Married to a serial cheater with BPD

[SlimJimJellyBean]

Hello. Allow me to give you by back story. I got pregnant and married when I was in my early twenties to a mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive man. We had 2 unplanned sons together and I eventually left. I began dating a man (in 2006) that I grew up with. He was one of my brother's best friends. We went to school together and literally grew up in the same neighborhood. He was wonderful to me and to my sons. We married in 2008 and had yet another son in 2010. On 10/31/2013 I found out he was having affairs with at least 2 different women. One was his secretary (he's an attorney) and the other a client. It was shortly after this that I found out he had being unfaithful throughout the duration of our relationship. I also found out he had never been faithful to anyone. Ever. It was soon discovered that he has BPD. It took months to get the few details I got out of him and I'm quite certain it isn't the entire truth. He had a totally different existence outside of our home. He was living 2 totally separate lives. I opted to stay in the marriage until my oldest son graduated from high school. Which is coming up this June. We sleep in separate rooms and don't do anything together that isn't family oriented. But he has spent the past 5 years doing everything in his power to try to get me to stay with him. When I ask him why he cheated he simply blames it on BPD and says I will never understand. He has been awful to me, I know that, but it's so confusing when he is so thoughtful and kind to my face. I need perspective and support. I also need to feel like I'm not alone. I'm in this horrible cycle of manipulation and it's so exhausting. Sometimes I just feel like giving up and just staying. I just turned 40 and it feels like I'm too old to start over. I also feel like a complete failure and am embarrassed about having 2 failed marriages and 3 kids by 2 different men.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ozzie101]

Hello SlimJimJellyBean! Welcome to the family!

I'm so sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you've found us. This is a supportive group with a lot of information and experience to share. If you just need a place to vent, we're good for that too. You are most definitely not alone.

It sounds like you've had a lot of heartache and I can certainly understand why. A violation of trust like that is incredibly painful and hard to deal with. I can understand feeling like a failure (I've felt that way myself), but please know that men like your husband can be very charismatic and very manipulative. Incredibly smart, intuitive people can be easily snowed by someone with a personality disorder. Even mental health professionals.

How, if I may ask, was his BPD discovered? Is he getting any kind of treatment?

[SlimJimJellyBean]

He started going to a psychiatrist shortly after I found out because he was having difficulty regulating his emotional outbursts. She diagnosed him. He does have a therapist but I’m not sure how much it’s helping. He’s just so emotionally closed off and quite good at lying. He’s rarely honest with himself so  not sure how honest he would be with someone else.

[Ozzie101]

You're right. There's a good chance that he's not being fully honest with his therapist. Though it's a good sign she was able to diagnose him. But therapy for people with personality disorders is notoriously tricky and unless it's the right kind and fully embraced, it's often unsuccessful.

You're dealing with a lot right now and self-care is very important. Hobbies. A support system (beyond this site, of course). Do you have those? What do you do to take care of yourself?

[SlimJimJellyBean]

I have an amazing therapist. I also workout just about every day. I also paint, which helps tremendously. I have an anxiety disorder now as well, which is super fun.

[SlimJimJellyBean]

I do have some amazing friends but as with all adults, it’s difficult to find time to get together. My family is a bit dysfunctional so I don’t have a lot of support there. My brother remains friends with my husband and my mother thinks I should stay with him for financial security.

[Ozzie101]

That's great that you have a therapist and hobbies. And I hope you'll use this site as another source of support. We have a lot of experience and a lot of tools you can use, whatever you decide to do in your relationship. I am sorry you have difficulty, though, with your family. You'll find other members here who are going through (or have gone through) something very similar.

I've had some issues of a slightly different nature with members of my family lately (a couple of my sisters want me to divorce my H). My therapist reminds me that the key thing is, it's my marriage. Only my H and I know what it's like and what really happens in it. The decisions are ours alone. We do not need approval from anyone else. Not always easy to put into practice, but she's right.

The push and pull, back and forth can be very confusing -- like emotional whiplash. It makes plans and thinking through what we want to happen that much harder. Is that something you've talked about with your therapist? Have you discussed or thought about what you want to happen after your son graduates?

Could you describe a little more what your interactions are like? Beyond the infidelity, are there other problems in your relationship?

[SlimJimJellyBean]

Well, the reason behind waiting for him, specifically, to graduate is he is my sensitive son and I try to make all decisions based on what's best for all of them. My middle son is on the autism spectrum and has his set group of people that he's close to. He will be fine as long as he has me. My youngest loves his dad (my H) but they don't have the best dynamic. When my H is around he exhibits a lot more behavioral issues. He's always been that way. There's something in his dad's personality that triggers him. We have discussed him moving out after the graduation, but he is desperate for that to not happen so he doesn't want to talk about it. Ever. Our interactions are pretty forced. We parent well together for the most part, but his energy is stifling. We are respectful of each other and civil. I don't generally share what I'm feeling or thinking because he tends to meltdown like a child. Looking back I can see the issues that I overlooked early in the relationship. He didn't live with us for the first year after we were married because he was still in law school. When he moved in after graduation he was more closed off and seemingly depressed but he always said it was the stress from his job. It continued to worsen but I can't say we ever really fought. We didn't. And he was never unkind. Just quiet, but he had always been quiet. All of my friends and family thought we had the perfect relationship. His sex drive (at least with me) was lacking. That was a source of tension between us. I honestly never thought he would cheat on me. I was totally blindsided.

[Perdita]

SlimJim,

You say you are embarrassed about having 2 failed marriages and 3 children by these 2 men.  I can understand why you feel that way.  There are a lot of things  about being with a BPD partner that is embarrassing and I do believe most of us keep a lot from family and friends as a result. 

I just want to remind you that there are people all over the place that have been married more than once and have children from these marriages. Apparently perfectly "normal" people.  There's nothing for you to be embarrassed about. I know far more people in their second marriages than those still in their first marriage.  You don't have to feel ashamed.

[Ozzie101]

Slim, it's difficult to feel like you can't share things with your partner. I know. I've been there. When my H is in a dysregulation phase, any time I tried to talk about my own pains and frustrations (even not related to him), he would get annoyed at me for only thinking about myself. Eventually, I stopped. But bottling up isn't healthy either. Talking to a therapist and journaling can help release those feelings in a healthy way.

As you probably know, people with BPD often have major abandonment issues. The idea of having to move out could be a huge trigger for your husband, which is probably a big part of his avoidance and could possibly lead to difficulties after your son graduates.

You say he tends to melt down like a child. Could you describe one of those instances -- what triggered it, how he acted, how you reacted?

(And Perdita is right. You have nothing to be ashamed of! :hug