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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: My son  (Read 662 times)
JNChell
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« on: March 16, 2019, 08:36:01 PM »

Brother, I’m sitting here and watching my 4 year old son play with a fan, a part from my weight bench, a dust pan and a stuffed animal that he has named “Tinkles”.  Do you ever find yourself amazed by your son’s imagination?

Thanks for the tunage.
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« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2019, 08:53:59 PM »

Red, that’s a prudent tune. “Why won’t you talk to me”? Discussion, or the lack of and the inability to communicate with S4’s mom is what ended us. The tools may have prolonged things and made it easier, but I think that it was inevitable.
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« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2019, 08:55:16 PM »

Brother, I’m sitting here and watching my 4 year old son play,

Do you ever find yourself amazed by your son’s imagination?

Thanks for the tunage.

Oh’ yes, my son (S32) has quite an imagination (autism), all day it’s been “steam trains with electric light generators”’?

He loves trains!

My middle son, who is 28, he has also had a very vivid and active imagination his entire life, he is a computer “wiz”, matter of fact he and one of his friends are “building”’me a new tower... wow : )

My daughter (D26) is also way smarter than “dad” (Red5)... she has always been very artistic and “in touch”’with the “natural world”... she works as paralegal...

After my first marriage ended, I was a single dad with all three of them for about five years...

My children are my life Brother... yes, “my life” ; )

Enjoy time with your Son, go do “man” stuff with him as often as you can, fishing, working on things... getting dirty and greasy... build things... work with wood, a bird house maybe : )

When I think about my children... they are all still little in my mind... ages 6-10... isn’t that silly... about the same time period as that album was released (1994)... we in Beaufort fr a second tour at that time... I remember shrimping and crabbing down on the Broad River, and going to Hunting Island state park to the beach...

Those were good years, for a while  ...   between marital storms...

Enjoy them when there little... they grow up so fast Brother !

Red5
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« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2019, 09:00:26 PM »

Red, that’s a prudent tune. “Why won’t you talk to me”? Discussion, or the lack of and the inability to communicate with S4’s mom...

I remember listening to this album... we were deployed to Iwakuni Japan, I was on the night check... we worked on our squadrons F-18’s all night into the early hours past midnight most nights... so we would go back to our barracks and drink... and chain smoke... and wonder how are families were doing back home in the states... that was 1994-1998 time frame... we did two consequence WESTPAC deployments during this time... six months each...

I listening to the album right now...’memories’ are a wash in my head...

I’m in here somewhere in this old @ss video ...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-XoO3pmMW2s

Red5
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« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2019, 09:03:20 PM »

Brother, I’m sitting here and watching my 4 year old son play with a fan, a part from my weight bench, a dust pan and a stuffed animal that he has named “Tinkles”.  Do you ever find yourself amazed by your son’s imagination?

Thanks for the tunage.

https://youtu.be/B32yjbCSVpU
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« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2019, 09:08:33 PM »


^^ awesome ^^
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« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2019, 09:26:44 PM »

Turkish, I’ve not heard that song in ages. Honestly, I’ve never listened to it from a father’s POV. It was a bit scary. I want my boy to be ok. I want him to know how to navigate life. Good tune, man.
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« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2019, 10:07:06 PM »

One hit 90s wonder! But they did that cover right. 

I wouldn't over think it at this point.  S9 was frustrated with homework on fractions this week,  he's otherwise a human calculator,  but he struggled with the homework.  We stopped at Taco Bell, and he said he wanted to work there the rest of his life, catastrophizing based upon his mood. You have time,  as does he.  Don't over think it too much at this point,  just show him love.  Love covers a multitude of everything, to plagiarize and mishmash The Bible.  If you're ok,  he'll be ok.  Focus upon you being ok and he'll mirror that. 

"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon..."
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« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2019, 10:20:02 PM »

In the little bit of time that I have with him, I show him love. I also show him responsibility and consequence. I’m mindful of those things. I don’t yell at him and I don’t hit him. I just talk to him. I know the state of his mom’s house and that he’s being yelled at and occasionally hit. I can’t control that and it drives me nuts. She sees nothing wrong with it. I see every reason wrong with it. I hope that my boy votes with his feet some day.
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« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2019, 10:33:10 PM »

He may or he may not.  S9 intuited that his mom cheated on me with his stepdad (she left me for him when he had just turned 4).  He told me this two months ago.  That doesn't mean that he doesn't love his mother.  Focus on you being the best man and father to your son apart from mom. 
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« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2019, 10:39:41 PM »

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eIcbIxm5z48
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« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2019, 11:07:02 PM »

It’s been hard separating the two, Turkish. I get it. It’s a process, but our Son bonded me to his mother in a way that I can’t describe. It’s strong. We can’t speak to or see each other, but we share a child. In a perfect world we would shower each other with love and admiration. We’d love bomb each other. It would stick and the kids would have a good influence. I feel very guilty for failing the kids. I didn’t fail my ex. That was a no win situation, but the kids. Single parenting has become an epidemic. The kids need both and they need them together. I wasn’t well enough to choose a good partner. We atttact what we project.
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« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2019, 06:59:12 AM »

I used to cry when I heard this song when my kids were little. There was a period of time in my marriage where my H was not around, he refused to help with the kids. During the week, somehow he had to be at work all the time. On weekends he wanted to pursue his hobbies.

It was obvious to others that he wasn't ever there- I could tell they knew something was odd. But I couldn't change it. On weekends, I would get up with the kids and we'd do something fun ( while Dad had his "me" time). I used to look at Dads out with their kids with wonder why my H didn't do that. My kids' dad did support us, but otherwise it was me with them most of the time.

I realized that, while I resented his absence from us, he was really missing out on all the times with the kids and the opportunities to bond with them. During MC later he actually expressed some regret for these times. The MC actually helped him to communicate with the kids better and their relationship is better. One of my kids is like the child in the song- puts work first and my H has actually said " don't do what I did".  I hope it makes a difference.

I don't have an issue with traditional roles, but I don't think what we had was a healthy balance or good for the kids or the relationship. "Watching the kids" was my job to him at the time, but it's way more than that. I'm glad you guys realize it.

My mother has BPD. I think she was able to negatively influence my father's relationship with me over time, but when I was a kid- he was there for me. It was my mother who didn't want to have much to do with us kids. On weekends, Dad would take us out and she'd stay home.

We had great times with Dad- at parks, museums, movies and it's not a surprise that I felt more bonded with him than with her. Time with kids is essential for forming bonds. You will both benefit from giving time to your kids.

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« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2019, 09:42:08 AM »

About trains...  Red, they would interest your son.

Just a month before my S&D (separation & divorce) we all went to a nearby town where Thomas the Train had tickets for rides.  My son was approaching 4 years of age, he loved it even though Thomas was just a shell in front of the train.

The next summer I took my son on vacation out West.  That in itself was a big flameout for my then stbEx, she tried to get an Amber Alert on us.  The deputy claims he didn't do anything special to avoid her ire but his report stated how he deflected her, "it does not meet the criteria of Amber Alert".

Back to our trip... There was Tiny Town RailRoad west just outside Denver we toured, some mini trains and mini buildings there.  Then we rode the tram up Pikes Peak.  (Take the early trams up, it can get cloudy and rainy later in the day.)  Then we rode a couple steam engine narrow gauge railroads.  Rails only 3 feet apart, the cars can sway noticeably, beware of motion sickness.

Cumbres-Toltec runs to/from Chama NM across the state line a few times from/to Antonito CO.  Midway is Ossier Station for a lunch stop near 10,000 feet.  Buffet-style, I stuff myself on the Turkey option.  I prefer the Chama side with expansive valleys since much of the Antonito side is high desert.

Durango-Silverton train has more gorges but you buy your own lunch in Silverton, an old mining town ambiance nestled in the mountains.  And the drive from Durango to Silverton and on to Ouray is fabulous.  Also unforgettable is the 15 miles of Glenwood Canyon just east of Glenwood Springs.  I took both the hikes along Grizzly Creek and Hanging Lake.  Bring water!
« Last Edit: March 18, 2019, 09:48:22 AM by ForeverDad » Logged

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« Reply #14 on: March 18, 2019, 10:50:48 AM »

About trains...  Red, they would interest your son.

Durango-Silverton train has more gorges…

The Durango-Silverton train… that's pretty cool !… wow !

Around here, we've gone out to Blowing Rock to see and ride "Tweetsie"… and also to the NC Transportation Museum in Spencer… that was really cool !

There is the NC Railroad Museum down in Wilmington too, they let him blow the train whistle… a real "live" one… he was thrilled : )

Always on the lookout for a new "steam train" experience 

Notwendy, I remember in Pensacola, first marriage, last few years before the divorce, pretty much every weekend, me and the kids were out of the house doing something, wife would never go with us, she said, "you need to spend more time with them" (?)… so we were always out and about, the beach, the national forest/parks… the "Discovery Store" at the mall, out to eat at our fav dinners… "Books a Million"… the "National Museum of Naval Aviation" was right down the street from our "quarters"… as well Fort Barrancas, and Fort Pickens… fun times : )

They grow up so fast...

Kind Regards, Red5
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« Reply #15 on: March 18, 2019, 09:29:51 PM »

This is pretty cool. You guys are painting a great landscape. ForeverDad, a Day With Thomas was the last trip we took as a family. Things ended shortly after. My son was mesmerized by Sir Topem Hat. Sp? His mom has the pics but it was hilarious. The following Monday I returned home from work and was met with hostility on how I ruined the whole trip. I didn’t even have time to say hi to her. She was sweet and affectionate during the trip. That’s where it ended. It took a little time, but there was no recovering from that. There’s a lot more to say, but there really isn’t anymore.

The trips that you guys have described sound great. I’m a midwestern flatlander. It’s always something to see what lies beyond the corn.

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« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2019, 10:14:26 AM »

Sometimes being a parent alone most of the time got awkward.  There are only so many places to take kids. I'm not about to chat up some lone father but little kids play with each other.

I would see the same dad alone with his kids and our kids got to playing with each other. One day he said to me " I'm married". I was so embarrassed- I hoped he wasn't getting the wrong impression. I said " so am I". We didn't talk about spouses but he saw through my flimsy excuses for my H being "busy". He mentioned once his wife had issues with "depression".

I only saw him with the kids, but years later, I ran into him with a date. He had gotten divorced.

I wonder if the wife had BPD?

It didn't make sense to me that on one hand, my H was afraid I would cheat on him, and yet, he wasn't around and everyone knew it. I was alone in public so much people thought I was single. I wasn't out to cheat- not interested and surely had enough drama to deal with, but it really felt awkward.
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« Reply #17 on: March 20, 2019, 07:47:26 PM »

Notwendy, I can see how that would’ve been awkward. I have trouble finding things to do with S4. Maybe I’m just afraid to try. His mom’s side throws these excellent Birthday parties. The holidays are a big thing. My ex’s mom left 5 minutes after S4 was born without saying a word. I hope that my last two sentences make sense. Her mom’s expression never changed. She wasn’t there for most of the labor. S4’s mom was eventually positioned on her hands and knees to properly position S4 to come out safely. This put my ex in a great deal of pain (no drugs) and her mom tried to rub her back. She pushed her mom’s hand away and pulled at mine. Oh man, I haven’t thought about that for a while. Ok, I’m getting off track here.

I think ahead to vacations and things that he and I will do as he gets older, but right now things are pretty simple. He’s developing, so I try to focus on that. I’m trying to cement communication between he and I. I shower him with love while also showing him that there are consequences to his actions. I put a new rule in place last week. There is no yelling or screaming in our home. Playful, sure. I told him that I can hear him better when he talks, rather than screams at me. He got what I was saying, but he’s 4 and impulsive so it’s a process and a matter of being consistent in the rule.

I’m on the flip side of that coin. I wanted to be included. His mom would text me pics of what they were doing while I was working on a Saturday without telling me she had these plans. Saturdays were voluntary. I could’ve went with them. I don’t know what to think of those things. I have speculations, but how can I be sure.
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« Reply #18 on: March 20, 2019, 08:50:15 PM »

It took me a while,  but I bit the bullet and started doing some things with the kids and my ex when invited. 
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« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2019, 05:51:16 AM »



My mother has BPD. I think she was able to negatively influence my father's relationship with me over time, but when I was a kid- he was there for me. It was my mother who didn't want to have much to do with us kids. On weekends, Dad would take us out and she'd stay home.

We had great times with Dad- at parks, museums, movies and it's not a surprise that I felt more bonded with him than with her. Time with kids is essential for forming bonds. You will both benefit from giving time to your kids.



Notwendy, It is interesting that you are the first adult woman that I've seen on this board that seems to be very similar to my adult daughters. When your parents split(if they did) did your mother become the "victim" and start drama triangles with you to damage your relationship with your dad? I've been experiencing that.

I'm glad to see that you seem to be emotionally healthy now, even having had a mom with BPD.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2019, 05:57:29 AM by Barnabus » Logged
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« Reply #20 on: March 21, 2019, 09:03:55 AM »

I would continue to support and be thankful for the imagination.  My S14 was once like that, then he grew out of it and the extent of his imagination is watching YouTube videos.  If this imagination is lost keeping such a child occupied can become difficult and emotionally draining. 

Part of my issue has also developed from the competition between households and mother constantly showering the children with gifts and attention.  This has grown into two children not able to occupy their own time without having a device or someone with them.  I think it unhealthy.  So continue celebrating what you're witnessing.   
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« Reply #21 on: March 21, 2019, 01:00:19 PM »

My son had a similarly awesome imagination at that age.  We spent a lot of time outside - at the park, or on daily 2-3 mile walks.  We'd stop in random places and make up stories about what was happening around us (there were 3 trees in the middle of a field.  We decided there were 2 baby bears and a fox that lived in the trees, and every week we'd talk about what they did since we last walked be there.  My son LOVED this.)

I also discovered there were lots of free events in the area - things put on by the city, or the library, or surrounding cities.  We went to free concerts at the shopping center and danced and danced.

The great thing about kids this age is that they can be entertained by simple stuff.  Being fully present and appreciating their quirks goes such a long way.
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« Reply #22 on: March 21, 2019, 07:00:14 PM »

Turkish, I don’t think that the situation will evolve into that. S4 remembers some things and I don’t want to set an example where it’s ok to experience these things and go back for more. I don’t know right now, but that’s where my thoughts stand.
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« Reply #23 on: March 21, 2019, 07:14:44 PM »

scrapps66, thanks for joining the thread. I’ve read about your dilemma with the cell phone. It’s unreal how some people are capable of trying to turn a child against their other parent. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that. That’s a hard one to overcome. How old was your son when you and his mom split? I’m sorry, I’ve not read your back story.

I was worried about competition as well. I alleviated that worry by deciding not to participate. My T gave me some good advice. Toys and gifts will be forgotten, but memories won’t. My new angle is to not buy my son mounds of presents. He’ll get a few, but the greatest gifts will be memories. This can range from baking cookies or making a pizza, to traveling. The important part is making sure that they’re involved in the process.

I imagine that S14 isn’t interested in baking cookies. What is he interested in? Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to his interests may lead to him taking more interest in you. Does that make sense?
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« Reply #24 on: March 21, 2019, 07:25:03 PM »

Hi, worriedStepmom.

(there were 3 trees in the middle of a field.  We decided there were 2 baby bears and a fox that lived in the trees, and every week we'd talk about what they did since we last walked be there.  My son LOVED this.)

This is my boy and I.

The great thing about kids this age is that they can be entertained by simple stuff.

Mom’s are really good at rooting this stuff out. Thanks for the advice.
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« Reply #25 on: March 21, 2019, 07:36:55 PM »

Mom’s are really good at rooting this stuff out. 

I never bought into that stereotype.   When I met my husband, his daughter was 4.  He was, and still is, really good at finding things for them to do together that didn't cost a lot of money.  (It helps that we live in a temperate climate so we can spend lots of time outdoors all year.)

My xH was baffled by our kids until they were 8 or 9.  My H's xW had no idea what to do with her daughter until SD turned 11 (and came to live with us).

You're interested in your son, which is the first step.  If you're having trouble knowing where to look for fun things to do locally,  ask other parents what they do with their kids - parents/teachers at day care or the park or wherever will likely be happy to talk to you.
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« Reply #26 on: March 22, 2019, 02:55:24 PM »

Hi Barnabus- my parents didn't split- they stayed together until he died.

The Karpan triangle plays out in different ways between family members. For my BPD mother, she sees people as either on her side or not her side. She then triangulates by rallying a person in rescue mode to her side and paints the other person black to them. Mom is victim in this triangle and Dad is was rescuer.

I was in this triangle with my parents. Everyone in the family was expected to be mom's enabler rescuer. I got a lot of approval from my father for stepping into this role- and as I got older, I was able to take on more responsibilities for that. It shouldn't have been my responsibility but that's how things were. I was parentified as a teen in relationship to my mom.

The smear campaign on me started when I began to step out of that role and set boundaries with BPD mom.  I was middle age by then with my own children. I was naive about BPD family dynamics. My mother was angry and my father stepped in as her rescuer. When I didn't comply, she painted me black to him and interfered with our relationship. She also then painted me black to her extended family. This has pretty much ruined any relationship I have with them. She's told them many untrue and awful things. For me to refute them, I'd have to talk badly about her. It will just reflect poorly on me. I do see them and speak to them on occasions but I remain cordial but distant.  It really  hurt to lose these relationships. I don't think I can repair them unless everyone is willing to be open about my mother and her mental illness and I don't think they are.

I am sorry you are experiencing this kind of smear campaign. I can see this happening with an ex spouse but it actually happens with anyone who doesn't comply with the dynamics in a family and other family members do. It seems sometimes the cost of being "one of the family" is going along with the dysfunction but it wasn't something I could do.

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JNChell
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« Reply #27 on: March 22, 2019, 06:26:17 PM »

Thanks, worriedStepmom. By happenstance, I found out about a Gummy Bear factory that isn’t very far from home by a coworker today. Tours, big gift shop. Willy Wonka came to mind. When the weather permits around here, I take him to parks and things like that, but he already knows what they are. This summer he’ll fish (I won’t because I’ll be untangling his line, etc.), take nature walks and maybe go camping. He gets a lot of screen time at his mom’s, I don’t even subscribe to TV programming anymore. It’s not my thing. He communicates well, so it’s time to step out in the world a bit and let him roam a little farther away from me than I’ve been allowing.
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« Reply #28 on: March 22, 2019, 11:12:35 PM »

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