when trying to understand is not enough/too much

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone.

I need to vent over this little "quirk" I have that I thought was not a big deal but I have increasingly realized it gets on people's nerves.

It seems I'm unable to say an opinion about my understanding of someone else (ideas, behavior, whatever) without it seeming like I'm "stating them as fact" , which obviously gets people offended because I am putting words in their mouth.

Imagine something like this scene from sherlock holmes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=388-rOzD9SM&t=120s

He got it wrong on the "why she broke the engagement" and got a glass of wine to his face for it, I feel like that when things like these happen.

Now, I'm no sherlock though I do try my best to understand, but sometimes I'll get it wrong or state a "hunch", opinion or impression of a situation or a person in a way that's apparently not entirely "appropriate".

Unfortunately people end up taking offense when I don't mean any, which is a problem.

Anyway, if I get it wrong I understand I get to be corrected, and I do listen and try to get it right, but it seems like I've done them a big personal foul from the way people react to it.

I feel like I have to be overly cautious about how people are going to react to what I say, which I don't like. Sort of like "you get to have your opinion/impression of people, but you can't say anything or we'll be mad at you".

Am I missing something that's obvious to the rest of us?

[itsmeSnap]

Hello everyone.

I need to vent over this little "quirk" I have that I thought was not a big deal but I have increasingly realized it gets on people's nerves.

It seems I'm unable to say an opinion about my understanding of someone else (ideas, behavior, whatever) without it seeming like I'm "stating them as fact" , which obviously gets people offended because I am putting words in their mouth.

Imagine something like this scene from sherlock holmes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=388-rOzD9SM&t=120s

He got it wrong on the "why she broke the engagement" and got a glass of wine to his face for it, I feel like that when things like these happen.

Now, I'm no sherlock though I do try my best to understand, but sometimes I'll get it wrong or state a "hunch", opinion or impression of a situation or a person in a way that's apparently not entirely "appropriate".

Unfortunately people end up taking offense when I don't mean any, which is a problem.

Anyway, if I get it wrong I understand I get to be corrected, and I do listen and try to get it right, but it seems like I've done them a big personal foul from the way people react to it.

I feel like I have to be overly cautious about how people are going to react to what I say, which I don't like. Sort of like "you get to have your opinion/impression of people, but you can't say anything or we'll be mad at you".

Am I missing something that's obvious to the rest of us?

[Insom]

Hi, itsmeSnap.  I can relate with this "quirk" because it's something I've also done and learned not to do because people experience it as invalidating whether you hit the nail on the head or not.

It seems I'm unable to say an opinion about my understanding of someone else

It sounds like you're pretty perceptive.  What do you get out of stating an opinion about what you understand about someone?  How do you feel when you do it?  What's the goal?

[itsmeSnap]

Hey insom

Its odd because its when I'm most comfortable, just speaking my mind as is that this happens, and it takes all that away and I have to be "careful" around people.

people experience it as invalidating whether you hit the nail on the head or not

When I hear someone's opinion (of me or otherwise) I feel a bit of relief because the "uncertainty" is gone, I now know, guesswork goes out the window. Its kinda liberating.

Saying my opinion as is also feels that way, like I'm cutting to the chase so others get what is my head straight up.

If people assume that I have other motives then I understand why they would feel that way, but if thats not the case then what? Either I keep doing it because I'm entitled to my opinion and get people mad or I have to shut up and just "spectate", unable to participate.

Or just tell some people, trusted people that will " keep the secret", but I feel like that's like having your fly open: its visible, people notice, you're supposed to not say anything because the person "would feel awkward". I only get to tell my friend or my partner, only with people I can feel truly comfortable with.

I don't know, maybe I'm more like a friend that goes straight to the fridge when he comes visit your house and walks around in their underwear because "he's comfortable around you"?

[Insom]

Would it be fair to say it feels frustrating to not be able to freely express your thoughts and opinions about others to them without offending them?

Either I keep doing it because I'm entitled to my opinion and get people mad or I have to shut up and just "spectate", unable to participate.

It sounds like you're viewing the situation in black and white terms.  How would you feel about working on your communication skills so you get to participate more without offending?

When I hear someone's opinion (of me or otherwise) I feel a bit of relief because the "uncertainty" is gone, I now know, guesswork goes out the window. Its kinda liberating.

I hear you.  And based on the feedback you're getting it appears other people don't feel the same as you on this.  Can you imagine a scenario to help you relate more with what they're feeling? 

[itsmeSnap]

Can you imagine a scenario to help you relate more with what they're feeling?

I can think of one:

My dad has almost certainly BPD (undiagnosed professionally), he would chat with the market lady when we go grocery buying. He does this "I'm a victim of my family" plight, were we never help him and he has to do everything himself (even grocery shopping) because nobody cares for him. That's not the case, he wouldn't let us do anything or get angry because the way we do it "is not the way things are done".

Now, I understand that he has twisted thoughts, I know him literally all my life and even my mom had stories from were we were younger, so it doesn't bother me; the market lady doesn't know him really and takes it at face value from dad, so we're the "bad sons" when we go shopping there ourselves.

She never says it outright, but its always some form of "take care of your dad" comment with a bit of a condescending tone.

Anyway, I guess that's what happens here? when I comment something and it doesn't match their perception of themselves it causes that "dissonance". I admit I can get it wrong, but I heard someone recently say "Its understandable that people have a negative opinion of you, but it takes some nerve to actually say it" or something like that.

Maybe they (want to?) see themselves in a different light than they portray (or that I perceive/express) and that's were the clash happens?

I guess it doesn't really bother me to hear these sort of "incorrect" things because years of practice from dad saying this kind of stuff, it eventually just rubs off and doesn't stick, but others take it to heart and hold on to it.

How would you feel about working on your communication skills so you get to participate more without offending?

This is what I mean when I said "I have to be careful around people".

I can definitely do it, but now I have to be on the lookout for that "comfort feel" around others to stop me from blurting out some "terrible attack on them" without realizing, which is sort of "not being comfortable" around them really.

The point is, they are not as comfortable with me as I am with them maybe, I can understand that, that just means (maybe another b/w thing) I give up my "comfort initiative" to them. Nothing wrong with that really, but its annoying to have to constantly push the brakes when I'd really like to just cruise along those rolling hills of interactions you know?

I've had enough "being careful about what I said/did so I don't anger them" from my dad, maybe that's why this bothers me and why I overcompensate on this one.