I rented a room in his home till end of March. Two scenarios / what to do ?

[FreddyFo]

I don't know how many of you have read my post on my Borderline ex...but it's not different from all the other stories up here. Showered me with love, made me feel like a queen then split me to black and rejected me. (in the meantime I found out that he was already in contact with a new girl and was also doing cocaine)
Here-s a link to the full story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334754.msg13040950

Anyway, I loved him so badly that after only 1 month together - I moved in a shared house with him / the house was owned by a landlord and my ex had a room and I had another and there was a third girl living there too in another room.

I had to run out of the house after the big splitting episode - we fought for 8 hours because I did not know he was borderline - he accused me of faking a pregnancy and abortion with him - he ultimately pushed me on the ground - so I left.

Then I found your forum and started understanding everything that happened to me - and started wondering if I should have done things differently ...

Now I found refuge at a friend's house - but I am still paying for the room I rented at his place till end of March.

I have two questions for you:

Everyone advice me to go NO CONTACT ... but I always wonder if I could use these last 10 days of March to try and win him back... by using the house I still have. Why do I want to win him back? Because ...before he went crazy ...the days with him were the best days of my life.
As of now he is totally no contact with me and thinks I am the devil.

I am debating between two scenarios/options:

TRY TO WIN HIM BACK
1) Do you think I should do that? By entering the house when he's not around ...showing my presence... hoping to trigger some positive emotion... go there and leave him some small gifts by his door? I don't know if that will be counterproductive. How does one try to win back a Borderline if he sees you all black and is seeing other girls?

STAY NO CONTACT
2) I left some of my stuff in his private room, and I would want them back ... I was thinking of sending him an emotionless text saying " Can I please have my stuff back, could you put it in a bag and hang it by my door - I will go pick it up next week "
This way, having the keys I could go in the house, pick my stuff and have no contact with him.


What do you think of these two scenarios? I am super confused...

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[once removed]

"no contact" is a detaching tool for people trying to take the space to heal from a relationship they are committed to ending.

theres a big difference between that and not over pursuing someone who is giving the cold shoulder. its ideal to avoid that because it just works against us.

Do you think I should do that? By entering the house when he's not around ...showing my presence... hoping to trigger some positive emotion... go there and leave him some small gifts by his door? I don't know if that will be counterproductive. How does one try to win back a Borderline if he sees you all black and is seeing other girls?

i dont think this is a strategy for winning him back. it might feel intrusive.

if someone is seeing someone else, the best thing we can do is distance ourselves completely from it. most relationships end around the 90 day mark, and rebound relationships have a low success rate. if you insert yourself in the equation though, it could either push him deeper into the relationship, or increase resentment toward you, a number of things can go wrong.

[Purplex]

Hi Freddy,

Why do I want to win him back? Because ...before he went crazy ...the days with him were the best days of my life.

The honeymoon phase with a pwBPD can feel similar to a drug -- everything seems perfect, you feel connected in ways you never experienced before. It's highly addictive, and it's also just one side of the coin. The other side is rejection, despair and deep emotional pain. There is no "before he went crazy". Both sides are symptoms of BPD and signs of a unhealthy relationship. And whatever you do or say, you have no influence on which side is flipped upwards. Unless he is willing to seek treatment, this uncertainty is what you will be confronted with constantly and with time, the coin will land on the destructive side more often then not.
The honeymoon phase is quite literally too good to be true, it's not at all representative of what you will get out of the relationship in the long run. I would strongly advise against making a decision solely based on hope for things to return to how they were at the beginning, because they most likely won't. 

[FreddyFo]

Thank you so much for your advice

[Ozzie101]

Hi Freddy

I agree with Once and Purplex.

Pursuing someone in a situation like you're describing is not likely to bring about the result you want. Distance is best. You can't make him do what you want and trying to manipulate him in that direction is not the key to a healthy relationship.

Also, as Purplex said, while the good times are intoxicating, they don't last. When deciding what to do, you need to look at the whole picture. When you remember the idealistic good phase, you also need to remind yourself of how bad it can get, because more often than not, that will be the reality you live with. At least until/unless he gets real therapeutic help.

[FreddyFo]

thank you for the advice - I think you are right...
Sometimes I get really confused and have crazy ideas around what to do with him...but then you guys bring me back to earth.

Today I noticed that he made it official that he's fallen in love with this other girl - it's painful.
Especially since we had an abortion together in January and lived together till mid February.. how can someone move on so easily after such things?
I am honestly scared by this pathology.

[FreddyFo]

update:

My hands are actually shaking and that's why I have decided to write here.
The 31st of the month is my last rental day of the room I'm renting in his house (we have a common landlord) - and I have decided to stick to my NO CONTACT and not to try to win him back.

But I need to get the things that I have left in his room, and then I can drop my keys to the home owner/landlord.

So I have sent him a pretty un-emotional text message saying "I would love to get my things from your room, here is the list of things : ... - Could you please put everything in a plastic bag and leave it on the handle of my door, and then send me a text when you do that?
I will come by wednesday evening - can you do that before then? Thank you so much"

The reason I picked wednesday evening is because he has a show and he will be out of the house - so I can pick my things up without having to meet him.
Also that's why I asked him to put stuff in a bag for me to go and pick it up without crossing each other.


I don't know why my hands are shaking now - I'm scared of his reply - scared of reading a text from him - scared of feeling scared and I don't know why and how to handle this feeling.
I have been NO CONTACT with him for the past 24 days - and now just one small text to ask my things back is sending me into big agitation.

[FreddyFo]

update:

My hands are actually shaking and that's why I have decided to write here.
The 31st of the month is my last rental day of the room I'm renting in his house (we have a common landlord) - and I have decided to stick to my NO CONTACT and not to try to win him back.

But I need to get the things that I have left in his room, and then I can drop my keys to the home owner/landlord.

So I have sent him a pretty un-emotional text message saying "I would love to get my things from your room, here is the list of things : ... - Could you please put everything in a plastic bag and leave it on the handle of my door, and then send me a text when you do that?
I will come by wednesday evening - can you do that before then? Thank you so much"

The reason I picked wednesday evening is because he has a show and he will be out of the house - so I can pick my things up without having to meet him.
Also that's why I asked him to put stuff in a bag for me to go and pick it up without crossing each other.


I don't know why my hands are shaking now - I'm scared of his reply - scared of reading a text from him - scared of feeling scared and I don't know why and how to handle this feeling.
I have been NO CONTACT with him for the past 24 days - and now just one small text to ask my things back is sending me into big agitation.

He has sent a very nasty response back:

"Nothing from you exist anymore apart from the necklace and the book, you are not welcome anywhere where I am, but you can come and grab your things wedsneday night I will live them outside the house next to the garbage"

a) he's insane
b) I have the right to enter the house since I rented the room till end of the month - I don't think he can legally forbid me from entering the house, he's just another tenant - not the landlord.
c) why is he behaving like this?
d) I could have reported him to the police for domestic abuse and called the landlord to let him know about what he has done to me - but instead I preferred not to put him in a bad situation...and now he's doing this to me?

[FreddyFo]

 
Please help me understand - I am so mad right now

[Ozzie101]

I can understand your pain. Being discarded like that is an awful thing. But with pwBPD, unfortunately, that's not too unusual. You can go from being the most wonderful person in the world to worse than dirt in their minds.

On your lettered points, you're thinking rationally. He's not. And as frustrating as it is to deal with, you can't expect him to think the way you do. It's crazy-making but the brains of pwBPD just don't work in the same way. For some reason, he has painted you black. Unfortunately, it's not something we can truly understand. He's a volatile person with many problems and he's made it clear he wants to move on. He may come back. He may not. But the best thing you can do for yourself is focus on you. Spend time with friends. Post on these boards. Read more about BPD to learn about the disorder and what's behind it.
There are a lot of good resources on this site. For instance, this has many questions and answers about BPD:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0;sort=views;desc

I'd pick up your things and go back to the NC and do your best to move on. Retaliation or trying to explain your feelings and argue your side will not do any good with him and may, instead, just make things worse.

[once removed]

does he have more apart from the necklace and the book?

[FreddyFo]

I left so many things there, in the message he says “ nothing from you exists anymore apart ...” so I presume he threw out all my other stuff. Without asking me if I wanted my things back knowing they were of value to me.
Anyway I had read this forum a lot and I don’t seem to have found other borderline examples like this one - I see in him incredible evil.let me just quickly recap for you:

- falls in love with me in Nov
- pushes me away after a week for no reason
- I go back he asks me to move in with him by renting a room in the shared apartment he is in
- asks me to spend NYE with him
- honwymoon phase
- we were making love and he came inside without consent
- I got pregnant and had to have an abortion
- he started looking at another prey and devalue me day after day for no logic reason
- I find out he does cocaine but I stay with him
- big splitting episode where he accuses me my pregnancy was fake and that I am a manipulator
- he pushes me on the ground - I have bruises for weeks during the last fight
- I get scared and move out of the house - despite having paid till end of March for my room
- after few days he is in a new relationship with the prey he previously selected while with me
- becomes incredibly nasty with me by painting me like the devil

How can someone, even borderline - be so evil with someone he was with and had an abortion together?
What I don’t seem to read in other people stories on the forum (and that might just be me not reading the right posts) is that I see pure sheer evil in this guy behaviour.
I read posts where people manage to talk to their BPD partners or ex.   This guy not only is no contact - but when I ask him stuff politely he is so nasty evil insensitive mean childish and evil again that leaves me wondering if he’s even human.
Even during the last and final fight I could see no human emotions in his eyes - it was like looking into empty eyes of glass- no feelings and an evil smile.
I see no humanity in him - I think I stumbled upon a very severe case - what is the worst BPD stage? Like Psychopath?

[once removed]

it was hard for me, and took me a while to understand that the level of/amount/type of/nature of the conflict that we have with our loved ones/exes is not necessarily indicative of pathology or severity of it.

bottom line, youre dealing with a guy who is angry, vindictive, and has acted in a pretty self centered manner, and that hurts.

what do you want to do about your belongings? do you think hes really disposed of a bunch of it? is there anything that is very necessary for you to get back?

[FreddyFo]

So my belongings (that are left in his room) were mostly things that were gifted to me and are hard to find now - so that's why I wanted them back. Like a t-shirt a dear friend form paris gave me and it's impossible to find (but he mentions that the most valuable things "don't exist anymore")... anyway, here's what I will do today - let me know if you have tips:

Will go to the house when he's not there, around 7 pm (he is working from 7 till 11 pm).
I will gather the things that I have left in my personal room, meet the other girl/roommate and give her the keys and say goodbye.
She hates the guts out of him - so I'm not sure if to talk to her... if I can be open with her in terms why I left the house ... or if to say nothing.

Also: in the kitchen there are things that I purchased for the house for the two of us: coffee machine, pots, coffe cups, a small carpet and some pillows. I am wondering if to take them with me or leave them there. I have the bill that can prove they are mine.

On one hand I want to take my things with me and not let him use my stuff anymore.
On the other hand I say to myself "leave the stuff there even if you paid for it and is yours... because a) you are better than him b) you don't want to give him any opportunity to text you to complain about this.

What I am struggling with today is: how do NONs get a small sense of justice? It feels very unfair to me that he threw out some of my belongings and wants to leave what's left of them by the garbage, it feels unfair that he has physically hurt me and has not been reported, it feels unfair that he's still using the things I purchased, it feels unfair that I had to pay a rent for a month in a house I couldn't live in because he was there.

How do I get a healthy sense of "revenge" ?
So far I have just taken the abuse and never hurt him back or held him accountable.

How to behave today?
Just take the stuff from my room and leave the pots and pans and coffee machine there?

Also, since mentioned that he wanted to leave what's left of my belongings (the stuff that was in his room) by the garbage ... at this point I don't want him to think he can humiliate me in such way... so I was thinking of leaving it there.
Going to the house to pick up the stuff from my room, leave the keys to the girl, pick the pots and pans (or not?) and leave the stuff by the garbage there...as I don't want him to have that sort of metaphorical image of me picking my stuff from garbage.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, i have read your posts and how he has been with you is unpleasant and has left you with painful feelings.

I say give him no ammunition to get back at you by taking other items that you can buy yourself, just collect the personal ones for you, however that is your choice and you have to accept the possible consequences of your choice.

Im not sure what your plans are towards him and i do get that you want him to hurt as much as you are and have been hurting, but i dont think hurtful revenge is healthy for anyone. The only healthy revenge i feel is to make you a better person and have a wonderful happy life. Without serious help, im not sure he will ever achieve that.

Just my thoughts.

[Ozzie101]

I agree with Supertrouper. "Healthy" and "revenge" are mutually exclusive. Wanting revenge is natural and human but actually seeking and getting it are not healthy. People who do get revenge more often than not find that they're still dissatisfied -- even more-so -- afterwards. There are sayings: Resentment is like letting someone live rent-free in your brain. It's like drinking poison and then sitting back to watch the other person die.

In short? It gets you nowhere.

The best "revenge" is moving on and living well.

[once removed]

some people say "living well is the best revenge". im not a big believer in that saying, myself, because it ties our outcome to another person.

in relationships, we do some good things, and some bad things. sometimes we do some really hurtful things. sometimes even worse than that.

when a relationship ends, its the end of those things.

it isnt though, necessarily, the end of our feelings; the good feelings, the longing, as well as the hurt and the pain. it is of course easier for the person that does the breaking up. the person on the receiving end of it has to reconcile their conflicting feelings. they have to grieve and to mourn. they have to heal their wounds. they have to heal their ego. its a tall order. in doing it, we become more resilient than before, more whole than before, more capable of making better choices, and even more capable of love than before.

you can leave the stuff by the trash though, if you want to 

[FreddyFo]

You are right - I don’t want to hurt him or take revenge - I would just love to see him held accountable for his wrongdoing.
I did not even have a chance to tell him that I think he misbehaved. So i feel that I got no closure - no sense of Justice and un-protected from his abuse.
I did not stand my ground against his bullying behaviour and to keep quiet for me as a woman and not tell him “ you don’t mess with me” makes me feel bad.
 
Anyway the best advice as you said is to move on and let him be. I will have to seek a sense of closure and justice in other ways... but it will be hard.

I will go to his place in an hour or so, I won’t take the things in common areas - I will just take the personal things in my room and leave the keys to the girl.

I am thinking of leaving the things by the garbage there.
Also I have officially blocked him everywhere.
So, on top of not giving him ammunition to complain for taking the pots etc... I won’t even receive any communication and that’s it.
Over.

I will keep you posted.

I have to admit that I feel agitated tho going back in that house, in the place where we lived all... I wonder how can I stay strong and not let the emotions get the best of me when there? Any tips?
As I said he will not be there - but all the memories will.

[FreddyFo]

I just came back - I feel as if I've been hit by a truck. My legs are weak and shaky... wow.
Anyway - the things he said he would leave out by the garbage were not there, not sure if he put them there and someone took them..or if he didn't put them out at all.
I walked to my room, took my stuff and walked out.
Before leaving I opened the kitchen counter to see if I could find my coffe machine, the only thing I wanted ...and instead I found some medications that I had never seen before.
Could these be medications that he is taking for Borderline treatment ?
He has always refused to think he has any illness ...and now after leaving me I see these 3 medications pop for the first time:
OMEGA 3 PILLS / COD LIVER OIL
COQ10
MAGNESIUM
Is any of you familiar with those?

Anyway - it was hard to walk in the house and out and lock it forever behind me.

[Ozzie101]

I'm sure that was difficult for you, FreddyFo. A lot of emotions are brought up with things like that. But good for you for being brave enough to do it.

As for the medications, as far as I know, those are just supplements. I don't know of any relation to BPD or other mental health issues but someone else can correct me if I'm wrong.

[SunandMoon]

Well done FreddyFo, you should be proud of the way you've handled this... shaky legs and all! 

As far as I know, they are all pretty common health supplements. I have omega 3 and magnesium in my house.

I know it's really sad and the way you have been treated is terrible. Now is the time to really take care of yourself and try not to think about him too much. Easier said than done, I know, but try to do things that will engage your mind and keep your mind off him - see friends, have a healing massage, a facial, a bit of retail therapy. Be kind to yourself.

When you can, write out a list of everything he has done and said to you (including the things you haven't shared here) and how that made you feel.

When you find yourself missing him and wanting to make contact, read your list instead. Be honest with yourself about the realities.

Wherever he's BPD, npd or just plain cruel; the label doesn't matter. Hopefully one day soon you'll be happy you dodged that bullet.