Why don’t they see?

[boogs152]

Can someone enlighten me on why pwBPD feel like they give so much more empathy and love than others?
My partner thinks he’s gives and gives... .but in my experience he lacks empathy and withholds love quite often.

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[Bnonymous]

Hi Boogs 

I'm sorry I haven't been around. I've been to hell and back with "mine" (not mine anymore) recently and kinda lost myself for a while. I'm back now. 

I wonder if it's related to projection? A similar but reversed defence mechanism? Mine used to do it too. He was always saying about how he was always putting other people first, but that's never what I saw in/from him at all.

Maybe they see other people giving this stuff to them, and they feel kinda bad about it, so they reverse project? In similar ways to how they attribute their bad qualities to others, they maybe attribute others' good qualities to themselves? Something like that, perhaps...?

[isilme]

Here's my theory, based on the fact I feel this is more of emotional disability, a handicap, than a mental illness.  We think of an illness, we expect a "cure".  We recognize a disability, our expectations are more realistic and grounded based on the other person's level of ability.  And this level of radical acceptance of what BPD actually means, I think, is a key point in staying together, eyes wide open about what your partner can give, and what they need.

Let's say I have 100 units of empathy, caring, energy to devote to others, works of service to give.  In tough times I can maybe dig deep and give above and beyond, and pull an extra 25 units out of thin air - it's exhausting, but I can sometimes do it.  But on a given day, I am not overdrawn so much, or at least, I may use up 50-90 units daily, and if I can rest up, or not be too taxed, the unit bank will refill.  It may not sit at 100 every day, but some days I might et by only using 30 units... it's like a bank, waiting for the next direct deposit - just try to not overdraw and make it "payday" to payday. 

My BPD H may have only 25 units of empathy to give and may be able to draw an extra 15 out of the ether at rare moments.  Daily, he may use up all 25 units, while I may have some left over on nonstressful days.  So he feels his resources are drained and is frustrated if it's not recognized that he gave so much.  Compared to how much I am able to give, it may seem small, until you realize he emptied his bank account to do what he can, and I'm not recognizing it so he's upset.

With training, with care, his 25 units may grow, slowly, to 50... but he has an emotional disability, and operates often at a deficit. 

Add to this another issue:

I can control my emotions to some extent.  I can shove them aside if needed, usually, to focus on a task, to keep a certain level of stress from overwhelming me, to combat shame by trying to just do better instead of giving up and curling into a ball.  I can sometimes look into the abyss of my soul, my psyche, and accept I'got plenty of faults but I've also got a few positives about me, and so facing a mistake is not self-annihilating to the point where I have to deny it, blame someone else to avoid that shame, or invent a new reality where that shame simply does not exist.

My BPD H can't do this.  Shame from 15 years ago feels as fresh today as it did then.  Feelings of anger from 10 years ago can surface and he can't tell himself, "no, I'm busy, I don't need these feelings right now."  He can't tell himself, that was ages ago, I survived, I can take the sting off these feelings.  He can't face blame - if he fails in any way, from not having a perfect appearance (this covers many things - the "right" clothes, hiding his wrists he thinks are skinny, hiding his head because he shaved his thinning hair, lint rolling minute fluff from his pants), says something silly, trips over an obstacle, he's failed forever at life, he sucks, and to fight THOSE feelings, he has to lash out, make it my fault, make it about something else unrelated, make it about anything but facing something he finds terminally embarrassing.  He has admitted he cannot process bad feelings without yelling at someone.  No matter the cause - it rained on a day he wanted to be outside, he can't manage the feelings and has to pick a fight.  The fight could be over how I put something in the trash can - suddenly this becomes a "I'm kicking you out I hate you," level fight, simply because his disability means he can't handle the disappointment of it raining and needing a new plan for the day. 

Also, he has to punish me o make me upset and sad to validate him feeling upset and sad.  I think there is nothing more invalidating to him than me being okay about something while he wants to yell, kick, and scream.  Yes, he withholds love, so I will feel how he feels, because in his perception if I loved him I'd not fail to keep him from being sad.  Ever. 

So, no, not without a lot of time, owrking on vadliating communciations, will they "see".  They can't face it the way you can, they are disabled, emotionally blind. 

[itsmeSnap]

Can someone enlighten me on why pwBPD feel like they give so much more empathy and love than others?

They can be convinced the world is out to get them (often because growing up, "their world", their parents/family probably were), so by taking "the moral high ground" (it really isn't), they can justify in their minds the misguided things they often do.

But that's for them to work through, what is interesting is how you're perceiving it and reacting to it.

but in my experience he lacks empathy and withholds love quite often.

How is it affecting you? with this new "insight", would it change the way you understand/react to these situations?

[Bnonymous]

Wow, isilme!

That is amazingly insightful and compassionate.

Kind of like how a billionaire can give away the odd thousand or two here and there and still be tight-fisted as Scrooge, while a person on benefits/welfare can give away £5 and it will be an act of supreme generosity?

[boogs152]

Wow I’ve bern away too thanks for the responses very helpful will reply more soon

[Warriorprincess]

All very helpful, thank you!
-Warriorprincess

[COLB]

Boogs152,
I have a little different take on your question.
"Can someone enlighten me on why pwBPD feel like they give so much more empathy and love than others?
My partner thinks he’s gives and gives... .but in my experience he lacks empathy and withholds love quite often."

My BPDw is so emotionally sensitive she actually does see others emotions, she equates that with empathy.  But it is not understanding the other person, it is understanding her version of the other persons emotional state. One of my children calls it "hanging judge empathy".  Because she understands the "real cause of someones mood and emotion" she is more easily able to judge that person and find fault with them.

B

[GaGrl]

I have another idea.

I think pwBPD feel their emotions so intensely that, once those emotions are discharged and exhausted, they think (feel) that they have given of themselves.

[Butane]

My H is incredibly giving. He over-does pretty much everything, from cooking too much food (enough spaghetti and garlic bread for 8, but we are only 4), to giving too much money ($100 from the tooth fairy!"), to etc etc.

He has said things like "I gave you everything and you still aren't grateful", "you need to start pulling your weight around here" and "I give and give, now I am empty and have nothing left to give you, and it's still not enough".

The perception is so far off from reality. I think he needs approval very badly. For example, he told me that me saying " thank you" for coffee was not enough for him. He hoped I would say "that was the most amaze-balls coffee I ever had!". Never mind that is a ridiculously over-done comment for the situation.

If the SO's reaction isn't exactly what the pwBPD hoped for, he will devalue the SO and believe he is the only giver in the relationship.

 

[Warriorprincess]

He has said things like "I gave you everything and you still aren't grateful", "you need to start pulling your weight around here" and "I give and give, now I am empty and have nothing left to give you, and it's still not enough"... The perception is so far off from reality. I think he needs approval very badly... If the SO's reaction isn't exactly what the pwBPD hoped for, he will devalue the SO and believe he is the only giver in the relationship.

 

Wow. This is so like my own life. The exact words my W uses.  It is helpful to know that others are having the same experience. I have to learn to say, “It’s the disease talking” and not take it personally.  Why as that so hard? 

[Butane]

Wow. This is so like my own life. The exact words my W uses.  It is helpful to know that others are having the same experience. I have to learn to say, “It’s the disease talking” and not take it personally.  Why as that so hard? 

It is hard to not take it personally. Especially when any response (mild or dramatic appreciation, small or big smile) could be felt by him to be the "wrong" response at a certain time... there have been times when my polite "Thank you" has gone totally unacknowledged with "you're welcome", and other times when my "extreme validations" have been accepted with tearful thanks for helping him see his worth. Other times, he says my efforts to connect or show appreciation are "insincere".

As I re-read the above, I realized again how roller-coaster-ish this all is.     

[Butane]

ISILME;

I just wanted to say that your explanation several posts above resonated with me very much. The only part that does not apply to my H is the part about looking perfect, as his perfectionism manifests as things being done exactly "the right way". 

I think deep down my H knows I also give a lot. BUT my well doesn't run dry as fast, and replenishes faster than his. Therefore, I feel much less resentful about my giving.

Resentment is a huge issue for H, leading to the belief and comment that "I do so much, and you aren't grateful". I know that deep, deep, deep inside he knows this isn't true, as he has at times tearfully apologized and acknowledged how this hurts me.