How to cut contact with BPD mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

My mother has BPD but she has never been diagnosed. I thought she had been better for 1.5 years, she had depressions but did not try to turn them into horrible fights with me. 4 months ago I and my wife had a baby. My mother visited us for our baby's birth and then left in a few days. Two month ago, she came to the city for 10 days. She was extremely polite and respectful; except sending a text message to me during a drunk night saying that she wished to be a mother of a daughter, because they were so lucky. Of course, she was so jealous of my wife's mother. She left two days earlier than planned, the next evening calling me in a bad mood, then texting like "you are so happy alltogether", "did they like the lasagna" (I told I was cooking lasagna on the phone). I did not respond, and she called and texted for days. I did not answer the calls, and even did not read the text messages (I only saw the first lines and they were horrible enough). As always, my aunts called and told me to call her, that she needed time to recover from being an alchoholic (they never think there is a bigger problem). But this time, I felt different. I felt too tired of years of BPD crises, I felt a bigger anger against her together with childhood memories and I did not respond to her calls and texts. I told my aunts that I would call her if she stops calling and texting. After one and a half months, she stopped for a week and I called her. But in a horrible mood, she said she had to go to the hospital alone, she even went to the psychiatrist and she had mistakes but she was not such a bad person to deserve all these. When told the reason I did not contact was her behaviour she said then I should listen to what my wife's aunt told to her during her visit. I hung up the phone and we did not talk until then. She texts me every day, I still read the first line of the messages: she begs me to help, she calls me a poor creature, she apologizes...
Sometimes I feel so angry, sometimes I feel sorry for her but for a week I feel like I am obligated to do something like a message or conversation to cut contact. I do not want it but I feel obligated. I do not want her in my life, for a long time I just try to prevent a new crisis of anger. During her last visit, I thought like "is that going to be a trigger" for many times. I do not my son to be ever exposed to BPD behaviour. To sum up, I feel definitely better off without her but she is still somehow in my life, by text messages, through the obligation I feel, and by creating a feeling of guilt. I think about sending a message like "mom, I do not want to contact you until you get better, please do not call me or text me". But at the same time, I feel it is going to be useless, and I do not want it.
Do you think I must follow a path to cut contact or I can do that as I feel?
Sorry for the long message, and many thanks for your replies.

[european]

Hi everyone,

My mother has BPD but she has never been diagnosed. I thought she had been better for 1.5 years, she had depressions but did not try to turn them into horrible fights with me. 4 months ago I and my wife had a baby. My mother visited us for our baby's birth and then left in a few days. Two month ago, she came to the city for 10 days. She was extremely polite and respectful; except sending a text message to me during a drunk night saying that she wished to be a mother of a daughter, because they were so lucky. Of course, she was so jealous of my wife's mother. She left two days earlier than planned, the next evening calling me in a bad mood, then texting like "you are so happy alltogether", "did they like the lasagna" (I told I was cooking lasagna on the phone). I did not respond, and she called and texted for days. I did not answer the calls, and even did not read the text messages (I only saw the first lines and they were horrible enough). As always, my aunts called and told me to call her, that she needed time to recover from being an alchoholic (they never think there is a bigger problem). But this time, I felt different. I felt too tired of years of BPD crises, I felt a bigger anger against her together with childhood memories and I did not respond to her calls and texts. I told my aunts that I would call her if she stops calling and texting. After one and a half months, she stopped for a week and I called her. But in a horrible mood, she said she had to go to the hospital alone, she even went to the psychiatrist and she had mistakes but she was not such a bad person to deserve all these. When told the reason I did not contact was her behaviour she said then I should listen to what my wife's aunt told to her during her visit. I hung up the phone and we did not talk until then. She texts me every day, I still read the first line of the messages: she begs me to help, she calls me a poor creature, she apologizes...
Sometimes I feel so angry, sometimes I feel sorry for her but for a week I feel like I am obligated to do something like a message or conversation to cut contact. I do not want it but I feel obligated. I do not want her in my life, for a long time I just try to prevent a new crisis of anger. During her last visit, I thought like "is that going to be a trigger" for many times. I do not my son to be ever exposed to BPD behaviour. To sum up, I feel definitely better off without her but she is still somehow in my life, by text messages, through the obligation I feel, and by creating a feeling of guilt. I think about sending a message like "mom, I do not want to contact you until you get better, please do not call me or text me". But at the same time, I feel it is going to be useless, and I do not want it.
Do you think I must follow a path to cut contact or I can do that as I feel?
Sorry for the long message, and many thanks for your replies.

[zachira]

I am sorry to hear that you are torn about what kind of contact to have if any with your mother with BPD. From your description of recent and past events, it is understandable that you are evaluating what to do next. My mother has BPD and NPD. A few weeks ago, she went on a rampage of calling or leaving messages that were abusive. Her weekly phone calls were always abusive and I was able to politely excuse myself after a couple of minutes. The nearly daily abuse she inflicted on me was too much for my nervous system to handle, and I now only take/make a phone call to her every one to two weeks and delete all the voice mails before listening to them. It was very painful to make the decision to limit contact with my mother in this way, as I would love to be kind to a mother who is in her later years and has at times done many nice things for me. There are many people on this site who have a mother with BPD with whom they have had to limit contact and are here to help you in figuring out what is the best course to take. Keep us posted and let us know we can help.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  As zachira said, there are several of us who either went no contact or limited contact with a parent with BPD or BPD traits.  So you are not alone.

If you are firm in your decision to go no contact, my opinion is that something should be said to your mother.  Otherwise, she could very well continue to try to contact you and enlist other family members to try to do so.  She might do those things even if you tell her but at least you will be clear on what she is doing.  There will be no doubt.

We can help you decide on how you want to tell her.  In general, saying things like I do not want to talk with you until you get better tend not to go over very well.  Imagine being on the receiving end of such a message especially if is is something you are unaware of or even in denial about.  Again though, the choice is yours and we will support you.

[european]

Thank you very much for you support. That means a lot to me.
 Yesterday my aunt called again and tried to convince me by saying "should we let her die" and told my mother had begun taking medication. My mother continues texting everyday.
Yesterday, I felt under a lot of pressure but today I feel better. I am considering starting sessions with my therapist again.
In fact, I feel like texting just "mom, I don't want to talk to you. please don't send me messages", because I am not ready for cutting contact forever right now. Meanwhile I want to work on understanding what I want. Is that some kind of avoidance? Because the feeling that I am doing something wrong makes me nervous.   

[Panda39]

Hi european,

What I'm hearing in your story is a shift from a focus on your mother/family of origin (FOO) to your own nuclear family. To me that is a completely normal and healthy thing to be doing.

Your mother because of her disordered thinking (fear of abandonment) is ratcheting up the pressure on you.  Where there is pressure there is usually FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  This is coming from your mom and your aunts.

More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

How much contact do you currently have with your mom?  Phone calls...visits? 

You don't have to give in to these pressures and demands.  You can set boundaries that can help.

Panda39

[Harri]

In fact, I feel like texting just "mom, I don't want to talk to you. please don't send me messages", because I am not ready for cutting contact forever right now. Meanwhile I want to work on understanding what I want. Is that some kind of avoidance? Because the feeling that I am doing something wrong makes me nervous.

Saying, mom I need a break from texting and then not paying attention to her texts when she continues to do so it fine.  Chances are she will continue to text/call.  You can choose to answer or not.  We are the ones who have to take action and enforce our boundaries.  It won't work as well if we expect them to respect our wishes and requests.

I think working on understanding what you want is healthy.  It is hard to sort through all the emotions and determine what you want after a lifetime of being trained to always put their needs first.  A lot of the guilt can get mixed up with our own internal struggle to overcome years of learned behavior.  doubts, insecurity, second guessing ourself, etc will all come out but it is normal as we try to break our conditioned behavior.  Having people to talk with is good so keep posting here and certainly talk with your therapist.  this is complex and the more support you have the better.

Feeling like we are making the wrong choice are doing something forbidden or whatever is common and perfectly normal in this sort of situation.  We are not just trying to break away from our moms but also the internal strings that tie us to her.

I am glad you reached out.