Help I don't know how to help my daughter

[sandgrounder]

 

My daughter has had a rough 6 six years. Firstly her dad, my then husband abused her. after two years she spoke out and he was jailed but the rest of the family fell apart in the drama. She blames herself and was depressed. She self harmed. She was diagnosed with PTSD at the time.

It looked ike she was getting better. She met a boy and fell in love. He seemed a nice guy. Just before her 18th birthday she moved in with his family, which I wasn't happy about but we haven't had a strong bond for some time.

It turns out he has hit her several times and exhibits coercive behaviour. She has told some people who finally told me. We also have evidence she obtained that he's been talking to a 14 year old girl inappropriately.

Obviously we had to take this to the police. His family blame her. She blames us. She went to my son's house for a few days but on last Friday I went to see her and her behaviour was so odd, so divorced from reality that I took her to the emergency department of the nearest hospital. There she was admitted for psychiatric assessment. They are now talking of discharging her in a few days and she's saying she will come back to live with me. I worry this is because I live close to her boyfriend's house.

I know they still contact each other and he's been poisoning her mind against her family and anyone who tries to help her. She doesn't even want anyone to go getter stuff from his house and she wants me to hand over her expensive laptop for him to borrow for a while.

I want to help her but I am afraid she'll let him into my house. She left her house keys at his house when she went to my son's so I have just had the locks changed at great expense. This could all be for nothing if she lets him in or gets a key copied if I give her a key.

I don't know what to do and I am afraid she is lost beyond hope because she's turning to the one person who right now does her the most harm and away from those of us who care

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

I am glad to meet you, sandgrounder (what an interesting name) but so sorry for what brings you here. I don't blame you for having safety concerns about having your daughter come to live with you knowing she is in an abusive relationship. My first thought is this is a time for you to set some very firm and clear boundaries (bf cannot come over, have keys etc) and be ready to enforce those boundaries. I can understand you wanting to help your daughter but you also have to take care of yourself and that means your home has to be a safe place. Does that make sense? How do you think she would respond to you setting some ground rules for the sake of your safety as well as hers? Please keep posting as you feel comfortable. I have bee n here for a couple months now and shared some very personal things so I can vouch for this being a safe group. People here are very helpful and not judging of anyone. We are all on this journey together learning as we go.

[sandgrounder]

The name relates to where I used to live decades ago so personal but not identifying. I usually use other screen names online but she would know it was me and she has trust issues with me right now.

I will set boundaries but am unsure she will keep them. The ex-bf contacts her constantly and gets her to tell him things like what I may have said to the police. She took stuff off my phone to send him and then deleted things so I've had to change the passcodes on my phone and other devices to something she doesn't know and can't guess.

So I have to try to support her while knowing she has been made to believe I am the one with mental health issues, not her. In order to keep myself sane, I have arranged counselling through an employee support program where I work. There is so much gaslighting going on, him to her, her to me and the rest of the family that I'm beginning to lose faith in my own judgement.

[Only Human]

Hi sandgrounder  

I join Faith in welcoming you to BPD Family, though I'm sorry you had to find us in the first place.

It's good you've arranged for some counseling for yourself, your mental health comes first.

You say your daughter was admitted for assessment - did she get a diagnosis of BPD while there? Are there any wrap-around services offered by the hospital? What's next once she is discharged?

I'm really glad you're here, sandgrounder. As Faith said, this is a very safe, welcoming place where we support each other through difficult times. We have lots of articles and workshops that can help when relating to our adult children. A good place to start is the post pinned to the top of this board, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE

I look forward to getting to know you better and how we can best support you. You don't have to do this alone.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Hi sandgrounder

Along with FHLKC and Only Human I welcome you to family.  I'm sorry what you're dealing with, you've been through so much with your daughter. You've taken a great step by engaging in counselling and reaching out here for support to a community who understand, we're walking with you.

Look forward to hearing more from you.

WDx

[sandgrounder]

Thanks everyone. The diagnosis of BPD has been given while she was on a psychiatric ward. I don’t know what the plans are for after her discharge. I will attending a meeting at the hospital tomorrow morning with the consultant and my daughter.

I am concerned that my daughter doesn’t really want to come live with me. I live very close to her abusive ex. She won’t let me get a third party go and get her stuff from his house. She also wants to lend him her laptop which is at my house and is worth £1,000. I know they are in constant contact and that he tells her I am an evil liar who neglected her in the aftermath of the sexual abuse. Between the BPD and domestic abuse by a manipulative partner, she doesn’t trust me or my son or other people who are genuinely trying to help her.

She won’t talk to the police who say they can do nothing unless she complains about his behaviour.

I am not sure my house is the right place for her as I worry it is only so she can keep seeing him that she wants to come here.  However I am not sure where else she could go. Also wherever she goes, as he has a car they could meet up so maybe it’s better she comes here where I can try to watch her.

[FaithHopeLove]

What a mess! Here you are trying to help your daughter and all she wants to do is continue in an abusive relationship. You are doing all you can though, getting help for yourself, setting boundaries, etc. You obviously can't control her behavior, but you can take steps to take care of yourself while you go through this. Other than therapy, which is an excellent idea, are you doing anything else to take care of yourself? We are all with you. If it is any consolation, this too shall pass.