Let me point out a few things, so you can see what went on below the waves
Finally, right before I left work, she texted me back saying "Hi" and that she felt "Horrible."
Probably horrible about not getting back to you, could be extra "worse" by missing the meds.
As I was leaving work she texted me that she missed me, that she felt "poopy" and that she was hungry.
This is a call for attention. "Hey look at me I'm the victim! I deserve sympathy! come save me!"
She is constantly telling me I don't make enough decisions.
Translated as "I don't want to/can't make the decisions, so I'll blame you for not making them". This is not really about you.
So after she repeated that she missed me, I told her I would come pick her up, we'd run the errand, get some food, and rent a movie. Her response? "I'm in the bed..."
[...]
She had showered and while she was in bed, she had apparently meant her message to be interpreted as kind of sexy.
Communication mistake, very common with BPD.
I took this to mean that she was still in bed and not able or willing to get up
Communication mistake, very common in partners of people with BPD.
She accused me of only seeing her negatively. She said she wasn't allowed to be sick for a single day in our house and that nothing mattered anyway. She called me an a**h**** and told me she'd be better off alone.
Over the top reaction, her emotions got the best of her. She felt rejected when you wouldn't "save her", when you didn't realize she was being sexy for you (no reasonable way you could have known based on the being in bed message, its not about you).
She said "all of the people she had ever been with did nothing but suffocate her and not allow her to breathe."
This is how she feels about the situation, not that they (or you) actually were. What this says is that all her previous partners (including you) struggled with keeping up with her emotions.
She felt "suffocated" because she is not able to communicate her needs effectively, and so they go unanswered and she feels abandoned. unable to communicate, the frustration keeps on piling up, like falling down a quicksand pit. Makes sense? easier to empathize with that visual?
She told me that I was never getting better, and that I needed help
This is a classic projection. She knows SHE is the one who is not getting better, but you are the easier target, so she says you do.
Later that night, after things had calmed down, we watched television in bed. She had slept all day (for several days really) and wasn't tired. I stayed up until after 1:00 am before finally saying that I had to go to sleep because I had to work in the morning. She angrily said, "Don't bother talking. I don't need to hear your excuses about why you won't stay up with me."
[...]
She said I was an a**h*** for not saying goodnight
This is a tricky thing because of abandonment issues. She obviously loves spending time with you, so much so it hurts her not to have you anymore. Feelings matter more than facts to people with BPD, so by establishing why you needed to sleep (totally justified btw, but that's not the point) she felt like being given an excuse.
I struggle intensely with NOT getting defensive or being "dismissive" in her eyes
There's a lesson we have over here about not engaging with "fact checking",
Don't JADE The logical part of me told me that this was an episode fueled by the BPD. That she was afraid I was giving up, that I would leave her
Great insight, you do understand where this is coming from.
The emotional part of me said, she just has to be the victim
Meaning, "why can't I be the "victim" for once?"
I don't mean this as saying you are trying to portray yourself as something you're not. Your needs are being neglected, and not only by her.
I don't know if I'm enabling her more than reassuring her
There is some of both going on. Particularly this:
I asked her if she'd prefer for me to do it before I got home so she wouldn't have to go out, or if she was up to going out with me if she didn't have to get out of the car
I hope you see where you're going beyond what's helpful and into enabling territory.
I don't know if this equates to me being a push over and not setting strong enough boundaries
Not really, you're just trying too hard .
Gotta work smart from now on, that's what the tools are about.
Lots to unpack and very little advice so far, we'll get to that. That's my process anyway, understand then plan, that way I know where to focus for being extra effective
I feel guilty and like a failure myself. How can I expect her not to feel that way about me? I just don't know what to do.
That's something to work on. If you feel stronger yourself, you can better cope with her and help her with being an effective communicator herself.
Sometimes just asking for clarification is enough to get the ball rolling, ask instead of assume.
About those feelings you have, you probably internalized something that made you feel that way, and I suspect it comes from way before you got involved with her, possibly childhood/teenage years. There are some personalities that click with BPD easier than others.
Anyway, care to tell more about this? was it like this (feeling not good enough/guilty about looking after yourself) before you met her?