Broke up over the weekend. I mainly just feel...relief.

[WindofChange]

My now-ex BPD bf took things out of my hands and initiated the conversation Friday. Details are on another post, but mainly he wasn't happy that I was only making time for him once or twice a week, and that I didn't change my Saturday plans with family to see him instead. I stuck firm on that and he said he wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with him. I told him this was all I could give and that I was sorry I wasn't making him happy and agreed that maybe we should go our separate ways.
I think maybe he expected me to cave and when I didn't he was a little surprised. Some snarky texts after that over the weekend but nothing since Sunday. Could it be over just like that? Still sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop, but after months of dreading the end, I just feel relieved. A little sadness, but I did most of my detaching last spring and summer (obviously not all of it since we got back together, but still). Although we had been seeing each other again since August, I was always on my guard. Maybe we shouldn't have started up again, but at the time I had missed him so much, and since he was in therapy I thought he would really change. But I didn't see much evidence of that as time went on, so I knew things had an end date.
For his sake, I am hopeful that he will continue in therapy and make progress. For me, I am relieved. Now is the time to focus on me, exploring what made me codependent and working through that.
It's odd to me that I don't feel more sad, though. I was devastated last year. But I guess over the past several months, I have gradually noticed a lot about him that I know wouldn't make me happy in a marriage (childish, irresponsible, undependable for his family, unemployed). With getting older, I need more than romantic feelings and empty promises to fulfill me. I have gradually pulled away the past several months (although every time we were intimate, I'd feel the resurgence of those feelings of love and hope that maybe, maybe things would be okay).  When I was away from him, common sense and reality would set in again.

I'm thankful that we don't have children together. I'm sure it's so much harder for those of you who have to stay in contact because of your children!
Guess I just wanted to write a little about the past weekend's happenings. I'm kind of wondering if I'm just numb and this is going to hit me hard later. Anyone else go through this relief initially and then sink down emotionally later?

[mama-wolf]

Hi WindofChange,

I'm glad things went better than you probably anticipated with the breakup.  It sounds like you did in fact do a lot of processing before it even happened, so you may not feel the kind of resurgence of pain and sadness that you may be expecting.  What you're describing doesn't quite sound like numbness, especially since you are actually experiencing a sense of relief.  Another indicator might be how much you are/are not feeling towards other parts of your life.

For me, there was a lot of numbness...to the point where I couldn't even feel relief, or much else.  Couldn't really experience much happiness with anything in my life either.  I just existed.  For the most part, I'm still in that place emotionally.  Intellectually, I can recognize the moments that would have triggered an argument or blowup from my ex, and I am able to make note of the fact that it's good she's not around to cause that chaos anymore, but I don't really feel.

So enjoy the relief...spend the time focusing on you as you mentioned, and continue to rebuild from the impact this relationship has had on you.  I wouldn't be surprised if your ex did still come back with some anger once it sets in for him that you really are moving on, but I think you have done great work on building your boundaries and will know that is not your burden to carry.

mw

[WindofChange]

Thanks for responding, Mama-wolf. I do think a lot of it is relief because I was dreading the end for so long. Dealing with him and his depression and knowing I wanted to walk away has also caused me to be depressed. With the undercurrent of conflict with family members (mom, sons) not approving of the relationship, that added to negative feelings for me. I've been sort of living with a low level of depression for quite a while, just existing, getting through my work day and then trying to exercise some, then studying at night. I was able to enjoy time with family and friends, but the rest of the time was just a string of sort of mostly blah days.

I'm sorry to hear that all these months later, you're struggling with what sounds like a lack of joy. Am I describing it accurately? Sort of numb, as you said, you don't really feel? I'm sure that's so hard. I remember reading last summer about all you were going through. I've been off here several months so I'm kind of out of touch. It is good that you're out of the chaos, at least. I hope as time goes on that you can find your joy again. 

For me, I have had some brief moments of optimism, looking forward to the future. Then I start feeling guilty because I feel I should be concerned for my ex. I do pray for him, but I try to keep reminding myself that his well-being and happiness aren't my responsibility. It's hard. Hopefully with time it will get easier.

[ForeverDad]

You set a boundary and held to it.  Now you feel...relief.  See?  Proper boundaries do work.

What will you do if (or when?) he tries to get back together with you?  Beware that you'll remember the good times (isn't that what we all prefer?) and not pay attention to all the past distress.  I'm not saying he'll try again.  But it's very possible he may leave you simmering on his back burner (cooking stove analogy) and later show up all smiles and tempting to make you doubt why you had broken up before.

My advice is to decide Now that it is Ended.  Have that settled in your mind and heart.  If or when he may pop up unexpectedly then you'll be less tempted to be nice, meet up and give him another chance.  Try not to get back on the roller coaster.  While it's possible that in the meantime he may have made real progress on meaningful therapy, you can't blindly trust such claims.  Once burned, twice shy.

This has been said many times that I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember in the original Star Trek series the Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WofC, I echo ForeverDad: it's likely you'll hear from him again when the fear of abandonment kicks in, so be prepared.  Forewarned is forearmed!  I'm happy to hear that common sense and reality have prevailed.  A lot of us, including me, ignored the red flags and plunged into marriage with a pwBPD, which can lead to a lot of suffering and pain.  Suggest you treat yourself with care and compassion, and be grateful that you are moving in a healthier (and happier!) direction.

LuckyJim

[Cat Familiar]

After years of being miserable in a very bad marriage, when I ended it, I was surprised that I felt nothing other than relief. I was so glad to be free of him that I had no desire to ever go back, despite his attempts to corral me again.

Not once have I ever regretted my decision. Not once.

[mama-wolf]

I've been sort of living with a low level of depression for quite a while, just existing, getting through my work day and then trying to exercise some, then studying at night. I was able to enjoy time with family and friends, but the rest of the time was just a string of sort of mostly blah days.

I'm sorry to hear that all these months later, you're struggling with what sounds like a lack of joy. Am I describing it accurately? Sort of numb, as you said, you don't really feel?

Yes, what you described above is pretty much my daily existence (minus the studying).

I'm really glad for you to be on the other side of what you have dreaded so long.  I went through a lot of that dread myself leading up to my separation.  I know that having that pressure released was a good thing, whether or not I truly felt relief, and I am sure it's good for you as well.

The moments of optimism are also good!  The guilt is really hard to let go of, and I do understand that some of this really does take time before we can really experience much of a change.  Being able to look forward to something is important, and I think the guilt will fade as you continue reminding yourself that you are not responsible for him.

As the others have said, beware of his attempts to draw you back into his life.  I think you have kind of been through that before, so you are probably less susceptible this time.  Keep taking care of yourself and reinforcing those boundaries 

mw

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm glad you got that difficult situation behind you, Windofchange,

Now you can focus on taking care of you. I felt relief when I went NC with stbx uBPDh. Now, I still struggle with guilt, but the feelings pass. I am able to remind myself that I am not responsible for him or his choices, and I am in a much better place mentally and emotionally. I can focus on healing instead of on his daily crises.

Redeemed

[WindofChange]

Thank you, everyone, for your encouraging responses. I know there's a chance he may try to reconcile, but my mind is made up. It's different this time. I am not devastated, I'm not heartsick with missing him. ForeverDad and LuckyJim, while I don't have a specific plan, I do know that if he asks to see me, my answer will be no and that it's for the best for both of us. I did stress when we (he) ended things that we were both emotionally intense people and probably each of us needed to be with someone more low key and stable. That way I'm not pointing fingers at him. And as we have all learned, it takes two to form this type of BPD/codependent bond.
It feels good to have freedom. In thinking about this weekend, I realized that I could do whatever I wanted. I didn't have to worry about what he might say or worry about fitting in an evening and overnight with him. I can talk to whoever I want, see whoever I want. Or do nothing at all.   No guilt trips or ridiculous accusations.
CatFamiliar and Redeemed, I definitely get that relief, especially over not having to worry about the daily crises! It's a huge burden lifted.
I know it will take time to process and work to heal and overcome the codependent issues, but this is a big step and I feel really good about it!