I knew we needed to break up...so why do I feel so broken-hearted now?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm hoping someone can shed some light on this for me. For months, I've felt it was best to at some point end things with my now exBPDbf and former fiancé. Well, we finally did that. Now I feel so horribly sad and guilty and keep second guessing myself. What the heck is wrong with me? I knew that despite the fact that I still love him and we have this amazing physical connection, that long term, it wasn't enough to build a future on. My sons, mom, friends won't accept him. I could live with everyone else but my sons not liking him. There are other things as well, but the gist of it is that I knew it couldn't work long term. So I knew it had to end. But now that it's ended, I am really hurting. I miss him so, so much. I keep thinking about all the good times (though I do force myself to remember the bad ones, to remind myself why it ended).  But he really was trying to do better, I think. I've prayed about it, and the feeling I get is that it isn't meant to be because he just isn't good for me.  I couldn't take the worrying and agonizing over his depression anymore. I couldn't take the sadness over my sons disapproving of me continuing to see him after all he put me through last year. But now I feel like I gave up on him, like I abandoned him. My sons are college age, but I had to put them first, right? How could I continue in a relationship that might keep them from wanting to come around me? And what message would that send to them that their mother puts up with a man who hurt her so badly in the past? I don't know.
So why am I so freaking sad? Is it because the physical connection and closeness was such an addiction? I had never given so much of myself to anyone ever before. And I gave him everything of me. I had never felt such a powerful love for another person romantically before. And now it's over. I am just trying to understand my own crazy feelings so I can move on. I know I need to let go. And I'm really trying.
I think part of it is the codependency thing. Part of it may be that during the worst times of emotional abuse (never physical, thankfully), our bond became like a trauma bond. Despite how awful he was to me, I kept putting up with it, kept bending over backward to try to make it work, kept holding on to the times when it was good again. Then he would spiral down and be horrible again. And after he kept lying to me, I finally moved out last April. But we had been seeing each other again since August, and although it was better since I wasn't living with him, he wasn't happy that we only saw each other once or twice a week, and pushed for us to live together again. I was afraid of being engulfed again, and with going back to school, I knew I couldn't afford it (living with my mom right now to save money).  I also didn't want to be the one paying all the rent if his unemployment ran out before he could find another job. So I resisted.
Last summer, I went through a lot with working on detaching from him. I was exercising to exhaustion, journaling, spending some time with friends and family, going to church, etc. And I was doing better but then we got back together.  Now the thought of going through all of the pain Again is overwhelming. I'm exercising, I'm journaling, I'm trying to read some of the articles on here as well, along with others' posts. Yesterday it was a fight to get through the workday without crying, but I did it. I went to the gym afterward and ran. Then came home and cried. A lot.
I know this is a long and rambling post. I'm just struggling. I see my T Saturday, but that seems like such a long time to wait. Work is slow right now so all I do is sit and dwell on this. Please, if anyone has any insight to offer, or suggestions to help me get through it, I would welcome them.

[WindofChange]

I'm hoping someone can shed some light on this for me. For months, I've felt it was best to at some point end things with my now exBPDbf and former fiancé. Well, we finally did that. Now I feel so horribly sad and guilty and keep second guessing myself. What the heck is wrong with me? I knew that despite the fact that I still love him and we have this amazing physical connection, that long term, it wasn't enough to build a future on. My sons, mom, friends won't accept him. I could live with everyone else but my sons not liking him. There are other things as well, but the gist of it is that I knew it couldn't work long term. So I knew it had to end. But now that it's ended, I am really hurting. I miss him so, so much. I keep thinking about all the good times (though I do force myself to remember the bad ones, to remind myself why it ended).  But he really was trying to do better, I think. I've prayed about it, and the feeling I get is that it isn't meant to be because he just isn't good for me.  I couldn't take the worrying and agonizing over his depression anymore. I couldn't take the sadness over my sons disapproving of me continuing to see him after all he put me through last year. But now I feel like I gave up on him, like I abandoned him. My sons are college age, but I had to put them first, right? How could I continue in a relationship that might keep them from wanting to come around me? And what message would that send to them that their mother puts up with a man who hurt her so badly in the past? I don't know.
So why am I so freaking sad? Is it because the physical connection and closeness was such an addiction? I had never given so much of myself to anyone ever before. And I gave him everything of me. I had never felt such a powerful love for another person romantically before. And now it's over. I am just trying to understand my own crazy feelings so I can move on. I know I need to let go. And I'm really trying.
I think part of it is the codependency thing. Part of it may be that during the worst times of emotional abuse (never physical, thankfully), our bond became like a trauma bond. Despite how awful he was to me, I kept putting up with it, kept bending over backward to try to make it work, kept holding on to the times when it was good again. Then he would spiral down and be horrible again. And after he kept lying to me, I finally moved out last April. But we had been seeing each other again since August, and although it was better since I wasn't living with him, he wasn't happy that we only saw each other once or twice a week, and pushed for us to live together again. I was afraid of being engulfed again, and with going back to school, I knew I couldn't afford it (living with my mom right now to save money).  I also didn't want to be the one paying all the rent if his unemployment ran out before he could find another job. So I resisted.
Last summer, I went through a lot with working on detaching from him. I was exercising to exhaustion, journaling, spending some time with friends and family, going to church, etc. And I was doing better but then we got back together.  Now the thought of going through all of the pain Again is overwhelming. I'm exercising, I'm journaling, I'm trying to read some of the articles on here as well, along with others' posts. Yesterday it was a fight to get through the workday without crying, but I did it. I went to the gym afterward and ran. Then came home and cried. A lot.
I know this is a long and rambling post. I'm just struggling. I see my T Saturday, but that seems like such a long time to wait. Work is slow right now so all I do is sit and dwell on this. Please, if anyone has any insight to offer, or suggestions to help me get through it, I would welcome them.

[Lucky Jim]

Part of it may be that during the worst times of emotional abuse (never physical, thankfully), our bond became like a trauma bond. Despite how awful he was to me, I kept putting up with it, kept bending over backward to try to make it work, kept holding on to the times when it was good again. Then he would spiral down and be horrible again.

Hey WindofChange, Right, it still hurts to leave even when you know it's the right thing to do, so I would say what you are experiencing is normal and to be expected.  A BPD r/s is akin to an addiction in the sense that one knows it's bad for oneself, yet one still wants to participate in it.  The first step is the hardest, so keep up the good work.  It's rough, but will lead to greater happiness, I'm confident.  I admire your courage in making the tough call, which is also the right call for you.

LuckyJim

LuckyJim

[Doughboy]

Sorry to read all that has happened.  I, like many others, have been through this multiple times and it is a process every time.  I have found that doing things I used to do with the Ex, by myself, is empowering.  Try to focus on the reasons that it would not work also.  Not in a mean and hurtful way but in matter of fact way.  Reality does quite a bit to keep things clear. What I feel you are mourning is what could have been or should have been...if your ex was not the person he is.  You are morning a fantasy and a dream in a way as opposed to reality.

My Ex Wife, who is my best friend, has me reciting the mantra, "You are not welcome her", every night before bed as a way to get it ingrained for the inevitable pop up in the future.  I actually helps a little.  This time for me has been the easiest so far of the 4 times.  Not a tear and the absurdity of some of things she has said have left their mark. 

Keep doing the things you are doing and try to remember that you did this once and that you can do it again.  You have proven to yourself it is possible...not easy but possible.

[WindofChange]

Lucky Jim, thanks for letting me know it's normal because it feels pretty excessive. But I do get that these relationships affect us in a powerful way. I jjust don't want to feel this pain, I want to be on the other side of it already. But there's no getting around it. I appreciate your response. Thank you for the encouragement!

Doughboy, thank you as well. That's an interesting idea, to do the things alone that we used to do together. Not sure that I can do it without feeling terribly sad, but maybe at some point. I will try to focus more on the reasons why it can't work, rather than remembering the good things. You're exactly right, I am mourning the picture in my head of what I thought it could be. Despite everything, I kept holding out this small hope that if he kept going to therapy he would be healed, then get a good job, become more responsible and more mature...and he could still do those things at some point. But I just can't wait anymore. I do hope he finds someone emotionally low key and stable who can help him feel safe and supported, emotionally and financially. If he has that, maybe he can get a low stress job or get on disability, and continue with therapy and get better. It just won't be while he's with me. And I have to accept it and work on letting go.
A mantra is also an interesting thought. I'll try to come up with something and try it, too. Thank you!

[Lucky Jim]

I do get that these relationships affect us in a powerful way. I jjust don't want to feel this pain, I want to be on the other side of it already. But there's no getting around it.

Right, it's painful to part ways with a pwBPD, which is why I suspect a lot of us (including me) have recycled.  Yet the relief from a recycle is short-lived and only postpones the inevitable process that you are going through.  Your suffering, however, is what leads to greater happiness, which in my view is what it's all about.

LJ

[WindofChange]

Right, it's painful to part ways with a pwBPD, which is why I suspect a lot of us (including me) have recycled.  Yet the relief from a recycle is short-lived and only postpones the inevitable process that you are going through.  Your suffering, however, is what leads to greater happiness, which in my view is what it's all about.

LJ

Well, this relationship has taught me that I have poor boundaries and that I'm codependent, which I never knew until a year ago. So in that way, it has shown me what I need to work on in myself. Hopefully I can heal from those things, and from the trauma of this relationship and then have a healthier relationship at some point. Is that what you mean by the suffering leading to greater happiness? 

[Lucky Jim]

Hopefully I can heal from those things, and from the trauma of this relationship and then have a healthier relationship at some point. Is that what you mean by the suffering leading to greater happiness?

Yes!  That's exactly what I mean.  You already know what you need to work on, which is why I predict that you will emerge stronger and will move on to a healthier r/s.  It's definitely do-able!

LJ