How do you handle family members passing away when in NC?

[aslowrealization]

I'm currently in NC with my uNPD/possibly uBPD mother and, by extension, on minimal to no contact terms with my extended family. My mother has a lot of elderly relatives, which means the inevitable is coming to our family within the next few years to decades. In fact, just within the last few weeks, we've lost a great aunt and one of my uncles (mother's brother). The uncle is the first of my mother's siblings to pass in their advance years, so this is a tough time for her and her siblings.

I'm grappling with finding my place in all of this. For starters, none of the family are close enough at this point (relationship-wise and geographically) that I would attend any funerals (and, as I had a sense that this was coming along with a family wedding this summer, it was part of my NC plan not to attend any family events for this year at least). With my uncle, I am planning to put a card in the mail for his wife and daughter (and it would be the same case for any of my mother's siblings), but that's all.

Emotionally, I don't know how to feel about my extended family right now. I'm just starting to see that apart from maybe one or two that I spent a brief (a couple of weeks to a couple of months) time with on my own over a decade ago, all of the relationships are non-existent outside of being mediated through my mother. I've never felt compelled to try and build anything outside of them, and I'm starting to understand that the reason for this may be the emotional manipulation of my mother. There are also logistical things, like geographical distance and age difference (my uncle who just passed is a couple decades older than my mother).

If I'm honest with myself, I'm having a hard time feeling emotional or sad about the two recent losses. I don't feel anything apart from acknowledging that we know it's coming for us all and a sense of not being surprised.

I feel like my family may try and pull me back in with some "we all gotta stick together through the hard times"...but as I said, we have many elderly relatives and, not to be grim, but for the foreseeable future, there's always going to be somebody or something (even us younger ones can't escape that if we're honest). I also feel like my mother might try and project/force emotions on me that she's feeling, or try and play the "I could die at any time" card through my sib (who has been the one sending the "just to let you know, so and so passed away" texts). And my sib has already played the "I'm the good person because I know and am better connected to the family" card ("how close to and well-liked are you by extended family" has been a long-standing competitive game that my mother has set up between me and my sib). As cold as it sounds, I dread these inevitable passings, not because of any fear of loss but because they give my family reasons to force contact and avenues for them to play their same old games.

Has anyone else dealt with this difficult and sensitive situation in their family (particularly if you weren't/aren't close to those who pass and/or the person you are NC or LC with is)? Did you experience conflicting/lack of emotions? And how did/do you deal with the practical aspects of it (what do you say to the immediate family who experienced the loss, etc.)?

[Turkish]

I haven't personally dealt with this,  but I've seen a few members who have.

I've seen a few members who were alienated from their extended family by BPD parents.  When they contacted and reconnected, the family really didn't have a  idea why,  truthfully.  Though the members regretted lost years,  the reconnecting was good. 

Do you feel this might be the case,  or are these family members part of the dysfunction?

[Harri]

HI.

Your mom and sister will continue to be who they are, games and all.

I suggest acting based on what you value and what feels right for you when family members pass.  No matter what your sister and mom say and do, you have options.   I get the fear and the hesitation I really do. 

Don't give up pieces of yourself by not doing what you think is right.  Sending a card like you did when the relative was more distant is fine.  Attend the service(s) for someone closer and bring and use the tools you have learned.  Your mom and sister can try to draw you in, but you do not have to play.  Change things up at your end.

 

[aslowrealization]

Thank you both for your posts 

The bottom line is, I don't think I'm quite ready to attend any family events just yet...period. And my emotional state when it comes to my family is such right now that literally any one of them could pass away and I'd be able to say 'no' to attending the funeral. I'm being honest with myself about that...where I am right now, there isn't so much a conflict around "to go or not to go" as there is around how to cope with the interactions that come each time something happens in the family that leads to my sib getting in contact. If I really did want to go to someone's event because I had that kind of relationship with them, I would find a way. I just don't have that kind of relationship with anyone in my family right now.

As far as whether or not reconnecting would be good...truthfully, it would be more like initially connecting for almost everyone in the family. Since we're one of the youngest families in my extended family, most of those who are older know me as my mother's daughter (and, essentially, still a child). Then there are cousins who have their own lives who I've only met a time or two and second cousins I've never met. As for the dysfunction, there are strands of it throughout my extended family. There is one group, for instance, that I would definitely avoid/be hesitant to become involved with for BPD-related reasons, others who, from what I know, may have other kinds of dysfunction in their own nuclear families, and others who it's hard to tell. There really is no safe person I feel like I can trust...everything, and I do mean everything, is tainted by my mother's involvement and presence. Trying to interact with anyone right now feels like a huge risk, because I have no idea what my mother and/or sib have been saying or doing. I am also a single person with no children, so I essentially have no pull as an adult in any kind of family interaction...and no one outside of T to go to if things get worse from an interaction.

I hope for others they are able to work within their circumstances if they're more conflicted about these things...but for me, it's a matter of doing something that feels very uncomfortable from a societal standpoint, but is the only path I feel OK about taking right now.

[Harri]

If not attending is right for you, then don't attend.  You have to act in ways that are consistent with your values and one of those is taking care of you. 

for me, it's a matter of doing something that feels very uncomfortable from a societal standpoint, but is the only path I feel OK about taking right now.

Good for you.  Not acting on the expectations of others is a step forward.

I hope others chime in here.