Trying to understand feeling confused

[Tiberius]

Hi, I’m new to doing this wanting to know and hear stories of if what I’m going through sounds like BPD, something else, or if it is in fact me. Been off and on with my ex for 3 years when we first met I couldn’t believe how great things were. Was told compliments everyday about me my family my friends my job I felt like someone who had won the lottery. 8 months in I asked ‘her’ my g.f if she would like to go on a trip to see a friend of mine from h.s. She was excited and told me yes that she would like to. So i bought the plane tickets and set a date to go. I can remember sitting on the couch watching t.v telling her I was excited for her to go on this trip with me and began telling her how good of a friend he was to me and how whenever times where hard he was there to help me. After I told her this I noticed a shift in her mood it was subtle but enough to notice. Up to this point we had not had one argument or fight, 3 days before our flight was scheduled to leave she expressed that she knew she wasnt going to get along with my friends fiancé. She told me that she doesn’t get along with other women and just has a feeling, I did what I thought was best and told her not to worry that the two of them had similar interests and if they don’t get along I’m not going to take off and leave her with my friends fiancé that I would be there by her side the entire time. The day we go to leave 5 hrs before our flight after I went to pick her up she started what I can only describe as a tantrum about not wanting to go how I don’t care about her and that I should go by myself. It was extremely stressful trying to keep her calm and drive at the same time and not get frustrated at this blindsiding smear campaign towards me. She did eventually calm down and we flew to our destination. My friend picked us up at the airport as planned and drove us to their place as planned to stay at their place for the trip. When we arrive at the house I’ll call the fiancé b, b was asleep as it was late midnight so me my g.f and my friend went on the back porch to catch up and have a beer. Later on we went to bed, the following morning I wake up and hear my friend and b making coffee and breakfast for us I turn over to the g.f say good morning would you like some coffee? I was met with a loud tone and lots of words describing what was going to happen if b crossed her in someway loudly enough that my friend and fiancé could hear and from that point on it was miserable the sly gestures and remarks made between the two put me in a very difficult place and was so stressed I couldn’t even relax or enjoy anything. When we got back I have been ridiculed to this day 3 years later for not saying anything to b. A month following this incident was her birthday. For her birthday I made plans to take her to work and to take her to the mountains for the day. When I had arrived that morning she walked out of the house completely ignored me walked back inside came back out and began to cuss me out very loudly in the street calling me a pig and every name in the book because I had asked her if we could take a nice picture together in the mountains this idea got changed from a simple picture to me wanting something completely different and all though I had never implied or said what she said I really meant and wanted by saying that it was what she made it out to be. The entire car ride to her work was filled with more rants and cussing about how low of a person I was tossed the cake I had bought her and told me I was pouting. I didn’t know what to say or do at this point. I’ve seen and more importantly before I put a finger on it I was told once by a friend that he head seen her change her mood 5 times within minutes and when he asked me if I had noticed this I said yeah and until then and when he told me that’s not normal that she might need some help I never noticed this as an underlying issue and since then began looking online. One other instance of many that sticks out is at my grandfathers funeral. 15 minutes before his service started I went to get something quick to drink when a friend was asking me about my grandfather I was gone 5minutes when I started to head back in and she was glaring at me and with all my family around minutes before the funeral she proclaimed that I was cheating on her and using my grandfathers funeral to hide it. I had never been so hurt in my life I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Sine then she has left me twice the first time I initiated us getting back together the second time I was devastated and swore to myself I’d let things be the following two months were filled with hateful talk and messages then they became nice and wanted to talk and that she was ‘better’ now. We met up and for the first time in I dont know how long she made me feel wanted and she reminded me of who she was in the beginning. That only lasted a month and then it started going downhill to this day she and myself have convinced myself that this is my fault for wanting to take things slow and to heal from being left twice. I’ve beat myself up blaming myself apologizing to her and now I won’t get told that she doesn’t want me anymore or that it’s over when I ask on the status of us I get told do what you want or you’re free to do what you want she still talks and texts me briefly but won’t say it’s over and that she doesn’t want me but won’t see me or won’t say that she does or doesn’t care about me. I feel like I’m in a tangled mess and I don’t know left from right I question myself cause I’ve been told constantly it’s my fault I’m a liar I’m a cheater I’m sneaky I don’t care I’m lazy I’m not trustworthy I’m just lost and now if ever someone says something nice about me I don’t know how to take it or even respond to it I’ve suffered a lot emotionally and feel so dumb for wanting to get back together. I know it’s a long post but kept this all in for so long.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hi Tiberius and welcome to the family 

I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but I am glad you found us. Many of the behaviors you describe are typical for BPD, the lovebombing and idealization at the beginning of your relationship, the sudden moodshifts, the irrational fears, the anger outbursts and hurtful accusations. If you look around the boards you will find many other members who are dealing with similar situations. You are not alone and we have a lot of information and tools at our disposal that can help us better understand what is happening, so that we can find different ways to cope and protect ourselves.
For a pwBPD (person with BPD) feelings are facts. For example if they feel threatened by somebody, maybe out of insecurity, they percieve that person as hostile, even if they never indicated any hostility. Obviously, this can be very damaging to relationships, especially close ones and the resulting accusations can be devastating and even lead us to question our own perception.
It's important to remind yourself that none of that is your fault, the things she is saying about you are a product of her irrational fears and worries, which she is projecting and acting out on you. 

That only lasted a month and then it started going downhill to this day she and myself have convinced myself that this is my fault for wanting to take things slow and to heal from being left twice.

It's perfectly reasonable that you didn't want to rush things, given the circumstances. With a SO that is unable to reliably look out for our emotional needs, we need to take especially good care of ourselves, that includes taking the time we need to process and recover from the hurt that was caused. If we want to be a stable and positive influence in our partners' lifes, we need a strong footing for ourselves.
This article gives some more insight on what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship
What are your thoughts on it?

It's great that you reached out, getting those things off my chest and having a support network to rely on was and still is so important for my own mental health and I hope we can be the same for you.
Is there something else you are doing to take care of yourself?

[Radcliff]

Let me join Purplex in welcoming you.  You are definitely in the right place.  Can you tell us more about your current situation?  How long ago did you break up with your ex?  Have you always been living separately, or sometimes together?  Are you physically separate now?

RC