How to deal with an angry partner

[Ozzie101]

How to deal with an angry partner

Anger is a hallmark of Borderline personality disorder and something often experienced with people who have BPD traits at any level.

To some, the natural response to this is to fight back. To some the response is to go into a mode of justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining. Some prescribe to handling arguments with "I will not take your abuse any longer" and leaving with  "when you can act civilly, I will talk to you." This type of language can cause a person to escalate.

Jim Fay, founder of Love and Logic says "Don’t try to reason with an angry person. Use empathy and understanding instead".

“Why is my partner angry? Why does she act disrespectfully, critical, go into a rage? He has a chip on his shoulder.”

A person who acts out is sharing their emotions through anger. Anger is a secondary emotion that occurs after another emotion. For individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder, this other emotion is often fear (such as a fear of abandonment or a fear of feeling inferior).  In these situations, the anger may be saying "something isn't right and I need to protect myself before I get hurt". Although the person may have many good reasons for being angry, their behavior while angry can still leave us unsure of how to respond.

A Partner’s Job is to Understand, Not to Fix It

Listen for understanding when your partner is filled with anger. Don’t try to reason with an angry person. Instead saying something like, “It sounds like you are really mad. I want to listen and understand. I cannot understand what you are saying when you yell. Can you take some time to calm your voice and come back to me then so we can talk.” If you can’t get your partner to leave, then you leave. Be prepared to repeat your calm statement if he or she continues to yell in anger without leaving. “We can talk when you are calm.” You may need to say this several times.

Thanks for Sharing

Once your partner is able to talk about their anger, listen to them without trying to reason. Don’t tell your partner that he or she cannot be angry. Avoid telling them that things will be okay or how to fix things. You just need to show that you understand—“It sounds like you get mad when I ask you to help around the house. Thanks for sharing that with me. I’ll give it some thought. Can you share with me a better way to remind you?”

Don’t Make It Worse

Partners who don’t treat their partner with respect make it worse and send a message that says, “You are not worthy.” These partners often respond with yelling or disrespectful comments, such as "I will not stand here for abuse - I'm leaving and will return when you have cooled off." This encourages the partner to yell back and get madder; there may even be door slamming and screaming back. It’s a vicious cycle that breeds anger in both parties.


Workshop objectives

As part of this workshop, lets look at the different strategies that we have used that have worked for dealing with anger.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

I read someplace the other day… something to the effect of… "a person who is acting out in anger is afraid of ____, or is confused about a yet to be revealed outcome… it went on to say that F-E-A-R is "false evidence appearing real"… ie' "feelings equal facts".

There was a bit more, as I'm now remembering it… people will "live in the past", and the resulting "fear" that is generated by things that happened in the past, is "falsely" predicting (projected) onto the future"… a future that has not been realized yet, and many not EVER happen…

How sad is that, instead of spending the beautiful day "living in the present"… its instead spent worrying about tomorrow, that isn't even here yet, based on yesterdays negative experiences, that we cannot change anyways… well, there you go.

My Grandmother used to call this "worrying", "borrowing trouble".

As I remember, my own undiagnosed wife would often be very worried about the future, and as well constantly bringing up the past, to support her negative predictions of a yet to be seen future… thus making the "present" miserable.

This "frame of mind" would pretty soon, develop into anger (projection), and be leveled off at me in the form of hot, and livid anger…

No mater how I tried to explain it away to her, and cool things off, dial things back (JADE), it of course!… only made it worse, and worse.

And the result was either the silent treatment, or a complete meltdown (dysregulation) with threats of "I'm done", "I want a divorce"… "you never listen to me"...

Unfortunately, I learned too late in the game, and I only exacerbated the situation… and as I was severely lacking in my abilities to "handle" BPD (tools), the third and forth horsemen (Gottman), ran me down.

My wife and I have been separated since the first day of December.

"I will not stand here for abuse - I'm leaving and will return when you have cooled off." This encourages the partner to yell back and get madder; there may even be door slamming and screaming back. It’s a vicious cycle that breeds anger in both parties.

I agree, ^not advisable^, this is invalidating…

I think the best thing we as the non can do is to just "stop"… just stop, don't move, don't make it worse, be quiet, don't run, and just listen… "I am listening"… "I am right here"… "you are very angry with me, I am sorry"… "you feelings are important to me, lets try to talk about it"...

… something like that maybe, just "stop", and "listen"… we don't have to attend every fight, and disagreement, its a "hair trigger" sometimes… I can think of many many times, I myself could have put the safety pin back into the bomb shackle, and thusly avoided days, or even weeks of bedlam, and the silent treatment… etc'.

Red5

[Ozzie101]

That's what I usually ended up doing: just listening. Anything else (like trying to leave the conversation, JADE-ing, etc.) just made it worse. Trying to extricate myself made him more angry and likely triggered abandonment fears. It's no fun feeling trapped like that -- in fact, it's exhausting. But I never found a way around it.

[Red5]

Trying to extricate myself made him more angry and likely triggered abandonment fears.

Another thing I think I may have learned, and as well read… when a pw/BPD is angry at you (non), or a situation you may be a part of, or blamed with… the "anger" is part of the pw/BPD's never ending desire/compunction to control, the control part is based on fear (false evidence appearing real)… the pw/BPD wants to control the ____, or the non; in order to stave off their perceived fear.

Fear is the product of "fear of abandonment, and engulfment" (?).

If the pw/BPD is not in control, then pw/BPD fears that the "non" may leave, or get too close.

This is a "Catch22" for the non, there is no correct reaction/action here, statement, or course of action to take, the non will be wrong in the pw/BPD's eyes every time… leading to dysregulation, and a fight/argument… but its at this point that the non has to do the hard thing, and not accelerate/escalate the disagreement…

It could be anything… the lists of possible triggers is endless.

Enter "radical acceptance"… and the "tools"… above all empathy, and ever forefront, "don't take it personal".

The pw/BPD lives in fear, and control (power over) is the antidote to the "engulfing" feelings of fear for the pw/BPD.

If the non 'ever' challenges the pw/BPD for this control, as they say, "that's when the fight started"…

Like two scuba divers fighting over the last tank of air… the unquenchable desire to breath (control) overcomes the pw/BPD, they have to protect that inner "self" (hole in the soul, wounded)… that was created so long ago, in order to protect them, the pw/BPD we know now… at the original point of danger, event horizon (trauma), that birthed the BPD in the first place… "nature nurture".

How many times have we seen this growing up, perhaps an Aunt, who was "domineering", "controlling", (angry)… and had a "hen pecked husband"… now, after all these years, it has begun to make sense to me.

This "hen pecked husband"… seen him many times growing up… he does what he's told, doesn't talk back (back sass), "a short leash"... hands over his pay check without question, low profile, don't make waves, don't set her off, or he's gonna get it (anger)… we are talking decades of living in this fashion…

What creates this in a person (Aunt Hermes, real person), this need to control, to domineer, the need to "win" at all costs… even to the detriment, and eventual destruction of the relationship (marriage)… or else any other relationships, family or otherwise.

Mix in "paranoia", and "perpetual victimhood"… and a side of "entitlement".

All very very interesting !

Red5