He has a new gf & started therapy - I feel like such a failure

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Yesterday I met up with my ex for drinks. I haven't posted here since October, or something, so I'll give a very quick recap of our relationship (for more info you can always ask/read my past posts):

My ex and I were in a relationship from nov 2016 to april 2018. The first break-up was in nov 2017, the last half a year was awful with lots of recycling and lots of ugly truths coming to the surface. He gave me herpes and scabies. He cheated on me at least once. He also spend a lot of time on dating apps while we were together, pretending like he was single and flirting a lot and proposing to meet up with the girls. He lied and lied and lied. Especially about his past relationships and girls he did or did not date. (For example I found out that he cheated on one of his girlfriends with one of his exes for more than half a year and neither of them ever knew). He was very controlling and had quite a negative outlook on life. He didn't like a lot of my friends or the way I spent my days. We were both a member of a rowing association (that's how we met) but at some point he decided he hated that place (even though he met all his friends there) and made sure that I enjoyed it as little as possible.

Anyway, our relationship was the happiest and the worst time of my life. He was my first boyfriend, my first everything. He made me feel so loved and even beautiful (which is quite special since I have self-esteem issues and have struggled with anorexia in the past). But the way he treated me broke me down. I was just a shell when I finally had the strength to say no to him. I have had therapy for a year now and will start even more intensive therapy in the near future.

Still I can not let him go. I still miss him so much. I haven't met anyone who could even partly compare to him. I haven't dated anymore since it was over. I keep regretting all the things I did wrong. How I should have given him more attention, should have been less busy, less insecure, less dependent etc etc.

Anyway, that's the recap. I'm sorry it's not very short after all. Since we broke up we met a few times. Once for coffee, once to go to a concert, once because we bumped into eachother at a party. He also sent me an angry message once because I had hung out a few times with some of his friends (we have mutual friends, so it was via them) and he couldn't appreciate that because "all the people I talked to hated him now and he wanted to keep some friends thank you very much". We hadn't had any contact since October 2018 until I congratulated him on his birthday in February. We had quite a long conservation, about a week of messaging, after which he asked if I wanted to grab a coffee to catch up. Later he said that in the evenings worked better for him so we decided on an evening to go for a beer.

In my head I was creating all these scenario's. That he wanted to date again, that he wanted to hook up, that he missed me. I was driving myself crazy. I knew that he had seriously dated a girl, but I didn't know if they were still a thing and from what he told me about how he spent his birthday etc I thought he was single. Secretly I was hoping for a reconciliation, even though I knew I shouldn't want it. I'm just not over him yet.

We had a great time yesterday evening. We laughed a lot, had very nice conservations. It felt so good. No trace of his bad traits. We have so much in common it's ridiculous.

He told me that he had started therapy (his first session was last week) because of how he was in relationships and that he didn't want to end up like his dad (he is in NC with his dad, his dad was a very toxic man, very borderline I think) and that it needed to stop. That's when I asked him if he was in a relationship now. He said he was. But she was travelling now for 4 months (explains why he didn't spend his b-day with her) and he will go to Canada for his studies in August, so they'll only spend like 4 months together this year.

I feel like such a failure. The longest I was away from him, on holiday, was less than a month and we hardly survived that. He was so controlling then, he couldn't handle me being away at all. I was quite homesick too, I regret a lot about that period in our relationship because I was complaining a lot to him and when he suggested to call or something I couldn't do that because I didn't want to feel even worse by hearing his voice. But now apparently he can handle not seeing this new gf for 10 months. So he must love her a lot more that he can do that for her. And also, the worst thing.. I talked to him about therapy so much but he never wanted to do it. And now he suddenly does? She must be so special to him that he wants to do this for her and their relationship. I feel so not good enough compared to her. She must be so special. She must be the one. And here I am, still not over him, crying over him, still so so so alone. And he found the love of his life. He seems to be changing, working on his issues. I wish I could have been the one to stand by his side through all this.

Sure, he said that he still cared for me. That he wanted to contact me these past few months but didn't know if I wanted that. He suggested that we should hang out more often, go to concerts together. He said that he blames himself for how bad I am/was doing.

But clearly I wasn't good enough for him. And she is. It hurts so much.

His diagnosis is depression now (although that's just what the GP said, maybe his therapist will come to different conclusions) so maybe he isn't even BPD. Maybe it was just something I created in my head to make it easier for myself. Maybe he can be normal if he just meets the right girl. And he did.

[blooming]

Yesterday I met up with my ex for drinks. I haven't posted here since October, or something, so I'll give a very quick recap of our relationship (for more info you can always ask/read my past posts):

My ex and I were in a relationship from nov 2016 to april 2018. The first break-up was in nov 2017, the last half a year was awful with lots of recycling and lots of ugly truths coming to the surface. He gave me herpes and scabies. He cheated on me at least once. He also spend a lot of time on dating apps while we were together, pretending like he was single and flirting a lot and proposing to meet up with the girls. He lied and lied and lied. Especially about his past relationships and girls he did or did not date. (For example I found out that he cheated on one of his girlfriends with one of his exes for more than half a year and neither of them ever knew). He was very controlling and had quite a negative outlook on life. He didn't like a lot of my friends or the way I spent my days. We were both a member of a rowing association (that's how we met) but at some point he decided he hated that place (even though he met all his friends there) and made sure that I enjoyed it as little as possible.

Anyway, our relationship was the happiest and the worst time of my life. He was my first boyfriend, my first everything. He made me feel so loved and even beautiful (which is quite special since I have self-esteem issues and have struggled with anorexia in the past). But the way he treated me broke me down. I was just a shell when I finally had the strength to say no to him. I have had therapy for a year now and will start even more intensive therapy in the near future.

Still I can not let him go. I still miss him so much. I haven't met anyone who could even partly compare to him. I haven't dated anymore since it was over. I keep regretting all the things I did wrong. How I should have given him more attention, should have been less busy, less insecure, less dependent etc etc.

Anyway, that's the recap. I'm sorry it's not very short after all. Since we broke up we met a few times. Once for coffee, once to go to a concert, once because we bumped into eachother at a party. He also sent me an angry message once because I had hung out a few times with some of his friends (we have mutual friends, so it was via them) and he couldn't appreciate that because "all the people I talked to hated him now and he wanted to keep some friends thank you very much". We hadn't had any contact since October 2018 until I congratulated him on his birthday in February. We had quite a long conservation, about a week of messaging, after which he asked if I wanted to grab a coffee to catch up. Later he said that in the evenings worked better for him so we decided on an evening to go for a beer.

In my head I was creating all these scenario's. That he wanted to date again, that he wanted to hook up, that he missed me. I was driving myself crazy. I knew that he had seriously dated a girl, but I didn't know if they were still a thing and from what he told me about how he spent his birthday etc I thought he was single. Secretly I was hoping for a reconciliation, even though I knew I shouldn't want it. I'm just not over him yet.

We had a great time yesterday evening. We laughed a lot, had very nice conservations. It felt so good. No trace of his bad traits. We have so much in common it's ridiculous.

He told me that he had started therapy (his first session was last week) because of how he was in relationships and that he didn't want to end up like his dad (he is in NC with his dad, his dad was a very toxic man, very borderline I think) and that it needed to stop. That's when I asked him if he was in a relationship now. He said he was. But she was travelling now for 4 months (explains why he didn't spend his b-day with her) and he will go to Canada for his studies in August, so they'll only spend like 4 months together this year.

I feel like such a failure. The longest I was away from him, on holiday, was less than a month and we hardly survived that. He was so controlling then, he couldn't handle me being away at all. I was quite homesick too, I regret a lot about that period in our relationship because I was complaining a lot to him and when he suggested to call or something I couldn't do that because I didn't want to feel even worse by hearing his voice. But now apparently he can handle not seeing this new gf for 10 months. So he must love her a lot more that he can do that for her. And also, the worst thing.. I talked to him about therapy so much but he never wanted to do it. And now he suddenly does? She must be so special to him that he wants to do this for her and their relationship. I feel so not good enough compared to her. She must be so special. She must be the one. And here I am, still not over him, crying over him, still so so so alone. And he found the love of his life. He seems to be changing, working on his issues. I wish I could have been the one to stand by his side through all this.

Sure, he said that he still cared for me. That he wanted to contact me these past few months but didn't know if I wanted that. He suggested that we should hang out more often, go to concerts together. He said that he blames himself for how bad I am/was doing.

But clearly I wasn't good enough for him. And she is. It hurts so much.

His diagnosis is depression now (although that's just what the GP said, maybe his therapist will come to different conclusions) so maybe he isn't even BPD. Maybe it was just something I created in my head to make it easier for myself. Maybe he can be normal if he just meets the right girl. And he did.

[Lucky Jim]

maybe he isn't even BPD. Maybe it was just something I created in my head to make it easier for myself. Maybe he can be normal if he just meets the right girl. And he did.

Hey blooming, it's easy to second-guess oneself after a b/u with a pwBPD, because they have a facility for shifting blame to the Non.  Appearances can be deceiving and I doubt things are as rosy as the picture he painted for you.  One visit to a T doesn't mean he has resolved his issues.  Chances are he is doing the same things he did while in a r/s with you.  I understand that you still have feelings for him, yet I suggest you temper those feelings with the reality of his behavior while you were together.

LuckyJim

[Sandb2015]

Good afternoon blooming and Lucky Jim,

Blooming, you are not a failure!  It's so easy for us to see that the "new girl/guy" has/had something so special about them we did or don't, quite frankly, that's BS.

Understand that is something that is originating from inside your head and probably very far from the truth.

He/she met the "one", yes, one of the great fears on the list of "nons", we missed our chance to help and someone else will receive all the greatness, love and goodness from the pwBPD.

Don't look at what you didn't do, look at your heart and all that you did.

Of course he will put on a show, perhaps almost feed off of your feeling of wanting...


"But clearly I wasn't good enough for him. And she is. It hurts so much."


Can you cut yourself a break--------Yes! You can.

You were good for him, be good for you.  The disorder was bad for you and will probably be bad for him and who he is with.

Insecurity, self esteem etc., they are inside you and you have control over them.

You don't know his future, you can determine yours.

[Panda39]

A relationship that didn't work does not make you a failure.  It isn't a refection on who you are as a person.  It's just that the relationship that wasn't the right fit.  Breaking up sucks!  

Some of what he told you may be about making himself feel better...or better than you.  I would take what he says with a grain of salt.  I'd be skeptical.

Therapy may be real or it might not, it might last or it might not.  Is the girlfriend real maybe, maybe not.  His happiness level might be real or it might have been for show.

I would focus on yourself and taking care of you, don't compare yourself to him or his new girlfriend (if one exists), you are good enough just the way you are!  It's his loss.  Show yourself the same compassion that you would show him.

Panda39

[blooming]

Hey blooming, it's easy to second-guess oneself after a b/u with a pwBPD, because they have a facility for shifting blame to the Non.  Appearances can be deceiving and I doubt things are as rosy as the picture he painted for you.  One visit to a T doesn't mean he has resolved his issues.  Chances are he is doing the same things he did while in a r/s with you.  I understand that you still have feelings for him, yet I suggest you temper those feelings with the reality of his behavior while you were together.

LuckyJim

Hi LuckyJim!

Thank you for your supportive and helpful words. You are right. It's just difficult because the behaviour he showed while we were together is nowhere to been whenever I talk with him now. He just seems the perfect guy I fell in love with and it makes it so difficult to let go. My feelings for him are still very strong and the belief that I won't ever find someone like him is very strong. I haven't dated since we broke up and I don't see myself doing that soon. Partly because I'm very insecure and partly because I don't like people easily and have actually never really been in love with anyone but my ex.

It's just such a difficult idea that he now has someone else he is giving his love to. And the fact that they've been together now for quite some time and the way he talked about their relationship made it sound like it was very stable and that they'll probably last longer than we did.

And I just find it so difficult that he wanted to go in therapy for her but not for me. Apparently she is more important for him, or he thinks she's the one, or something like that. That hurts a lot and makes the voices in my head scream that I'm not good enough, the whole day long.

[blooming]

He/she met the "one", yes, one of the great fears on the list of "nons", we missed our chance to help and someone else will receive all the greatness, love and goodness from the pwBPD.

Yes, that's exactly the way I'm feeling now. It hurts so much. I still miss him every day. Very difficult that he already moved on and that things seem to be different this time.

Don't look at what you didn't do, look at your heart and all that you did.

I'm very good in finding the negative when it comes to myself. I'm working on that in therapy, but in this situation it's just too difficult to not do it. I blame myself for so much. There's so many moments I want to do differently. Sometimes I put way too much weight on his shoulders, leaned too much on him, burdened him too much. And other times I didn't make enough time for him, spent too much times with friends/meetings for committees/work instead of with him. I really can't ever forgive myself that. Because it made me lose him.

Of course he will put on a show, perhaps almost feed off of your feeling of wanting...

Maybe, but it wasn't like he was really bragging or something. He didn't say how great this girl was or how perfect their relationship was. If I hadn't asked him about it he wouldn't even have talked about her, probably out of respect for me and because he knew that would hurt me (since he said that he still cared for me). It was more just the vibe that I got from him, the way he looked when he spoke about her. And the fact that he didn't find it a problem that they won't see eachother for a large part of this year, even though when we were together and I was on holiday for 3 weeks it went aaaawful.

[blooming]

A relationship that didn't work does not make you a failure.  It isn't a refection on who you are as a person.  It's just that the relationship that wasn't the right fit.  Breaking up sucks!  

Very sweet of you Panda! This was my first relationship so I guess that makes it even more difficult. I'm just scared I'll never find something like I had again. I haven't in the past year at least. Nobody compares to him. It just sucks when the break-up is totally the decision of the other person and you can't do anything about it. And then that person moves on and falls in love again and you're just left there, still shattered in pieces, replaced.

Some of what he told you may be about making himself feel better...or better than you.  I would take what he says with a grain of salt.  I'd be skeptical.

Therapy may be real or it might not, it might last or it might not.  Is the girlfriend real maybe, maybe not.  His happiness level might be real or it might have been for show.

I would focus on yourself and taking care of you, don't compare yourself to him or his new girlfriend (if one exists), you are good enough just the way you are!  It's his loss.  Show yourself the same compassion that you would show him.

Panda39

Well I'm definitely sure the girl exists because I knew he had a girlfriend because of a mutual friend of ours who met her at a party they both went to.

[FJM]

Blooming sorry to hear that but i can tell you something.
At year and a half i send mu ex uBPD to therapy (shes still going). Its been a little more than one year since she still going to a T and shes not even diagnosed yet and shes acting more impulsive and reckless than ever. Shes a car crash.
So if hes starts therapy first of all he has to tell the story straight and most important have a GOOD THERAPIST. Bad therapists can have a patient with them over long years and not even diagnose them with their illness. The same way they manipulate us, theyll manipulate everyone. Too much shame and guilt to confess, even with a T.

[zachira]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so hurt and sad. When a relationship ends, we often feel that the new partner is better than we are. Men, in particular more than women, tend to find a new partner pretty quickly. Women are often advised to not date a man who is recently separated or divorced and/or has just ended a relationship he is not over, as he may be looking for a new partner to medicate his hurt and anger, until he finds the right woman which will unlikely be one of the ones he chooses to go out with while he is still mourning the end of his past long term relationship. Women often wait quite a long time, sometimes years, before getting involved in another relationship.

[blooming]

Blooming sorry to hear that but i can tell you something.
At year and a half i send mu ex uBPD to therapy (shes still going). Its been a little more than one year since she still going to a T and shes not even diagnosed yet and shes acting more impulsive and reckless than ever. Shes a car crash.
So if hes starts therapy first of all he has to tell the story straight and most important have a GOOD THERAPIST. Bad therapists can have a patient with them over long years and not even diagnose them with their illness. The same way they manipulate us, theyll manipulate everyone. Too much shame and guilt to confess, even with a T.

Yes you are maybe right, the fact that he's in therapy doesn't mean he'll get true help for his problems. But he did go in therapy with the idea to work on the way he behaves in relationships and that he's scared to end up like his father, so I can't imagine how he won't improve his relationship skills with this.

[blooming]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so hurt and sad. When a relationship ends, we often feel that the new partner is better than we are. Men, in particular more than women, tend to find a new partner pretty quickly. Women are often advised to not date a man who is recently separated or divorced and/or has just ended a relationship he is not over, as he may be looking for a new partner to medicate his hurt and anger, until he finds the right woman which will unlikely be one of the ones he chooses to go out with while he is still mourning the end of his past long term relationship. Women often wait quite a long time, sometimes years, before getting involved in another relationship.

Yes, that's right, but I don't think my ex started this relationship while he was still mourning the end of ours. He told me himself that something broke when we first broke up and that he never really felt the same about us all the times we recycled. For him it was just a game and a way to get his much-needed attention. He had already distanced himself from me by then. So unfortunately that's not an argument as to whether or not this new relationship will work out in the long term or not. From what I heard from him they have a much bigger chance of succeeding than we had because he seems to want to work harder for her than he did for me.

[Sandb2015]

blooming,

A few things,

You sound like things are sinking in a healthy way and you aren't sounding as defeated as before, that is great.

It is nice for you that you have some closure in the discussions with him, take it for what it is, it may not be so true, but use that part to your advantage if needed.

Hearing this or that from him and projection positivity towards his new rs doesn't mean you need to offset it with negativity for what was available to him from you.

You want something great and good for him, that's a mighty big heart you have.

Now have something greater and better for you, that mighty big heart is there for a reason.

S

[blooming]

blooming,

A few things,

You sound like things are sinking in a healthy way and you aren't sounding as defeated as before, that is great.

I'm trying, but my depression is quite strong this week unfortunately. Have a hard time motivating myself for anything and feel like crying all the time.

It is nice for you that you have some closure in the discussions with him, take it for what it is, it may not be so true, but use that part to your advantage if needed.

Hearing this or that from him and projection positivity towards his new rs doesn't mean you need to offset it with negativity for what was available to him from you.

Well it's hard not to. It's just the facts right?

You want something great and good for him, that's a mighty big heart you have.

Now have something greater and better for you, that mighty big heart is there for a reason.

S

But I just can't. I feel so empty inside. I tried using a dating app this past week, but it makes me feel even more miserable because every time I swipe someone right and I don't have a match I feel awful. And when someone wants to meet up I am too scared or compare him to my ex (my ex always wins these comparisons, I just never like a guy enough to want to meet up with him or something). I don't understand why I just can't like someone new. It's been over a year now. I'm scared I'll never get over my ex and will always feel this empty inside.

[Panda39]

But I just can't. I feel so empty inside. I tried using a dating app this past week, but it makes me feel even more miserable because every time I swipe someone right and I don't have a match I feel awful. And when someone wants to meet up I am too scared or compare him to my ex (my ex always wins these comparisons, I just never like a guy enough to want to meet up with him or something). I don't understand why I just can't like someone new. It's been over a year now. I'm scared I'll never get over my ex and will always feel this empty inside.

Hi blooming,
It sounds like you're not ready to date yet.  IMO we all need to work through the current relationship that has ended before moving on to someone else.  Not only are you not ready yourself but you won't truly be present for and open to the person you're on the date with which isn't fair to them.  

There is no time limit on healing from a relationship, it takes as long as it takes and it is okay to cry when you need to.

For me healing is about you, not what your ex is doing, not about trying to fill the void with someone else but about you, your life, your fulfillment, and finding your own happiness.  

IMO our happiness comes from within not from another person.  What are you doing or can you do for yourself that creates your own happiness?  Where do you find your bliss?  What is it that you love to do that puts you in the now...in the moment.  For me it's making something, right now it's quilting when I'm working on a project I don't ruminate on the past or worry about the future I become focused on now and the task at hand.  For others here it's music, or something physical going to the gym or on a hike, it could be hanging out with friends, cooking, volunteering or writing.  Whatever it is for you do it!  Try and build in some time just for you, doing the things that put you in the now, where you find pleasure and satisfaction.  Treat yourself with the compassion that you would treat someone else.

Hang in there,
Panda39