Concerned for my grandchildren

[Sadnana]

This is my first post. My daughter was diagnosed with BPD at 24. However we had been struggling to get any diagnosis since she was 16. She is now almost 27 and has 3 children 2 live with their father and she has custody of the youngest only 8 months. Bio dad not involved. She is now in a relationship with a man that has 4 kids with 2 different woman. I found out about my 3 gc when she was 8 months pregnant the same day I found out my Mom was going to die. She had pancreatic cancer and was admitted to the hospital and died 6 days later. Life has been hell for me. I know that there is not much I can do for her but I worry continuously about my grandchildren.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Sadnana and

You really have been through a lot in the past year, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. You've come to the right place to talk with other people who can relate to your situation. I'm also a grandma, many of us are, and I can really understand the worry. Are you in contact with your grandchildren?

It's good to finally have a diagnosis, though it can be overwhelming - is your daughter accepting of her dx, receiving any treatment?

You are not alone, Sadnana, we get it better than anyone else does. We are here for you and I look forward to getitng to know you better.

~ OH

[Sadnana]

Thank you only human
I am very fortunate that my first 2 gc live with their father and we have a good relationship and he lets us have them for weekend visits and usually an entire week 2 times a year. My daughter has not seen or talked to them in 2 years. At Christmas holidays 2 years ago she had a suicide attempt and was hospitalized her bf the father of my fist 2 gc took the kids and went to live with his parents. He was at his wits end and took the opportunity to get him and the kids out. I know this sounds bad but I don’t blame him. He put his kids first something she never did. She was abusive to my oldest gc and it was only after that we found out to what extent. Of course she blames me for not helping her fight for the kids but in 2 years she has never pursued any of her legal rights not even for supervised visits. I used to rescue her all the time but I have boundaries now. I will not interfere with the father of gc because I am so grateful to have a place in their lives. They love visiting with us. We also would not allow her to move back with us once she was released from hospital and of course she believes that is abandonment, even though she was 24 at the time. She had to go through the system and since she got a proper diagnosis thank god she was able to get disability and her own place. However fear of being alone she moved in a place with a guy from the shelter that she was staying with. That ended with her assaulting him and being charged. Since than there have been 3 or 4 other guys and a pregnancy resulting in gc3. Through all of this we have stayed in constant contact with ups and down. She usually calls me everyday and I keep the conversations light and short I know how to avoid and shift conversations that will go south. She does accept her diagnosis and says she is in therapy however I am not involved. She is very smart and manipulative and knows all the key words to use. Currently my biggest worry is for my baby gc because she has just moved in a man who was recently diagnosed BPD as well who also has 4 children and he wants her to move to a rural area with him. So I know that this relationship will not work and than she will be stranded with nowhere to live. She was very lucky to have the place she is currently in. Also I have a strong suspicion that she is either pregnant or trying to get pregnant which I am not sure I can handle. She knows I disapprove of this current situation and hasn’t called in almost a week which is a record for her which has me worried as well. Sorry this was so long! But it feels good to let it all out so thank you for giving me a place to share!
Sadnana

[Only Human]

I'm glad you found relief in letting it all out, Sadnana, it really does help to talk about it. Long posts are welcomed here, the character limit is 16 thousand! It's understood that many of us have been carrying our troubles alone, those without experience w/BPD simply don't get it. We do.

Oh boy, there is a lot to unpack here, I do understand your worry about your youngest GC, my grandson is 4. You say your daughter's current BF wants her to move to a rural area, is your daughter in agreement? Is there a plan in place?

It's great you have such a cooperative relationship with your grandchildren's father and are able to be part of their lives. Do you have contact with your youngest?

Keep posting here, Sadnana, learn all you can about BPD, and lean on us when you are not strong. My heart goes out to you, you're dealing with so much 

~ OH

[Sadnana]

Thanks again only human
Yes I do have a relationship with my youngest gc he is only 8 months old and so far she has been good with him. As far as her new bf I have been told that he has a 3 bedroom house already but he has pretty much been staying with her. She has resisted so far moving but I have a feeling she is going to move. As far as a plan with DD she never has a plan she is very impulsive. I expressed my concern but I also realize there is nothing I can do she is responsible for her own decisions however I made it clear that if she moves and it doesn’t work out and she has nowhere to go she will not be moving in with us. It will hurts me to even say that but I have to stick to my boundaries and that is a big one. I have learned a lot since her diagnosis of BPD and to be honest it was a relief to finally get a diagnosis so I can do research and slowly try and find the right path or whatever path that works for us. Unfortunately I know that this is a life long journey and will always be difficult some days more than others and as much as I know setting boundaries and sticking by them is the right thing to do for me it certainly isn’t easy and I doubt myself every step of the way along with tremendous guilt and grief for what I wish what could be. I keep trying putting one foot in front of the other but oh boy some of those footsteps feel like they are stuck in cement. I am happy that I found this site to help me continue to learn everything I can. I love my DD but I hate BPD!
Sadnana

[Only Human]

You are right, sticking to your boundaries is key. I do understand the self-doubt. What helped me is to learn that boundaries are linked to our values and are about what we will or will not do, and are not an attempt to change others. You know that she is responsible for her own decisions, yet it is so difficult to stand by and watch our loved ones struggle. Guilt, self-doubt, grief, these are all feelings I and many others have experienced.

We have lots and lots of articles and workshops that help us to stay the course with our adult children and, best of all, other members to talk to. I see that you've jumped into another thread and I'm glad you did - it helps all of us to know that we are not alone.

Wendydarling has posted a video about grief you may find useful. Here's a link:
   
VIDEO | Grief ~ Geoff Warburton, PhD

Members talk about grieving mental illness in a loved one here:

9.02 | Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

It's stormy here and I lost my internet connection twice while typing this out! I'm going to hit POST before the next outage.

~ OH