Where do I begin... just so tired and lonely.

[Leigh48]

I don’t know if I can bear to tell my whole story all over again. It’s surreal to anyone on the outside and even to myself sometimes. Jeckel and Hyde. Saturday afternoon. His physical appearance even changes in the way he carries himself when he snaps into that mental state. It’s frightening how quickly it happens, at the least little trigger at just the wrong time. And now he hates me. I have no respect for him or his feelings. I am a selfish bitch and he has slept in the guest room the past two nights. What unforgivable sin have I committed to deserve such treatment, you might ask? I want to hang photographs of our family on the wall. That’s it. We have a new house with high ceilings and the walls are practically bare. He has forbidden me to put anything else on the walls. When I told him my plan to hang pictures of the kids and my grandparents he came unglued. He wants NOTHING on the walls. And I am to abide by his wishes. Anything else is blatant disrespect. I should be used to this. I know what I’m dealing with. At least clinically. Ive been with him nearly twelve years. Filed for divorce twice. Even separated for two years and almost went through with the divorce. Reconciled for sake of my six year old. Still, the pain is agonizing. I can’t seem to build the wall thick enough. And no one really seems to understand. I don’t want to burden anyone with this regardless. My family and friends think I’m wrong for going back to him, even though our judge was going to award him joint 50/50 custody and I would receive no child support. He can go for several weeks and be relatively “normal”. And then POW! Right in the gut. I never see it coming and I beat myself up every time because by now you’d think I should. So now since Saturday afternoon, since I told him of my intentions of hanging family pictures, I am being split all bad. He says various things to insult me and my choices at every opportunity. For instance he told he I was going to destroy the brakes on my car by engaging the parking break on a flat pavement. And last night, although he slept in the upstairs guest room (his choice) he became agitated that I did not tell him good night or ask him to come back to our bedroom so he got up and slammed doors to keep me awake all night. My therapist has suggested to try various methods to see what works best and I have. I’ve begged, I’ve listened, I’ve ignored, I’ve left, ive called the police, I’ve crawled into bed with him and refused to leave.But but still the insanity continues. And he doesn’t have a problem. I am his problem. I just want peace. I’d say I want out but I have a precious little girl that is right in the middle and all of this i do for her. Can anyone relate or am I as alone as I feel?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Leigh48! Welcome to the BPD family!

You're definitely not alone. People here can relate. In our own way, we've all been there (or are there now). What you're going through is painful and bewildering and so difficult to navigate. But you've found a supportive group of people who understand and can offer advice, tools or just a (virtual) shoulder to lean on.

It sounds like you're living on a real roller coaster.

I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist. Is your partner seeing anyone?

If you could point to one or two parts of your relationship that seem to be of the most concern right now, what would they be?

Again, welcome!

[Leigh48]

Oh Ozzie, thank you for replying. Just to connect with someone else right now who understands means so much! He just called and said he’s “had it with me”. Our daughter is out of school this week so he’s taking off work the next couple of days and taking her on a little road trip to get away from me for awhile. Says he’s “sick of my drama”. Seriously? I am the one left cowering in the corner, terrified to make the one wrong move that will set off the land mine that is the horrendous Mr. Hyde! And he’s sick of MY drama? I haven’t been to my therapist since January. It’s a long story but yes, I need to see someone again soon. My mental health is not well itself, but it’s becoming stressful just to go to my therapist appointments. My husband monitors everywhere I go. And of course if I go to therapy he wants to know what I discuss when I’m there. My husband is very dubious of therapy and will refuse to continue with any therapist who would even begin to suggest that he is disordered in some way. The moment labels or terms are mentioned with what he would consider negative connotations he immediately quits and declares the therapist a “quack” or just an idiot.

[Ozzie101]

I know what you mean. When I started having problems with my H, it was a HUGE relief to find this place and to interact with people who can truly understand.

One thing pwBPD do very often is they project and transfer. For instance, my H (who is the primary breadwinner) used to lash out at me for not contributing enough financially to the household. Used to say things like, "Well, maybe I'll just quit and you'll have to support us on your paycheck. How would you like that?" In truth, he was worried about his job and was very stressed out about it. Or he'd attack me for not helping enough. He actually felt guilty because he felt HE wasn't helping enough. Makes sense in a strange way. They also tend to feel shame and guilt very acutely. I just wonder if some of that may be going on with your partner when he complains about your drama?

And I know what you mean on the therapy struggle. My H was VERY anti-therapy. He tried several and quit after one or two sessions every time. Fortunately, he's finally found someone he connects with. He, too, called them all quacks. I started seeing someone and actually hid that fact from him. I scheduled the appointments during the work day and used some of my ample sick time.

Walking on eggshells can definitely take a toll on your mental, emotional and physical health.

A few things you mentioned make me a bit concerned so I hope you don't mind if I ask: Has your partner ever gotten physically violent? Have you ever felt he might? I just want to make sure you're safe.

[Leigh48]

Yes, it’s been a long time since he was physically violent but it has happened and I’m very fearful it could happen again. He can fly into such a rage that he loses complete control, and there are periods of time I believe that he blocks out and has no memory of later. As I said, it hasn’t happened in a while but lately he’s been getting more and more angry it seems with each cycle as I call it. I’ve called the police before when I’ve felt threatened. I hate to have to do it again but he knows that I will. Right now I’m exhausted and feeling a bit hopeless. He is never going to resign himself to admitting to a problem much less doing anything about it. How in the world am I going to grow a thicker skin and build a higher wall between us if he keeps ripping my heart out and leaving me in a crumpled heap every time he does this? He called and woke me up last night to tell me how he doesn’t want to be married anymore, that he’s not attracted to me anymore, that I’m a horrible mother, selfish, and that I have “once again” made his life miserable. I honestly have no idea what I do to deserve such treatment! I can hardly bear to write the words it hurts so much. I’m about to call my therapist and try to get in. I’m sitting in my office at work, afraid to go home. Not really sure what I’m going home to.

[Ozzie101]

Oh, Leigh48, I'm sorry.

I really do know how you feel because I've been in a very similar situation, and not that long ago. My H would accuse me of all kinds of terrible things -- saying I'd married him for his money, that I was a selfish, horrible person, that he wanted a divorce. And I remember very well the feeling of not knowing what I was going to find at home at the end of the day. It's a terrible way to live.

My H also had more than one rage where he seemed out of control and there are many things he said or did that he can't remember at all. They're blackouts, as my therapist explains it. Scary stuff.

The fact that he has been physically violent before is a  and you're right, it could very well happen again. I'm glad you're going to try to see your therapist.

Have you ever sought help from a domestic violence agency? I did last year and it was extremely helpful. They often have 24-7 call lines where you can talk to someone trained in helping people in your situation. They also have many resources available to help you decide what to do and how to do it safely.

Please let us know if you're able to get in with your therapist and keep us posted!

[once removed]

what is his beef with you hanging up family pictures, specifically? why does he feel its disrespectful?

[Leigh48]

He has forbidden me to hang anything on the walls at all. It’s a “because I said so” control sort of thing. This is the first house we’ve bought together. Our first house was mine before we married and he said he never felt as if anything there was his. Hanging pictures on the walls is only the beginning. Anything decorative without practical purpose is a waste of space and money in his opinion and should be gotten rid of to free up space or sold for cash. I literally had to plead to keep my grandparents antique piano that I inherited and had to argue with him the necessity of having more than one set of dishes. I really do think live in some warped dimension sometimes.

[I Am Redeemed]

So because the last house was "yours", he's decided this one is "his"?

I know what you mean about a warped dimension. My stbx uBPDh had strange opinions about household stuff as well, and he could and did get physically violent over it sometimes. The dishes could not be left in the dishwasher after washing them. The floor should be vacuumed every other day. He accused me of "spot mopping" if the kitchen floor wasn't completely clean at all times. And he was the opposite of your h; he accused me of not caring about our home (and thus, our relationship) because I didn't put up enough pictures...or the kind he wanted...

I am sorry for the terrible things he is saying to you. It can be crazymaking sometimes. He caused the ridiculous drama, then accused you of it and used that as an excuse to further verbally assault you. That can make you feel so frustrated, hurt, and incredulous that it's happening.

I'm with Ozzie, it might be good to speak with a dv advocate. The national hotline has a chat option if you don't want to call. I did before, and found it very helpful. And I think it's wise to talk to a counselor.

What happened when you called the police? Did his behavior improve for a while?

Redeemed