Best Friend/Roommate with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have been living with my best friend in college for the past 3 years. I have lost many friends because of it and have always put my mental health on the back burner to take care of her. She grew up with a verbally abusive, alcoholic mom and dated a verbally, physically, and sexually abusive boy in high school. I've always been okay with taking care of her because she's been through so much and has always been a good friend to me. However, this year I can't help but notice how much she's changed. After reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", I couldn't be more convinced that she has or is developing BPD. A couple days ago my other roommate (who my friend has decided hates her for no clear reason) tried to talk about why she felt this way and my friend absolutely lost it. She went into a rage of screaming and crying and locked herself in her bathroom. She tried to text me and I want to maintain both friendships so I responded with "I'm confused as to why this all happened, I love you both so much and I don't know what to do but I want to help". Apparently that to her was me saying that I don't want to deal with her and am choosing my other roommate over her. She immediately started attacking me and claiming these things while the whole time I was trying to say how much I love her and how I want to help and she just kept saying "Well I'm so hurt by you and guess I'm just a horrible person that no one can get along with and this is all my fault so I'm done with you, you two enjoy each other." The day after I tried to be calm and kind and offered to drive her to class and not only would she not make eye contact with me and will hardly respond with any words to me at all, but she's also now treating my boyfriend the same way even though he wasn't involved at all. My other roommate immediately flew home last minute multiple states away while my friend has been going out and partying every night and I haven't felt safe or comfortable sleeping in my own home. I want to be there for her but I refuse to lose any more friendships because of her and I refuse to apologize to her when I did nothing wrong. Currently she's not speaking to me, telling everyone I'm a horrible friend or lying about the fact that she and I even talked at all, and acting like a hurt puppy dog when I am around. I don't know what to do. I need help to get through these next few months living with her because she pushes me away and expects me to fight for her and I won't do that. I feel uncomfortable and unsafe in my own home, my heart is always racing, I'm always shaking, and my own and anxiety and depression are taking major hits that in turn are affecting my own romantic relationship with my boyfriend. If anyone has any advice about how to proceed from here that would be amazing because I am DESPERATE and can't keep living like this.

[confused1028]

I have been living with my best friend in college for the past 3 years. I have lost many friends because of it and have always put my mental health on the back burner to take care of her. She grew up with a verbally abusive, alcoholic mom and dated a verbally, physically, and sexually abusive boy in high school. I've always been okay with taking care of her because she's been through so much and has always been a good friend to me. However, this year I can't help but notice how much she's changed. After reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", I couldn't be more convinced that she has or is developing BPD. A couple days ago my other roommate (who my friend has decided hates her for no clear reason) tried to talk about why she felt this way and my friend absolutely lost it. She went into a rage of screaming and crying and locked herself in her bathroom. She tried to text me and I want to maintain both friendships so I responded with "I'm confused as to why this all happened, I love you both so much and I don't know what to do but I want to help". Apparently that to her was me saying that I don't want to deal with her and am choosing my other roommate over her. She immediately started attacking me and claiming these things while the whole time I was trying to say how much I love her and how I want to help and she just kept saying "Well I'm so hurt by you and guess I'm just a horrible person that no one can get along with and this is all my fault so I'm done with you, you two enjoy each other." The day after I tried to be calm and kind and offered to drive her to class and not only would she not make eye contact with me and will hardly respond with any words to me at all, but she's also now treating my boyfriend the same way even though he wasn't involved at all. My other roommate immediately flew home last minute multiple states away while my friend has been going out and partying every night and I haven't felt safe or comfortable sleeping in my own home. I want to be there for her but I refuse to lose any more friendships because of her and I refuse to apologize to her when I did nothing wrong. Currently she's not speaking to me, telling everyone I'm a horrible friend or lying about the fact that she and I even talked at all, and acting like a hurt puppy dog when I am around. I don't know what to do. I need help to get through these next few months living with her because she pushes me away and expects me to fight for her and I won't do that. I feel uncomfortable and unsafe in my own home, my heart is always racing, I'm always shaking, and my own and anxiety and depression are taking major hits that in turn are affecting my own romantic relationship with my boyfriend. If anyone has any advice about how to proceed from here that would be amazing because I am DESPERATE and can't keep living like this.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am so sorry for what brings you here but am happy that you are reaching out and talking about this.

Living with someone with BPD or BPD traits is very hard and stressful for so many of us.

What is the situation that causes you to keep her as a roommate?  Is it because you want to help her or financial, or something else?  You mentioned getting through the next few months.  What happens after?  I ask just to get a better idea of your situation.

It sounds like you do a lot to help her out and take care of her.  Is that something you want to continue with?  Do you feel obligated? 

We do have tools and communication strategies that can help improve things over time.  I think the most important is having good strong boundaries based on your value system, whatever that may be.  So for example, if you value respectful communication and she is putting you down, what action can you take to protect yourself?  Boundaries in conjunction with some of the other tools we offer can be very powerful.  What sort of boundaries do you have?

Talk with us some more and lets see what strategies we an come up with.

As an aside, I had a difficult roommate for about 9 months.  Not as long as you have been dealing with thankfully.  It was still difficult and at the end I too did not feel safe in my own home.  What behaviors or words does she use that make you feel unsafe? 

I want to be there for her but I refuse to lose any more friendships because of her and I refuse to apologize to her when I did nothing wrong.

Good.  apologizing when you did nothing wrong is degrading and also fuels their disordered behavior.  We can help you with that too.

Please share more and I hope you settle in and get comfortable and jump into other threads.  We all support and encourage each other here and we are all working on similar issues regardless of the type of relationship.

Again,

[JNChell]

Hi confused1028.   Welcome to bpdfamily. This sounds like a taxing situation. Your friend/roommate of concern is causing you hurt and costing you other friendships. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You live with her. What to do?

The first thing that I’ll say is that you’re not responsible for her or her feelings. It sounds like she is placing these burdens on you. She’s been talking badly about you to others. This sounds like triangulation, which is a common occurrence amongst manipulative/abusive people. It’s how they hide shame that they can’t handle. Here’s a link to help you better understand.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I’ll be blunt here. It’s not ok to feel unsafe in your own home. Home should equal comfort. Do you agree with that?

Harri has asked some very solid questions. I’m curious to hear back from you.

Your generosity and loyalty are clear. You genuinely care about your friend. That’s commendable. It really is. What would you like to see happen? Do you want to manage the friendship, or do you want to figure out a way out of it?

I’m glad you posted. This is a safe place that gets what you’re going through. We’re glad that you’re here.  

[confused1028]

Thank you both so much, I'm sure you know how amazing it feels to have someone understand!

To answer your questions, I'm keeping her as a roommate because I've signed a lease that I cannot get out of and cannot pay rent for two separate places. We will both be graduating in May and then will officially move out and I'll be moving back home to another state 1,000 miles away so I really just need to get through this short time left.

I do want to continue to help her and feel obligated to take care of her because I do love her and don't blame her for the mental health struggles she's having but when she pushes me away and has such a false sense of reality I don't know how to help.

Some boundaries that I have been thinking about is definitely respectful communication meaning I won't try and fight to talk with her if she is shutting me down and pushing me away. I also would like to be as uninvolved in dealing with situations involving her and someone else I care about. I am trying my best to stay as neutral as possible and not take sides because I want to be as good of a friend as I can to both people and I can't honestly agree with her side of things. She has been claiming that my other roommate hates her and shuts her down and tries to make her life miserable but all the examples she's used that I was there to witness are completely false. Her feelings are not invalid however I can't tell her that she's right either.

In terms of feeling unsafe, whenever she gets into her rages afterwards she'll revisit texts she's sent and claim she doesn't remember sending them. She's told me that whenever she's that upset she "blacks out" and doesn't remember a lot of it. She has never acted on this or physically threatened me but I'm a small female and don't know what she could be capable of if pushed to those limits. I don't like thinking like that but it's something that both my other roommate and my mom have brought up so I keep my guard up and my door locked just to be prepared. I agree that I should feel safe in my own home and there is no immediate threat, but I could see it being a possibility.

I would like to be able to manage our friendship because we share all of the same friends, will have to be living across the hall from each other for the next few months, and have a couple group trips planned together so I would like that to be as pleasant as possible. I don't want any of us to be miserable in our own home.

[Harri]

Okay, so we can work with this I think.  

Staying out of the conflict with your two roommates is great but can be difficult.  It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of what is going on there but I want to give you this link anyway Escaping Conflict:  The Karpman Drama Triangle which has some really good information.  Learning to get to the center of the drama triangle is one of the most powerful things we can do and the effects are positive for everyone.  See what you think.

In terms of feeling unsafe, whenever she gets into her rages afterwards she'll revisit texts she's sent and claim she doesn't remember sending them.

Yeah, this is scary to hear and to know you live with someone who can do that.  More objectively, and I am not trying to minimize your concern at all, some (most?) of her not remembering may be due to the impulsiveness of the disorder.  BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation and as such the person becomes overwhelmed by their emotions and acts/speaks/texts impulsively.   Some of it may be denial too.  pwBPD (people with BPD) and even people without BPD can have a hard time accepting that they can act in less than healthy ways and will often deny things happened even though we know they did.  I would still be cautious however especially because it is more important that you feel safe and comfortable.  My former roommate did that too.  I could never tell if is was related to her being drunk or not though.  

She has been claiming that my other roommate hates her and shuts her down and tries to make her life miserable but all the examples she's used that I was there to witness are completely false. Her feelings are not invalid however I can't tell her that she's right either.

Often, validating the feelings does a lot of good in terms of deescalating behaviors which is a benefit to both parties.  So you could say something like:  "I would not like feeling that someone is trying to shut me down and hates me either.  That is a lot to deal with".   You are not validating what she says but rather the feelings which you already know are valid.  sometimes there is nothing you can validate but when there is, validating can also be powerful.  When we can't validate something sometimes the best we can do is stop invalidating them.  Often times we say  thing that are meant to reassure them but are in fact interpreted as being invalidated.  An example would be "You hate me and always try to shut me down" answered with "I don't hate you and I always listen to you".  <---- Invalidating to the person because it says nothing about how they feel.  For people with BPD feelings = facts.   We have another great article here:  Don't be invalidating that can help a great deal.

See what you think.

[JNChell]

It’s good that you’re clear on your intentions. You want to manage the friendship. There are tools that you’ll need to learn to be able to do this. One will be setting healthy boundaries. Here’s a link to a helpful article.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Marinate in that for a while and let us know how you feel. There’s much more to managing a relationship with a difficult person, but there’s no help in piling it on you all at once. It’s a process.

I’d like to suggest to you to do some reading on the Bettering a Relationship and Conflicted or Just Tolerating boards. Most of what you’ll read has to do with romantic relationships, but they will give you an idea of what it’s like to care take a pwBPD.

[confused1028]

The article about the drama triangle described this situation perfectly! It really helps seeing that it's okay to not be the rescuer because this whole time I've felt so guilty for not apologizing and trying to better things.

I completely agree with the "not remembering" side of things as potentially just being denial. It is comforting to know that it's possible she might not be as out of control of her actions as it seems, to the point that she would act so far out of character, but I will still be cautious.

I read about trying to validate the feelings of and repeat back to the BPD what they're saying to show that I am truly listening and to not further shut them down. I have been guilty of that in the past and will move forward with that in mind!

I will read these other articles as well because they look extremely helpful. Thank you all so much.

My final question for now is where do I go from here? My last message to her in the heat of our argument was "I don't want you to hurt and I want to help, (this is where I'll be) if you want to talk or not talk and just get away from the house" to which she  responded something like "well it's all my fault apparently and I am hurt so I guess I'm just a horrible person" to which I didn't respond. Prior I had also gone home and knocked on her door and said "we don't have to talk but I love you and care about you and want to make sure that your safe and let you know that I'm here for you" and she didn't respond to me and kept her door locked. Since the rage when I have seen her I have acknowledged her and been kind and asked her questions about her day never bringing up the situation and like I said previously she half the time won't speak back to me and won't look me in the eye which happened a couple hours ago. So from here do I approach her and try and talk about things to reconcile or do I just continue on with my life, being kind when I see her, but waiting for her to come to me? Or something different?

[Harri]

It is good to know our words helped!  We have a lot more articles and learning to implement the principles of the escaping conflict article can take some practice as does boundaries and don't invalidate so I hope you stick around.  Posting and reading here really helps to see especially when people post about using the tools.

As for what to do now... well, I would give her time and space to settle back down and return to baseline.  Having a conversation with her when she is so upset will usually not get you anywhere good or healthy.  You don't want to put yourself back in the position of being her emotional regulator or punching bag right?

[once removed]

So from here do I approach her and try and talk about things to reconcile or do I just continue on with my life, being kind when I see her, but waiting for her to come to me? Or something different?

i think what you wrote here is a good approach:

I won't try and fight to talk with her if she is shutting me down and pushing me away.

a lot of the time, our loved ones simply need the space to self soothe, without relying on us to do it for them, or without us escalating matters.

helping your friend is a fine line to walk between being caring, and overstepping. you dont need to distance. but neither will telling her, repeatedly, "i dont hate you" get you very far. i would give space, and i would be polite carry on (mostly) as normal, no more, no less. i would also not take any bait that she might throw out between now and then, like if say, she gets passive aggressive, or accuses you of hating her. the fundamental thing about the karpman drama triangle is to pivot with a mature response.

[JNChell]

Hi again, confused1028. I’ve taken a break from posting, but I wanted to check in and see how you were doing.

helping your friend is a fine line to walk between being caring, and overstepping. you dont need to distance. but neither will telling her, repeatedly, "i dont hate you" get you very far. i would give space, and i would be polite carry on (mostly) as normal, no more, no less. i would also not take any bait that she might throw out between now and then, like if say, she gets passive aggressive, or accuses you of hating her. the fundamental thing about the karpman drama triangle is to pivot with a mature response.

once removed has given some solid insight here. What are your thoughts on this?

Do you hope to stay in the friendship past May?