Heard about xBPD committing suicide

[pari]

NC since last 5 year. I slowly stopped contact with xBPDbf. He kept writing over period of time but I ignored. I am over him, the trauma of r/s and back to myself. Met a wonderful man and got married last month.

2 weeks ago, I was thinking about my ex and thought of checking him on google. Just as I was typing, I thought 'I stayed so long in r/s because of his suicide threats. He would never do that. It was always a threat. I am so happy that I had the courage to leave.'

He posted something on instagram 2 weeks ago. Then I saw an article about him on 4-5th search result and it was an article about someone's suicide. I couldn't believe it. He planned the whole act, drove outside the city, made a video and hung himself to a tree. His friend found him through the video after 4-5 days. It was so strange and shocking. I spent next 10 days ( while my husband was away) walking with visuals of him hanging from the tree and couldn't sleep at night.

I thought I had made successful recovery, this news is still so shocking. Probably I knew, I was anticipating this at some point but now I don't know how to respond to it. A part of me is happy for him that he is finally at peace.

I found some notebooks during cleaning from the time of our relationship recycle and saw how much I suffered. I burned all the cards and notebooks.

Probably because we never said proper goodbye. I slowly stopped contact with him and ignored all contact from him to focus on myself.

I feel very confused that I am not able to find a proper closer to this. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Admins - please feel free to move this post to another section if it doesn't belong here.

[byfaith]

Hi Pari,

I feel for you, and I hope you can find closure to this. It must be hard to sort out your feelings on this. Try to focus on your thought, that you are happy that he has finally found peace. When we truly loved someone, even though they treated us badly, there is part of them that we loved and it still bothers us when we hear something bad happens to them. Try to think of any of the good that he brought you. I think part of it is, that we wish in some way, we could have helped them overcome their problem.

When I heard about the tornados ripping through Alabama the other day, I thought of my ex wife, and hoped she was ok. I always wondered how I would deal with hearing that my ex wife had taken her own life. She used to tell me how she thought about it often, and had a planned to do it, her and then her son. It would not shock me if I get the news one day.



BF

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, we can't expect to get 'closure' from a disordered and ended relationship.  And we can't live others' lives for them.  So I often write that we have to Gift ourselves Closure.  Like so much else, it's a process and not an event.

I usually post on another board but I thought this perspective would be helpful.

[itsmeSnap]

I have not experienced the grief of suicide, but my uncle went against medical advice with full knowledge of the consequences and never stopped smoking until his passing, even as his health deteriorated in the hospital.

I do not condone the act, because its a terrible way to deal with life circumstances, but they saw it as the only way to have control over their lives, and unfortunately, their deaths.

It kinda made it easier for me to deal with the news, though I've been known to be "detached" in general, so take it with a grain of salt.

May he find his peace in whatever reality comes after this world, and hoping you also find solace in the fact that however terrible his methods were, you made your choice for how you wanted to move forward with your life, he made his, and you are not to blame.

Its good that you are reaching out over this, a good support system is key to dealing with hard times in life. Also, lean on your husband, it is precisely in these moments of grief, even if for an ex, when we need to be close to those we love the most.

[Insom]

Oh, pari!  Hugs.     I'm sorry to hear about the traumatic discovery of your ex's suicide, and I'm also sorry for your loss.  It sounds like you've got some complicated feelings to process.

I feel very confused that I am not able to find a proper closer to this. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I am working with a therapist right now who has helped me find closure re: an abusive relationship I had in my teens with someone with BPD.  While my ex is still alive, I haven't involved him in my process because it hasn't felt safe.

How would you feel about reaching out for help from a therapist?

[snowwhite]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I too echo the advice to seek help from a therapist. You need healing at this time as much as he did. There are exercises a therapist can put you through to help you find closure, such as writing a final letter expressing your feelings, or help for post-traumatic stress.
I am a Christian and believe in life after death. So I remind myself that we will meet again, this time with him well and sane. At that time we can talk through all the issues that remained unresolved. But please do not allow this to derail the new life you have built for yourself. You need to be fully present in that life. And feel free to be happy. You did not cause this and you could not have saved him.

[Turkish]

Do you in any way feel that part of his choice may have been your fault?

[pari]

Thank you bpdfamily for jumping in with suggestions and kind words. With time, I feel better. I think it helps in processing of emotions, like there is nothing that I or anyone else could have done. He decided the best for himself and hope he is happier.

Try to think of any of the good that he brought you. I think part of it is, that we wish in some way, we could have helped them overcome their problem.

Wise words! I have to say this thought gives me strength and reason to smile.

Sadly, we can't expect to get 'closure' from a disordered and ended relationship.  And we can't live others' lives for them.  So I often write that we have to Gift ourselves Closure.  Like so much else, it's a process and not an event.

I usually post on another board but I thought this perspective would be helpful.

Very interesting thought

Thanks for your wise words @itsmeSnap

@Insom - That may be the ideal step forward. At the moment, I am really occupied with changes in my life, moving to a new country that I don't have time to reach out to a therapist. Also somewhere I am afraid to talk about it with anyone because it was a difficult chapter of my life that I moved on from. Just thinking about him triggers some of old fearful emotions.

@snowwhite - Maybe I will follow your advice to write something down. Again, I feel that by focusing too much on it, I will make it more real. I feel my energies need to be focused on day to day task of my life.

Do you in any way feel that part of his choice may have been your fault?

I have to say, the thought did occur to me - only if I had responded to his msg or reached out to him to check his wellbeing, this could have been avoided. But I never really know what implications this would have. Now that I think more about it, it would have made my life more difficult. I really tried to help him, at cost of almost losing my sanity and hence got the awareness to take care of myself, which is my focus now.

My ego and caring self is thinking about his house, all the things we set up together, bla bla. In reality, I havn't seen him or his place in 5 years but suddenly all the memories are so fresh. I think about his mom. But have no desire to write to her. I don't think it will do any good.

I keep telling myself that he did what he thought was the best. He focused on himself, his needs, his pain.

I think I just need to give myself time.

[MeandThee29]

I have to say, the thought did occur to me - only if I had responded to his msg or reached out to him to check his wellbeing, this could have been avoided. But I never really know what implications this would have. Now that I think more about it, it would have made my life more difficult. I really tried to help him, at cost of almost losing my sanity and hence got the awareness to take care of myself, which is my focus now.

I keep telling myself that he did what he thought was the best. He focused on himself, his needs, his pain.

Mine had an attempt and was having the same thoughts when he left. We have minimal contact now, and I often wonder how his mental state really is.

I know that I'm significantly better. I'm upbeat virtually every day now and am doing much better at advocating for myself at work and in other situations. I laugh all the time now and have a lot of new friends. How refreshing!

I haven't seen the therapist we both saw in some time, but the last time I saw her, she warned me that people who had a previous attempt and have isolated themselves remain at risk. She strongly urged me to work at focusing on those I do have influence over and to let go of those I don't have influence over (him). The reality is that what he does with his time and the thoughts he has or doesn't have are none of my business. Because of the distance and lack of contact, I have to let it go.

[sdyakca]

Hi Pari, What came to mind as I read your post is that I am powerless over others; what they say, what they do, everything. My responsibility in life is to attend to my side of the street. Your detachment 5-years ago sounds like it was a life saver for you. I stayed in my past relationship past its expiration, so I could detach in a more loving way, but in the end I had to take back my self-respect, it was never going to be offered to me. Taking back my self-respect was not a simple, pain free or error free experience, but it did save my live.

I would highly encourage you to find a good therapist you can work through this with for awhile.

Stay up, hold your head up, your best days are ahead, and put this experience and chapter of your life in the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change" bucket.

[JNChell]

Hey, Pari. Those are heavy feelings to sit with. That must’ve been quite a shock. As sad as it is, be grateful that you had detached before it happened. He was ill, but he was responsible for himself and his actions. How are you feeling about it after some time has passed?