Interesting chat on FB messenger with my daughter

[sandgrounder]

It was after midnight and she couldn’t sleep so she messaged me. We had a long talk about BPD. She seems desperate to get a formal diagnosis as she wants an explanation for why she feels the way she does. I will work on getting her that if it will help.

She said she knows she’s selfish and she hates that. She also knows that clinging to her ex is “stupid” but she’s scared of losing him. She also has impulses to spend loads of money or steal from shops. She recently had a change of hair style which she now says was a whim.

I actually feel this was positive. She said she won’t want to talk about this face to face but maybe we can use messenger again. I will also get her counselling ASAP - privately if the NHS doesn’t get its act in gear. Maybe things are not as bleak as they felt even 12 hours ago

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi SG

What a positive message, I'm so pleased for you, your DD reaching out for reassurance. Wanting to know why she feels the way she does to help herself. I also relate to your DD saying she does not wish to talk in person, that's a boundary my DD set ~ what she was saying is she had to be in the right mind, the initiator of a conversation and when it happened all she needed was me to listen and validate.

Have the NHS talked about the next step being an assessment to diagnosis?

WDx

[sandgrounder]

The NHS haven't really started treatment or anything yet. First meeting with `community care team is Tuesday. I will make sure they know that she wants a formal diagnosis. They may not think it is important but it matters to her.

`I have also identified a possible private counsellor if the NHS continue to be so slow. I'd prefer not to have to pay but the main thing id for her to get the help she needs and wants.

[wendydarling]

How did your DD's appointment go sandgrounder?

WDx

[sandgrounder]

Today she's been a bit agitated - but she's been messaging her ex and even went out to meet with him for a coffee.

I took her to the appointment but obviously as she's an adult I didn't go in with her. They will get her assessed by a doctor to formalise the diagnosis though this might take a bit of time to organise. In the meantime they will work with her on her issues. Sounds promising but I worry about the effect the ex can have on her. He said something unsetting to her last week so she self-harmed for the first time in a couple of years. Also having driven her to the edge of anorexia, trying to be as skinny as the 14 year old he now fancies, he has told my daughter that she's too skinny.

I guess I need to be patient and also thankful that she seems to be settling into the basement bedroom in my house and not scuttling round to the ex's house.

[wendydarling]

SG you are doing great, your DD made her appointment.   It took circa 6/8 weeks for a mental health assessment and dx back in 2015. Keep cool, this was the first validating moment for my DD and I dearly hope is for your DD. Small, gentle steps and yes buckets full of patience (can you hear me sighing!) is key, keep practicing.  

Bedroom v ex. Bedroom! It's good to hear your DD's making a bolt hole! My DD was very ill. I helped her make her bedroom a soothing space, she chose mood lights, new bedding, made a self soothing box, new cuddly blankets, cushions... her safe place to be. Lush bath bombs for when she was anxious, panic attacks...  this was a first step of DD practicing mindfulness, self care skills while on the waiting list. I'm tearful writing this, it's bringing back so many memories, those first important steps, scrambling in the dark how to help my DD find some peace.

Sounds promising but I worry about the effect the ex can have on her. He said something unsetting to her last week so she self-harmed for the first time in a couple of years. Also having driven her to the edge of anorexia, trying to be as skinny as the 14 year old he now fancies, he has told my daughter that she's too skinny.

I'm so sorry to hear your DD self harmed for the first time in a couple of years. How do you respond when your DD shares with you what her ex is saying to her?

WDx

[sandgrounder]

How do you respond when your DD shares with you what her ex is saying to her?

She hasn't told me herself. Luckily there is a group of people, including some of the coaches from her sports club, who are watching out for her and to whom she reveals things.

I've been told that the reason she hasn't said anything to me (I even had to find out the whole abuse etc from a third party) was because she's afraid it will upset me, but I have also seen her tell her ex she's scared of me. I am learning not to take everything she says to heart because it is becoming clear she says whatever she thinks the listener wants her to say "because she doesn't want to hurt anyone" and she is also unsure of who she is and what she wants.

She said last week that she'd stop communicating with the expand would get her stuff from his house after the weekend but of course she hasn't. I knew she wouldn't: if you're going to cut off contact you do it now.

Finally he is still trying to find out from her what is happening. The governing body of their sport has been told about his abuse of my daughter and also his inappropriate contact with the young girl. He's been thrown out of the club he competed for and his former club have refused to take him back. He got her to ask me and the assistant coach what will happen next. She, poor fool, knows in her heart he doesn't want her or what's best for her but she's "scared of him abandoning her - I think this is typical for BPD?

[Turkish]

Sadly, that is typical,  though it's hopeful that her logical mind knows that he doesn't want what's best for her.  Unsaid, "he only wants what's best for himself."

A person with BPD feels emotionally at their core that they don't matter and are unworthy of being loved; hence, the fear of abandonment. Fear of andonment isn't the BPD trait, it's "I'm unworthy of being loved" which is the driving emotion underneath the fear of being abandoned.

Comparing her to a 14 year old? Gross. And cruel. She needs to realize that,  not anyone telling her.

[wendydarling]

I am learning not to take everything she says to heart because it is becoming clear she says whatever she thinks the listener wants her to say "because she doesn't want to hurt anyone" and she is also unsure of who she is and what she wants.

sandgrounder I could have written this, though our situations while similar and different.

Are you familiar with 2.01 | Karpman Drama Triangle may help your DD and you, step out.

WDx