uBPD W in crisis. Need help with boundaries

[Codepanda19]

Alright, here goes the first post. I hope I don't ramble. I am fairly certain my W is uBPD or at least severe traits. We've been together 16 years. I realized it last year when I fell really sick (didn't know if I was going to make it past 5 years, extensive treatments over a few months with side effects). She handled the whole thing really well in the beginning, until she it all went to hell.

It started with my parents visiting a few times over those months. I need to go on a tangent and say that they've never really gotten along (maybe a brief period in the beginning). My mother has some narcissistic traits which I took a long time to realize and these two personalities have clashed over the years,  and it has periodically put a strain on our marriage. We took a break from both my parents and my sibling a few years ago (started over something trivial and snowballed) but things had been on the mend and everyone had been at least civil to each other the last year and a half.

Things were good for a while and it felt like we were all getting along as a family, that this illness was uniting us. But at some point something changed in my W, some minor issue she couldn't get over brought up all these old emotions. My W felt that I wasn't there to support her and this has been sore point in our relationship in the past (that I don't stand up for her). Partly it's true, that's my codependency and aversion to conflict and partly I've come to realize my W has a feudal concept of loyalty and standing up for her requires aggressive language, threats to cut people off, etc. She's cut people off from her life in the past and I guess feels that everyone should be able to do so.

At any rate, things (predictably in hindsight) escalated into a massive fight at the end of which she wanted nothing to do with my family, and didn't understand how I would want anything to do with them after the abuse they put her through ("how could you want a relationship with the people who raped my soul"). Spiraled out of control, rhetoric became stronger and stronger, fights in public, threatened suicide. When I got over the disease, wouldn't let me tell them for almost a month. I told my family we needed some space and we wouldn't be in contact so that we could try and get over this. But one message of wishes for the holidays was enough to trigger her ("they violated the boundaries. What are you going to do to uphold them?") Another series of massive fights and the ultimatum: break off contact unless they apologized or divorce. Split against our couples therapist and ran away after a session. I was so worried she was going to do something to herself. I caved. Called my family, told them to apologize which they did (but it apparently wasn't good enough for my W).

So, here we are, a few months later, no contact with my family. I wish I could say that it was smooth sailing with my W and me but right after this episode, we moved onto the next chapter of all the things she needed in this relationship. Anything I did she didn't approve of was me not prioritizing the relationship. I had always known that she had insecurities. Our relationship especially the early to mid years had drama and ultimatums but seeing her in full on crisis mode made me realize this was more than just ego or insecurity. Reading about BPD just drove everything home. Everything just made sense.

 It's taken all of my patience and understanding to be able to handle the outbursts, one to two a week. I know she's in pain and she triggers easily. I want to be able to help her through this because we have had a good relationship in the past and she has been there for me (at least until last year). Reading about BPD has helped me to be able to talk to her. She is slowly getting better, and more affectionate. We're both going to therapy (still undiagnosed and I'm not about to tell her) but it's a fragile fragile equilibrium, one that I work very hard to maintain. I try to remain calm, predictable, do nice things for her everyday, minimize my independent social life, do most of the housework, basically minimize any stress.

But I know she's on a hair trigger and how little it takes to see the emotional and angry side. She says she still doesn't trust that I will be there for her. I don't know how to convince her that after everything she put me through, the fact that I'm still here wanting this relationship to work. I know I'm not ready to leave the relationship and that I still love her but her love feels so conditional and I don't ever feel like I can emotionally rely on her. I force myself to not think about the future because the idea of a partner I can feel free around seems like a fantasy.

I recognize that my family is not blameless but I should be able to dictate the terms of my relationship with them. It's not like I think we can all be one big happy family but if these are my last years on earth, I want to be able to make some peace with all the people around me. And I know I can't help her overcome her pain. I can only help provide a supportive environment but it's coming at a cost I don't know how much longer I can bear. I feel alone and isolated.

If there's one thing I've learned about myself this last year, it's that I can find a way to keep going and to stay resilient but I know I need some help right now. I think I need help establishing boundaries. And maybe some hope that the relationship can get better.

Any advice is appreciated. Apologies for the long post.

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[Radcliff]

These are tough relationships.  We're sorry for the difficulties you're facing, but are glad you've found us.

I think I need help establishing boundaries. And maybe some hope that the relationship can get better.

Bingo.  You've got it.  Check out this page on setting boundaries.  Coping in a BPD relationship requires large doses of empathy as well as boundaries.  You've got the first part.  In order to work on boundaries, you have to be willing to disturb the delicate equilibrium.  It's not a bad idea to start small, and build your muscle/skill with boundaries.  What are some boundaries issues you face besides the one with your family?  Can you think of any smaller challenges to tackle first?

RC

[Codepanda19]

RC, thanks for the link. Definitely a lot of useful information on there! Reading through drove home a point for me: her needs have dominated this relationship for so long that I don't think I've ever really considered what I want out the relationship and what my core values are so I guess I need to start there.

I think being able to meet up with friends solo here and there or going out to exercise in the evenings might be a good low hanging fruit to start with. Is starting small more for my benefit or for hers? (Part of me feels like I'll use up my brownie points going after the small stuff or is that faulty logic?)

[Radcliff]

You're off to a good start!  Without boundaries, you'll lose yourself.  As difficult as it is to get boundaries, it's crucial to your relationship long term.

Starting small is really for both of you.  When you start asserting boundaries, the other person is not going to like it, and will push back.  When we're feeling confident, we can assert boundaries with less drama.  It's hard to be really confident with the big stuff.  It's like learning to surf on small waves instead of big ones.  If you jump straight to the big ones, you'll get thrashed!  I wouldn't look at it as using up your points.  You'll be able to surf the big ones when you've gotten more practice.  Don't look at it as using up your points.  I'd look at it as being effective with as little drama, pain, and wasted effort as possible.  If you can get wins on the small stuff, you'll be more energized and confident.  That time with friends will help you be a better husband!

The time with friends boundary sounds like a good one to start with.  If you were going to plan ahead, and think of a way to set things up with her that you were going out with friends in a way that was sensitive to her feelings, etc, etc, how might you approach it?

RC