How to deal with shame when rejected/abandoned? Part 2

[mitti]

Mod note: This is a continuation of the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334364.0

what does this look, practically? what steps do you take to commit yourself?

Not necessarily what I do, but what I feel, that I trust it. I have talked about this in T. But yes, sometimes it happens when I fall back into co-dependency but not always.

In the r/s with my BPDex it happened when I started talking about commitment such as moving in together, which he had already been talking about for months. By then I had already seen his dysregulations and tantrums but he had never really pushed me away until I started talking about the future. This was the end of the honeymoon phase.

In this r/s it was a little different. This was early on. I was feeling that he was seriously interested in me and wanting our connection to lead to something solid, and then the day after he said something that felt contradictory to that. I pulled back and he then pulled way back. So I guess a kind of chain reaction.

[mitti]

Right, that's what I meant.  It sounds like you have felt pressure and/or need to second guess your every move, which gets exhausting after a while.  The goal, I would suggest, is to be your authentic self in a r/s, which reduces the need for second guessing.  It sounds easy, I know, but takes practice to get the hang of it.

LJ

You are so right, and now in hindsight I see this is what I did wrong with this guy. It becomes super scary for me to be authentic once the other person has shown this back and forth behaviour. It feels so sad to have to practice bc I wonder how many r/s have to go down the drain before I get the hang of it.

[once removed]

reading the other person in terms of the relationship is really important, and hard, at the same time. i know historically i wasnt great at it.

if this is happening around, lets say 3 months in, a lot of it could be the natural dissolution of a relationship.

i guess what im wondering is this:

a lot of us have approaches that i would liken to "bad manners" when it comes to dating. stuff that doesnt really reflect who we are, or make us fundamentally flawed people or anything, but stuff that might push people away, that we want to unlearn. historically, a big one of mine was way over pursuing. a girl would like me, but id just come on way too strong, too heavy. if she backed off, i might press further.

do you think theres anything like that?

[Lucky Jim]

It becomes super scary for me to be authentic once the other person has shown this back and forth behaviour. It feels so sad to have to practice bc I wonder how many r/s have to go down the drain before I get the hang of it.

Don't worry; it's easy.  Just be yourself and go on from there.  If you get lost in the process, your compass is your core, your true self.  When in doubt, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Does that sound do-able?

LJ

[mitti]

i guess what im wondering is this:

a lot of us have approaches that i would liken to "bad manners" when it comes to dating. stuff that doesnt really reflect who we are, or make us fundamentally flawed people or anything, but stuff that might push people away, that we want to unlearn. historically, a big one of mine was way over pursuing. a girl would like me, but id just come on way too strong, too heavy. if she backed off, i might press further.

do you think theres anything like that?

Thank you for asking me this question bc it got me thinking back and taking a closer look at this situation.

So where this first went south was very early on. He invited me to visit him and the following day we were going to look at suitable dates together, but though we texted that day he didn't call and so when I asked about when we would talk he said he had been invited to a game with some new friends so he didn't have time.

So what happened for me was that I felt that he had lost some interest in me. In the r/s with my BPDex I ended up playing 2nd fiddle to basically everything and I was determined to not let myself be treated that way again. So it became very important that I not inadvertently give this man any signs that I would allow myself to be taken for granted or treated without respect. And I also felt I had to do that straight away so as to avoid falling back into that pattern. I realize now that I overreacted. He had not known about the game the day before. Had this been now I would have just said to have a good time and that we talk the following day.

But instead I called him and reminded him that we had made plans to talk that day. He asked me to understand about his busy life. He also told me that he is in contact with a woman he had been out with a few times and wanted for me to know this before I come to see him. This was totally unexpected and came as a shock. I told him I would not come then. He then unfriended me on FB and didn't call me for a few days.

So I can see that I could have been more flexible and not jumped to the conclusion that he rejected me and not been so quick to tell him I wouldn't go see him. He could have been more sensitive to how I might feel and explain about the game he was going to and realise that the mentioning of another woman is always going to feel threatening to a woman you are currenty dating, even if there is nothing going on, which there wasn't as I found out, he just wanted to be above board with everything. And he could have refrained from unfriending me so quickly.

So I can see that there were misunderstandings and overreactions from both of us.

[mitti]

Don't worry; it's easy.  Just be yourself and go on from there.  If you get lost in the process, your compass is your core, your true self.  When in doubt, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Does that sound do-able?

LJ

Yes, that is what I am trying to do. It has been hard when shame is triggered since it makes me act/react in away that may be counterproductive but in the situation there is seldom enough time to analyse.

[Zen606]

Hi Mitti-
Reading your posts here and in part 1 it seems to me that the person who rejected you is not the issue. What is, is the shame, rejection, and abandonment most likely connected to Mitti the child. I say this because the issue of childhood emotional neglect which includes rejection, shame, and other emotions, is something I have focused on in therapy for the last year and a half. I had not seen this before, but I do now, that my emotional responses to, in this instance, relationship issues are very much connected to me the child. And so I need to examine such things in the child context, talk to the child, listen, assure her and ask her to let me the adult handle the situation. This is something I use consistently and it helps me to understand the issue and the emotions I am feeling more clearly. So I would ask you, are you seeing a therapist? Sometimes we need assistance in sorting out these issues because they are complicated and confusing.   
Best
Zen606

[Lucky Jim]

Nicely said, Zen606.  Yes, figuring out how I got embroiled in a BPD r/s in the first place helped me to see how childhood experiences made me particularly susceptible to someone suffering from BPD.  Going through the BPD crucible forced me to look at my own issues.  It was a painful process, yet led to new growth.  Now I'm back on my path.

LuckyJim

[Zen606]

Hi Lucky Jim,
I'm trying hard to practice what I learned while in therapy and after a BPD trait ex relationship. And, wow, big surprises. Most recently I was able to clearly see that I am addicted to addicts - I attract addicts. A hard but revealing discovery. So now another layer to examine. I am fortunate that I have a great therapist, an excellent mirror, insightful, and not full of herself. She has an MSW but she practices like an analyst.
Much success on our parallel paths.
Zen606

[Lucky Jim]

Most recently I was able to clearly see that I am addicted to addicts - I attract addicts.

I hear you, Zen606.  I dated women who smoked.  I dated women who drank heavily.  I dated women who smoked and drank heavily, including my BPDxW.

I suspect that a lot of us Nons have codependent tendencies, because you have to be somewhat codependent to be in a BPD r/s for any extended period of time.

Yet now that I know my pattern, I can make better choices.  You can, too!

LJ