Possible BPD in dating?

[Circle]

Hello,
I have been on here before for a past relationship with my ex diag. BPD partner.
Now I am on here again, with a person I have been dating.
We have been dating for a few months.
They are a cool person.
I like them.
We share interests and ideologies and have a physical attraction.
Much of what they do annoys me, yet it seems like normal human differences.
At least until recently.
They are still dating other people.
This came up in conversation recently.
I mentioned that I still wanted to date other people too, and also be on dating sites, like they are.
This is when they freaked out and gave me the willys for the first time.
They got upset and exclaimed that I was leaving them, worriedly.
They also said that I was being cruel.
I responded by mentioning that things were stat and nothing had changed.
I was pretty put offf by all of this.
I decided I would tell them so a day or two later.
I explained that I didn't like the way they responded
They got upset with me again.
They told me that I was harrassing them and being cruel again.
I felt like I was being openly communicative.
I do realize that I should have approached the conversation with more tact.
At any rate, all of this has me on edge.
Additionally, in the last couple of weeks they notified me that
: if I didn't perform a specific task there was a possibility I could be disconnected from them.
It is all starting to add up.
I never for a second would have considered this person to potentially be disordered before.
Now I am not so sure.
The fact that they feel harrassed by pretty harmless stuff makes me feel alert.
I no longer feel cozy about them.
Like they say, "Avoid those who believe your intentions are evil".
So, now I am all up in my head, confused.
I thought I was onto something good.
Seems pretty likely that it is just another inedible mushroom though.
Any thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

if I didn't perform a specific task there was a possibility I could be disconnected from them.

what task?

[Circle]

Hi O.R., it was A chore that they wanted me to complete.

[Steps31]

Good thing you're learning more about her early in the relationship.
They do sound like red flags...
Although, I also think dating multiple people at a time is murky business, in my opinion. This time though, it might have exposed something you wouldn't have seen without it.

[Sandb2015]

Good afternoon Circle,

I think that experiencing this type of behavior in the beginning might give you an idea of what is going on---red flags!

I haven't read your other posts regarding a former rs and how it brought you here.  I would expect that if you do look over your last posts, you know what is in store.

Personally, I look back and can't believe how many red flags there were, I didn't even know what a red flag was and can't with all honesty say what I would have done if I had known.  I definitely wouldn't have moved in with her and her son because our living space (in her home) was in constant jeopardy and I had things pretty good before which is impossible to get back now in the near future. I'm now sleeping on a futon in a family member's home, longer commute but surrounded by love and understanding.  I still see my unBPD often, text, facetime etc and am trying to better our rs.

Would I have continued?...yes, only with today's' perspective.

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
Thanks for your reply.
It helps to get some feedback, as I seem prone to this dynamic.
Sometimes it is hard to tell if these things are only in our heads.
Sounds like your current situation is both an improvement and a loss.
I am glad for your loving surroundings and sorry for the loss of your old place.
Hang in there!

[Sandb2015]

Thanks Circle,

I think many of us here are "prone" to a less-than healthy rs where we tolerate more than anybody should.

The point is to distinguish us and the one we have/had the rs with.

I don't know where I read this so I'm quoting indirectly...it's just a mix of info really...

These types of relationships tell us more about ourselves and our "issues" than the one we are with.  Whether we can learn about ourselves, the disorder and stay in the healthiest way possible or learn what we may have been doing our whole life and just stop doing it with work so when we are able to have a rs, it's recognized by both as healthy.

If I didn't become codependent, enabling, and I know what I know now, we most likely would be closer to a healthy rs than now (her).  Allowing myself to be abused and making excuses and becoming the shell of a person just fed her unchecked, hamster wheel cursed disorder as I thought my change would change her...nope.

It took being pulled through a very small hole cartoon style and tears I never though I could produce to see a less lopsided picture.

We can determine a unBPD symptoms, define them and actually see them as a textbook formula.

What about us? We need to do the same, sucks, but we need to.

If...I can't get to where I ultimately want to go with my love, I WILL NOT DO THIS OR SUBJECT MYSELF TO THIS EVER IN MY LIFE AGAIN.  I can say that now, couldn't before, I know i'm getting better and I test myself.





Circle...you sound like you know, you sound like you don't.

Sometimes it is hard to tell if these things are only in our heads

Is it?

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
Great reply; thankyou for sharing that.
Nice to hear that you have found such strong resolution.
It reminds me of a book I read by Charles de Lint.
One character in the book reaches a point of such strong resolution against being abused also.
When I say it is difficult to tell if this is all in my head or not, I mean...
Some people's reactions are passionate and intense.
White American culture is viewed as being cold/cool by some other cultures.
Latino culture is very expressive emotionally, in comparison, for example.
That is just a metaphor for how I have a hard time reading if someone's passionate response is normal, or not.
With the person I am dating, who is passionate, I was confused when they expressed drastic measures for seemingly benign circumstances.
For example, they put it out there, that we may no longer be friends if I did not complete a certain chore.
At the time it just seemed overly-dramatic, yet not anything to fret about.
Only later, when they expressed overly-dramatic sentiments about my seemingly 'dumping them' (which I wasn't/we were dating not in a relationship anyhow) and my being cruel did my hackles go up.
And then, when I addressed the hackle-raising situation, I was told that I was attacking them.
This is when I finally put it all together.
It was like 1 + 1 + 1 = 3.
It takes me time to add things up.
I think I see what I think I see, now.
I appreciate your help...
-C

[Sandb2015]

Thanks Circle, thanks for the validation as well.

I'm' just coming to clarity about the before, present and what I definitely don't want-won't do later with anyone. The present and later have everything to do with my current rs.

I can only use the past as infinite learning material.

It's unfortunate that when I do read so much about others that have moved on , that they have a side effect from having a past rs with a pwBPD, that it appears the filter of looking for symptoms becomes the priority and may prevent a non from actually getting involved with another person, ie, a clean slate new somebody.

I've travelled the world, I live in the NY metro area, I've experienced so many cultures.  I see and understand nuances of cultures, as people, we are the same.

Having said all of that, regardless of my experiences, I won't for one second think that my vast social experiences give me the freedom to categorize or misinterpret the uniqueness of personality to anything else.

Red flags are red flags.  Erratic emotional episodes, seemingly lacking empathy and unwarranted pressures or requests, ultimatums, just to name a few.

God damned right I'm resolute!  I've experienced such highs and lows in my life and all those experiences made me a confident me, flawed, never perfect but always steady legged, heart, mind and spirit.

I was an old sea turtle doing his thing...this rs ripped the turle shell off.  I am gratful for this pain and confusion, it will be a color or colors on my life's mural and I don't regret experiences I am responsible for or others where I ultimately saw a facet of the human experience I may not have experienced.

I'll grow back a better, different one after the pain, confusion and clarity get better which it is at different speeds.

Sorry for waxing philosophical, many times my mind goes there with a certain comfort.

[Circle]

Sandb2015,
By all means, wax philisophically.
I love it, and do so myself a bit.
I am a bit zapped at the moment and don't have much to add.
Much appreciation for your reply...and your solidity of thinking.
It sounds to me like your shell is already growing back.
Thankyou...
And, yeah, ultimatums are manipulation, undoubtedly.
Have a nice weekend,
C