinion, you were simply being yourself.
You don't need to learn to not be yourself.
Intentionally not acting naturally could really mess up your mental state.
Who knows what is happening inside her mind?
She seemed to get overwhelmed though, and getting in her personal space at those points set her off even more: holding her, whispering 'I love you in her ear', buckling her in.
Still though, none of these things is bad.
You are simply being yourself and loving her.
Perhaps she wants to be friends and not your girlfriend?
It is so challenging.
I have been in the exact same space before.
Hopefully you are doing something to take care of yourself and cope.

[Sandb2015]

Thanks Circle,

She was insisting to go, pushing herself for whatever reason, I gave her two opportunities in a kind way to back out.

She devalued the hell out of me sitting together saying terrible things...I don't know when her ability to fight her episode began, I said NO! to being friends, It's offensive and I'm not going to pick candy in her ear to humor everything she wants/doesn't want.  Maybe I wasn't complying, maybe it was her conflict of being there, I don't know.

She devalued me to the point of saying how bad I look, I look like s**t, my skin, my hair and calling me names while looking out the window.  At her home she was just wiped out, I could see how things effect her physically...she said the same devaluating things and said, "I don't even like you anymore".  That just got me angry while she kept talking about her "visions" of my ex that she imagined all along.

I guess I did mock her which caused her to grab her things and run.  By saying, "did you even watch it" was a mocking, I know.  To me that TEDTALK was what she is missing and was surprised that she sent it to me, only as a reversal in her mind and say see, like a secret message only she gets and a million others don't.  I was pissed.

I'm reading and learning and detaching from the sting of the nerve endings.

Some days I feel detached in a healthy way, some days not.

She called me after blocking me last night with a threat of police action if I don't remove my pinterest board.  That made me angry with high anxiety to boot.  I told her not to tell me what to do.  She is the most secretive person I ever met and pinterest is an invasion she thinks.  If I had facebook, I can have any pictures I want, I don't and neither does she.

There are no schematics to this disorder and my mind keeps searching for something consistent in a very inconsistent place.

She texts than blocks...she is reading my emails.  I'm thinking she is implementing control and the more I know, slight and solid symptoms of BPD and NPD, not full blown with either, the perfect amount of poison from both.  F me.

I really don't know what she is thinking, feeling.

I cope here and there, I'm not so sure what "taking care means".  I am on a roller coaster that feels good at the top when I don't look at the throw up I'm sitting in and the broken seatbelt.

I think she is working so hard to erase me, I can't do anything about it, I could have had a drink that night alone and was surprised that she insisted and used the time to kick my A**!

I miss her, I love her, I don't know what's in store, I'm not going to be Mr. Nice guy either and letting go of the fear of it all becomes replaced by anger, like a little angry child.  Trying to figure it out.

I won't lose my heart for myself.  That heart is for me and the world, it took a lot of pain to create it, I won't let her turn it inside out.

Why do I feel like she is slowly becoming my enemy?

[Sandb2015]

Maybe some things overwhelm her at times and other times not she looks for them.

She overwhelms herself more than anything.

That night I did try to "not make things worse", she really went apes*hit as a scheduled event it seems.  She said no kissing, no hugging, I was indifferent, she said just friends, I said no.

Right now it's a battlefield, she's a battlefield I can watch from a distance, I need to get on the sideline somehow.

[Sandb2015]

Her secretive thing about what happened with her ex husband...the details and other sort term relationships...I will most likely become one and no way of knowing for the next guy, just a clean slate and a perfect woman that is looking for honesty and .

In today's age, it's natural to want to google people, at that time, I saw pictures of her, her husband and maybe her son was 4 at the time, no problem, I also saw yoga pose pictures "someone" took and never brought them up, they quickly disappeared...

She didn't want anything to be confronted about most likely without knowing and even after I said "who cares".  She only wanted me to have to explain every single detail of my past, you know, for the purpose of an "emotionally close and intimate relationship".

Live rounds for her and blanks for me.

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
It sounds like you rode a big wave, got smashed under it and are all scraped up from the sand?
Well, you are a brave soul!
No doubt about that.

Hearing you talk about being angry, reminds me of the stages of grieving.
Look up Kubler-Ross' stages of grieving.
They apply to loss.
Including relationship partners.
You could possibly recycle again, but you still find yourself in a loss stage each time.
Sounds like you are in the anger phase of the cycle right now.

Show some cunning and stay out of her way for a while.
You do not want the police report.
Find a way to calm that anger.
Express it somehow: gym, punching bag, drum, chopping wood, running, walking, a big physical project, etc.
Channel this energy into something.
If you just let the anger sit, it will turn into depression.

It stinks.
I know.
The only thing I can say, is that the farther I got away from my XBPD, the more I saw them for who they are.
And, the less appealing it became.
I am not saying this to persuade you in a direction.
I am only saying it, because you have been temporarily cast out, and there is a bright side to be shut out of the castle wall, if you can lift that head up and look around.

[Sandb2015]

I will "stay away" for a while, there's nothing behind the threats of calling the authorities for "this or that".  I won't be a nuisance either.

I sent an email explaining something that she had such a problem with, she was able to acess google location through my account and I was at the dreded corner I had to go to do an exchange with my son and my son's mother would always make it hell.  I went through over a year in court for that right and still had to go through the hell while I tried to be overly civilized...anyway, I had a work errand and decided to stop at that corner (my son's mother is married living far from there).  It caused nightmares and anxiety and decided to CONFRONT it, sit in my car at that corner, smoke a ciggarette and just take a soul s**t, that was that.  My nightmare about THAT corner went away, it just became any corner on any block.

I originally lied because nothing that B asked me was a curiosity, there was always something attached...her hammer and my head...I said it was a coincidence, I lied, I know, telling the truth would have been the same.

Now she is still texting me about it spinning the simple truth, I'm a liar either way.

I put the pictures up using her zoosk handle as the keyword, vindictive I know, someone must have seen it and contacted her or someone she is seeing questioned her...I can't imagine her bs story to a "nice guy".  I was wrong, but if I did it on facebook, it would be the same.

Just letting it all hang...

[Circle]

Taking a soul s**t!
Hahaha, that is too funny.
Good way of putting it, and good idea, and it worked.
Wow, a year in a bureaucratic maze!
You are tenacious.
We all make mistakes and learn.
The photos sound like that sort of a situation.
Letting it all hang, and letting it go seems like a good idea.
Yeah, my BPD spun the truth about a situation too, where I ended up sounding like a beast.
Holy moly what a pain that was.
And, I made the mistake of apologizing too, which affirmed her story.
Sounds so exhausting. . .
Well, you got a little vacation coming, so that's good.

[Sandb2015]

I was filled with hate yesterday and with it, some clarity of the traumatic things, it felt empowering. Before sleep, hate mixed with fear, little sleep.  Not good today.

Today I'm feeling the trauma as never before and hate that has little to no room for love.

I shared some of the most gruesome events with someone for the first time today and I can't believe I let someone do this to me, my secret, was that me?.  Trauma is maybe sinking in.  I don't feel numb, I feel like I am removed from everything floating outside looking at me as someone else and only a string of hate connects the 2 of me.  I think I'm worse than 2 months ago. How could I let someone do this to me knowingly and accepting it?

I am feeling that she is cleaning the slate for the next victim as she did for me.  If this is true, it's calculated evil, I imagine more

[Sandb2015]

Can we say that this cleaning of the slate, no past, full steam ahead, erasing of the last one is more indicative of NPD?

Little things she has said of the last 8-10 weeks were, "how can I possibly discuss my past relationship (you) with someone new?"

It appears I'm getting slight hints of her reinventing herself from recent memories, a new persona, new ideas of relationships.

She will never be able to function in any healthy relationship, or any dysfunctional one either.  Barely in life without a relationship without really screwing things up.

She yells at police if they stop her, imagine that, almost to the point of harassment.  That's her reaction to a controllable but stressful situation like with her boss who's whole family treats her like a rabid animal tied to a post by a shoestring that you have a hair of space between them and a wall, WALKING ON EGGSHELLS squared, but they need her.  She actually needs that job more than they need her and she realizes that when there is an outburst and unravels.

She needed my money to survive and we were JUST surviving, no extras, things got bad for me at work and we used to enjoy going to dinner here and there, had to give that up.  It added negatively to her NPD traits especially.

She's been complaining about money ever since she kicked me out and her house is in shambles, leaking roof, basement will need work from outside water, corroded pipes, electrical issues, etc.

She has said when I've given her flowers, "oh, you have money?"  Or just going there and spending $15 in ez pass is met with the same statement.

I didn't make much when she kicked me out, now it's being held against me that she has less now, very difficult financially.

To put it lightly, I FU*KIN* HATE HER right now, cruel and cold and I am shocked by my amount of hate, I never had this before even in vengeful dreams and my head hurts.

[Circle]

Well yeah, anger seems like a perfectly reasonable response.
If you weren't feeling angry, I would be more concerned.
Feeling outside of your body IS a reaction to trauma (dissociation).

There were money issues with my XBPD too.
I definitely didn't make enough to support another person.
I wouldn't be with someone who couldn't support themselves now.
Too much extra stress involved in that scenario.

Hard to say if she is npd or BPD.
They are in the same cluster of personality disorders and share traits.
Plus, they could be comorbid.
It isn't necessary to figure out though, unless you really want to.

You were doing well before this, centering the focus upon yourself.
Can you bring it back to yourself again?
What is something you can do to bring yourself back to earth?
You know yourself best, and know what helps you the most when you are feeling bad.
Time to take care of yourself right now.

[Sandb2015]

Circle,

I was doing well before at times, I have the connection with her, I can't deny that and I do believe the same with less shine of "hope", the here and now and gone forever feeling that comes in waves.

My own issues are so intertwined here, I know.

Feeling like she's given up or working so hard to erase me are figments of my imagination like many of my reactions, trying to or actually projecting what she is thinking and feeling by "interpreting"...that just causes more confusion and anger.

It is such an abandonment thing I can't believe it.

Getting blocked, I react as though it's the first time... Panic, anger, frustration, fear of loss.

Emotionless texts or conversation...I feel like her heart is gone, more projection...sucks...

Getting stuck on words she has used recently that linger along with her actions feed into my own insecurities, projections, abandonment...

I keep trying to paint a picture of what she is thinking, feeling and I know that's impossible, but my mind needs to stop thinking I can get into hers.

What changes with me is the feeling of connection, loss of connection from day to day, week to week.  How and if she is thinking of me or not.  Again, projection of the all good and all bad.

I have never allowed myself to hate her, that's a big thing for me because I feel like if I did, I would cast her from my heart with the first feeling of hate.  I now have the hate mixed with my caring for her pretty much the same, not an easy mix.

Anger, sure, I feel it quietly, I know my anger and how it manifests itself and I'm so good at controlling it in a healthy way, I'm proud of myself there.

I have reached my limits at times with her and held back mostly from going full angry me (I did lose it a few times, zero guilt, I'm human) I can be a verbal terror and cut someone to pieces without raising my voice, can be damaging to a loved one or very efficient to set someone straight under the right circumstances.  Either way, anger manifested or held, lingers and she was the opposite, it just stopped, no aftershocks, I would brood, still do, that's my way and I accept it.

I have to get to this feeling of immediacy, I want results, real or imagined right away.  I know a rs is something that is outside of the normal areas of life or is it a consequence of everything else?

I know what triggers my panic, I should be able to separate it.  Others (her specifically) actions and words and my reactions emotionally and I guess mentally.

I keep sliding back into the me/her as one thing instead of the her and me.

If she is so fuc*ked up in this disorder that she me needs to cut ties with me, I can't do much about it, I don't want to be "friends", not happening.  If I became friends with an ex after a "normal" breakup, and friends as maybe not feeling uncomfortable bumping into them somewhere or having a mutual social circle, that's fine.  I think the term is friendly, not friends.

We have not had any communication since Thursday after threatening me to take down mutual pictures that show up on Google.  I really don't want to and her threats are bs and got my fear up in a different way, I combat it.

She claimed it bothered her son because we aren't' together anymore...what a line of BS.  He could care less about much, that's how she wants him to be and reinforces the opposite of what I tried to instill.

I said I would look into seeing about removing those images (meaning F YOU) and in the meantime, tell your son not to search his mother on Google.  I icluded that I'm sorry your son had to remove pictures he had of family when I moved in and you also, I saw them all and it didn't bother me a bit.

That was the last communication and I had no idea if I was blocked, I felt oddly relieved.  That feeling wasn't there this morning and I wanted to know.  Stupidly this morning Saturday, I lost my mind and sent a text...I started shaking, trembling (anxiety/trauma ?)

A convoluted way to let her know I'm still here in existence   and love her without saying it because I worry what will trigger more BS.  It was obviously a blame/I love you text and I didn't have to send it of even say the "you gave up" part, I should know better by now.

You gave up, I didn't, won't and never will.


I should have "paused" and examined what the heck I was doing.  I'm looking for attention, that's obvious and if she will connect with me, it will come...not necessarily because I sent a text and not a well worded one at that...

Most of what I'm going through, I'm causing myself, I know.

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
Good expression of thoughts.
I remember going through those pangs of sending a text and waiting for a reply.
So terrible.
An awful feeling.
It still happens to me every now and then with people.
You sort of feel like you and her are one person, like one soul.
And you don't feel like you will quit ever huh?
Like maybe you are getting something positive out of the pain in this cycle.
It sounds so painful to me.
Ouch

[Sandb2015]

Circle,

I texted her a few hours later...How are you? How’s your day? Her response...I’m fine, how about you? .. I said I’m ok.

Where did she go? Where did my love go?

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
I think you are speaking about your feelings for her, when you ask 'where did she go'?
Nice that she replied to you.

[Sandb2015]

Correct, where did the person I knew go...

Have they moved on completely, should I expect a recycle, I don’t know? Limbo or perceived limbo is not a nice place to be.

I will have more information tomorrow about many things, I’m looking for something concrete and tomorrow may give me that...I’m not sitting around anymore.

Stay tuned ...

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
Looking for something concrete could perhaps be unrealistic.
Right?
We are not looking at stable personality characteristics with cluster-b types.
We are looking at constant flux.
What is the weather like now?
That may not make a difference as to what the weather will be two days later.
This is why after completely ignoring me for a year, my XBPD startlingly tried to reach me.
As you know it is more like turbo weather change than regular weather.
Maybe taking it easier this time around will have better results.
Staying tuned...

[Sandb2015]

Well...

There was a nice car in her driveway the other day and I am privy to Lic plate registration checks.  Turns out he's a seemingly very quiet, older and successful business owner from 50+ miles away.  If he was there, her son met him.

He's the next mark it seems.

The irony here is that a successful business owner, kinda homely and his history is that of a quiet and seemingly nice guy without any social network connections at all.

Why the hell would he go from where he is to where she is for dating?  I believe now, he's been a guy she's been working on for a while, she doesn't let anyone near her home before months of dating.

I'm in the NY metro area and there must have been thousands of interesting women between him and her.

From friends and family I've heard she looks for reasonably successful guys that are either heavy, older, nerdy or seemingly lucky to have the attention of a reasonably attractive woman.

She works hard to "reel in" some unsuspecting fellow...I hope he sees what is going on.  I want to write him a letter, crazy, at this point, this is just crazy.

On top of that, the guy is Jewish and she is an outspoken anti-semite.

We spoke in person yesterday at her request and all I heard is how much I f'ed up and this is all my fault.  She said when I "get my sh*t" together, she will reconsider getting back to me BUT no promises.

Fine, my job has left me on life support and I'm living on my Aunt's futon, before I met her, I was doing ok.

So, when I make more money and get my own place after being made fun of for living at my Aunt's after being viciously thrown out by you, you'll consider a life with me.    

Animal, she's a cruel animal.

[Circle]

Yeah, that's the nature of the beast.
Anti-semite?
For real?

Geez Sandb2015,
You have to admit objectively that you are idealizing a less than ideal mate?
Right?
I mean being an anti-semite is a whole different load of horse-manure than just BPD alone.

I understand that you are hooked on what isn't good for you.

I was hooked on a woman with BPD also.

How are you feeling with the synthesis of all this new information?

[Sandb2015]

I've grown up in NY my whole life and have heard  anti Semitic remarks everywhere, like most prejudices, they are there hiding until people they are around like minded folks which is usually not the case.  She never spoke of this until a few months ago, the most imprtant person to have ever existed in my life was a lower east depression era man that happen to be Jewish, didn't matter, but he showed me how to be the great person I am today, he is responsible.

This is crazy, call it BPD, call it NPD, it's

The beast...this isn't happening, this isn't happening to me, all the stories here, this can't be me, I think I know something of her.

I didn't know anything.