skysidmom
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 2
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« on: March 23, 2019, 06:24:13 PM » |
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Hello everyone-
This is my first post. I've been reading and reading and have gained so much valuable information-more than any book could possibly begin to cover because there is no experience like first-hand experience. So, thank you to each and every one of you.
My 19 year old daughter was just diagnosed with BPD, a diagnosis that totally makes sense and explains so much about her childhood and current condition. I frankly think she's had this illness her entire life. The signs were there. I just didn't know it at the time. First, let me say that she was adopted at birth. In fact, I was there for her delivery. We brought her home from the hospital. Second, she had verbally abusive dad who threatened to leave all the time. He also said horrible things to her as she was growing up, like "I wish I never adopted you." Third, she was bullied so much in school for being overweight that she became homeschooled her sophomore year in high school. Friendships have always been a struggle for her. She suffers not only from depression, but from social anxiety as well. Starting at about 8 years of age, she got her first therapy, and did well. That is about the same time period that I divorced her dad for having an affair. When she became home schooled, her life took a dramatic turn for what seemed to be wonderful. She lost weight, got her horse, worked out, and even entered a relationship with her first boyfriend. Things really seemed to be good for her. In hindsight, it was the calm before the storm.
With her first boyfriend came all the drama and inability to cope with mature relationships. At the time, I though she was just like any 16 year old dealing with boys and boyfriend. Then, I realized it to be so much more. Her relationships with young men have been roller coasters. Love them. Hate them. Can't lose them. They're mean. They're dumb. Etc...One in particular really warped her train of thought. He was a liar and manipulator of epic proportions. Seriously, like something from Dateline, 20/20 or 48 Hours. After him, she literally became a basket case of emotions. That did not keep her from having young men in her life. She had plenty. She met one in particular and he stayed around for over 2 years. Their entire relationship together was hot and cold, and during the cold times, she'd totally lose it. Cry. Cut. Threaten to kill herself. Beg for him to stay. Have temper tantrums. You name it. And, inevitablly, they'd work it out. It was a series of roller coaster rides over and over again. Finally, they both decided it wasn't good anymore, and decided to mutually end the relationship. And, of course, because she cannot be alone, she had a new boyfriend before the old one was even out of the picture permanently.
That brings us to now. New boyfriend, although a totally different personality, has ridden the roller coaster as well. He cannot seem to satisfy her fears of abandonment. The same behaviors are being repeated. Crying. Cutting. Threatening to commit suicide. Acting like a toddler, etc...He called the police one night and she was Baker Acted (totally useless for helping in any sort of way- only there from a Wed. to a Friday). Ironically, her BPD diagnosis came 2 weeks prior to the hospital stay. The hospital literally let her go with little advice or restrictions. I never spoke with anyone regarding future plans. Her paperwork was vague and meaningless. We have made some changes ourselves, with the help of her psychiatrist (the one who diagnosed her). She started a new anti-depressant added to the old, existing one. We've found her a new therapist who seems to be better suited to helping her develop some coping skills and they're working on her being more independent. Meanwhile, BF is still in the picture...as is the ex-BF. They both want her. It is a real chaotic situation. She's maniplulating both out of sheer fear of having neither and being alone.
I just this afternoon received a frantic phone call from her stemming from BF saying he's leaving. Bear in mind, she's been home from the hospital for just 3 weeks. She cut again (superficially on her thigh, but enough to bleed). She begged him to stay and he left. Of course, she immediately called the ex-BF, who happens to be on his way to her apartment as we speak. I'm 3 and ½ hours away in another city.
My question is this... how will she ever be able to have a loving, healthy relationship? It seems impossible. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I really do believe that life would be so much simpler for her with no BF in her life. Obviously, she doesn't neet the drama that this type of relationship seems to bring. She needs to work on herself. That is the only way I think she's going to get better. This cycle just keeps repeating over and over again.
I've read so much about what to do when she's calm. How to set limits/boundaries. How to talk to her when she can be rational. I'm lost as how to talk to her when she's in the middle of one of these episodes. How do you get the BPD to "snap out" of the imeediate downward spiral that includes self-harming and talks of "not wanting to be here anymore' because she's "so tired"? It seems impossible when she plays one young man after the other. She was so distraught over the one leaving that she called the other, who happens to step right in. How can I get her to see or understand the situation for what it is- that she can't be physically and emotionally alone? Until this immediate situation is taken care of, there can be no attempts to heal or even make in headway in develping coping skills. Her turmoil is directly related to these young men. That's what is at the forefront of her brain. There's no room for anything else.
Does anyone have any experience or thoughts on what a mom can do in this type of situation? Again, she's 19 (20 in July). I'm over 3 hours away. I've tried to get her to go to a treatement facility. She was all hung-ho until she realized she'd have to sleep there (she has issues being away from home-anxiety big time). She does see her therapist every Tuesday, but that's it. I'm exhausted and emotionally spent. I'll take anything anyone wants to throw my way.
Thanks for listening!
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