Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
April 25, 2024, 02:55:30 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Timber I have a feeling this relationship is about to blow up.  (Read 692 times)
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10512



« Reply #30 on: March 16, 2019, 05:55:36 AM »

I would feel the same way too. It would probably be a deal breaker for me too- not because I am controlling or judgemental, but because it doesn't align with my values for marriage.

Boundaries are a reflection of our values. Values are about how we behave- they are not about how someone else behaves. However, when someone violates our values, they determine how we react.

They are individual- so one person's values may not match someone else's. When we choose to marry someone- we choose the values that we want for marriage and someone who is compatible with those values.

That can include something like religion- some people want to marry someone of the same religion. It's important to them. So they don't date someone of a different religion and expect that person to change. Another person might not mind at all if their spouse didn't share the same religion. So - it's not about judging, controlling- it's about being honest with your values and living/choosing accordingly.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel about the clubbing. There also- to your wife- may be nothing wrong with how she feels about it. When you speak up- she feels judged by you. People don't like feeling judged as wrong.

Your values and how you speak about them reflect you- not her, so it helps to speak in term of "I" not "You".   If this is a deal breaker, then look at the differences between these two phrases:

"honey, I love you but I am not comfortable with the clubbing. This is not an activity that I feel is condusive to a good marriage in the long run"

vs

" A married woman your age should not be acting like a single girl in her 20's"

You decide the deal breaker" I would not be able to handle it if you stayed out all night. This would seriously harm the marriage for me".

The rest is up to her. She can consider this, but if she doesn't- then you need to follow up on your statement with actions. If boundaries are empty threats, they lose their meaning. 
Logged
Ltahoe
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 129



« Reply #31 on: March 18, 2019, 11:39:35 AM »

ya she knows I’m strongly against it. I think I’ll just bring it up in MC when I’m in an individual session see how T thinks we should go about things.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7483



« Reply #32 on: March 20, 2019, 12:49:03 PM »

Staff only This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. Please feel free to start a new thread on this topic.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!