Part 2: Recently broke up from my BPD and a bit vulnerable

[Supertrouper]

Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334300.0

Ive had a nice day today. Worked and then went for lunch with some friends.

I have started reading DBT skills about radical acceptance, interesting.

I have noticed today how many people say ‘i dont mind’ to me. My friends at lunch said it when we were deciding where to go. My son said it when i gave him a choice for dinner. Another friend who im going out to dinner with tomorrow said it when i asked where she wanted to go.

It do actually like compromise and it annoys me because i dont want to be the one making all the decisions, it would be nice for someone else to do it. . I made all the decisions during my marriage and in the end i got told i was controlling, which i wasnt, its just he couldnt be bothered to make a decision.

I do press my son to make a decision, hopefully help him in the future. My youngest son has no qualms about making his own mind up and what he wants.

My exBPD partner used to say it as well and when pressed he would say it again. Then when we did what i then had to suggest, he whinged about it. So you can see why the phrase could annoy me.

I have had waves of sadness and strength today and i have sat quietly reading tonight. I am exhausted though.

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[Supertrouper]

Omg, just arranging an evening out with another friend for next week and guess what she said when i asked her where to meet, ‘i dont mind’. It made me laugh anyway.

[Supertrouper]

Ive sussed it out what the trigger may have been after reading another post on here how an innocent comment may have started the dsyregulation.

The sat before partner went away, we had a nice day, it was great. On the sunday, we had a nice morning and he was going to get his soup ready to take to the pub. Sundsys to us is always Man Sunday, where he gets a whole day to do what he wants, usually in the pub, and i dont disturb Man Sunday. I remember he asked me twice, that i could come to Man Sunday, if i wanted, to try his soup. I said no, its man sunday, thats your day. I do other things like visit my parents anyway. Did he feel rejected? Because that was the day he devalued me to his ftiends, who defended me, and then he came to my house drunk.

I asked him if he would let me have some soup. He bought it round on the mon before he went away and he said he didnt realise i would be home and would have left it on the doorstep. He was a bit off but we had a hug. On the tues, we talked because his plane was delayed and he wasnt sure when he would be getting to the hotel and i remember him asking, i suppose i would be asleep when he got in, it would have been about 1am, do i said yes. Then in the sun he was offish? Would the soup thing on the sun be trigger, because i really have been lost to know what it could be. With his isolated job, his dsyregulation just escalated.

I am still trying yo find out reasons for this episode because to me it csme from nowhere.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, just writing, it helps me.

I have been good today, a little quiet at times, feeling a little stronger at times, obviously confused about my BPD ex and what will happen in the future, and obviously the main dream as im sure everyone is the same, we will get back together, he will get help and i will support in all the way, as i would, and wed live a happy life, because we are genuinely good people. I can hope!

The xmas thing still bugs me, i will let it go, once i have found as many scenarios for it, that still dont fit, i know i will. However, i just cant get the thought out off my mind, that he manipulated it all. If he knows and has expressed that xmas is difficult for him and him not getting any gifts would upset him,  why did he suggest no presents. HE KNEW THIS WOULD UPSET HIM. So why? Self-sabotage? Its like he wanted to make himself upset and that he knew that this would upset him.  Were things going so well, that he had to sabotage it?  Is it possible for them to plan it like that?

Anyway now off to meal with a friend.

[once removed]

Does anyone have guidelines on what else i could be reading right now?

it really depends. are you thinking about getting back together?

Did he feel rejected?

possibly. i think the breakup and the state of things right now are a much bigger picture, though. there have been multiple make up break up cycles (those do damage over time), it sounds like the two of you dont always read each other or communicate very well. it may have all just come to a head.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, communication is the issue, on both sides.

I would like to get back together at some point, but i need to be stronger, but im not sure he would. Im really not sure how to go about that. I would be ok with either way. However, i would need to at least try and get some help for his emotions.

[once removed]

have you worked through any of the communication tools here?

[Supertrouper]

I started to use SET but thats all. I practiced on my son as well because he isnt a good communicator.  I used them on partner but he was not always in a place where he would ‘hear’.

[once removed]

i find the effect of SET to work best in very particular situations. i use it most if im in a difficult back and forth, and someone is really mad at me, and needs me to hear them.

learning not to JADE is probably the easiest place to start. personally its easier for me to get the hang of the donts before i get a hang of the dos. have you heard about JADE?

[Supertrouper]

I actually was uding JADE as most of the time his moods didnt get to me but once hed stopped mooding, then i wanted to try SET but he just wasnt hearing me.

[Supertrouper]

And some of the time when i didnt JADE, then after hed stop his behaviour, i then didnt know what to say. I need to know what he is trying to tell me because that is the main problem for me, as he is trying to tell me something, but he is doing it in such a confusing way, i dont know what he is trying to tell me.

[Supertrouper]

Ultimately i just want us to stop hurting each other.

[Supertrouper]

A nice quiet morning, just getting ready to go out.

I have kept going, tried to relax about what has happened and relax my thoughts. I have found just sitting very quietly has worked for me.

I have read up on radical acceptance. I think i was always aware of what i was in control of, ie myself, from a long time ago, and that i cannot control the reactions of others. I am practiced at letting go and sorting my emotions out. However, i am obviously not so good at letting go and keeping my emotions in check within a difficult moment.

With the situation that brought to an end our relationship, i knew i was fine with what he was saying up to that point where he threw that curve ball of twisted reality. That was new. My then letting go of it, wouldnt let it go. Not lying is a massive value to me, and my irrational brain then forgot he had an illness. Im still trying to work out why i reacted like i did to end the relationship because thats not what i really wanted to do.

I am reading the communication skills and think unknowingly i used DEARMAN with my exBPD about tonight and my friends party.  I will continue to keep reading these.

I know that there needs to be space for both of us. However, there does need to be some entry in to communication at some point. When should that be? Should it be me who initiates it, he usually expects me too but a different situation at the moment.

I am aware that my strong nature has depleted somewhat over the last three years, so i need to increase that, as i was codependent before with my exh and i could see myself slipping back into it with my exBPD, and that is not really me.

[once removed]

listening is perhaps the most important part of communicating with our loved ones. i dont know about you, but i had a tendency to talk at my ex, to try to break through, to get her to see my perspective, or just to get her to see that she was wrong.

this is a really great place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

and this quick 3 minute lesson on ending conflict is one of my favorites: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

i think when we can master those things, communication gets a lot easier.

However, there does need to be some entry in to communication at some point. When should that be? Should it be me who initiates it, he usually expects me too but a different situation at the moment.

its hard to say. if i recall, the last thing he said was about not contacting him, do i have that right?

[Supertrouper]

I did listen and kept quiet most of the time when he was talking or ranting. When it was my turn and he would even ask me sometimes if i had something to say, but then there would always be a reason why he wouldnt want me to speak, he was tired etc.

His last words were ‘im not really interested in you anymore, delete my number’, then he put the phone down. He wasnt smgry whrn he said it.

[once removed]

there are a lot more components to listening than physically hearing someone. to listen with empathy and understand what a person is saying, and not just where they are coming from, but why, is a skill that takes practice.

things like that do get said in situations like this.

it might be worth the effort to make that first move and reach out, once (obviously you wouldnt want to continue if he shut it down). give it some thought, think it through, make sure it would be something you are ready to do, if you do.

[Supertrouper]

Whatever would i say.

[once removed]

depends on what you want to do.

if you want to get back together, i would be gentle, accessible, and set aside who is in the right or wrong.

if youre not sure, then i might hold off a bit longer.

[Supertrouper]

Is it possible to change the situation if we got back together with these guidelines, if i follow them through. Can i affect any change in him by my actions to seek help for his condition? That is my concern, because most of the time i can handle him but i can see if he does not get any help, in any form, that i will have done the changes just for myself and not to help the relationship. Did that make sense?

[Supertrouper]

Hi, i had a lovely night out with my friends for the 50th birthday party. They are great friends and we all said last night how we were lucky how we all seem to get along, which is nice. They were initially friends of my exBPD, some of them anyway and still are in some degree, however they have tended to look after me more when he becomes dsyregulated, so they dont speak much now, which is a shame. I think the incident in the pub three years ago affected them in their friendship towards him.

They obviously asked about what had happened and i just said he had gone into one of his ‘moods’ and i just needed to leave. I said i was fine, and i am. However, i got a bit teary when i got asked too many times, they were kind though, and changed the subject. Nice to have friends like that. Anyway a good night and a little bit of a sore head this morning.

I have been reading around the posts and i have been reflecting. I do still love my exBPD and i know that he has a mental health issue. I have asked myself why do i want to go back into that relationship honestly. Its not about missing him and selfishly im not at the moment, i am loving the calm,  i dont miss him dsyregulsted but i do miss him when he is calm.  But because i know that there is a good person in him that does love me or thinks he does and that person is kind, wants to support me and is wanting to be loved back, thats one reason that i want to go back in.

A reason for me not wanting to go back is not because of the ‘demon’ inside him that is messing around with that good person inside. I can mostly deal with the demon but i do wish it would go away and do one. But the reason is because i dont think my exBPD will seek help and if i do all the work of trying to make the relationship work, 100% effort, and he does nothing, im just going to get exhausted.

So, i have reached the conclusion, i do want to go back to it, if he wants to of course, but it has to be at 50% effort on both sides of improving the communication and emotions of us both. If he is not willing to do that, then i will walk away. There needs to be a change.

So i have thought of what i might text him and i am prepared for anger or no response;  ‘ I am sorry that events have led us so that we are not talking to each other. I do love you and care about you and hope that we can be friends again one day.’  Might need a bit of tweeking. What do you think?

[Supertrouper]

Ok, so i sent a text: hi, im not sure what i can say to make things better. I do care and miss that we are not talking to each other. I hope one day we can be friends again, when you are ready.

He just texted: Im not ignoring you. Im not sure how to respond.

So i will leave it to him.

Any thoughts?

[Supertrouper]

I think this is his ‘detached protector’ mode, as he talks and texts with no emotions and i have seen and heard it before. This is a horrible phase for me to listen to and i know it must be a lonely, horrible place for him, not feeling very much.

I usually leave him be in this phase. Any ideas of what i should do or if i answer or continue to leave him be.

[once removed]

I think this is his ‘detached protector’ mode

it sounds like you two are both in a similar place. not sure what to say or do.

it seems to me you could leave him be, or you could further what youre trying to accomplish. he responded. the ball is really in your court.

[Supertrouper]

The ball is in my court but his message meant to me give me some space to work out a response. Did i read that wrong? Or does he need me to help him respond? His response doesnt really explain.

[once removed]

Did i read that wrong?

not necessarily.

in a previous post you mention you want to get back together.

in the note that you sent him, you say "i hope we can be friends some day".

personally, i would interpret that as your commitment to the breakup, and that maybe, maybe not, at some point, you might want to talk. i wouldnt know what to say to that, and i wouldnt really pursue it any further.

his note is, more or less, what id have responded with based on that perception.

[Supertrouper]

Ok, you think my text says that i still want to be apart from him. So what you are saying is that he doesnt want to be just friends and still feels rejected and he doesnt want to say he just wants to be friends and talk at some point because he wants to be something more and wants to talk.

Perception is difficult, his message read something completely different to me. Im at a loss what to do now in how to approach him.

[once removed]

So what you are saying is that he doesnt want to be just friends and still feels rejected and he doesnt want to say he just wants to be friends and talk at some point because he wants to be something more and wants to talk.

no. im saying he said what he meant, and meant what he said, and that i wouldnt gamble on waiting for him to say more.

Im at a loss what to do now in how to approach him.

its an awkward situation. you dont want to stick your neck on the line too much. at the same time, hes not going to be vulnerable if you arent.

why not say something about being sorry about all the fighting, and see where he takes that?

[Supertrouper]

Ok. So i texted:

Hi, i can understand why you would be unsure, i would be too. Im just sorry that our arguing has pushed us apart.

He is on his way to work now, away for two weeks, so i might not get a response soon.

[Supertrouper]

No response yet.  Not sure the text was great anyway, i hate texting, doesnt say what you want it to say. He is probably more  confused and unsure than ever.

[Supertrouper]

What to do now. I dont think he knows what i am on about at all. Hes always told me to be more direct and blunt and i feel im just beating around the bush. Or is his vulnerability showing in his not responding. I know he is probably exhausted so i dont want to push it too much.

I am starting to be less anxious about the situation, doing mindfulness exercises and reading about radical acceptance has helped so i can get on with life.