Triggered by uBPD mother

[caughtnreleased]

One of the most difficult things I find about being in a family relationship with someone who is uBPD is how the more things change the more they stay the same. Things have improved a great deal with my uBPD mother. We have a relatively low conflict relationship which is a big change from before and are able to have a relatively uneventful relationship except when she goes and does her "thing" every so often which is really triggering. The latest installment is that my sibling scheduled a dinner to celebrate an accomplishment of mine recently after I expressed to her the fact that my family never celebrated me or anything I ever did and that I felt rejected by the family as a result. My mother indicated that we would spend the afternoon together before the dinner. Then I didn't hear from my mother to figure out the details of the day we were supposed to spend together and then i heard from my sibling that my mother had decided to leave the country to attend to a sick relative. She had at least two days to send me a message to cancel and let me know she would not spend the day with me and could not make it to the celebratory dinner. But she didn't. She left me hanging and in the dark. I understand that she left early to look after the sick relative. The situation is very bad on that end. But to not even think about me... .it triggered all the neglect I experienced from her during my childhood. My father also did not even think to call me to let me know. He wasn't even aware of plans that were being made for me. It was once again a double whammy. Then I told someone I have been seeing about how upset I was about the situation... .or rather sent them a message which they read but never responded to. Triple whammy. What does it take to get a little bit of compassion from people these days? Luckily a couple of family members did give me the support and understanding that I needed so I could manage this difficult moment. But it made me quite upset for a good part of the day. I also am now very much questioning whether I want to keep seeing someone who can't even respond to message where I am expressing hurt and anguish at a situation I am experiencing.

[zachira]

I am sorry you are feeling hurt and triggered by your mother with BPD. It sounds like she has a hard time seeing you as a separate person from herself and is threatened by your accomplishments. She certainly could have shown some empathy and expressed her sorrow at being unable to attend the dinner, possibly sending you a card and telling you how proud she is of your accomplishments. I too was raised by a mother with BPD. My mother showed up at my first job where I was a waitress, had me wait on her, and then told my boss in my presence what a terrible waitress I was. My sister is an accomplished researcher and mom wants nothing to do with seeing her interviews on television. It really hurts to the very core of the soul to know that a mother is incapable of seeing her children as separate people from her and cannot rejoice in the accomplishments of her children. I am glad that there are others that recognize your accomplishments and see that you deserve to be recognized. Can you share with us some of the recognition you received and how much it meant to you? There are many members on this site with mothers with BPD who understand the disappointment and hurt of having a mother with BPD. Keep us posted and let us know how we can be the most helpful.
Another common topic which you have brought up is how the person you are seeing did not understand or respond to the hurt you felt by how your mother treated you. It does not lessen the hurt, though it can help to understand that a lot of people do not understand BPD or what it is like to be a child of a mother with BPD. Is there any way you can talk to the person you are seeing about how you felt unheard and how hurt you were by their response?

[caughtnreleased]

Hi,
Thank you so much for your message. It was great to go for dinner with people who asked questions of me and congratulated on all the hard work I've done to get where I am. I was treated to a delicious dinner and we had a lovely time and wonderful conversation where I felt heard and understood and accepted. It was a really nice feeling and in the end I do wonder if that kind of dynamic could have existed in my mother's presence. She often makes everything about her.
With regards to the person I am seeing, I have still not heard back from him. Our last message exchange was essentially me saying how upset I was at the situation I was experiencing, to which he made no response. I am not really sure how to let him know as I have found him to be rather invalidating on a few occasions about things I have tried to tell him about myself. His silence is another example of how I feel invalidated. Luckily I had other people who validated me in my experience so I'm not as distraught about it and am not really waiting to hear from him, although I do find the silence rather strange. I am not really sure how it will pan out with him. I am supposed to see him sometime this week so I will be curious to see how/if he gets back in touch with me. I do have trouble and sometimes separation anxiety when I affirm myself in relationships: that is, when I express my needs I start to feel anxious that the other person will leave me or find someone else because I have been too bossy or inappropriate or demanding. My parents gave me the silent treatment and favored my sister whenever I tried to express my needs.

[Turkish]

Do you think your mother really needed to go?  A message would have been nice.  Trying to think the best her... it's possible that her anxiety over a sick relative (or if not anxiety, then needing to be needed/rescue) became paramount in her mind?

[caughtnreleased]

My mother did need to go. Whether she needed to go 48 hours earlier than she had initially planned is up for debate but I won't get into that. I'm told a friend of hers guilt tripped her about by telling her the relative is in agony and she had to go. (the relative has cancer that has metastasized and probably does not have much longer to live). So yes there are good reasons for her leaving early. My father on the other hand could have built the bridge where my mother failed in communicating. He wasn't even aware that a dinner was planned to celebrate me. When he found out about all the plans he called me and left a message making excuses for my mother explaining how sick the relative was. But when I tried to get real information on the relative's situation in question he had no answers as he had not heard from my mother either. Then he did hear from her and she only said: it is really difficult. The relative has serious mental health issues (chronic depression at the very least but has never sought help for it) as does her immediate family. My father has since gone to join my mother and I have not heard anything from either of my parents since then (about the situation, the state of my relative). 
For the dinner celebrating me, my sibling is the one who acted like the parents I never had.  My father seemed ashamed. I don't even know what to think about my parents. They are emotional cripples.
Finally the person I am seeing has sent me a message underlining the silver lining in my situation a.k.a: at least my father made it to my dinner. at least... at least... and then trying to be chirpy and positive. I understand this is a reaction that people have when faced with the pain of others. I think I will simply respond that I am experiencing a difficult time (I also was waiting to hear back about a job I really wanted and didn't get it...all this happened in the space of three days) and that I needed support to get me through it. I am not going to minimize my pain to make him feel comfortable.