Int’l Women’s Day/Mothering Sunday/Mother’s Day...oh my

[aslowrealization]

As it’s the time of year for a number of potentially challenging holidays for those of us with difficult relationships with our mothers, thought I’d start this thread as a space for discussing some of the feelings that come up around these days 

For me this year, it actually started when I struggled with feelings of guilt a bit when I watched the Oscars and so many of the award winners thanked their mothers quite prominently in their speeches. The guilt said “See? Successful and talented people know how to appreciate their mothers! Good people thank their mothers! That’s why they are where they are!” And the guilt also says that all mothers are deserving of that same level of respect simply because they are mothers.

But then I stepped back and remembered that we don’t know what the people’s relationships are really like with their mothers. Maybe they did get love and support from their mothers that made all the difference, in which case the thanks is certainly warranted, but does not apply to all situations. Maybe their mother said “you better thank me!” or their publicist told them to. We don’t know.

Today there are a number of people saying lovely things about their mothers for International Women’s Day. And that is good to see...but I think those of us who find we cannot make such declarations due to difficult relationships with our mothers can use a reminder that not sharing those feelings about our own mothers does not make us ungrateful or unloving or unappreciative.

Returning to my own mother, I do respect her and admire some of what she’s managed to do in life and in her career. But I cannot say that she supported me or that she personally inspires me. And I’m learning that that’s OK.

[Harri]

Hi 

Returning to my own mother, I do respect her and admire some of what she’s managed to do in life and in her career. But I cannot say that she supported me or that she personally inspires me. And I’m learning that that’s OK.

I can relate to this, at least when my mom was still alive.  I credit my mother with making sure I could support myself and got a good education and career but that is about it.  I did/do admire her sense of humor when she was in a good/lucid state.  And she was generous but when it came to supporting me emotionally or in the choices I made that just did not happen and more often than not she tried to work against me.

I am happy for the people who had mothers who were different than ours.  They got dealt a different hand of cards.

[abeatofthedrum]

It's helpful to hear your thoughts of guilt about people thanking their mothers. Only just discovering how destructive my mother's BPD traits have been to my self-esteem and ability to have good relationships so I'm feeling super guilty for not thinking she's the best mother in the world, which is what I thought and proclaimed so many times as a child, despite the unpredictability, emotional manipulation and fear of outbursts. Thanks for sharing.

[Turkish]

I don't get deification of parents, or anybody.