Where do i start

[Depression = 72% of members]

My younger sister was diagnosed a few years ago.  All started about 28 years ago.  First diagnosed with depression, then maybe bipolar and most recently BPD.
Has been seeing psychologist and psychiatrist recently and almost finishing a DBT course.
Drinks every night.
Went to rehab for 6 weeks last year.
Last trip to psychiatrist last week has increased her meds.
She is awful when she is down.  What can I do to help.

[Mercy@5]

My younger sister was diagnosed a few years ago.  All started about 28 years ago.  First diagnosed with depression, then maybe bipolar and most recently BPD.
Has been seeing psychologist and psychiatrist recently and almost finishing a DBT course.
Drinks every night.
Went to rehab for 6 weeks last year.
Last trip to psychiatrist last week has increased her meds.
She is awful when she is down.  What can I do to help.

[Harri]

Hi Mercy and welcome to the board though i am so sorry you have the need for us.  We can help you and support you as you decide what you want to do.  We get it here as we all have family members with BPD or BPD traits.

You ask what you can do to help.  I am not sure beyond taking care of you and learning about boundaries and other tools that help you and may in turn help your sister.  We have communication tools that can help us communicate more effectively.   Some can help prevent escalation of situations and others are more aimed at protecting yourself.

It is hard to know what to recommend at this point.  I do not want to give you a tone of information about things that do not help. 

How much does your sister drink?  Is her P-doc aware she is drinking with her meds?  How often is she 'down' and what happens when she is?  What are you currently doing to try to help her?

I hope you get comfortable, settle in and read and jump in and post in other threads.  We all pull together and try to support each other here and we all care.

Again

[HappyChappy]

H Mercy@5,

So sorry to hear about your sister, it must be very difficult for you. You can help by better understanding her situation. But be sure to look after your own mental health, as if you're not well you may not be able to help. There are techniques you can learn on here, like S.E.T. or medium chill that will help you get the best out of your sister. Learning these will help. S.E.T. is where you use sympathy empathy and truth when speeking with your sis.

Its good news your sis has done the program, that puts her ahead of many. Feel free to post particular issues, that tends to get more feedback than general request. 

[Mercy@5]

Thanks Harri and Happy Chappy.

I find it hard to use the SET method as last week when I spoke the truth (very kindly) and when she was in a calm state she didnt like what i said and hung up on me and hasnt spoken to me since.

She did "vent" to one of my sisters that I was very invalidating.

I dont know how to get past validating everything that she doing eg drinking while on meds.

Any advice would be appreciated.  Thanks

[Mercy@5]

Harri - to answer your questions:
How much does your sister drink?  - She drinks 2 bottles of sparkling wine every night.
Is her P-doc aware she is drinking with her meds?  I dont think so.
How often is she 'down' and what happens when she is? She is down every week/10 - pushing it if i say two weeks.  When she is 'down' 'struggling' - she says she doesnt care about anyone or anything.  She doesnt go out of the house, watches Netflix, doesnt do any thing for her kids or husband.
What are you currently doing to try to help her?  I attended a 'Family Connections' program for 12 weeks in 2017.  I try and keep in touch with her regularly to see how she is as she says that makes a difference to her.But i havent spoken to her for a week now as the last time i spoke to her I told her if she is drinking then she shouldnt increase her meds (like her psychiatrist asked her to do) and she got upset and said i was invalidating.

[Harri]

Hi.

I find it hard to use the SET method as last week when I spoke the truth (very kindly) and when she was in a calm state she didnt like what i said and hung up on me and hasnt spoken to me since.

How your sister responds to your using SET is not really a good measure of how well it worked.  Yes, she got upset but you were able to change the tone and dynamic between the two of you.  There is value in that.  SET is a tool that gives you a good chance of being heard but works best when combined with other tools.

You mentioned validation.   A lot of people have the wrong idea of what it means and it sounds like your sister may be one of them.  I don't mean that you need to educate her about it though!  When you say

I dont know how to get past validating everything that she doing eg drinking while on meds.

what do you mean?  What does validation look and sound like to you?  Sometimes, there is nothing to validate and the best thing we can do is make sure we don't invalidate Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating Sometimes, members here included, thing that validation means agreeing with and accepting everything someone says and does.  That is not accurate.  Let me know what you think about the article.   

[HappyChappy]

I find it hard to use the SET method as last week when I spoke the truth (very kindly) and when she was in a calm state she didnt like what i said and hung up on me and hasn't spoken to me since.

If my BPD stopped speaking I'd see that as a win. . The Truth aspect relates to the fact a BPD tends to have a very bad reaction to lying. The alternative approach is to be economical with the truth. E.g. do not validate bad behaviour, but chose your fights.

Never forget half the time a BPD kicks off bad behaviour precisely to get attention. Purposefully to get you to say "don't do that" so they can kick of a fight. Kicking things off is their comfort zone, their buz, so the SET is more about damage limitation rather than elimination of bad reactions.

It sounds like you've done all you can so far. A BPD fears abandonment above all, so reassuring her that you'll keep talking to her would help. Maybe knowing this she wouldn't play the waif (with her meds) to get attention ? You can lead a horse to water but we can't get it to drink. Our job is to lead the horse, a BPD is more stubborn than a mule. Its also worth remembering a BPD trains her kids to feel they are never good enough. Maybe train yourself to recognise you've done a good job here. That there is a limit on what we can do. If you keep your Mom in contact with her Drs and her meds, what more can you do ?  

[Mercy@5]

Thank You.  I appreciate your responses.  It is my younger sister who has the BPD.  There has been very minimal contact over the last week.  I feel so bad and guilty and that I am letting her down.  But i am trying to stay strong.  She seems to be reaching out to my other siblings who she normally doesnt talk to as much as she talks to me.  I cant stop thinking about the situation but truthfully i feel better not having to hear the same thing.  I feel for her hubby and two young kids - her daughter who is doing HSC this year and son who is only 13 having to go through this.  I really want to try and be there.

[HappyChappy]

I really want to try and be there.

I should point out I’m dyslexic, so appologies for any inaccuracies. A BPD cares about what the crowd thinks. Speeking as a child of a BPD, it was always worst when I was alone with her. So a simple (even silent) presence will help her kids. Having a hubby around, and also your other sisters around will help. Its fortunate that you can share this with hubby and sisters.  A bit like a tag wrestling team.

If you’re thinking about it a lot, this could be rumination. Which is a symptom of child trauma. It normally goes hand in hand with hypervigilance and a tendency to exaggerate the danger. Could any of this be at play ? If so, the good news is that Therapy can help, CBT typically. Have you considered Therapy ?

From what you say, your sister actually has quiet a bit of support, so does it matter if you take a well earned break to help with your own mental health ? Its often said sometimes "You need to help yourself first, before helping others." If you are ruminating and getting overly anxious, that won't help your sister, let alone yourself. Rumination is your bodies way of saying you have unresolved issues, i.e. the trauma of having a BPD sister. Does any of this sound it may have value  to you ?

[Harri]

How are things going mercy5?

When you say you want to be there for your niece and nephew what does that look like?  Do you spend time with them now?  Take them out, talk on the phone, face time?  Having a loving, validating, healthy adult to turn to who will also provide healthy boundaries will be vital for them.

Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), "people worth BPD traits need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining values and boundaries with firmness and candor".  To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it.

The above quote is taken from this article: The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship You can see it can be a daunting task to support your sister but it has been done.  It is extremely difficult for family members to take on this role.  Boundaries will be vital and are probably what will work best for you.

Are you familiar with them?

[Mercy@5]

Thanks everyone.
 My brother-in-law is currently with my sister in Dandenong Emergency.  She has been absolutely difficult to deal with and keeps telling different things to other siblings. She has been neglecting her kids and I saw them all yesterday and I could see that she was in a bad place and told her she really needs to get some help.  I dont think she likes the fact that her husband has lost his job and all the focus and attention is on him.  She hates him being at home.  She has gone really bad ever since this happened.  Hopefully Dandenong hospital will be able to give her the right treatment she needs.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am sorry to hear about your sister and I too hope they can give her the help she needs or at least open the door to her getting help.

Any news yet?

[HappyChappy]

Mercy@5

Sounds like your sister is in the right place and you've done the right thing. You can't help the fact your sister will get jealous that her husband is getting more attention just now.

Often we get use to playing second fiddle to attention grabbing siblings. So don't forget to be good to yourself. 

[Mercy@5]

She started calling several siblings and friends yesterday morning whilst her hubby was at working signing out and returning his stuff on his last day.  A friend called him and said he needs to get home and when he got home he found her passed on the floor.  She had vomited and was just screaming.  She had finished a bottle of scotch that he had got from his work as a goodbye gift. 
He called the ambulance and they had to sedate her before taking her away.
She is going to be assessed this morning by the psych team.
Friends have been taking care of their kids.