Worn out from Sons anger and verbal attacks

[Safhaven]

I think my 38 year old son has BPD. He has always had issues with interpersonal relations, jobs, finances. But in the last three years has changed and the verbal attacks are vicious, demeaning and out of character for him. The things he says the names he calls me are absolutely out of character for him. He goes for the jugular and then the next words is how much he loves me.

I know he is abusing alcohol and I am concerned he is doing some form of drugs.

Just desperate -

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Music Ace]

Safhaven - even if he does not have BPD, some of the experienced people here will be able to offer words of advice, comfort, and support that will hopefully provide you with validation that your struggles are real and you are not alone.

Please feel free to share here what you feel comfortable sharing. Sometimes just unloading in a safe place releases some of the burden you are carrying.

My beautiful 28 yr old child has wished us a painful long lasting process ending in death. She has sent us pictures of her in hospital (but not where she is), immediately blocked all access to her and then publically announced our lack of presence or caring in her hour of critical need. She has sent images of her hurting herself. And hurled painful words at us repeatedly accusing us of encouraging her to kill herself.

Finding a place of serenity and a moment of peace is our ... .and hopefully will become your ... .goal.

I attend naranon family group for families of substance users and have attended alanon. I sought out therapy for myself to put me on a good path for me, to help me communicate with our daughter better, and to try to understand her better and NOT own what is not my problem or success to own.

I am playing cards with friends tonight while my child has to figure out how to clean out and move her hoarded full apartment when her friends (also drug users) 'abandoned' her (I suspect she may have been rather nasty to them recently or since they indicated they weren't going to help). Not once has she asked for help from us. Kinda hard when you're not speaking to one of us  ... .but ... .that lack of help from us (we also aren't allowed to know where she is living!) Will, of course, been thrown back at us or posted publicly.

She also is undiagnosed BPD... .but she tells me she has it. Then when she destroys something,  excuses herself because she was simply BPD'ing, and people should simply understand and accept.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Wishing you a moment or two of peace and gentleness .

Ace

[Mirsa]

Hi SafHaven,

I was going to share a story, but I don't want to hijack the post.  So, I'll just say that in my opinion, when someone dumps their anger on me, it's awful.  I truly hate it. 

I hope you can set some boundaries with your son's anger and verbal attacks.  You don't deserve it and it's not fair to you.   They will try to twist and turn things to blame you... .don't let him.  Bottom line:  dumping anger on someone is never okay. 

[Safhaven]

I have read several books this week and to my surprise he certainly sounds like he fits the criteria. I have been seeing a psychologist dealing myself with some recent health issues. I was recently diagnosed with a form of leukemia. My son’s behavior has escalated since my diagnosis. He will not ask me how I am doing or even acknowledge my diagnosis.

He recently got married and asked me to plan his wedding and then accused me of taking over and cussed me out and said horrid things to me. I did not attend his wedding and he called and left me a voice mail about how weak and terrible I was.

It’s so upsetting he is my only child and we were so close u til 3 years ago. We had a disagreement and I told him for the first time I didn’t agree with him and how I really felt. It’s been downhill from there.

[Music Ace]

Safhaven-do you think, after reading the books and seeing his actions matching BPD symptoms, you have found any suggestions or ideas in those books that you could identify with, that might help you in your dealings with your son?

I am sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. That will take time to process and understand your healthcare plan. Abandonment seems to be an overarching concern for those with BPD. I wonder if, with your diagnosis, this has triggered concerns of abandonment that he may not understand or be able to verbalize. 

No matter, it would be so frustrating and hurtful to be on the receiving end of his negativity and his egocentric behaviour, especially when you and he had enjoyed a close (and I'm presuming generally positive) relationship.  With a tough and scary diagnosis, and his not be available to support you, I would think you would miss your old relationship even more.

I hope your therapist is able (and you feel comfortable with him/her) to work through the challenges you are experiencing with your son as well as your health issues.

Having to make the difficult decision to not attend your son's wedding must have been devastating. But it sounds like with all the accusations before and then the negative judgements following, that he had put you in an awfully tough spot.

I wish I were better at saying the right things or even helpful things ... .but I want to assure you, you have come to the right place.

Look through the resources and check out how best to use this site. Knowing I can't control or change anyone ... .but I can change myself and my reactions to situations and people - was an important first step for me. And sometimes the changes you make FOR YOU, allow you to stop walking on eggshells and begin to feel 'normal' (whatever normal represents for you).

Hopefully those with more experience on the site will point you in the right direction for resources to consider looking at first.

Ace

[Safhaven]

ACE

Thank you for your support and kind words. The books have given me some ideas and helped realize his words don’t mean anything anymore. A lot of the things I read I feel validated some of my previous thoughts. However, it definitely gave me some tools to use when communicating with him. We only communicate by text at this point. I tried some of the tactics to escalate his anger and they worked.

I am just so sad for him and I wish he could recognize how much he has hurt himself.

I do not share my emotions easily and never publically- this posting is new for me

[Music Ace]

Oh Safhaven - you made my heart swell.

I do not share my emotions easily and never publically- this posting is new for me

Sharing light and love doesn't lessen the joy ... .but often sharing struggles and sadness lessens the burden.  And and and, I do hope that you come to feel that you CAN share (be it here or anywhere else) and that it allows others to help shoulder the emotions and make sense of (or more likely just commiserate) with the chaos those close to us have the power to create.

I will be very honest, I almost quit/took a leave from my job. I lost 20+pounds. I felt nothing but absolute fear for hours (sometimes even days) at a time. I opened up to a lot of people ... .because once I did ... .I couldn't stop. I turned into myself at all other times. I was constantly nauseated. I physically shook whenever our landline rang. I hid in my room at work (I'm a teacher). I snapped at everyone (aka students stepping out of line ... .sometimes LITERALLY when an 11 year old stepped out of line). I had to steel myself when looking at messages from her (she, too, only communicates electronically unless she's feeling particularly nasty then she may choose to call 3 times in the middle of the night to berate violently or simply leave dead air or hang up). I constantly needed to know where she was (she lives 2 hours away) and would creep her fb (I don't have fb, but my husband does), reach out to friends - hers and our mutual.

She was destroying my life. 

I entered therapy with the sole goal of feeling as little guilt as possible when one of her many 'claimed' suicide attempts was successful. What a horrible HORRIBLE place to be. But that was my reality.

Through therapy and by attending naranon (like AA or alanon - it's a 12-step program for those who have family members or friends with addiction) ... .I came to the sad realization that she wasn't destroying my life ... .I WAS DESTROYING MY OWN LIFE. It was an awful realization ... .then ... .it was an amazing revelation.  Although she was destroying HER life, I couldn't do ANYTHING about that unless she was interested in making changes. However, I COULD make some changes in MY LIFE. And i have.

Now, i will fully admit that there is an unfortunately good possibility that she will take her own life (or she'll piss someone off and things will go south FAST) ... .and this is our/her reality if things continue they way they are. But ... .I have accepted this reality, I cannot change this reality, but I can be grateful for this day and that she is alive and has a chance for tomorrow with or without me in her life. I am here for her ... .but I am not her verbal or physical punching bag. I am so grateful she does not live with us (I don't know how I'd cope). We will help her with anything we morally are comfortable with, but the boundary is - she has to ask. (She set a boundary for us ... .and a reasonable one, to stop offering unsolicited and therefore unwanted, advice.) Thus if she says ... .man my house is cold ... .my comment is "geez that's rough,I do not like being cold" I may even add "are the cats snuggling you?". She is making an observation, I am returning the same. I no longer jump in and ask if the furnace is on, did she get the windows sealed for winter, she should put on a sweater,  etc.

At the end of the day, I have to be ok. And I am the only one capable of making that happen (although I can have help to get there!). Mental illness or addiction ... .choice or circumstance... .she, at 28, is in charge of her life. I would help in a heartbeat, if it was wanted or welcomed. I'm a fixer- it's what I do. Or perhaps, what I have always done . So instead of trying to fix others and make them perfect like ME apparently (total tongue in cheek there!), I am working on fixing me to be the best ME I can be and trying to love myself while I'm at it.

She's messed up and so am I... .might just was well put my energy where it has the potential to be the most effective! And that's on ME! Because then maybe, just maybe, if and when she is ready to make some changes in her life, I'll be healthy enough to support her instead of feeling the need to do it for her or tell her how or why. Maybe by then, she'll be able to trust me to trust her! And maybe I'll be actually able to trust her too.

Ace

P.s. in no way does this mean I am serene and blissful all the time not does it mean I don't give a crap about my kid. Nah ... .I'm pretty damn scared and sad. But most days, with conscious effort of necessary, I can get on with MY life and live it ... .just like she is doing with hers (we just both happen to dislike the other's approach and choices ... .cause hers are fricken crazy LOL)

[FaithHopeLove]

Music Ace I read your last post three times because it is so wise and helpful to me. Thank you

[Music Ace]

FHL - thank YOU. It is wonderful when we can buoy someone else.

I've read of your journey, and admire that you, too, keep moving forward staying as positive as you can.

It's all we should hope for,  eh? Then we don't set ourselves up for disappointment.

Thanks again for your kind comment.

Ace