Recycle, and I'm dead, again.

[loyalwife]

Just when I thought things were smooth.
It didn't take much. The past few weeks have been tense for my pwBPD. I'd maneuvered most of the murky waters, and low and behold, wham. Out of nowhere came the anger. It was brought on by my wanting to confide in him, and ask for support on doing the right thing, for us. When I shared, that it meant a decision between (going in and cleaning up my credit report, or him cosigning), which led to him saying that he would kick me out of the house if he was to lose the house etc. to me not paying my student loans back. I told him that I never would even think of such a thing, but suddenly he believed his own mis thinking and has painted me black.

Right now, he's sleeping on the floor, (cement) and has not had any dinner. I feel so remorseful and cannot say why, because I haven't done anything. The thought of living like this when I am 80 is scary as I don't think it will ever change. Either, I resort to a life lived in which 50% of the time my husband loves me or 50% of the time he doesn't. I cannot believe he loves me when he treats me like this. But like so many SO of BPD's, when it is good it is very, very good, but when it is bad it is horrid.

I can't change things for him. I try to be the sensitive, caring, loving mate, but when it takes only a small wind to blow it all down, you do feel devastated and ready to give up. 

I have to say, that BPD is a horrible mental health disease that prevents the one that has it, from having a full beautiful life, as well as those that love them.

[Cat Familiar]

You believed you could trust him to help you determine a financial strategy and then came threats, catastrophizing, and him suggesting you violate your principles. It was a real blow because you two were getting along great.

He's behaving dramatically (sleeping on the floor and not eating dinner) and this has triggered your Fear Obligation and Guilt. You imagine the future and it frightens you to think that you might be dealing with similar behavior when you're old.

What to do? What do you think about settling for half of the time having a loving relationship and half the time having chaos and anger directed at you?

It's so difficult.   

[loyalwife]

When I woke up today, nothing had changed, physically. (of course, my husband had barricaded himself in his officeI did the morning routines, ie. fed the dog, made a cup of coffee; the change is in the atmosphere of feelings: his. The huge change is in how I feel, and I don't have to own his feelings. I've been working on this, so it still seems a bit awkward, as a caregiver type of person that I am. It's like when a child is sad, and feels the whole world is against them. As an adult, you know it isn't true, but you console the child as they cannot process these feelings. So similar with a pwBPD, except, that unlike a child, they hold onto the feeling as truth.

Twice yesterday, he threatened suicide, again. He said he would walk in front of a semi truck and this would all be over. I didn't react as I used to. I can't stop him from his talk, and he doesn't want help. My therapist said that the more descriptive the threat, the more dangerous. He says, "I'm going to", and not "I'm thinking of". He's never threatened my life (my son's he has), but always lets me know that he holds the power to push me out the door, with the clothes on my back and nothing to my name.

Cat Familiar:

What to do? What do you think about settling for half of the time having a loving relationship and half the time having chaos and anger directed at you?

The good times is what keeps me here, but the chaos has changed how I feel. In the terms 50/50, that means half of my life from this day forward will be alone. The other half, with someone I love, but is damaged.

So, today begins my time without him. Instead of thinking that he has pushed me away, I will see this as my choice to stay away and not get sucked into the drama. He has described the feeling of going under anesthesia, right before he goes into a rage, and that he loses control to stop it. And then he's gone. Judging from the past, it will last around 3 days. Two nights, and one day. By Monday, he will be okay. Or not. He may decide that this is the last straw and seek a divorce. His choice, and I won't fight it. He will have all kinds of reasons. Recently one of his friends that was visiting from out of town said to me "We all know that (your husband) is crazy". Not once but he said this twice, and I just agreed. Just before this episode, he was with holding sexually from me. I wasn't sure why, but when I pressed him and finally asked, he said "You just proved that you are still attracted to me". A game. That is how he sees life, and it doesn't matter how you feel, it's his feelings that matter.

Monday will come and when it does, he will act as though everything is fine again, or perhaps ask me not to be a brat anymore. We will go to coffee together, go for a drive and once again hold hands. The day will involve taking packages to FedEx, perhaps a walk along the river and at the end of the day relaxing. It will take me a few days to feel the fog has left (FOG), and safe to let the guards down. He will tell me that he loves me and that even when he is mad. And I believe him, because he goes away and this monster takes his place. How long will this last though? In the back of my head after a few weeks, a month, I start to get ready for the 'next time'.

As I was leaving the therapist the other day, after saying that I thought he might be better off without me, she said "I'm not so sure about he would be, but what does matter is whether you would be happier". That stuck with me, as the whole session we talked about safety and how his thoughts had become more and more dangerously descriptive.

I try hard not to live in the past, even yesterday. Sitting here in my room, I think of how it will be when I'm old, and my husband won't talk to me. What if I am disabled, and unable to walk? Or, he is disabled and angry? I'd always dreamed of the golden years, lived with someone that I love and loves me.  This is the reality of the 50/50 dilemma. This will be the outcome. I will not die alone, I've a loving son and daughter that I know will be there for me, as I have for them. My husband is not as fortunate, as he has managed to drive anyone and everyone from his life, except me. I feel as though God has a plan for us all, especially those that hurt the most.

[Cat Familiar]

The huge change is in how I feel, and I don't have to own his feelings. I've been working on this, so it still seems a bit awkward, as a caregiver type of person that I am.

  Yes, you can let him have his feelings and you have your own feelings. You are not responsible for his feelings.

Twice yesterday, he threatened suicide, again. He said he would walk in front of a semi truck and this would all be over. I didn't react as I used to. I can't stop him from his talk, and he doesn't want help. My therapist said that the more descriptive the threat, the more dangerous. He says, "I'm going to", and not "I'm thinking of". He's never threatened my life (my son's he has), but always lets me know that he holds the power to push me out the door, with the clothes on my back and nothing to my name.

If you are legally married, the second threat is hollow. Have you a strategy to respond to the suicide threats?

The good times is what keeps me here, but the chaos has changed how I feel. In the terms 50/50, that means half of my life from this day forward will be alone. The other half, with someone I love, but is damaged.

It's hard to come to terms with accepting that our loved one is damaged and is unlikely to ever change.   

That is how he sees life, and it doesn't matter how you feel, it's his feelings that matter.

That's one of the most vexing issues for me when my husband expects me to be so ultra-sensitive to his feelings but couldn't give a flying you-know-what about mine.

As I was leaving the therapist the other day, after saying that I thought he might be better off without me, she said "I'm not so sure about he would be, but what does matter is whether you would be happier".

That's a very real consideration. Living with a pwBPD is a heavy burden, even if one's spouse only has a few traits of BPD. When suicide threats and silent treatment come into play, it can be very hard for the non partner to tolerate this for a lifetime.

[loyalwife]

If you are legally married, the second threat is hollow. Have you a strategy to respond to the suicide threats?

I just finished with a sit down talk with him. He said I needed to make plans of life without him being in it. My response was "Let's get this over with and talk about it now. Why put it off?". I think he was hoping that I said that I wanted a divorce, a lover or ?, but instead I started off saying that I loved him. His response was "this isn't a Disney movie". When questioned about the 'threats' of either leaving me, or suicide, he said that he was not going to make it and that he felt he was going to die. Granted he has not had any food in 24 hours or anything liquid to drink. He hasn't any compassion for anyone, including himself. Listening and validating but setting boundaries was hard, especially when he is in the throws of his BPD rage. So this is what I have come up with;
 his suicide threats (walking in front of a bus) mean he doesn't want to be here. Not just here with me, but with life. I have the hotline etc. that I utilized in the past, but his current episode doesn't seem as though he is having a critical melt down. He has though broken down with cold sores on his lips (Herpes) and blames me, of course.

As I sat in front of him today (his eyes darting and big typical of the rage) I mentioned that he wasn't able to bond with his child as I did with mine. He agreed. I also reminded him that he wasn't bonded to his parents, and more than likely they weren't to theirs. He agreed. I seldom mention God to him, as he feels that God is too busy with 'important' things than to think of him. I told him that if God gave me one miracle, and it could be anything, I would choose that he had peace. It's not me, nor his ex wife, nor his daughter, nor my son, or his job or the lack of money. It is the disconnect and lack of bonding, and this is where BPD does become spiritual problem.

I used to think that if I tried harder, was more loving and poured out unconditional love to him, then he would change. He said I was like all the other women in his life, that it starts out good, but then turns out bad. I've been painted black, and perhaps that is the way I will remain. Forever.

Part of me wants to just pack up my things and leave. Responding like that never has been productive and usually I regret not thinking it through. So, I will wait it through. Give him the space he needs and accept that there is nothing I can do at this point in time to turn this around, including being responsible for his feelings of suicide and wanting to be 'out of here'.

Cat Familiar what does it mean that the second threat is hollow? Do you mean that the second time he is just making threats ? If that is the case then the hundreds of threats in the past were meant to hurt me and there is little if any reality to the danger. I don't take any of them seriously anymore. Although my therapist has said that when they start having detail to beware. (He talked about killing my son a few months ago, and was explicit. He continues to spew hatred about him, but said he doesn't want to go to jail.)

Wish this just was much less painful.

 

[Cat Familiar]

To answer your question first, what I mean by a "hollow threat" is that, if you're living in the US or other countries with similar laws, he cannot legally leave you penniless and homeless if the two of you are married.

In addition to being dysregulated, having no food or water for 24 hours is also contributing to his emotional state. Not the best time for him to be thinking clearly. Also fasting can exacerbate herpes.

It's exceedingly frightening that he's talking about murder and suicide.

In all of what you've recounted here, there's little mention of what you're feeling. You seem to be more focused upon what he's feeling. I'm glad you have a therapist and I hope she continues to get you to focus upon your own wants and needs.

[loyalwife]

Thank you for clarifying. In his 'head', because he holds the financial, everything in his name card, that I am 'penniless'. This doesn't scare me, but makes me feel like a piece of trash.

You're right about not addressing how I am feeling. It's so frustrating to know that there isn't anything within my power to change this. He's walled up and recluse, like a poisonous spider, waiting for a victim.  Wanting to hurt someone as much as he is hurting.

Many of my friends/family haven't any idea how frightened I am of the situation. I've gotten quite good at covering up my feelings around others. A few years ago, I shared everything going on when he left me and filed for a divorce. Since then few of my friends ever call, and if I do it is never about my husband. They all take the same stance, that this is not okay. Instead of getting advice to leave, I've just stopped sharing or caring about my own feelings. I'll make sure I talk to my therapist about this. I do appreciate the candor.

[AskingWhy]

Thank you for clarifying. In his 'head', because he holds the financial, everything in his name card, that I am 'penniless'. This doesn't scare me, but makes me feel like a piece of trash.

I visited an attorney some time ago when uBPD H started making divorce threats.  I wanted to know my rights in the event he went all the way to devalue me and leave.

It was comforting to know I did have rights and he could not leave me with nothing.  Yes, uBPD spouses have a way of chipping away at out self esteem.  You know, of course, that your H is entirely in the wrong.

[Perdita]

Many of my friends/family haven't any idea how frightened I am of the situation. I've gotten quite good at covering up my feelings around others. A few years ago, I shared everything going on when he left me and filed for a divorce. Since then few of my friends ever call, and if I do it is never about my husband. They all take the same stance, that this is not okay. Instead of getting advice to leave, I've just stopped sharing or caring about my own feelings. I'll make sure I talk to my therapist about this. I do appreciate the candor.

That's the way it goes. Friends withdraw. The ones that don't, oversimplify the relationship by saying "just leave".  In the end there is no one to talk to.  Hello, isolation.  :-(

[ortac77]

That Perdita is of course the risk. I no longer expect my friends or family to understand, they can't and I have to accept that but I will not isolate from them I just attend any gatherings on my own and nobody questions it anymore. I am equally sure that they think I am insane staying with my pwBPD, and at times maybe I am?

These relationships are difficult, I know that I too worry as I get older - I think I know that he will not be there for me, its not a 50:50 relationship. I dread retirement even though I have hobbies, it is the normality of work that keeps me from getting depressed.

Why do we stay, today I really don't know, I think after hoping I have come to realise he is not going to get better and as I get older this just gets more difficult. Wish I had the answer

[loyalwife]

The stress is over the top today. He's in a full blown episode, throwing trash cans and talking about suicide. I'm way out of the way. He keeps blaming the same old thing on all his problems and it's so f@%^&*ing wrong. I will not accept his drama anymore.

Why do we stay, today I really don't know, I think after hoping I have come to realise he is not going to get better and as I get older this just gets more difficult. Wish I had the answer

We stay because we hold onto those brief moments in time where we feel loved. We stay because deep in our hearts we know that our loved one has suffered trauma and abuse, and this is the way they have learned to handle stress. What we do have, that they don't have is the ability to see through this and not let it 'own' our day, while they continue to suffer the pain and anguish over and over again. We can let go. They can't. Being stuck in the mud is just that.

Years ago, I was sent to DBT by my therapist, not that she thought I was Borderline, but because she knew that the sexual abuse that I'd suffered as a child was preventing me from going forward in life. The lotus flower is the symbol used, "Being stuck in the mud, but flowering". So, along with our pwBPD, we are stuck, it's our ability to bloom that changes all this.

Today is the first day I can remember feeling anger in a long time.  Normally, I repress it, and want everything to be peaceful. Not today. We all have a right to our feelings and today I'm mad. Anger can be a catalyst for change, and without change we are doomed to being treated without respect forever.

So, the only one responsible for our lives, are ourselves. My husband can sleep on the cement, go without food and water and literally 'kill' himself, but that is his own doing. He's miserable because he will not forgive the past, and in not forgiving, he is suffering the past continually.  For me, I'm going on a long walk with my beloved old dog, take a shower, do some yoga, and breathe. That is the only way through  this my dear.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s good that you’re owning what is yours and not owning what is his. You understand that he has choice to behave the way he does and you have choice not to like it. You sound very clear.

Your old dog is your pal, who has seen you through a lot of life. Animals often are much more understanding and compassionate than some of our human companions.

[ortac77]

We stay because we hold onto those brief moments in time where we feel loved. We stay because deep in our hearts we know that our loved one has suffered trauma and abuse, and this is the way they have learned to handle stress. What we do have, that they don't have is the ability to see through this and not let it 'own' our day, while they continue to suffer the pain and anguish over and over again. We can let go. They can't. Being stuck in the mud is just that.

Today is the first day I can remember feeling anger in a long time.  Normally, I repress it, and want everything to be peaceful. Not today. We all have a right to our feelings and today I'm mad. Anger can be a catalyst for change, and without change we are doomed to being treated without respect forever.

So, the only one responsible for our lives, are ourselves. My husband can sleep on the cement, go without food and water and literally 'kill' himself, but that is his own doing. He's miserable because he will not forgive the past, and in not forgiving, he is suffering the past continually.  For me, I'm going on a long walk with my beloved old dog, take a shower, do some yoga, and breathe. That is the only way through  this my dear.

Yes that sums it up pretty well, when I step back I know that he is suffering and that these behaviours are just a maladapted coping mechanism and yes we do have the ability to let it go. I too tend to suppress my feelings to maintain the 'peace' - but we do have a right to our feelings and anger can be healthy, few outside of this illness could comprehend what it is like to live with for both the sufferer and also their partners.

Enjoy the walk and the companionship of your dog, I too had a bad day yesterday and found a long walk by the river calmed my nerves no end, I need that to deal with the hurt and anger - I know that I keep getting caught in the FOG!

[Perdita]

I too tend to suppress my feelings to maintain the 'peace' - but we do have a right to our feelings and anger can be healthy, few outside of this illness could comprehend what it is like to live with for both the sufferer and also their partners.

We all know about the emotional and psychological consequences, I can't help but wonder sometimes what it does to our physical health when we constantly suppress our feelings to keep the peace.  Not only that, but more and more I find myself not even wanting to share things that happened that made me happy out of fear that he will just ignore me or respond with a casual "that's nice".  So I keep a lot of my feelings - both positive and negative - to myself.

[ortac77]

We all know about the emotional and psychological consequences, I can't help but wonder sometimes what it does to our physical health when we constantly suppress our feelings to keep the peace.  Not only that, but more and more I find myself not even wanting to share things that happened that made me happy out of fear that he will just ignore me or respond with a casual "that's nice".  So I keep a lot of my feelings - both positive and negative - to myself.

Emotionally I know how much I have needed therapy to help me through my feelings, I often wonder to what extent some of the health problems I have experienced recently have been caused or exacerbated by dealing with this?

Yes I know what you mean about sharing experiences or feelings. Its sad that we have to keep so much of that from our partners but I have learnt from experience how it can be used against me therefore I have to utilise other outlets friends etc,

[loyalwife]

Yes I know what you mean about sharing experiences or feelings. Its sad that we have to keep so much of that from our partners but I have learnt from experience how it can be used against me therefore I have to utilise other outlets friends etc,

This morning, we went to a storage unit to put some things away, we drove home (45 min.), when he got home, he panicked that he had forgotten to close the unit door. He blamed it on me for 'talking' to him. When we got back to the unit (45 min.), the door was closed and locked. Again, I was to blame for being on my phone and not noticing that the door was closed. We started back home, and his mechanic (12 BMW's that he owns) called and needed him to pay for repairs and pick up a car. I drove with him to the shop, (30 min.) so I could drive a car back. Now, the yoga that we had started to do together was delayed, again. I sat in my office, until he got a package and was all excited that he had new wheels and couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. He kept pressing, and pressing and finally I said, "I've been waiting to do yoga, and it keeps getting put off". He got mad, said that he always has to do things he doesn't want to do (new to me, because he had been getting benefits from the practice). Half way into the video, he stopped and said he couldn't do it, and wasn't into it, that he didn't want to talk to me. There is nothing, I can say or do to change this. If I don't share what I am feeling, he makes it up in his head. When I share, regardless he gets mad and puts me in the box of "everyone" makes me do what I don't want to do (like a baby).  I finished the yoga, for me because  I am as important as he is in the grand scheme of things, and his pull away is far from reasonable. I heard him say under his breath that he's "so tired of this". I want so badly just to say, then why not just be alone the rest of your life, so you don't have to deal with anyone but yourself. But if I did, all hell would break out and there would be gnashing of teeth (drama). I can't help but think that is where he is comfortable. So, you're wrong if you do, you're wrong if you don't. It doesn't matter if you share or don't share because eventually they will find a reason to withdraw. It's just like a reflex in a muscle. Admittedly though, I can never be quite prepared for his outbursts. It seems as though when you least expect it, they blow. For the first time in a long time, I am beginning to feel discouraged at my ability to continue to be just a spectator and not a participate in life with my pwBPD. It can be a lonely place, but thank God I can come here to feel accepted.

[loyalwife]

After a few hours of 'quiet', he finally came into the house to tell me that he figured out why he is so suicidal. Long pause... He believes that his medication Acyclovir is the problem, and that in the last 3 years since he began it, these thoughts have been in his head. Heres the clinch; he doesn't want to stop taking it as it settles down his Herpes on his lip. Once again it's a catch22. He refuses to take antidepressants because it can  him not to hear as well , and now he the medication he does take causes suicidal thoughts. His last comment was "let's hope that there aren't any interruptions tomorrow so I can work." Once again, I'm to blame (but that's not true). I want so badly to tell him if he doesn't address the suicidal thoughts, I'm out of here.  It's much easier to blame a medication or someone else, and not take responsibility.

[Cat Familiar]

How do you suppose he would address the suicidal thoughts? Is there any possibility he would see a therapist for his depression?

[loyalwife]

I mentioned DBT.  At this point it is the only hope.  He said he would tell his doctor about his thoughts of suicide. Coupled with BPD, it’s as if he has a death sentence . The hope is that his doctor will ‘get’ it.  We signed HIPPA documents that allow each other access to each other’s medical information etc. should I send a confidential note to the doctor to state how this drug has efffected his life (not anything about BPD) ?   Trying to prevent a crisis and something tells me that this is serious and could get worse.. I’m concerned for his life, my life, and others. He’s not only talked of suicide.

[Cat Familiar]

Absolutely I would contact the doctor. You might even want to schedule an appointment and do it in person. And though perhaps it’s wise not to mention BPD, I think mentioning the traits you observe would help give his doctor a better overview.

I spoke to my husband’s physician about his combining pharmaceuticals she prescribed for him with excessive drinking. I also called his psychologist and told him that I suspected BPD and mentioned which traits I had observed.
Both thanked me for telling them.

[loyalwife]

Absolutely I would contact the doctor

I tried We belong to Kaiser, and it's impossible to contact a provider via email unless they are your provider. I will try to make an appointment with his doctor, and will see how it goes. This being said, things did get incredibly worse today.

He again threatened suicide but mentioned that he would go about it in a big way so that everyone would know. I sat there staring at him, as I know what that means. Out of the blue, he said that he had been miserable for our entire married life, and wants out. He took off his wedding ring, emptied the wallet  gave him for Christmas, gave it back and said "it's over", I want a divorce. Things escalated and he threatened to hit me with a board, and I left the house. I called the suicide prevention line and also a crisis line. Both believed that my life to be in danger. I explained that he was BPD, but they said that I needed to keep safe, which for me tonight means, a can of mace, my cell phone and bible.I sat down with him for a conversation at one point to figure things out and asked him for some time to think about this as it was too emotional. He has changed the locks on his studio as he is now paranoid of me. A few years ago, he had an episode this bad and I ended up with a restraining order and a huge mess. Back then, I was unwilling to back away and continued to plea and cry with him not to leave. The harder I pushed the further away he went. Today his biggest concerned was how much it was going to cost him to 'get rid' of me. I've kept my cool, not pushing his buttons, and distancing. I'm numb, scared and quiet honestly unsure of this person that looks like my husband, but is acting like a madman.

He played a mean game with me today, and it proved to me just how callous and manipulating he can be. He accused me of taking his watch, and hawking it. He also said that he would call the police and say that the car that my son drives was stolen.  None of which was true. He must have hidden his watch, or found it. I truly feel as though I am losing it. I know he is crazy, but I doubt my own sanity for staying.

That being said, this time is different, for me. I know that there isn't anything I did or say that caused him to go berserk. If he doesn't want to be married anymore to me, then he must go. I don't think anyone would fault me for that decision. But he won't go to a hotel. He runs through the house, sees me and brushes me aside, as if I am garbage. I told him that I wouldn't stand in the way of his departure, and loved him enough to let him go. I also let him know that this was his decision and desire, not mine. I don't want a divorce, but then there is usually one side of the equation that feels that way, I'm not unique.

But as everyone in my life knows all too well, this will pass and he will blame it on the medication, the lack of sleep or work load and will act as though nothing is wrong. He is the one that took off the ring. He knows what will hurt me, and that is what he uses. I'm numb tonight. Sorry for the long lingering passage. I so want to fix this, but it is far out of my reach.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so sorry about what you're going through.   

It's good that you called the suicide line and a crisis line and it's wise that you didn't try and talk with him for long while he's in this state.

How are things this morning?

[loyalwife]

It's good that you called the suicide line and a crisis line and it's wise that you didn't try and talk with him for long while he's in this state.

I went to sleep last night with all my clothes on, mace by my side. He started stampeding through the house this morning, yelling (at the top of his lungs) about a key to his office (he changed the locks, and needed the bottom lock key for some reason). He thinks I am going to destroy or sell his 'things'. I got out of bed, as he threatened to take my office apart bit by bit until he found it. I got the key for him, and then let him know that he needed fear me, as I honored his things, and would never want to hurt him.  I loved him enough to let him go. He said he would help me as long as I didn't make it hard for him. Not sure what that means, but there is nothing in me to fight back, anymore.

I was on FaceTime with my daughter when he came in about half an hour later, saying he was going to the hardware store, and would get me a coffee. He then said "I'm really going to miss you, just wish we could have made this work". I just put my head in my hands and shook my head. That is crazy talk, and again, why is he being nice? I'm suspect because he's either coming out of his phase or he is baiting me. Either way, it is manipulation.

In times past (push/pull, leave/comeback) I've been emotional and reactive. This time it is different, I just want peace. He may come back with a coffee and remorseful, or he may come back with plans to get 'rid' of me. I'm not comfortable, and know this feeling is coming from my higher self, who wants to protect me, when I don't always do a good job of it.

As far as 'this not working out', I don't see any effort he has made or considered to change his position on forgiving the past. Yes, I love him, damn. The only way I would ever even think about being with him is if he truly wanted to make it work, and sought help. Not just any therapist but someone that can give him some tools to deal with his BPD. Without that he is doomed to repeat his rages, repeat falling in and out of love, and missing out on the best that life has to offer. He will never find it in things, women or locations (beach), it's an inside job that needs to be taken care of first.  He's at the hardware store right now. As he chooses the tool he needs, I wished he'd see that in his life he's missing some too.

So, we shall see what he has 'up' his sleeve when he comes home. I know I'm not begging him, nor changing my position. If I love him, I'll let him go. If he loves me, he will look for a change.

[Cat Familiar]

You sound clear and thoughtful about your role and how his patterns repeat in predictable ways. How are you feeling?

[loyalwife]

I am feeling much different than any other 'time'. I made a decision to go forward and take advice to not push him away. I wasn't mushy, emotional or apologetic. I listened to a video by Shari Schreiber M.A., about "Quit rewarding bad behavior", and was ready to leave if needed. This was one of the most draining days I can remember in a long time. I felt depleted emotionally and somewhat sick. Instead of trying to pull him back, I distanced. It seems to have much better results. I still feel raw, unsure and a little distrusting of him (after he changed locks etc.), but figure it was just his way of control and keeping me in fear. He continues to say mean nasty things about my son, and laughs it off. This hurts me so much. I have decided that this is a boundary I need to set, or it will continue. I have also decided that if he ever talks of harming my son, I will need to do the hard action and leave. I will get this off my chest so he knows the gig is up, and it's not okay or funny. It is harmful, hurtful and downright mean.

[Cat Familiar]

You are participating in a different way in his push/pull behavior and it's yielding different results. 

How are you planning on setting a boundary about him speaking unkindly about your son?

[Baglady]

Dearest Loyalwife,

The ever reliable and wonderful Cat is giving you some great advice and support.  I just wanted to give you a virtual hug  

Your description of your current experience with your H is giving me flashbacks to the end of my two decade long marriage.  I experienced the exact same raging, paranoia, blaming, gas lighting etc.  (minus the suicidal threats) from my ex culminating in an act of domestic violence toward me.  There was no coming back after that incident and I've been divorced a year.  I'm still traumatized by the whole incident, it was exceptionally harrowing and my heart goes out to you.

I'm not sure how things will fall out for you and I really wish the best for you in terms of what you would like to see happen in your r/s.  I'm not going to B.S. you, the divorce and aftermath has been really, really tough for me but I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place, continuing with my marriage would have been incredibly difficult too.  There was no good/easy way out of the entire situation.  I know I'm in a better place now, not where I wanted to be but at least I have a large measure of peace and I'm slowing building myself back up and gaining back my severely depleted self-confidence.

Know that you are strong and supported here!  Keep checking in.  We get it.  Hang tough and take care of yourself    
Warmly,
B

[loyalwife]

Thank you Baglady for your kind support. I am sorry to hear that your ex was physically violent with you. The abuse can escalate, and from what I understand it starts with the throwing etc. When my husband picked up the piece wood to hit me, I knew that it was at a dangerous point. I admire you for making that the last time. So many don't, until it is too late. I love my husband, even in his craziness but keep thinking of what the therapist said when she told me that my lack of safety for myself concerned her.

How are you planning on setting a boundary about him speaking unkindly about your son?

I haven't talked about it, yet. Today he gave me an old leather jacket of his to give to my son. I didn't question it, and when I gave it to my son, he said "J. gave me this? Tell him thank you". I'm not sure if it is guilt or a way to confuse the situation, but I'm not second guessing it. When I do talk to him about the boundary, it will be "when you say that you want to harm my son, it hurts me, and is not okay. I won't tolerate this kind of talk from you or anyone."
 
You're right Cat Familiar when I reversed the push/pull, it has changed the results. Even after he has 'come back', I am staying aloof. I also spoke in a much firmer voice than usual (I'm weak in the voice department) and said "I need a key to the studio, since you changed the locks. Let's just say this is a trust exercise". He yielded, and produced the keys. I gave him back his wallet and ring. I let him know that the game was over, and the next time that he took off his ring (which he has numerous times), it would be the last.  I'm not good with these ultimatums. A therapist once said that you never use them in a relationship. I agree in normal situations, but with someone with BPD, it is different.  
Thank you.

[Cat Familiar]

Isn't it amazing how when you change your behavior, they respond differently? Good job being strong and assertive. 

[loyalwife]

I'm feeling sick tonight, physically and emotionally. This week has been stressful for my husband, with work, finances etc. He is leaving tomorrow for a trade show, and usually this means a bit of a meltdown. I let him have his space today, to rant and rave, and at dinner time we went out. I could tell his was on that verge, but not giving him any ammo made me feel as if we had a chance to have a calm departure. On the way home, he past a cop and said "I'm caught, I was going over the limit". I have stopped monitoring his driving unless the speed is exuberant. He got a ticket a few months ago, and with 12 cars, well the insurance will go up. Rather than react in such a way that you'd expect an adult to react, he said some mean things to the cop, uncalled for, "You don't have to give me the ticket but you did. You don't care". We went home (he sped some of the way). What scared me was that when he exited the car he slammed the door so hard it almost broke. I was trembling. He went inside, and said "'I'll drive myself to the airport." Proceeded to lay down on couch (it was only 8 pm). I calmly went to take a bath, and when I was out, he was gone to the studio. There is not a bed etc. in there and he has to sleep on the cement floor. I texted him to ask why he had moved and he told me he hated everything, including me. This is so crazy. I didn't do anything. Is this how he always feels about me? He then said he wanted a gun to kill himself, and that he hoped the plane went down in flames tomorrow. I asked him how he would feel if I said that, and there wasn't a response. Sometimes he doesn't seem human.

I'm getting better at the disconnect, and not begging etc. But this makes me think that every time something is stressful or doesn't go his way, he will be suicidal. It is absolutely rubbish. My 20 something year old children are more mature than he is. And he does this to punish me  For what? I just don't get it. If there is something that I am missing please tell me. The triggers for this man are everywhere. The other night he asked me why I didn't wear nice lingerie for him anymore. OMG. He's not creating a romantic mood.

I feel sorry for him, but he's killing me slowly. Just really needed to vent this tonight. He will go away for four days, and come home as though there is nothing wrong or his reaction to his ticket justifiable. If he were two, maybe, but not at 60.