I broke up with my (now ex) girlfriend around a month ago we had been together for about a year and a half. She had a lot of the traits of BPD but never had this diagnosed. After reading a lot on here, more widely online and speaking to a friend whose mum has BPD I am 90% sure she had it.
We started in a weird way... We had dated on and off for a few months but I was never getting anywhere with her - our dates were so great but there were so many times at the start where she didn't want to take things further... eventually I left it there, moved on and met other people and then randomly she's messaging me - we had bumped into each other a couple weeks prior and I mentioned I was looking for a new place to live, so she messaged me about a room her friend had... There were more and more messages and I started to think this was strange... then a few days later she called and asked if we could date ... after a bit of reluctance I went for it - I had wanted to give it a go and this seemed like it might be better...
Our first data (again) was great - there was so much to catch-up on and she was so funny and cute. We ended up going back to mine that day and from then on saw each other more and more. 3 weeks later she is telling me she loves me - I had always wanted a girlfriend and now this was it - it felt premature but I said I love you too. It felt weird, I wasn't sure if I believed it, but the more I said it the more real it felt. Those were the days when there was intense love, lots of sex and excitement... but even then she started to chip away at me - she would be all or nothing about stuff - so ready to leave over small things unless I agreed to it - always something so small that it would be petty for me to break up over... Then I went home over xmas and it started to get worst - she would want long conversations for hours upon ends and then I had missed a call one evening - we spent 2-3 hours the next morning discussing how it makes her feel and how she wants to break up. The instability was hard. It was confusing but I always kept giving in. Wanting things to work. Giving myself away. Now after xmas things were getting harder... I began to find sex difficult and had pe - she would get so mad and demand I finish her - belittle me and tell me she is sorry but can't control it and then get frustrated again. One time she came home drunk - she was horny and wanted sex - I was tired but gave in - after having pe - she demanded that I finish her - after 30 mins I was getting tired, after 60 mins I said no - but she just got mad and demanded I carry on - she got so angry and said horrible things about how bad I was in bed and then I gave in once again - finally I said no after trying to finish her off for almost 2 hours - I told her I didn't consent the first time but it didn't matter. I felt so bad after this. She apologised loads and blamed it on the alcohol.
A few weeks later we broke up again. This time after an unrelated argument. It was big and it hurt. I had hidden something from her and she felt so betrayed - she was just so angry. Again I cut her out completely. A few weeks later she then randomly turns up at my door as she was just passing by. And like before we get talking, hook up and the crazy love train starts again. At this point she still feels betrayed so we see each other on and off for the next week without her wanting to get back fully. Then one night she meets some friends and I don't get any texts - which is unusual as she always texts. I fear that she might be hooking up with someone else. She did. The next morning she tells me and I feel my heart break, again. She had been in my arms that morning - we weren't together but how could she do that especially when she spoke so much about how bad hook up culture is. She then explained how much pain she felt from what I'd kept from her and that this was her only way to deal with it and from this she realises how much I mean to her... Again I decide to try and make it work with her.
The next few months were tough - a lot of arguing - a lot of her making me feel guilty and apologise, sprinkled in with some intense moments of love. I moved away for a bit and she couldn't handle it - She would force me
to stay over when I had only planned daytrips - she would throw massive tantrums and tell me to go home if I didn't... then we had a trip to South America... The morning before my flight she says we need to talk - it is too hard for her when we are on bad terms - we talk it through... hours go by and the conversation continues .. I still haven't finished packing but the conversation continues... I'm in the airport and finally she feels happy - and that gives me some satisfaction that our trip together will work... Little did I know - every little thing she didn't like would become massive - I leave her at a store 1min away from the hotel and she blows up. Me planning and she blows up. We had a few intense moments of joy and love but a lot of it was just sad, painful and difficult. Managing her temper tantrums, giving in to her budget of higher spending, trying to help her with all of her issues that she had...
After we return I then move in with her - towards the end of the holiday it got a bit better - there were less arguments but it was still quite unpleasant.. moving in was the worst decision I EVER MADE. Over the next few months she would have me cleaning up most days - doing 70% of the house work, apologising for every little thing out of place - for talking about interviews I had... She said she would support me but when it came to it she never had much time... But with her exam at the same time she expected hours over so many days - she got mad that after I had offered to help I hadn't asked her when she was free to practice. I spent so much time, yet me talking about my stuff became an issue. She even threatened to breakup twice over it - everytime I finished packing she would tell me to stay. The next few months she would ask me to leave a few times more with the expectation that I stay. If I ever showed signs of actually leaving she would get mad. It was hard. It was painful. I felt so trapped - if i moved out then we were over - if I stayed then she would probably do it again... then things got worse... she started to get insomnia and only slept for 2-3 hours a night... but she couldn't sleep unless I was awake... then ensued the nightly dance of me trying to stay awake to help her sleep, her falling asleep and then waking me when she was up again. For over a month this would happen - whether I slept in a different room or different city - she would call - she would make sure I was awake. I tried everything to help her - massages, meditation, night stories - it would always end up being my fault ... once near the end she had an exam Monday morning - I massaged her I made sure she actually got to sleep and even the 4x during the night when she re-woke I tried to get her back to sleep. She was then up and ready for her exam - I sent her some words of encouragement and was on my way to a different city - I text saying I was going to try catch some sleep ... little did I know that an hour later she would call me after being so triggered that she didn't go to her exam! During this period I made sure her parents got her some help from psychologists. The final few months had really effected me - there were so many weekends I wouldn't want to do anything - just lay and watch tv feeling depressed - feeling hopeless and isolated...
so then I finally broke up - It was relief - it initially felt like euphoria - for so long I had to put my self last, for so long I had to feel bad and now I was free. The break up was tough - she made two suicide attempts! I had to wait 2 hours for her friend to come - during she begged for me back - told me how horrible I was and the worst thing that happened - begged again and so on... It was so painful - she told me to go and screamed - she threatened to call the police - I stayed as I didn't want her to die... She told me how she would tell horrible things to people at my work - she said she texted one of them while I was there... she told me how I was the best thing that ever happened to her... it was hell
I am not expecting anyone to read all of this. It is almost therapy writing this out. I felt so much shame about her sleeping with someone else just as we were getting back together that I have only told one person outside of this. so this helps.
The problem now is I feel so confused. Learning about BPD I know that she felt a lot of those feelings. She always said she loved me so much. There were so many times when she really did. she told me how she feels everything, how she thinks black and white and so many times that she doesn't deserve me and that I should be with someone more normal. She did give me so much affection. She did try her best. Her neediness was just so unlimited during the insomnia. I feel so conflicted that she wasn't a bad person for it, she was just ill I guess and trying her best.
I feel so conflicted. I feel hurt and confused. I feel shame. I feel like I wasn't a great boyfriend and that I did deserve what she did to me and that I was right to apologise all those times. I feel like a victim. I feel like I still love her. I feel like I had my heart ripped from me. I feel like I have had my sole stolen and my whole being degraded. I feel manipulated and used.
I guess I don't know how to feel. I don't think it is right to blame her as I do think she tried to love me and make it work. But at the same time I do feel abused and manipulated. I am trying to take this as a learning experience. I should have never have let her treat me that way. I need to develop me self respect, self worth and self value. I need to have boundaries and walk away from people that continually break them. I need to understand my codependency and how her chaos and problems made me feel important. I am trying to move on. I have cried a lot of tear for her. This is my first step in letting some of it go.. having our relationship on record... I have some more journaling and reflecting to do but this should be the start.
I guess what would be great from the community is that validation that she did mess me around, that what happened is expected from someone with this, that I can have relationships with someone who won't treat me like this. Guidance on how to move forward. Knowing that I am not alone.
