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Author Topic: Teen Daughter HELP  (Read 892 times)
Miserable Mom

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« on: March 20, 2019, 02:28:40 PM »

 New miserable mom here with 16 yo daughter. Not getting much help from any professionals, schools, doctors, law. Been in constant chaos for 6 months and now have a much better grasp of what I’m dealing with. Recent inpatient hospitalization for first time has left me ready to crash and burn. No one wants to call it what it is. Hell would be the correct term. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
wendydarling
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2019, 07:23:26 PM »

Hello Miserable Mom

Welcome  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)  You've landed in the very safest place ever for support as you navigate your way through, you are not alone.  

Excerpt
Not getting much help from any professionals, schools, doctors, law
What's not happening, can you share?

If I understand correctly your daughter's recent hospitalisation may be her first is truly shocking, was for me too.

Things can get better MM with the right support, do you have family, friends with you too  

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
StressedOutDaily
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2019, 09:17:54 PM »

Hi MM,
Just wanted to say you're not alone.  I too have a 16 yo daughter, life has been very, very difficult.  This site has given me lots of knowledge and hope.
SOD
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Turkish
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2019, 10:15:36 PM »

False allegations can certainly be hell... My BPD mother made one against me that was investigated and hinted at talking to CPS about my kids, I found out from a neighbor.

You mentioned those allegations in a reply to another member.  What is the nature of the allegations and is there an ongoing investigation?
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Mirsa
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« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2019, 08:58:07 PM »

Hi MM,

Just wanted to reach out and welcome you.  I hope you come back as you need to.  This is a great spot to get support and understanding.  My BPD DD17 was went to inpatient treatment three times in an 8-month period and then an out-patient program (reluctantly).  She was completely out of control and it was indeed hell.  It was absolutely traumatizing and I'm just now recuperating from it, about a year after the worst of it abated with her.  And I'm only recuperating bc she moved out (an absolute gift).   Please give us an update when you are able to,

Mirsa
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Miserable Mom

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« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2019, 02:30:09 PM »

Thank you to all of you fabulous people for your comments and support. DCFS investigation ongoing as they have 60 days to complete. I have not heard from them since she was interviewed inpatient before discharge from hospital. I take that as a good sign, as they also interviewed her case manager who I was able to give a good chunk of "evidence" to for a grasp of the reality of the whole picture. Charges are listed as dangerous environment/physical abuse and or neglect of a minor. Dangerous territory. The struggle with getting help from professionals continues. New therapist after discharge has met with her/me 3 sessions and has been ambushed. This used to cause me much distress and the need to defend myself with logic and justification. Today I am able to laugh a bit at how this "professional" was bamboozeled so quickly and completely. She attempted this same behavior inpatient against staff and was "caught" when I reported her allegations against them. I imagine this strengthened my "case" , as there are now others that have been targeted. A few weeks out from complete shell shock I am coming back stronger, with more information and a plan of action. The single greatest issue of disconnect with professionals across all scopes is the on-line presence and activity many kids are living in, an alternate reality that they have not witnessed and do not understand or have access to. She accesses wifi and a device at tech school and the school refuses to intervene. They have been made aware of constant drug use/sale in the bathroom of synthetic and  posted on-line, posting of test answers to classmates on snap chat during class and again, they are hostile and defensive. A pornographic photo hit her account during ongoing discussions with them and was intercepted by me and reported. I think they are beginning to listen. The struggle to keep her safe and in school part-time has been a constant issue. I am grateful for the support from this community. Thank you.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2019, 11:36:10 PM »

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing, MM. We are all with you.
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Mr. Dake

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« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2019, 04:48:16 AM »

MM,

My daughter is also 16.  We've been involved with the system.  In our situation, it was supportive.   Our daughter struggles, though somewhat differently than how your's does.  A piece that I can relate to is our daughter, at times, lies.  Numerous times, her lies have been accepted at face value.   I was sending her to school with lunch money and the cafeteria believed that we couldn't afford money for lunches and kept fronting her more money.  At these times, I'm surprised that my child is the only one in the school district who isn't always honest!     
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Mirsa
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« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2019, 07:26:44 AM »

Hi MM,

Replying to your note in a different thread about your DD being able to manipulate therapists:  My BPD DD has also been able to manipulate and bamboozle therapists.  As soon as a therapist really gets to know her, and calls her out on her behavior patterns, she drops that therapist and finds a new one.  She does this with all people in her life actually, thus she's in a constant series of short-term relationships, even friendships.  She likes the thrill and rush of getting to know someone and all the energy and sympathy they give her in those first couple of months.  While she's getting to know people and therapists, she tells them a false story...it usually includes a grain of truth, but the rest of it gets warped to fit the storyline/reality she wants to believe. 

One therapist a few years ago mentioned 'Attachment Disorder.'  I didn't pursue it too much, but I have noticed that people here mention that the BPD had colic as an infant.  This makes me wonder if that type of pain in the early months of life has an impact on their sense of safety and understanding of the world.  This therapist had an adopted daughter as well, who she said was never able to form a solid connection with her adoptive mother or siblings.  The therapist said she had Attachment Disorder.  So, maybe something to look into...

thinking of you,
Mirsa
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2019, 08:04:06 AM »

have noticed that people here mention that the BPD had colic as an infant.  This makes me wonder if that type of pain in the early months of life has an impact on their sense of safety and understanding of the world.  - excerpt

I have the same question. My BPD son 24 was a very intense and colicky baby. I couldn't breastfeed him because he couldn't hold still that long. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in Kindergarten. We gave him adderall and he turned into a brilliant student and seemed happy (although now he says he hated Adderal and was never happy so who knows?) He went off his meds in High School and started self medicating with weed and other drugs and generally went off the rails until he was diagnosed xBPD this year. So I think I can trace his problem back to infancy. I wonder if any formal research has been done in this area.
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Miserable Mom

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« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2019, 02:19:44 PM »

Thank you all for your continued support and feedback. I've spent hours this weekend on the Drama Triangle which has been very helpful therapy and understanding for me. These boards are a treasure chest of information. I applied it to the most recent triangle with the new therapist and then worked it with other times when she was able to control in triangle with me and dad. Very insightful and went over it with dad as a valuable tool moving forward. Last week I worked on a time line from birth to present to identify trauma and present an organized history to new psychiatrist who is allowing 2 one hour assessment appts vs the 10-15 minute model with initial psychiatrist. Who can gather a history and full grasp of presenting issues in 15 minutes? NO ONE. My daughter, my third of four, was a normal pregnancy, easiest birth and joyful infant stage.I nursed her until I became pregnant before her first birthday. I was a stay at home mom, married, happy and financially secure with an 8 year old daughter, and a four year old son at the time of her birth. My fourth pregnancy ended in my first miscarriage just prior to her first bday. It was traumatic for me and I believe that period may be somewhat significant in exploring attachment in important developmental state. Dad and I were part time home builders and we moved shortly after the trauma, with me becoming pregnant with forth child (fifth pregnancy) in less than 6 months after miscarriage. Birth of brother was the first of four children to be colic and wow everything I had every heard about that was true! We got through it fine. Dad is/was a high functioning alcoholic and my healing/boundaries/marital discord resulting in him abandoning the family 2 years later. This left me blind sided, never saw it coming and has had life altering changes for myself and the four children, who were ages 2, 4, 8 and 12 at the time of abandonment. Daughter with BPD traits was the first of the four to have immediate external issues, severe separation anxiety, panic attacks and dreams/fears mother was going to leave. Research has pointed to this period as lack of "object constancy" being established and absolutely abandonment issues. I myself was a mess at the time and sought family therapy for self/children al-anon and was treated for depression. This allowed me to get up off the floor, stop crying and make decisions to move forward. No one has asked for history at this point. Dad stayed away, refused treatment and four grandparents died during divorce process. I relocated out of state to begin anew, attend graduate school and to be honest, protect them from the daily chaos of active alcoholism/being raised in a bar. Daughter got over her anxiety/panic attacks at a young age and excelled at cheerleading/school/soccer. Dad visited several weekends a year for the first few years and began coming more often as they got older. So, for me the CD dx and the now DMDD diagnosis don't fit her history at all. There was nothing there prior to freshman year at highschool. Bullying began, she was ostracized by long held friend group and began hanging with delinquent friends and poor school performance. I now know she had first self-reported sexual contact at 14 and drug use began (marijuana). Summer between freshman and sophmore year things escalated and she had her first rage incident while visiting dad for summer vacation, also first time I caught her gone out of her bedroom window. I was recovering from shingles and awaiting housing/placement of older 2 kids plans and Dad and I made the decision to relocate us back to Dads location for parental support/financial support once older two were settled at college, so mom could rest and focus on issues with escalating daughter and his wanting to have an active role in the life of the remaining two children. Daughter was defiant on the move, making threats and we believed she would accept, adjust with two parents. This is when hell broke wide open, yet we did not know until several months later with first police involvement and suspension from school and the first sexual/committed relationship break-up that we were unaware of. We as parents believed at that time she was pushing "teenage limits" and began to impose boundaries, limit access to money/phone controls and stop allowing her to play us against each other. It was her inability to process the break-up with boyfriend that sent her spiraling out of control the next 9 months, taking on a different identity on-line, engaging in traumatizing high risk behaviors, sneaking out without our knowledge from both locations and rapid escalation in type of drug use/daily use. It was not until the police contact for allegations that she threatened the girl friend of the ex-boyfriend and then allegations that she threatened the ex-boyfriend did we know the full story of what we were dealing with. Interception of her social media presence revealed a truly shocking and un-believable reality of the path of self destruction she had been living. How she was able to do this for so long without me having any clue disturbed me to my core. The level of manipulation, lies, deception, the sense of betrayal, trauma and bewilderment still takes my breath away. This is when I knew something was very seriously wrong, something deep inside her core/self and I switched from mom angry, punishing, accusing to mom fighting for her survival, safety, understanding, research and it led me to BPD. I had never heard of it prior to our experiences. I requested neurological testing/brain scan at last appointment and doc said "for what". Sigh... tons of research out there on the brain/BPD/emotions. The why is not as important to me as the how do we help her is. We can't help her without a dx closest to accurate as we can. The path I have walked with the dx part, professionals want to treat the symptoms/behaviors rather than the function of the behaviors being a far deeper issue that must be dealt with if the emotions/behaviors are going to come under her control. Medication did stabilize her initially, or so we thought, and sexual contact with the abusive ex-boyfriend sent her right back out of control, this time the impulsivity behaviors to escape were nearly fatal. So, I don't see the current medication as a solution. I believe as parents, we did the best we could at the time with what we knew, so revisiting childhood is helpful if you are able to do it without guilt and blame. It is certainly a piece in the puzzle.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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