She wants to come home but I’m torn

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been sitting in front of this empty form for too long, crafting too much in my head. So, let me just try and throw down some facts.

I just turned 50 this past month the day after i scrambled to find bail for my wife on a Saturday to get her out of jail after she was arrested for violation of a Domestic No Contact Order (Restraining order). Woot. Seems like a good intro for a movie.. so, let's flash back

[bokoshe]

I have been sitting in front of this empty form for too long, crafting too much in my head. So, let me just try and throw down some facts.

I just turned 50 this past month the day after i scrambled to find bail for my wife on a Saturday to get her out of jail after she was arrested for violation of a Domestic No Contact Order (Restraining order). Woot. Seems like a good intro for a movie.. so, let's flash back

[bokoshe]

I have been sitting in front of this empty form for too long, crafting too much in my head. So, let me just try and throw down some facts.
note #1 this was supposed to be quick, but brain broke
 note #2 i ditched effort 1 and saved the detail for another day..
 note #3 take 2 failed, as well, that writer was sacked after posting accidentally

In February, my 50th birthday arrived the day after i scrambled to find bail for my wife on a Saturday to get her out of jail after she was arrested for violation of a Domestic No Contact Order protecting me. Woot.

I have been married 20 years and have 3 children from it. They are aged 20, 17, and 15. My 17 y/o was diagnosed with autism (level 1) 2.5 years ago. He is very smart, though, with the autism apparent in ADHD, mental processing speed vs depth, but definitely in some social areas. My 15 y/o daughter has acute school anxiety which has kept her from most of school this 2019 year.. I am struggling to just get her to school any day.

My wife  ended up with a new NCO and is still out of the house, but I have heard via my children that she expects to be returning as soon as the first court date this Thursday on removing the NCO. I am the sole financial earner and I am struggling to work at all at the moment due to my daughter with anxiety, the research for new therapists for her and her brother who wants to see someone for his ADHD and depression. Not to mention finding support for myself. I already blew through all my personal time off earlier this year while trying to cope with my wife having a huge breakdown which included a lot of suicidal moments which lead to several incidents culminating in the above arrest. Yet, despite all the stress of dealing with this, I really have enjoyed having a house where there was no conflict. No fights between me and the kids, or amoungst themselves.

I talked with a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner last week who was struggling to get sift through my wife's three sessions and grab a diagnosis. After talking with me, she seemed to solidify what she had been thinking already. Bipolar and Borderline personality disorders. She said that it had taken three sessions to gain some understanding when it usually just took one session to diagnosis, build a treatment plan, and be done. 20 years of marriage challenges seemed to be finally validated with some actual diagnosis.

I tried to separate last summer and failed because I wanted to do it nicely with good medical support for her and she completely refused to consider separation and promised to NEVER divorce me. (note: you cannot block it in my state, but it took a while for her to actually talk to a lawyer and realize that). Regardless, i caved and didn't file.

But, i do not think i can wait any longer.. but, as i say that, all the reasons to not start creeping into my head. She has no friends, no functional family (well, her sister was out here to "help".. but she is a huge confrontational mess.. And my mother-in-law is truly the matriarch of it all), hates our region, seems so lost and unhappy and possibly suicidal... so many reasons to feel guilty

My wife has a hearing this Thursday and I could show up and speak on her favor to release this NCO or I could tell the court that my son does not what her home.. that I do not want her home.. and that might send her back into another terrible spiral... i am an emotional mess..

[WindofChange]

Hi Bokoshe. You're really dealing with a lot. No wonder you feel like an emotional mess.  Who wouldn't? It sounds like an incredibly difficult choice. So your wife has no one else who could let her stay with them for a while? It doesn't sound like a great move to bring her back into the house if your son doesn't want her there either. What if you let her come back on the condition that she agree to see a therapist regularly? And if she doesn't, she has to leave? It's just a thought.
How is your own support system? Do you have family/friends you can talk to?

[Ozzie101]

I'd like to join WindofChange in welcoming you to the boards!

It definitely sounds like you have a lot to deal with. It's certainly understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed.

FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) can be very strong, powerful forces and it's difficult to struggle through to see things clearly. I've been there. So, I can understand your impulse to bring her back to your home. But, given the situations with your children, that may not be the best thing and they (and your own emotional health) should be the priority. Are there any options for your wife's care other than her coming back into the house?

And I second Wind in asking about your support system. Self-care is so important in situations like this and I hope you're taking care of yourself.

[bokoshe]

Thank you for the warm welcome. I am already feeling better as i begin to read your stories and realize that I have found my support group of those who have/are been there. As for a personal support system, I am fortunate that I have an older sister who has her life together and who just sent her youngest off to college this year, so she has more time on her hands to deal with me. I lost close touch with all of my local friends over the years since it was a fight to get time to spend with them. My wife really wanted us to do everything together, have everything in both of our names, etc.. it was very difficult to stay independent in any sense.

That said, i have one college friend that has stayed in touch with me over the years and he has been willing to try and be supportive throughout the last 7-10 years of excitement. Also, my son has become very focused on exercising, so I have started my home workouts with him which have been quite helpful in stress management.

FOG... What a perfect acronym. Those feelings truly have kept me from moving away from this relationship over the years. I do not know how many times a therapist asked me "what is keeping you here", and my response is Guilt, Duty (obligation)... Unlike some, though, I do not know if I ever really loved my wife other than eventually loving the mother of my children. And yet, I would tell her again and again when she told me she needed to hear it that i loved her.. i think it was Fear of being lonely again that drove me to say that in the early years. eventually ,guilt about not being honest began to drive me to say it (and stay in the relationship) later on..

The psychiatrist mentioned the Impulsiveness of a BPD is what she hears when she listened to the way our relationship developed quickly after a few months with her quitting a job in NYC without having another one (and living on the Upper East Side), and then my moving in with her to help with rent. I never questioned it because of that loneliness... i was the introvert software engineer without a GF, without sex, for at least a couple of years at that point... <sigh> ... seems more clear than ever in retrospect

back to the present... my wife has an appointment with the psychiatrist this morning. I think it might be the first time she will hear this diagnosis and the suggested treatment plan of inpatient care or partial hospitalization.. The psychiatrist thinks she needs more help than a weekly session with a private practitioner.. and was a bit worried that my wife will start to feel abandoned by her like she is highly focused on with me.. the most recent all consuming issue in my wife's mind is how i abandoned her in the hospital after the police had her involuntarily hospitalized after she held an 8 inch knife to her wrist in front of me and my 15 y/o daughter... I came to the hospital but she became agitated with me, so the nurse asked me to leave the room.. i listened to her scream my name for 15 minutes before I called a crisis hot line to talk with someone.. when I came back inside,  i could not hear her anymore... when i inquired, a nurse came out and told me she was sedated and I should go home to stay with the kids, get them to school the next day, and check back with the hospital. Which is what I did... My wife had a cathetar placed involuntarily at some point and now tells me that i abandoned her to be raped in the hospital... and says this in front of our children...

i have so much on mind ... it is hard to stay focused..

[Ozzie101]

You have A LOT to deal with. It's understandable that you're struggling and have trouble staying focused. But that's one place where this board can come in handy -- as a sounding board but also as a way to clarify thoughts. And I'm very glad you have a sister and a friend you can turn to. That support system is invaluable.

Yes, abandonment fears can be super-strong in pwBPD. Even the slightest thing can be a trigger.

From the sounds of things, the psychiatrist is probably right. A once-a-week meeting with a therapist isn't going to solve the problem.

If you had to point to one thing about the situation that is the most urgent, of the most immediate importance, what would it be?

[bokoshe]

Ozzie, that is a great question and I am going to reflect on it a bit more.. My most pressing need is probably more of a general parenting issue with my 15 y/o daughter's anxiety and the fact that she is missing almost all of school every day.  This is pressing for multiple reasons for her, but for me it is a huge amount of stress, lost time and self-doubt.. I am paying for a "specialist" psychologist out of network, but I cannot decide if she is just not a good fit or what.. and I obviously have a LOT of time to dig into that front.

However, the Thursday hearing and the possible outcome from it is the most urgent because of the feelings of my son who has been in regular contact with his mother. My daughter is a harder read because she never wants to say anything bad about either parent, but i have gotten a sense that she is a bit worried about how the house will do.. They both have stated that my wife has been bad-mouthing me a lot whenever they are with her.

I am feeling a lot of support already here already and feel very safe letting this all out.

THANK YOU

[Ozzie101]

That is a very big decision you have coming up. I can't tell you what to do, of course. I just urge you to think about yourself and your children and do what you think is right. Ultimately, that's all any of us can really do.

I can understand it's difficult for your children. They're fortunate to have a healthy, caring parent like you in their lives to provide love and stability for them.

It's difficult right now, but things can get better.

Do keep posting! We're here to listen and to give advice where we can.

[bokoshe]

I noticed that this topic was moved. However, while it might _seem_ like I am uncertain, I am not. I want out ... desperately ... i am here looking for guidance, help, support in making this happen. I can find no loving feelings for my wife.. i am not at all like those in this Bettering section who are conflicted because they DO have loving feelings. I tried to leave last summer and the results were horrific. I got spooked and said i would try to work on the marriage with counseling.. I no longer want to do this.. i have a lawyer who is preparing papers... I'm trying to figure out how to get out in the best way possible, but the current situation is a Legal mess.. My wife has 3 charges against her..  1. Domestic assault (me), 2. Assault against <someone> (i think it might be a police officer when she was involuntarily taken to the hospital), 3. Violation of No Contact Order (originally issued after the first arrest for #1 above)

so.. yeah.. i think this topic needs to go back to the Separation section.. please

[WindofChange]

Maybe someone just saw the topic of the thread and misjudged it. Hopefully you can get it back to the detaching group. Obviously, as you've said, you're done.
Sounds like things are up in the air until the hearing on Thursday. Ugh, I'm so sorry! You are dealing with a Lot. Hopefully she can be hospitalized for a bit until she is more stable, which will buy you some time as well to try to help your daughter. Does your daughter like her T (therapist)? If she doesn't, or doesn't feel like the T is helping, maybe it is an idea to look into finding a different one at some point. And I know you're concerned about your son as well. As others have said, we can't tell you what to do. But at least you can vent, think out loud, get some feedback, and that may help you.
But one step at a time. I'm glad you have supportive people in your life. You definitely need that.

[Radcliff]

so.. yeah.. i think this topic needs to go back to the Separation section.. please

As a rule, we move active couples to "Bettering" when they join to learn the basic relationship skills to ease the immediate conflict. "Detaching" is for members who are out of a relationship for a month or more and are primarily processing post relationship grief... topics like this don't fit there. Each community ha a different culture and style.

"Conflicted" is generally for members who have no energy to try.

We have moved you to "conflicted" since you are not finding "Bettering" to be a good fit. Hope that helps.

Relocate members to this "Reversing a Breakup" board if a member's spouse or partner is on the verge of a break-up (or has just broken up) AND the member is wanting to rekindle the relationship. Often members come here after a fight and say very negative things - more out of hurt and defensiveness than intent or desire. The members on this board will work through this emotionally intense, minute-by-minute, member coaching.

Suggest or relocate to the "Bettering a Relationship" board if the member is still in a relationship (no matter how frustrated) because the member's spouse or partner is still engaged in the relationship. These members need tools. Often frustrated spouses/partners go directly Detaching because it is validating to their side of the conflict. This validation can easily turn to triangulation (see drama triangle) that will inflame the conflict at home and make matters worse.
https://bpdfamily.com/ambassadors/03.htm

[Skip]

What are the childrens' expectations in all of this?

[bokoshe]

  Radcliff

Got it. Thanks for the definitions.

[Ozzie101]

I second WindofChange. What is it that makes you think your daughter's T might not be a good fit? Progress on issues like this can be very slow, which is frustrating but not necessarily a sign that it's not working. On the other hand, if they're not connecting or if your daughter doesn't feel safe and heard, then it might be a good idea to find a new one.

[bokoshe]

What are the childrens' expectations in all of this?

Are you asking what they expect will happen? Or, what they want to happen?

[Skip]

I was asking "want to happen". How about we look at both for each child?

[bokoshe]

I second WindofChange. What is it that makes you think your daughter's T might not be a good fit? Progress on issues like this can be very slow, which is frustrating but not necessarily a sign that it's not working. On the other hand, if they're not connecting or if your daughter doesn't feel safe and heard, then it might be a good idea to find a new one.

My daughter told me that her attention wanders during sessions and that she wishes that they did things more like the therapist her best friend has.. which is to get out of the office and move around.. my daughter's therapist won't do this because of concern for confidentiality (which i understand)..  however, i am not sure that my daughter is really practicing the tools that her therapist is guiding her towards. She uses CBT and has been trying to get my daughter to practice exercises when she is NOT stressed/anxious.. which I do not think she has been doing... so, i'm still leaning towards staying the course because I understand that these can take time... it's just very hard when it is only one of a few major time-consuming stressful issues ongoing right now..

My daughter definitely feels safe, and she doesn't dislike her...

[Ozzie101]

In that case, you may be right to stay the course for a while. Therapy can work, but if your daughter won't put in that work, then things won't really improve. Have you mentioned that to her therapist (I know confidentiality may apply somewhat)?

[bokoshe]

I was asking "want to happen". How about we look at both for each child?

Note: I have not told the children that their mother is being diagnosed BPD and Bipolar. I wanted to give my wife opportunity to talk with them herself. however, I just learned last night that she has terminated the relationship with the psychiatric nurse practitioner with the following statement: "Her treatment has been subpar. I will not ever see one. I will only see a real doctor of psychiatry." She is trying a new "real" psychiatrist next week. All that my children know about their mother's care is that she has been getting "some kind of infusions" (she signed herself up for ketamine infusions)

My son wants his mother to stay away from his home until she can be a "functional" parent. He doesn't want a parent who gets angry, confrontational, and name-calls the other parent and other people.  If she and were to live together right now, he expects that she would be fighting with me and that we would be right back to where we were 2 months with him calling 911 again and the cycle starting over

My daughter is very hard to get a read on because she really, really does not want to talk about this situation and never wants to say a bad word about either parent (which I always tell her is a great thing).. but, that makes it hard for her to really voice a negative feeling if she actually has one..

[Skip]

You could practice with her... and use CBT on yourself to show her.  This book lays it all out.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Author: David D. Burns, MD Publisher: Harper; 1980, Revised edition (October 1, 1999) Paperback: 736 pages ISBN-10: 0380810336 ISBN-13: 978-0380810338       Take Depression Test

[Skip]

My son wants his mother to stay away from his home until she can be a "functional" parent.

My daughter ..//.. never wants to say a bad word about either parent.

Have to talked to them about divorce and never living together as a family again? With them spending time with her are "wherever" she lives?  That is a lot more permanent/daunting.

Have you explored with your wife the possibility of moving into a temporary separation and trying to sort things out - like maybe a six month lease in an apartment very close to where you live?  This doesn't commit you to anything and provides a framework to transition to something better (together or apart).

[bokoshe]

Have to talked to them about divorce and never living together as a family again? With them spending time with her are "wherever" she lives?  That is a lot more permanent/daunting.

Yes, i had this conversation with them last summer because I tried to separate and divorce. My wife had gone off of Cymbalta cold turkey and the subsequent interactions became the last straw for me. I had been wanting to finally throw in the towel for good since August 2017 after my father passed and I did some deep inner searching.  Our marriage was at yet another low (seemed to cycle about every 3 years) and I finally decided that it was really time. However, she had phsyical health issues which caused me to delay and delay until last summer. I talked with the kids at that point and my son was kind of happy that something would finally change. My daughter was not "happy" like him, but understood why. However, i first waited and waited while trying to find a way to get her to want to approach it collaboratively. Instead, she insisted that she would never divorce me.. and if i persisted, she would get an expensive lawyer and make sure it cost as much as possible.. lots of panic attacks, fainting episodes, professions of undying love, massive angry nighttime calls 1+ hour long, etc.. i finally chickened out despite really wanting to be done.

Have you explored with your wife the possibility of moving into a temporary separation and trying to sort things out - like maybe a six month lease in an apartment very close to where you live?  This doesn't commit you to anything and provides a framework to transition to something better (together or apart).

See above. That was something i tried to talk about.. instead, she said that was stupid and wasteful and she wouldn't let the kids stay in a rental.. instead, i should buy another house right away... that was a short-term solution in her mind... like i could just do that in a week... it was challenging trying to have a linear conversation with her..  in the end, i "committed" to trying couples counseling again.

Today, she had a court hearing on a motion to modify the No Contact Order issued Feb 9.. She badgered her lawyer to have this hearing now even though her lawyer kept telling her that the court would not drop it or change it significantly this soon. Yet, my wife just kept insisting that this happen, and then would tell our kids this past week that they should expect her to be coming home today... despite being given different expectations. Well, the judge did make some minor changes to the topics that could be discussed electronically between us, but did not drop the NCO, nor reduce it to something called a No Hostile Contact Order.. However, he did accept a request that her lawyer made to allow for us to change "residences" so she could come and live at our home and "parent" assuming that I wanted to live elsewhere and moved out.. I could choose to move back in if I wanted...  I was not expecting this twist, but i was considering giving it a shot for a couple of reasons ... i talked it over with the kids letting them know that i could return ... but my son was very upset about the idea... didn't want to be home alone with his mother... leaving me with a dilemma...  I know that he has become comfortable with home being calm and safe lately, and its' prior levels of elevated stress had really affected him.. .so I don't want to push too hard ...

While i was talking at times with him this afternoon, my sister-in-law (who came back from out-of-state) sent me over 15 emails, 3 texts and a couple of voicemails all challenging why i had not moved out yet.. why i was involving the kids... what a bad parent... etc.. etc... (she is diagnosed bipolar... sure seems BPD as well to me)... My mother-in-law was calling me to push this (she is the matriarch of all these PD in my opinion)...

In the end, i said that it was not going to happen tonight.. we can all sleep on it... and see how things look tomorrow... at this point, I have a lawyer preparing papers for divorce.. i am so overwhelmed and this is with a NCO in place preventing my wife from outright communication. I fear that when it gets lifted, I will get subsumed and lose my way/will/logic... on the other hand, the guilt of doing this in midst of this crisis for her has stayed my hand up to this point... she likes to tell me that I really wait until the points where she is most vulnerable to kick her when she is down... of course, i am dealing with feeling obligated to see this current set of legal issues resolved for before introducing my own... and so FOG is trying to win again.

[Ozzie101]

she likes to tell me that I really wait until the points where she is most vulnerable to kick her when she is down... of course, i am dealing with feeling obligated to see this current set of legal issues resolved for before introducing my own... and so FOG is trying to win again.

That sounds like manipulation to me. It seems like she and her family are using all their manipulative powers to try to keep you in line. FOG is powerful, I know. To win against it, you really need to decide what you want. When you're secure in yourself and your course, it's easier to stand your ground. Does that make sense?

why i was involving the kids... what a bad parent... etc.. etc... (she is diagnosed bipolar... sure seems BPD as well to me)... My mother-in-law was calling me to push this (she is the matriarch of all these PD in my opinion)...

The kids are already involved. Their mother's violence and instability and PD have involved them and affected them in a way they shouldn't be. This is not your fault or "on you." So, don't let your in-laws make you feel guilty for this.

Just to be clear on the hearing: The NCO is still in place, but the judge has given her permission to move back into the home. If you decide to move back in or to just stay there, she has to find someplace else. Is that correct? What do you think the best thing is to do for you and for them?

[bokoshe]

That sounds like manipulation to me. It seems like she and her family are using all their manipulative powers to try to keep you in line. FOG is powerful, I know. To win against it, you really need to decide what you want. When you're secure in yourself and your course, it's easier to stand your ground. Does that make sense?

Yes, although i thought i had achieved that level of self-confidence in my decision last summer. I thought i was standing my ground by calming staying on message that our marriage is toxic to our household, that we needed to separate and ensure our children could see some kind of healthy relationship between us. In truth, looking back, i think i was already off course, though. I recall lots of anguished calls by me to 24/7 counseling lines, family members, etc.. all the time saying that I did not want to initiate something that could "break" her. It was more FOG, though. Guilt if she did "break", although it really would not be on me. Obligation to give her more time. Finally, FEAR of even worse interactions. At least, i now know that things can/will get horrific even if i let those control me and NOT do anything.

The kids are already involved. Their mother's violence and instability and PD have involved them and affected them in a way they shouldn't be. This is not your fault or "on you." So, don't let your in-laws make you feel guilty for this.

Just to be clear on the hearing: The NCO is still in place, but the judge has given her permission to move back into the home. If you decide to move back in or to just stay there, she has to find someplace else. Is that correct? What do you think the best thing is to do for you and for them?

Correct. i cannot find the appropriate emoji for this one! I do not know. However, the judge had the modification written such that it is my decision always to choose my residence. So, if i felt like I needed to come back to the family home, I could, and that she would need to leave. Basically, my residence is where I choose to establish it until this is resolved. Therefore, i thought that it would be good to give her a chance to be home and demonstrate to the children that she has made progress in becoming their functioning mom again. 

My son still has issues and it might take some counseling with him and mom to break through it. Although, I might suggest that he understand that he could just walk out to cool down and potentially come to my residence if things break down badly between them.  I do think he needs to establish some kind of relationship with his mother

[Ozzie101]

Therefore, i thought that it would be good to give her a chance to be home and demonstrate to the children that she has made progress in becoming their functioning mom again. 

Out of curiosity, has she made progress? What evidence have you seen?

My son still has issues and it might take some counseling with him and mom to break through it. Although, I might suggest that he understand that he could just walk out to cool down and potentially come to my residence if things break down badly between them.  I do think he needs to establish some kind of relationship with his mother

It's usually ideal for children to have healthy relationships with both parents. (Emphasis on the "healthy.") If your son is too resistant, though, that might not be possible right now. Has a therapist talked to him and evaluated the situation? Some sort of counseling and professional help might be in order to make sure it's all handled in the best way possible.

[bokoshe]

Out of curiosity, has she made progress? What evidence have you seen?

No idea, but i am not very confident that there has been progress on BPD behaviour. In fact, I do not know for sure that she was given the BPD and Bipolar diagnosis. If so, i am pretty sure she rejected it since she she shopped for a new psychiatrist. However, she might have made progress on some depression and PTSD issues from events earlier in February, and those are one large element on what drove recent incidents (including suicidal talk and other disturbed actions). Her sister will be with her for the short term (i cannot decide if that is a positive or negative, but..) All that said, what i have heard from the kids and her lawyer does not make me think that the deep seated patterns have changed much at all.

i'm off to pack and maybe actually get to my office for a bit of sync up on the job front.

It's usually ideal for children to have healthy relationships with both parents. (Emphasis on the "healthy.") If your son is too resistant, though, that might not be possible right now. Has a therapist talked to him and evaluated the situation? Some sort of counseling and professional help might be in order to make sure it's all handled in the best way possible.

I agree, which is why i continued to talk with him and tell him just that. This morning we talked about a "safety" plan if the residence swap happened. I told him that he can always walk out the door if triggered for immediate relief, and I can come grab him if he thinks he needs more than a few minutes. Also, in the extreme, I can just choose to move back in which would force her out. That is not a scenario i want, but it is allowed and the thought helps, I think.
After sleeping on it, he has decided to give mom a chance to demonstrate (or not) that things are different.
BTW, he does have a counseling appointment coming up in about 7-10 days and we have been working with her (the clinic psychologist) on finding a more long-term therapist.

[Skip]

Usually the residence swap, or parenting in place, happens each week. Is that what you are thinking?  To get an apartment and then share weeks?

[bokoshe]

Usually the residence swap, or parenting in place, happens each week. Is that what you are thinking?  To get an apartment and then share weeks?

Oh, goodness, that is way too advanced (and cooperative) for me to even consider. However, super cool way to keep kids in consistent home with a lot of demonstration of parents working together..

I am just talking about while the court case is ongoing and the NCO is in place.. My lawyer will have divorce papers prepared early next week and then I have some decisions to make. However, my wife has another court date (pre-trial hearing) on Monday. As far as I can tell, she seems to think (or just hope) that everything will just be dropped and it all goes all away clean and tidy.. I can talk with her lawyer some days (other days my wife apparently tells her lawyer to not talk with me) and when we can talk, she has pretty consistently said that she does not expect this to all wrap up super fast nor very cleanly.. One charge (domestic assault against me) will be dropped because I do not plan on testifying.. but that leaves a violation of a no-contact order and another assault charge against an officer.  I do not think that the city attorney has any interest in letting everything drop this quickly based on what just happened in court yesterday. I think she wants to keep the NCO going much longer

so... i do not really know what the status will be by end of day Monday. Yesterday taught me to avoid making too many assumptions...

Meanwhile, it has been 3/4 of day at the family residence with my wife, her sister moving in with our 15 y/o daughter and 17 y/o son and fights and stress have already erupted ... my son is not doing well with her parenting style (as he expressed anxiety about earlier).. furthermore, my wife has a tendency to get into the kids rooms (where they have traditionally gone to escape all the various fights, breakdowns, etc) and not leave until she feels like she gets her message driven home.. this has often lead to blow-ups between her and each of my children at different times..

To be clear, some of this starts with reasonable requests/observations by her (he left dirty dishes in the sink and did not put them in the dishwasher), but it then becomes more about the interaction in delivering requests or observations. I know how incredibly grating those interactions can be since I am the one who has received so many of them over all the years.

so. I will have the ability to file next week... but... i am super lost about whether that will blow up in my face, if my kids will look back and be like "wow, that was some great timing regardless of what was going on" .. whether i should even be wondering about that... like several other threads across these forums "i really feel like i have absolutely no idea what the hell I am doing"

<head exploding emoji here... like a Scanners type of explosion>

[Skip]

Have you talked to your attorney about moving out and the filing? That usually has  strong influence on who receives the house in the end. After yu move out, she can change the locks and seek a possession of the house in the TO.

Many members here have regretted a move like that.