Lazy Eye

[smokyquartz]

All my life I felt like something was wrong, but only recently did it become clear that what was so so deeply wrong was my relationship with my mom.

I am sure you are all not strangers to being insulted, guilted, berated, raged at, or otherwise treated poorly by their uBPD parent. That in itself is a difficult thing to carry. Sometimes a vivid memory will come back to me, and I am overwhelmed with a deep feeling of sadness for little me...and sadness for my mom too.

What I am struggling the most with now is where to put the guilt and the anger... I still talk to my mom and visit with her 1-2 times per year. I moved away 5 years ago, and while my life has dramatically improved gaining independence...that choice seemed to worsen her behaviors and negative feelings towards me. ...Another part of me wonders if the distance just gave me the space to notice them more and identify them as unhealthy.

Another interesting thing about our case is that I developed severe mania several years ago. I have had two manic episodes, but remain stable on medication now. Both times, my symptoms worsened quickly after contact with my mom. During the first episode my delusions included being chained up to the hospital bed by my mother. I could hear chains clanking, and she would come in every now or then to bring me food (that part was actually happening). I also heard babies crying. It felt like what I imagine I might have felt like as a baby. So screwed up... Now, making all these connections is a lot. I wonder — is she the reason I experienced psychosis?

I don’t really talk about the psychosis much, seeing it’s a bit embarrassing, but this seems like a safe place. Thanks for creating that space.

[Harri]

Hi!   

Another part of me wonders if the distance just gave me the space to notice them more and identify them as unhealthy.

It could be a combination of both things.  Time and space where you are not subjected to abuse can open your eyes but also it is possible that her disordered behavior did increase after you moved away.  pwBPD (people with BPD) have a fear of abandonment and she may see your move as abandonment.  Her fears are about her though and you are not responsible for her nor did you cause them or the associated behaviors. 

I wonder — is she the reason I experienced psychosis?

That sounds very scary and I am sorry you had that experience.  I don't know and I am not sure if there is anyway to know for sure if she caused them or made them worse.  How would knowing change things for you?   Did the doctors say what they thought caused them?

I don’t really talk about the psychosis much, seeing it’s a bit embarrassing, but this seems like a safe place. Thanks for creating that space.

This is a very safe place.  We are all dealing with something or another.  I think it takes guts to be upfront with the struggles we have whether they are the result of our childhood or not.  You opening up here makes it easier for others to do so too, so thank you.  Being vulnerable like you chose to be is hard but it is so important.  It also makes more room for others to open up.

[Harri]

Hi again.  Sorry for the double post.

I want to link you to the Survivor to Thriver program we have tacked to the top of the board.  Each item expands when clicked on and gives some really good information that helps me understand what is going on for me and know that I am making progress. 

See what you think.

[smokyquartz]

Truthfully, my doctors haven’t identified the BPD in my mom, but I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 after the episodes of psychosis. My mom never goes to get help for her issues, but mine are always made very big deals.

I only recently identified the emotional abuse I went through as a kid. It was normal to me, it was all I knew. My therapist this year was the first person to point out that my mom might be sick. I never really brought up things about her before in therapy. I always thought I was the one with something wrong.

Thanks for the Survivor to Thriver link. I will definitely check that out. Now that I have access to all these memories...they are flowing freely and it’s hard to know what to do with it all. It makes me really sad for my younger self. I’m happy I moved away, that was probably the best decision of my life.

[Harri]

How are they made a big deal?  Are you the focus of the concern or is it more about others?

Identifying our experiences as abuse later on in life is pretty common.  You are right:  it was all we knew and it was our normal.  I still get taken by surprise when I remember something now and see it through a more realistic lens  Total mind bend.

It is good that the memories are coming back but it can be overwhelming.  Write/post what you want to share.  It is okay to take a break too.  I used to think of it as avoiding my stuff but my current T has finally got it through my head that it is okay to say no, this needs to slow down a bit.

I am glad you found us and I hope you keep sharing.

BTW, I read your post in the memories thread that Libra started.  The title of this thread breaks my heart.  I also happen to be partial to little kids in general and especially little girls with eye patches.  Too.  Freaking.  Cute.  Pirates are just as if not better than beauty queens! 

 

[smokyquartz]

Thank you for your kind words Harri

It’s tough having all the memories I suppressed for so long come flooding back. But, it really does help knowing I am not alone in my experience.

I am having this weird mix of hate and pity towards my mom, and sadness for myself. It’s confusing. That guide has been helpful, but I do feel unsure of what to “do” with all the memories. Part of me wants to write a book.

[Harri]

Writing a book is a good idea.  So is journaling.  One thing I learned in therapy is that while the memories are important, it is the emotions they elicit that need to be accepted and dealt with.

[Turkish]

I only recently identified the emotional abuse I went through as a kid. It was normal to me, it was all I knew.

You don't know what you don't know.  As you observed,  what may be not normal is normal to you,  and you needed an outside voice to help you realize that. 

You're in good company.  Most or all of us have been there 

What was most significant about the emotional abuse? It sounds like it affected you deeply. 

Without going into a long history about myself,  the one incident that stands out in my mind was when my mom was going off on me so badly that I fell to the ground in a seizure. I was 14 or 15 at the time.  I don't remember her smacking me around during that particular episode though she might have been. 

[smokyquartz]

What was most significant about the emotional abuse?

I think the most significant piece was the countless times I was led to believe I was unreasonable for feeling a certain way. Whether that be sad, confused, angry... really any emotion. The insults about myself or my body hurt a lot too, and I am still having trouble not believing them.

One of the weirdest things is, my mom used to read lots of books about dysfunctional families. She used to say “I read them to make my life seem less difficult”. So it seems like she has some awareness that things were or are not right for her. I think I started doing the same to try and feel that way too. It doesn’t really work for me though, because I don’t have the same perspective as she does. She doesn’t try to change things for the better, she just stores things away and never deals with them. I’ve been in therapy since I was 14 and she went to two therapy appointments before quitting and saying it “wasn’t for her”.