What happens when I get triggered; my own behaviors

[Harri]

Yeah, I have triggers and issues that I still struggle with.

On Sunday my brother visited me.  My SIL and nephew stayed home as it was to be a short visit and he was here to help fix my door and help me clean a bit.

Just his helping me is an issue.  Actually, anyone helping me is an issue.  Especially lately.  I am disabled with multiple health issues and have had to start using a walker when I go out.  It is not for balance but because I do not have an abdominal wall to speak of... no muscles to help me breathe so I run out of O2 quickly and need to sit.  That has pissed me off to no end.    I resisted using my walker for a loong time because hell no I am not disabled ... dammit!  Well, I can't do that anymore as things get worse and my stamina decreases so I was compensating by just not going out of the house... for weeks on end ... because I am not disabled ... dammit!  

Can you see the twisted thinking?  The defensiveness?  The victim attitude buried beneath a facade of bravado?   The denial?    If you can't see all of that yet, just keep reading.  ;)

So anyway, knowing all that is relevant because how I was/am dealing with this issue impacted the way I reacted to needing help from my brother.  I am blessed that he is a good guy and while we do not hang out, we can help each other and truly like and love each other... most of the time  He has always become grumpy when fixing things, ever since we were kids.  To the point where just saying Hi to him while he tried to concentrate on something would elicit an impatient growl and him possibly stomping off.  So I still get tense when he is doing stuff.  Actually, when anyone is and my anxiety increases.  Those darn triggers right?  I have learned to manage my triggers by knowing that I am responsible for my sensitivities, my reactions and behaviors and that he can be as upset and grumpy as can be but that does not have to take away my peace.  I also know (usually) that just because I am triggered it does not make it okay for me to make demands or excuse any reaction I may have.

So there I am upset and depressed about my physical issues and the changes in health status plus feeling anxious as he is fixing my screen door... and we got through it fine.  I kept my mouth shut and just worked on my computer and let him do his thing (stomach churning a bit though).  Then he starts cleaning...

Hoo boy!  anxiety levels increase as he starts sweeping the wood floor and washing my kitchen floor... and builds when he cleans my sliding doors...  He is not saying a word.  He is not making facial expressions that annoy me.  He is not muttering under his breath.  All those are things he has done in the past (One time about a year ago I told him if he can't help me and be happy while doing it he needed to stop)  <---- like I said, sometimes we argue.  

So he was fine until... he sits down across from me and starts lecturing me.  And yes, it was a lecture.  Finger wagging and all... his eyes bulged a bit too.    (I could laugh about it later that night... I can't help it, it is funny!)  He is telling me that I have to hire someone to clean my condo.  That he knows I can't afford it but he will pay.  He instructed me (!) to look online at cleaning services and send him their names so he could 'investigate'.    He mansplained to me that I need help and that I can't do everything I used to be able to do... and that he is my brother and will help me...

Me?  I am sitting there trying to use my coping skills.  My tools...

Pffft.

I was successful to a point but (!) I started crying.    Went into waif mode and said stuff like I can't do this right now, I am too depressed and upset and stressed out.  I said I am doing what I can to help myself but it is taking time.  I also said:  "this conversation needs to end now" because I was getting too upset in general but also with the way I was crying and using my depression and frustration as an excuse to stay stuck.  Get a handle on yourself Harri!  

Of course my brother did not heed my request to stop.  **But neither did I**.  I threw my boundary right out the window and continued the conversation... a few times.    

The good news is we were able to talk things through.  I did refuse to let him pay for someone to clean for me.    Just can't go there yet.  But we got through the other stuff.  He left, I told him I love him and appreciate him and he said he loves me too and just wants to help me.  He said he was sorry.  I said I know he loves me but he had nothing to apologize for that I knew he was talking to me from a place of caring and love and that my reaction was about me and was my stuff to deal with.  

I have some other stuff I want to write here and will do so later.  this post is already shockingly long though.

I am not really looking for anything in particular here though if you have words of wisdom or suggestions for me I would love to hear them.  I mostly just want to share an incident that shows me I have work to do still and so I can see where the work I have done has paid off.

More later.  

[zachira]

Harri,
I don't know if what I have to say will be of any help whatsoever as I don't know a lot about your situation, and what I have to say may come across as self serving and have absolutely nothing to do with your situation. I was classified as disabled many years ago and fought it tooth and nail. I did not appreciate being told that part of my  physical problems were due to my challenges with mental health. Many years later I learned about BPD and NPD and this was after years of therapy. I never wanted to be disabled and did everything I could to become normal again. After years of all kinds of treatments including long term therapy, I found out what was the principal cause of my disability, and am no longer disabled. You are a fighter and not willing to give up hope that things will get better, and there is no one who can play God and predict the future. If you keep looking inward, looking for ways to feel better and heal, there is great potential for things to be better in the future. You are the expert on yourself and what is best for you. If money were no limit, what kind of treatments would you seek out and what are the things that you love the most that you would be doing?

[Harri]

Hi Z.  I appreciate the encouragement and your questions so no worries there.   

Most of my health issues are serious to the point where they can not be fixed.  I have a genetic tumor syndrome that is mostly a pain in the butt.  Complications from surgery long ago left me with no abdomen and chronic pancreatitis and cirrhosis (not related to drugs and alcohol).  I am too sick for being able to do stuff and not sick enough for transplants... even if I could find a doctor willing to take me on... and I have tried.

That said, with money not being an issue, I would buy a liver and pancreas (because in that world we would have stores for that sort of thing!) and use them to my advantage until I couldn't any more by doing some traveling and maybe a bit of shopping.   And I hate shopping... except for the expensive stuff like jewelry and furniture!  I would help build houses for habitat for humanity and teach adults who can't to read and volunteer to help blind people perform every day stuff and and and... all sorts of things.  Most of all though I would go back to work.

You are right that my mental state is not helping me but it will not change the bottom line:  I am disabled.  Most of my conditions are not curable.  But (!) you are right, I would have more motivation to do the stuff I can do... especially because I now use my walker and can sit every minute or so.  I might be slow but I would still be able to go do some stuff.  I would not be playing hermit in my own home.  

dammit.  Next thing you know I will buy a damn basket along with streamers for the hand grips and a bell for my walker.    Look out world... her walker has wheels!

Thanks Z! 

[zachira]

I admire all you are doing with all the challenges you are facing. You are doing a great job at bpdfamily and you have natural talent for counseling/therapy which shows in the rapport you build with members. The fact that you are INFJ, means you are part of the NF group which has a passion for helping others. I have been concerned for quite awhile that maybe you are spending more time helping others than doing enough self care. Would it be helpful for you to keep a daily log of time spent helping at bpdfamily versus time spent on self care? It is heartbreaking to have the health issues you have and all the challenges with past family abuse, yet I admire how you have gone forward. Are you close to anybody  in the community of people with disabilities? When I first became disabled, I became friends with a leading activist in the community of people with disabilities. I regularly went to parties at her house where most of the people there were in wheel chairs. I learned that I spent too much time trying to connect with people that usually got more attention than they wanted, (young, smart, well educated, good looking, in good health, etc.,) and that the people that did not attract that much attention (the elderly, disabled, poor, people with lots of tragedy in their lives, etc.,) were the people who had the most compassion, richest life experiences, and made great lifelong friends. What things do you think you can do now that might get you out of the house and more connected with others? I realize that you are introvert which means you get your energy more from alone time than time spent with people and that you likely value having a few close friends rather than being surrounded by a group of acquaintances. What are your passions? What do you love to do? What kind of friends would you like to have? Just some ideas and questions, that may or may not be relevant or helpful. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. I know that there are many people who will try to help if you let us know what you need.

[itsmeSnap]

He has always become grumpy when fixing things, ever since we were kids.  To the point where just saying Hi to him while he tried to concentrate on something would elicit an impatient growl and him possibly stomping off.  So I still get tense when he is doing stuff.

Dad did the same thing, even to this day my aunts know to steer clear when he is in "fix mode". I learned that when he was angry about chores its usually a frustration from things not going according to plan, as in "I wouldn't have to fix this if the thing had just kept functioning like I thought it would"

Funny how I see it now, he yells at the wrench when the gas cylinder needs changing, he gets mad at the faucet for leaking, he calls them SOB and POS and all that with a really angry voice , but I know he's not really mad at them, us or whatever, he had a plan that didn't work and he doesn't react well to "unknowns"

Not getting caught up works wonders when the understanding comes from knowing (not so) deep down that its not about him or us or the situation, its something he struggles with. I just cheer him on sometimes and go all absurd like "yeah you tell him dad, friggin' POS wrench needs to get dumped" and he notices the absurdity of what he's doing as well, sees that its not about the immediate situation (tools in perfect condition, he does take pride in maintaining them), calms him down.

I'm sure your brother struggles with a similar past you had, and how he would want to do more but he knows he can't (because of medical realities or you won't let him because that's not how you want your life to be), his frustration is not "about the situation", but about something deeper probably. Or maybe he's just "that guy"  I don't know him .

Anyway, I'm telling you this because its easy to get caught up in our own feelings and reactions and not realize that they are struggling as well for other reasons, and that doesn't mean we can't be there for each other when things get tough.

That's not to say we shouldn't be aware of our own triggers, but they don't exist in a vacuum. If we can understand the source, the true source (the immediate "growling brother" vs why is he anxious/angry about fixing/cleaning things at your appt in the first place?) of what bothers us maybe we can be that much more prepared.

Look out world... her walker has wheels!

that would be one mean walking machine you'd have there Harri

[Libra]

Harri,  

I’ve been trying to respond to your post, but failing miserably in finding the right words. There’s a lot in here, so I’ll try to take it step by step.

I am so sorry you are struggling with so many health issues. I’m not saying this out of politeness. It sucks, and it isn’t fair. I suspect I would fight tooth and nail to my own detriment rather than accepting a disability. I suspect you have been doing that for a long time as well.

I do not see twisted thinking, nor victim attitude. I see some denial, trying to keep from facing the truth, because it is damn hard to accept. This is the first time I’ve seen you call yourself disabled on this board, though I may have missed it in other threads. I still think it is a big step in the process of accepting a hard truth for what it is.

so I was compensating by just not going out of the house... for weeks on end…

I remember an older thread where you told us about the work you used to do. In my own words, out of memory: Getting people to use things to improve their quality of life, to enable them to do things.
Please try to use that talent to talk yourself into accepting your walker, Harri. The world is a better place with a Harri-on-walker-wheels. And you deserve to get out of your house!
I second what Zachira is saying. I know you give unwaiveringly this board, and I know it gives you back as well. But it is NOT the same as going out, feeling the sun on your skin, seeing people going about their day. What is there you could do to get out now and then? Maybe try to find the artist in yourself? Join a reading group? I’m only half kidding. Even introverts need real human contact. I know that from experience.

He has always become grumpy when fixing things

I have to plead guilty here. I do too. I can only  say that – for me - it has nothing to do with the actual fixing, but rather with a feeling of inadequacy at what I am trying to achieve. And probably a fear of getting comments on my work – i.e. on my work, and thus me, not being good enough. 

I also know (usually) that just because I am triggered it does not make it okay for me to make demands or excuse any reaction I may have.

There’s a fine line between saying it is not okay to make demands or have reactions, and pushing down or denying the feelings you experience when triggered. How do you balance that? How do you allow those emotions to surface, recognize where they are coming from, but then restrain from reacting to them? For me it is often still all-or-nothing: either I push them down, or I go all the way and react.

All those are things he has done in the past

I see a brother who cares, who wants to help out and who is trying to take into account your feelings. He probably mutters when he’s doing those chores at home as well. He’s realized though that this triggers you, and is trying to limit the negative waves he might unwittingly throw your way.
Why do your anxiety level go up so much? Can you pinpoint the cause? Is it just because he used to mutter about it, and that made you feel bad for him helping you out, or is there more going on?

Bulging eyes….it makes me smile every time I read it.
Being lectured by your Big  Brother is no fun.  He could have handled that a lot better. The underlying message is one of true caring though. I am glad you managed to talk things through. 

Get a handle on yourself Harri!

 
What was being said was hard to handle. You hadn’t truly processed these things for yourself. I may be lacking in tool knowledge etc, but what is wrong with starting to cry? Why suppress these emotions?

Of course my brother did not heed my request to stop.  **But neither did I**.  I threw my boundary right out the window and continued the conversation... a few times

Again, I may be lacking tools and knowledge here, but what was the boundary? I think – but I may be wrong – that this is a discussion you both needed to have? You say you used your depression and frustration to stay stuck. You feel emotions welling up because what is being discussed IS emotional and difficult.  I see nothing wrong with that? A hard discussion is not always a bad discussion. It may be what we need to move forward. It may also be the only way someone knows to try and reach us.

Remember: Feelings just are.

Thank you for being vulnerable and for sharing with us.



Libra.

[GaGrl]

I'm picking up on something else -- the tears during the conversation with your brother. There must be great sadness in dealing with the loss of much that you once could do and how cannot.

Have you allowed yourself to grieve that loss?